Chapter 2
"Mr and Mrs Langdale?"
Placing the leaflet to the side, not really taking any of the information in, she got to her feet beside Marc and walked over to the young nurse behind the desk.
"Dr Barter will see you now," She smiled and nodded to the door on their right.
Julia's heart was beating like a jackrabbit as she followed Marc over to the door. She watched him raise his hand to knock and saw that he kept it clenched by his side long after that the door had been opened.
"Come in, come in," Dr Barter appeared before them with a wide, familiar smile, "Lovely to see you both again, unfortunately it is under such circumstances." His smile faltered a little as he closed the door behind them.
It had been a few months since she was last inside his office but by the lavish upgrade in his furniture and the additional certificates that now lined the far wall, Julia assumed he had received a promotion.
As her eyes travelled over the cream carpet, leather chairs and designer lamp, her eyes fell upon something entirely different.
"Julia, Marc, may I introduce Dr Fellows. She is an obstetrician and, considering our progress, I thought it was important that we have her here with us."
As she got to her feet, smoothing down her grey skirt as she did so, Jules saw that she was of average height with her brown hair tied back with a pin. Her scarlet lips contrasted beautifully with her white lab coat.
"Pleasure to meet you both." She shook Marc's hand before she turned to Julia, "Dr Barter has briefed me on your unique case, and I just wish to say that I shall try my best to help you."
"Thanks," Julia swallowed and as she stared into Dr Fellows's eyes Jules found herself wondering if she had ever had the same problem as her. Did she know what she was saying?
"Let's take a seat shall we?" Dr Barter moved behind his desk and motioned for them both to sit.
Julia and Marc took a chair each on the other side of the desk. Dr Fellows moved around and stood beside Dr Barter, her hands resting inside her lab coat pockets.
Dr Barter, or Robert as he had instructed them to call him, knew them well and wasted no further time with pleasantries.
"Julia, how long has it been since your last miscarriage?" His bluntness both distracted and wounded her.
"One month," Julia blinked, too shocked to stutter her answer.
"And you haven't tried to become pregnant again?" Barter asked, writing their answers down on a pad of paper in front of him.
"No." Marc shifted awkwardly in the seat beside her. Julia noted that he was too big for the chair but she knew that it wasn't his size that was making him uncomfortable.
Jules looked away.
"Hmm, and how far a long were you this time?" Barter continued.
"Almost eleven weeks." Julia remembered it with painful clarity. She was just ten days from the end of her first trimester. Just ten days from cutting her chances of miscarriages down drastically when she felt it, that painful tugging inside her abdomen-
Dr Barter was a brilliant doctor but he couldn't seem to tell that his questions were bringing up some very painful memories. Marc remained looking straight ahead.
He was no doubt remembering the same thing.
Dr Fellows asked them her first question then, "How many miscarriages have you suffered since you began trying for a baby? Including your last one."
"F- Four," Julia felt as if her chest was beginning to constrict and, whether it was her grief playing tricks on her mind, but she could have sworn that she saw Marc's hand shift slightly on his leg, as if he wanted to reach out to her.
Then why didn't he!?
Dr Fellows nodded for a moment, as if digesting the information in.
"And your other pregnancies, how long did they-"
"-six weeks, seven weeks, nine weeks and the last one was eleven weeks." Julia thought she had been briefed on her case. Why did she have to ask that? It hurt Julia to think of those four lives she couldn't keep or save.
To think that her innate skills of making life was somehow faulty- somehow broken and that she wasn't enough for these children to survive hurt more than anything she could describe.
"Right," Dr Barter put his pen down, "I think we should get some more scans and go from there."
Dr Fellows nodded her agreement.
Julia was used to this part too and she rose from her chair. "I'll be back in a while," She tried to smile at Marc but she couldn't. She didn't feel like smiling right then.
The last scan she had showed her a new life forming inside of her, something precious that she and Marc had created. But the only thing this scan would show her was an empty uterus.
"I'll be here," Marc mumbled back at her.
"You're welcome to accompany us," Dr Fellows told him, "You won't be in anyone's way."
Julia looked from Dr Fellows to Marc in the chair. He looked terrified.
"It's okay," Jules saved him from Dr Fellows, "Which way was it again? Left or right?"
Dr Fellows looked back at Marc in the room and he knew she was probably thinking what a lousy husband he was, but he couldn't do it again.
He couldn't see an empty black screen when he should be seeing his child. The first time it happened had been agonizing, the second time had been worse still, the third . . . The third time he just felt numb.
He did not want to know how he would feel the fourth time and he still did not know how Julia managed to put on a brave face every time.
