I had always imagined witnessing Mika sleep while he held me - but I just never thought I would actually experience it one day. It was all amazingly worth it. He was so soft... So gentle... He breathed softly and his hands occasionally clenched and unclenched, or he'd rub his legs together and take a deep breath. He didn't snore, which I envied. He was nothing but serene.
Over my clumsiness and coffee I had met this angel, who still somehow found me interesting. I couldn't believe I was even laying with him, yet him having his arms around me. My mind was screaming and my heart felt like it wasn't even beating right anymore. I felt so elated to see him like this, thinking to him as if we were telepathic.
Gosh, Mika. You look beautiful. You know how cute you look when you sleep? With your bangs all tussled and layered over your head and eyes puffed with sleep. You sleep soundlessly; your breathing is completely quiet. Even with half your face pressed into a pillow, I can see all of your features and the admirable details that I've never noticed before because you're always covered in makeup. You have the cutest scratch on your nose, but I don't think you even notice. Do you look at yourself? Do you appreciate yourself? Mika, I love you even more, and I hardly know anything about you. I'm dying to know, it's like you're the water to my thirst of a desire to know. I want to kiss your lips... But you're asleep, no matter how precious and soft they look. I did caress your face, and you were too tired to feel. You were so soft to the touch, and the heat from your cheek radiated to my palm. You were perfect. I stole a few kisses on your collarbones and inhaled how sweet you smelled. To some extent, I wished you were awake, but you sleeping was just too perfect of a beauty. Man... I've never loved somebody this much.
When I told you I loved you, your reaction was like the first time. You were clueless and flustered. Part of me wants to believe it's simply because you're shy, and you are. You have vulnerability and introvertedness that I sometimes have to pry. I just don't understand why you become oblivious. Was it the first time you were ever told you were loved? Are you afraid of loving me? Are you afraid of being loved? You have your secrets and reasons. But no matter what it is, I want to be forever ready to love you properly. You know me, I'm just a simple guy, cheesy and average. But I have a heart. A bigger one than I thought. Maybe it's because you take up all of the space. It's a lot to love you, but it's a good thing. It just means you mean a lot more to me. Having you hold me while you sleep as I thought all of this made me fall even slightly more in love. I mean, I guess I could say I was in love now. I always just said "like" or plain "love," but those aren't suiting what I feel. I'm in love. Deeply and so vastly. I feel cheesy, but whatever. My emotions are all jumbled.
I hope one day you love me back, Mika. And that you can explain to me what it all means to you about love.
I wondered if Mika ever had nightmares, and if he did, what they were about. I would imagine dreaded visions of the prostitutes and strange men and dark nights would be present. Maybe he just didn't dream at all. I wanted to know every single detail about him, it killed me.
I also wanted to see Mika naked. Not because I wanted sex or anything of the sort, I just wanted to see what he saw everyday and night. Did he hate what he saw? Fear what he saw? ...Hurt what he saw? It hurt to think about, but Mika was a silent griever. I didn't know what he did to his body.
When I put it all together, I realized the only thing I knew about Mika was that his mother was his only love. And modeling was his second love, but his mother was always his first. And I never caught him eating meat. I knew little, and I hated it. I loathed being the little tag hanging onto his life that just pestered him and had no knowledge of what I was even clinging onto. And what I hated the most was that Mika and I were attracted to each other, but not in the way we really wanted to be.
Mika didn't know a thing about love - another thing I knew. I personally knew little about it and its concepts, but what we had was not it. We had the picture of it in a very strange way, but not the concept or the meaning.
It was nearly 2 AM as this all rambled my mind. Why couldn't I sleep? Mika made me restless. I just loved him so much.
I needed to go on a better date. That's what I needed to do.
I wanted to let Mika fall in love properly. Even if it wasn't with me.
~
I felt clueless when I woke up and was alone in bed. I didn't feel as warm like I did last night. In fact I didn't even remember falling asleep. Sunlight gleamed through the thin curtains, a grim reminder to my eyes of a full day of work ahead. I rolled over, sighing heavily after I inhaled the sweet scent of the sheets. Maybe today could be the day, I thought. I felt like I was proposing.
The thought made me smile slightly. I wondered if Mika ever wanted to get married, or engaged even. I pondered if he ever wanted a family. I had an entire list of wonders.
