Laying in Johnny's bed, I was willed with shame; feeling this dull emptiness inside. Johnny was stretched out next to me, his arms wrapped around me. My head was resting against his chest, listening to the soft thrumming of his heart.
The effects of the wine and pills had worn off at this point for the most point, leaving me with a throbbing in my head and an unsettling feeling in my stomach.
Johnny's fingers were dancing across my back, his eyes closed, chest rising and falling gently.
I had to get out of here. I couldn't lay here with my brother's ex, on the anniversary of his death. That was wrong on so many levels.
"I have to go." I murmured, drawing back from him, my movementes shaky.
His hand tightened against my back, holding me firmly as his eyes fluttered open.
"Why? You just got here." he mumbled, his voice thick with sleep.
"I've been here for like... 5 hours Johnny." I aruged, reaching my hair over to push his shaggy hair out of his eyes. A part of me wanted to stay here. With Johnny. I felt safe, and I felt this....this connection. This closeness to Kaden that I cherished.
Maybe starting something with Johnny wouldn't be so bad. We were both broken individuals with the potential power to repair each other.
I leaned down, pressing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, resting my forehead against his.
His breath fanned out in soft puffs against my cheek, his hand tightening its grip even further on my back.
"Don't go.'' he said in a low voice, before turning his head to the side, capturing my lips with his once again.
*
"Do you really have to go?" Johnny complained, rolling closer to the edge of the bed where I was pulling my clothes on.
It was 11:30 now, I was supposed to be in at work at 4 the next morning, so I figured I might as well try to get at least 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Maybe three if I was lucky.
"I have work tomorrow." I reminded him as I pulled my shoes on.
He sat up, running a hand through his already mussed up hair, making it even more messy than before.
"Are you driving me or should I just walk?" I asked, rummaging around in my bag for my phone.
I hadn't checked it once since I had been ehre, and I was really hoping for a message from Aaron or something.
"Of course I'm driving you! Do you really think I would make you walk home at this hour?" he exclaimed.
"It's only like.. four miles." I mumbled, flipping my phone up in the air.
Johnny rolled his eyes as I argued.
"Just be quiet. Wait in the living room. I'll be out in a minute."
Normally I would have argued, a walk would be good for me. But to be quite honest I was too tired to really argue this with him right now.
Before flopping down on the couch, I went into the kitchen, rummaging around until I found a little orange pull bottle and half a bottle of Grey Goose.
Normally I would have just taken the whole bottle with me, but with the way my parents had been nosing through my room lately, I didn't want to risk them actually FINDING a bottle of vodka.
So I continued my search until I found a water bottle, filling it up and dropping it into my purse.
Johnny always said that I could just take whatever I wanted, don't worry about paying him. I just felt too guilty about taking it all though, so I always left him money in places he was sure to find it.
This time I left a crisp $50 bill on his counter underneath the salt and pepper shakers.
"You ready?" Johnny asked, his voice close behind me, startling me.
"Let's roll." I grinned, hitching my bag up higher on my shoulder.
*
Johnny and I were both quiet as we rode, the silence overwhelming.
I hated silences like this. They made me nervous.
I had 2 messages from Aaron on my phone, one of them was a continuation from our conversation the night before, but the other was new.
Lovey, I know today is going to be rough, but just know, that I'm always here if you need to talk. I hope it's not too bad for you /:
Through the time we had become acquainted, I became very trusting of Aaron. He was easy to talk to, a good listener, and it didn't seem like I was BOTHERING him. Whenever he was responding me, he seemed genuinely happy to be talking to me.
Today blows was all I sent him before moving on to read my texts.
One from Scott, asking me to come in early (2 hours early, I might add). I told him that I would be there happily (though I would much rather be sleeping) before checking the one message that had truly caught my eye.
Chris Matthews. A friend of Kaden's. After he died, a few of Kade's friends had remained in contact with me, though not many.
Every so often Chris would text me to see how I was, but it had become less and less often that I would hear from him lately.
Chris was.... dangerous. I guess that was a good way to pit it.
He was breathtakingly handsome, with a hypnotic stare and a personality that made you want to chase after him; but he was such a bad influence.
He had been a senior when Kade was a freshman. Chris took him under his wing, making a path for him. Getting him settled.
"Hey Liyah. How are you? Do you want to hang out this weekend? I can pick you up."
Woah. Chris wanted to hang out? A slight smile appeared on my face as I typed in a quick response, telling him I could come over Sunday after 12.
"What are you all smiley about?" Johnny asked, looking over at me.
"Just making plans for this weekend." I replied casually, running my fingers through my hair.
Johnny reached over and took my hand in his, running his thumb over the back of my hand.
"Can I see you this weekend?" Johnny requested, his voice hopeful.
Sunday was the only afternoon that I had free.. and obviously if I was with Chris I couldn't be with Johnny as well...
"Why don't we try for during the week?" I suggested.
"Sure, just let me know when." He told me with a smile.
We were almost to my house now, and my nervousness returned. I always got freaked out when I came home; I never knew who was going to be home, what kind of mood they were in, anything like that. It scared me.
"So who are you seeing this weekened anyway?" Johnny asked casually, in that conversational way of his.
Do I tell him or not?
It's not like telling him would be a BAD thing.
What could he do anyway? Get mad?
Chris and I were just hanging out. It was perfectly acceptable.
"Chris Matthews." I finally admitted, running my finger along the edge of my phone.
No response from Johnny.
I shot a shy glance at him out of the corner of my eye; gauging his reaction.
His jaw was set in a hard line, and his hands were gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly.
He still had said nothing as we pulled up to my house.
"Are you mad at me?" I asked quietly, not moving from my seat.
It was a few moments before he spoke, but at least he finally chose to acknowledge me.
"I just want you to be careful. I don't tryst Chris/"
I breathed out a sigh of relief. He wasn't mad at me.
"I'm always careful Johnny." I assured him, though I knew it wasn't true.
He leaned over the seat, taking my face in his hands and kissing me roughly, his lips hot against mine.
"See, that's the problem Aliyah.. you're not careful. You chase after trouble." he murmured when he broke away from the kiss.