Meg
It is not the first time that I hide myself away from Yuzu, but this time I have a positive reason. Last time, it's because I had problems with myself and Akira, and what I've learned from that experience is that I should never doubt my feelings for Yuzu again. My feelings for him are strong, determined, and focused. Once I doubt myself, then I'll break into pieces. This time is different. I'm actually going to Shanghai to watch Yuzu compete! I've been planning this trip since I began school. This is the main reason why I asked Yuzu not to text me, so that I can hide my essence and to give him a huge surprise. Mom and Dad accepted my request again kindly but I have to promise to have good GPA . A high GPA is not difficult for me because I kinda ace every test naturally, basically almost everything I learn. I know I have failed before and it is because the failure was so painful that I told myself never to fail again. I've forgotten what my failure was, and it feels so distant yet so close to me now. No matter what it is, I do not want to think of it again. Going to China to witness Yuzu's first victory after the Olympics season is extremely important to ,not only him, but to all of his fans, including me. I feel like this victory would prove the power and the dominance of Yuzu's era in the figure skating world, and I think being part of the competition is crucial for me. I want to be there to share his happiness and let him know my happiness as well.
All the way from Toronto to Shanghai, I'm dreaming of seeing Yuzu standing on the podium for the gold medalist and singing the Japanese national anthem with all of his satisfaction and joy with my own eyes. I want to see his perfect skating and performance like the ones that I've watched in videos.
I know that Yuzu's having a lot of stress. The expectations from the media, other skaters, fans, and himself have pushed him to challenge the very limit of his own physical ability, but his aspiration cannot be shattered, especially that this is the first GP this season, after Olympics, and after his resignation of Finlandia Trophy. He is eager to prove his forté and his capacity of difficulty; and I am eager to prove myself as a diligent and advocating fan. Although I'm afraid to see him collapse from stress, still, I want to see him smiling with victory.
My head stings from pain when the plane takes off and I quickly take out the medicine and swallow it. It's really a bad time to have headaches! I hate headaches. I have to give a huge hug to Mom for preparing medicines for me when I go back to my home.
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I intentionally chose a farther hotel from the stadium so that we won't bump into each other during the competition. I also chose a seat that is not far from the rink but far enough not to notice me. Besides, I guess he won't be paying so many attention on the audience while competing. In order to let him finally know that I have come here to support him and to cheer for him after all, I have already told Nam about my plan while we were in school. Nam said that he would be more than happy to prepare a surprise party for Yuzu, so he agreed to say nothing about me coming to China to see Yuzu. I trust Nam for this job. We planned together that I'll show up in their hotel room and give Yuzu a big surprise when they finish the competition.
Without a doubt, his biggest challenge this season will be the quads in the second half of the programs. At first when I heard of his decision, I could not imagine how much pressure and damage this decision might cast upon his body, and although I knew how unprecedented this will be, I don't really wish Yuzu to skate it. I believe that this will give his body too much burden that he might injure himself. Even though having an injury may be usual for skaters, at least I know injuries can also cause long term effects without careful protection and recovery. I trust Yuzu, but I don't want to lose him. Of course, I did not let him know what I thought because I'm an outsider and I respect Yuzu's choice. I'm an outsider after all.
He popped his quad in SP into a triple and I saw his fatigue in his eyes once again last night. Although he's just only two points behind Maxim Kovtun, the ranking just somehow didn't delight me. Seeing him being in the second was a little uncomfortable for me who have never seen such a big and important competition before, and who thinks Yuzu is almighty.
Well, I guess it's all about today's free.
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The rink is chilly as usual and full of people as I imagined. I can hear Chinese, Japanese, English, and some other languages all around me as if I have entered a global society. Although I've went to ice shows before, this is a completely different story. The rink looks like as if it is nearly twice as big as the rink in ice shows, and the seriousness on the empty ice contrasts sharply with the excitement and expectations of the fans and audience. I found my seat in the middle of a row, and I squeeze through a line of presents, towels, bags, flags, and flowers to be able to sit down at my seat. Comparing me to other fans, I neither have flowers nor presents in my hand. Suddenly I feel a little guilty to be with other fans, and this guilt reminds me of my original thought that being able to stay beside Yuzu and tell him my feelings is a selfish act for other fans. I peek at a girl who sits next me with a pooh towel on her knee. Obviously, Yuzu's fan. Her bright, pink blushes on her cheeks, and her blooming smile represent everything how she feels toward Yuzu. She is like me. Everyone here is like me.
I don't know where it comes from, but an idea suddenly pops up in my mind: Do I have the courage or the confidence to tell everybody that I have been selfishly being very close to Yuzu for the past 2 months? I doubt my own confidence.
For the first half of the competition, I am clapping for skaters but I'm looking forward to see exceptional performance from Yuzu. My blood is boiling from excitement and expectation. Once the last skater of the first group saw his score, the camera focuses on the second group of men, and especially focusing on Yuzu. I scream out loud to let out some of my excitement. Although I know that he is staying focused, but I still wonder how can he maintain mental balance in this storm of cries. Yuzu takes off his guards, bends down to touch the ice, and glides quickly across the ice. His acceleration on ice exceeds every other skaters' and his agile and dashing movements conquer the whole rink with ease. His costume matches so perfectly with his theme and the black laces are like elegant wilderness, so mysterious yet translucent and somehow sad. Phantom himself is a sad character and Yuzu wins my heart once again just by wearing that costume. I stare at him with my heart contracting and relieving. Seeing him so focused and charming on the ice put a huge smile on my face.
But just as everyone's attention is on Yuzu, we all screamed.
Yes, my dearest person on the earth is lying on the ice, bleeding and not moving.