He was sure that beneath she was raging but she wouldn't show it. A part of him wished she would, he wanted to see her shouting and screaming just to see that she felt the same as he did.
He knew she felt the same, no decent person couldn't and Julia was as decent a person he knew, but there was something about seeing those feelings in physical form that allowed him to think that this was normal.
That it was okay for him to feel like the entire world was against him being a father.
Something slammed loudly in front of him and Marc snapped his head up in surprise. For a split second, he saw the barrel of a rifle pressing against his nose before he was confronted with the face of Dr Barter.
"Are you okay, Marc?" Barter frowned, his eyes searching Marc's face suspiciously.
"Yes," Marc coughed and ran a hand over his face, covering it from Barter's gaze, "How long will they be?" Marc jerked his chin towards the door that Jules and Dr Fellows had left through.
"Oh, not very long I imagine," Barter was still watching his carefully, "We just need to find out what is happening inside."
"What- What do you reckon it is?" Marc leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.
"It could be a many different things. We'll just wait for the scans to come back."
"But you've taken scans before and they didn't show anything!" Marc was growing aggravated.
"That's not true, Marc, those scans showed us that-"
"-Is it me?" Marc blurted out.
"Marc . . ."
"Just tell me, I can handle it." Marc rubbed his eyes. No man liked talking about their virility, or lack thereof, but he needed to know. Was he the reason why they were in such pain? They assumed it was Julia, but he could be equally to blame.
"Marc, I do not think you have anything to worry about just yet."
"Doc, just-"
"-Let me put it this way," Dr Barter held up a hand, "You and Julia have managed to conceive a child four times within the space of ten months. Your 'swimmers' are just fine."
Marc let out a small chuckle at Dr Barter's attempt at humour and he relaxed slightly in the chair.
"But tell me, is there anything else worrying you?"
Marc frowned, "Like what?"
"Anything," Barter shrugged, "I only ask because you look- Have you been getting enough sleep?"
Marc thought about the dreams.
"It's hard to sleep when you're afraid that you'll find blood on the sheets when you wake up."
"But you said that you and Julia haven't tried for a month, so the possibility of discovering a miscarriage is greatly reduced, so what is the real reason you haven't been sleeping, Marc?"
Marc swallowed around the lump in his throat. Did he tell Doctor Barter or not?
No. Because they were just dreams and if he spoke to Barter, he would write to his commanding officer.
Marc did not want to appear weak before his CO or risk the possibility of being discharged from the military.
"I'm fine, doc, really. Too many late nights watching TV that's all."
Marc could tell that Barter didn't believe him.
"Very well," Dr Barter chose to drop the topic, "But although I am Julia's doctor, I want you to know that you can tell me anything. I wouldn't tell your wife anything. Patient doctor confidentiality."
"Thanks, but like I said, I'm-"
"-fine," Barter finished his sentence for him, "I know."
They sat for a few moments in awkward silence when Barter's computer bleeped twice. Barter leaned forward and investigated the notification.
"Ah, Julia's scans have just come through," Barter informed Marc but he wouldn't allow him to see the scans just yet.
Marc was thankful.
"They must be finished then. When they come back, we'll discuss what we've found and our options. Okay?"
Marc nodded and turned towards the door. He realised how much of an idiot and cad he was to allow her to go down there by herself and all he wanted now was to see back by his side.
Who cares if he would be hurt by what he saw on the stupid screen, Julia would be distraught by it and it was his job to love and protect her.
And he couldn't do that safely cushioned up in some distant office.
Come on Jules. Come back to me, please.
Marc stood when she entered the room and he saw the way her eyes glinted in the soft lighting. She was trying her damndest not to cry, and his gut clenched to see her in such pain.
Seeing Marc stood there, his eyes finally looking at her, Jules just stared back at him.
She knew that he had treated her badly, that he barely spoke to her anymore but her body was being dragged across the room towards his as if they were opposite magnets, attracting each other.
Stopping just short from him, Marc reached out and tried to take her hand but Jules pulled her arm out of the way.
Dr Fellows and Dr Barter were converged around his computer monitor, discussing the scans, that they didn't see Marc and Julia's exchange.
Marc now looked as hurt as she felt.
Good, Jules thought with anger. He wasn't the only one hurting over this but he wasn't the one who actually had to feel their children dying. She did. Every time.
Dr Barter turned and saw them, "Shall we discuss the scans?" He asked sensitively.
"Yes," Jules turned and sat in her chair, looking at the doctor.
Marc did the same and the gap between them suddenly felt as if it had been multiplied by a thousand.