I had a strange temptation as I stared at Mika's nightstand drawers, then was cut short by the sound of the bathroom door opening. How had the sound of running water completely slipped past me? It took awhile for morning to actually get to me.
He ruffled his hair as he exited, slightly undone in the jeans and button-up he planned to wear. Toothbrush perched from his lips. I was angry. I was so angry that he always had to look good. It wasn't fair. He glanced over at me briefly from the shuffling in his drawer, a slight smile forming through the foam around his mouth. A small laugh stirred in me before I rolled back over to face the window. I couldn't even be mad at him. The charming bastard...
I would've considered getting up for the morning if it weren't for the lack of underwear, although at this point, Mika couldn't care less.
After a long ten minutes of drifting in and out of sleep and Mika dulling up in the bathroom, the day actually brought action. I heard him pause to probably stare at me when he left the doorway. I wasn't sure why, but I was growing timid when I sensed his acknowledgement. I wonder if this was considered rude or something. Should I have gotten out of bed? He didn't seem to mind at all, carefully sitting down next to me on the mattress.
He brushed the hair out of my face with gentle fingers, poked at my face a little. I gave him a small smile, still half-asleep.
He smelled so good, minty and freshly coated in fragrances. He must've showered.
"Are you in the mood to eat?" he asked in the calmest voice, much like a mother. Whom I missed a lot these days.
I shrugged, slightly shaking my head. It wasn't much of an answer, but hopefully he caught onto my indecisive response.
"I could order something if you don't feel like going anywhere." A response that actually made me slightly hungry. I hummed in response. He chuckled faintly. "You have to freshen up, though."
A groan from me. I rolled onto my frontside, my face smushed in the pillows and away from humanity. He found my laziness utterly amusing as he was in a slight fit of laughs. He climbed atop of me, his weight resting on my lower back. I liked the fact that he wasn't light-weighted, but felt humane and natural, like he didn't even model at all. Like he could just sit back and relax with a bag of junk food. I loved the thought of that.
He leaned further onto me, his front pressed against my back, warm hands working their way in kneading motions into knots I didn't even realize I had. His way of waking me up was putting me back to sleep. I could feel his tiny puffs of air on my nape as he massaged me, which was earning tired and strange muffled grunts from me through the pillows. I was also getting very turned on from it.
"So, what do you crave for breakfast?" he nonchalantly brought up, kissing my hair softly. This boy was a gift.
"Mmmfh." My response.
"Do waffles sound pleasing?"
"Mmm..."
"Want fruit on top?"
"Mmm..."
"Extra syrup?"
"Mmm!"
He laughed. A beautiful sound. He made room for me to roll on my back so I was focused on him, still mounted on top of me like a beautiful statue. The sunlight was creating such a dramatic effect on his beauty with his entire right side glowing, but it was no over-exaggeration as to how magnificent he actually was. He lovingly looked down at me, which was a thing we had now. Staring. Well, not much staring but just gazing. Being riveted.
"No schedule today," he warmly said after a moment as if to hint to plans.
Today was the day. At least it was a chance.
"Well, for you." He suddenly added. Great, now we were separated for the day. The one day I make corny plans. I pouted, rubbing away the tiredness in my eyes, along with my hopes. He gave a small grin, softly tracing shapes into my collarbones. "Don't worry, I shouldn't be too long. Just a meeting."
I nodded sleepily, plopping half my face into the pillows again. He leaned down and placed a kiss on my cheek. "I'll see you in a bit. Freshen up and breakfast will be here soon. And, um, just ignore the maid. She's here frequently. Don't flirt with her. You're mine."
He rambled and then was off me like a bug. I watched him hurriedly disappear behind the door in hysteria, and then I was alone chuckling to myself.
I missed him already.
-
I ate while watching cartoons in his office, bored out of my mind. I wish he had some novel I could read or whatever, like all famous people do. He wasn't super famous or anything, but who knows; he looked like he could own a novel. Maybe I still had time for a date today. It didn't even have to be a date, I just needed time.
I did want it to be romantic, considering Mika was a fan of flirtatious things, but it all did come down to one thing and it was the facts. I needed to know.
How could I love someone I didn't know?