My tears burst out immediately like tsunami, but only that it floods no one but me. When I see him finally being able to stand up but his blood is dripping onto the ice, the air inside my lungs is being sucked out by nervousness, and panic. No words come out of my mouth, for I can't even yell out his name. His eyes look like as if they have no focuse in them. I can no longer see him because I lost my eyesight from the blurry tears. This must be a nightmare.
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The girl avoids the little boy, but she's unable to control her speed. She smashes into the barriers and her head bangs hardly on the ice. The noise echoes in the whole rink as the same time as pain occupies my conscience. The sharp shriek deafens me and the momentum of the crash knocks me out. The same red blood oozing out of my head and her head solidify on the cold ice, and the sharp contrast of colors leaves a deep impression in my head. The girl lying of the ice, not moving. Now I know the truth is that the girl is no one else, but me. All I can see is the most pungent red in my eyes and I feel as if the ice I banged on is cracking like a thin ice on a stream, unstoppable. The ice cracks and falls down into a pitch-dark void and all is left, is me. And now that I know the truth behind the shattered mirror is that the one who is lying in front of my eyes is not Yuzu, but me.
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I'm lost.
Thousands of queries attack my anemic soul with pounds and bangs which left me vacuumed by doubts. It's so awkward that I should be full off doubts, but there are too many of them that I receive nothing from the information that is rushing out of my mind. I'm overwhelmed with my memories that there's no room for my concerns of Yuzu's injuries.
First of all, I was a skater. The thought thrills me... a lot. . That's why I felt so touched and mesmerized by Yuzu's skating. His beautiful and perfect skating, which was what I wanted when I can still skate, lured me naturally when I first saw his performance. Second of all, I failed standing on the ice again. My blurred vision is now unclouded, but it is too bright for me to look at the naked world; naked reason of my love, admiration, and respect for Yuzu. I don't dare to look at him now. I was blindly chasing after him for the taste of his glory that I once wasn't being able to have, for his achievements that I quenched, for his charm that I was lacking, and his determination that I threw away when I collided with my mountain of challenges. I, after all these close connections with Yuzu, feel like I'm an ugly person who replaced Yuzu with myself so that I could have what I hoped to get before. He's my puppet, and I woke up from this puppet show because I realized that the lines of my puppets have broke and my puppet has failed my attempt to become the best puppeteer in the world. My heart, twisted, my face, distorted, my mind, contorted; a feeling of disgust and horror tortures my body. I'm ashamed of what I have done to, still my favorite person in the world, him. I have invisibly added the thing on his shoulders that I dreaded the most— pressure. I'm the one who caused this. My emotions are an amalgamation of contrition, strong enough to chock me; anguish, poisonous enough to exterminate me; and trepidation, hollow enough to suppress me with darkness. I don't deserve to love him.
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Yuzu
The over-shining light on the ceiling blinds me when my eyes are open. My chest sends a strong pain sensation to my brain to remind what happened to me earlier. Is this the end?, I thought, For my career? Is this the end? For telling Meg my feelings? I put my hands on my forehead to block the lights beaming into my eyes. I finally stood up with the help of some staff, but I feel lost when I skated without direction. I touch my chin and it's wet with blood. The maroon blood of my fingers wakes me from my drift and all I see in front of me is Brian and Pooh, but no Meg. How would she be here? I remind myself. My body starts to collapse and I could not remember what happened until I see another beam of light beaming into my eyes again.
The American doctor checks my injuries and consciousness. The noise and exclamations around me is so loud that I feel like I could be lost even if I'm not injured. I want to be back on the ice once again, in the faint hope of seeing Meg in this crazy competition.
"Brian," I speak weakly. "I want to be up there."
My words suddenly silence the noise around me.
"Can he?" Brian double checks with the doctors.
I do not turn up my head to see the reactions of the doctors, but I surely sense the hesitation.
"Why?" Brian asks.
"I want to skate my program and prove myself." I managed to speak while pain stings through my head.
"To whom?" Brian asks deeper.
"To other skaters, my fans, and myself." I breath quickly.
"Meg?" Brian answers.
I catch myself another breathe before answering him with a weak reply. "... Yes." I blink. "She must be watching. Somewhere."
"I think she wouldn't be happy to see you like this."
"But she wouldn't want to see me being as a coward." I wince as I hold my breathe to suppress the pain in my chest.
"It's not about being as a coward or not, Yuzu." Brian shakes his head. "It's your health and body!"
"Meg told me to be healthy but I have already failed that promise." I grin with regret. "I can't let her down." I explain with a weak smile.
Brian exhales deeply.
"Will your action only be meant for her?"
"No, of course not! I'm not blind from love. I'm doing this for myself."
Brian let out a deep sigh.
"You sure you can skate?" He reaffirms with me.
"Yes." I answer with assurance.
"Well then, Mr. Hanyu, go on the ice and skate like a champion!" He slaps my arm.
"Yes, sir."
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Hello everyone~ I really hope you like this chapter although I know it's a sad chapter. I hope you feel how confused and lost Meg is in this chapter( I really tried to make the experience very bitter). I might be able to update another chapter if I have time in next week or the week after next week. I have my finals and another SAT coming up during the mid January, so I might not be able to update then. Just to let all of you know and to not let you feel like I'm not writing. But soon after SAT, I'll be free and my winter vacation will start! Therefore, I will have A LOT of time to write. Anyway, thank you for reading my story, I really do feel your support whenever any of you leaves a comment or votes for my story. I never imagined that my story can reach 4.2K reads ever!!! *tears in my eyes* So thank you very much for everyone's support!!!
Love you all!! I'll see you perhaps next week or 2 weeks later! 😘🤓
P.S. Yuzu 4連覇おめでとうございます！Have yourself a belated little merry Christmas and have a very good rest!!! 😍☺️