I am resting at my solidarity
content
with the integrated essence
of morning
Willingly elusive
for the fear of getting there alone
to the place I long to be
Cooper
Four Years Ago
"You coming over tonight?" Thanks to my dad's obsession with safety, Ariel's voice came at me through the car speakers in surround sound.
"I have to study," I said.
"Study for what?" Ariel said, waking me up from my daydream.
"Uni is going to be a lot harder than High School."
"I don't know why you're even going," Ariel said. "You're dad said he's giving you a job at one of his hotels. And, in a few years, you'll be taking it over."
Just like staying in Ash Falls, working for my dad wasn't top on my list of things I wanted to do. I pressed the button for the ignition, and then, pulled out of the parking space. Having wrapped up another long shift at the Ferris wheel, I hadn't the time or the desire to talk to her. I wanted to tell her it was really over this time. We were never getting back together. Then again, Ariel wouldn't bat one eye at what I had to say. She lived in her own world. A world, I didn't want to be part of.
Plus, after the universe placed Emma in my life, Ariel couldn't be further from my mind. I knew from the first second I lay eyes on Emma that she was different than any girl I'd ever been with. I wanted to know more about her. Fuck that – I needed to know more.
Ariel breathed a loud sigh. "Anyway, a bunch of us are going to the fire pit tonight."
"I told you, I'm studying," I said, turning into a drive-thru window. I ordered fries, soda, and two cheeseburgers.
"After," Ariel said.
"Maybe." I shoved a handful of fries in my mouth. "Call you later." I hung up before she found another reason to keep me on the phone. The fire pit was literally just that, a fire pit. Jesse and Leo had gathered the huge rocks from the ocean two summers ago. It became our place to go at night, have a few beers, make out with girls. I'd brought Ariel there a few times myself, and occasion had gone further than just making out.
But, I didn't want to go to the fire pit, not tonight, and not with her. I just wanted to lay low for a while from everyone. Get away from Ash Falls for a few hours. So, instead of heading home, I kept driving, toward the city limits. I increased the volume on the radio full blast, watching the town I grew up in fly past me.
Ash Falls is a small town where secrets can't be kept, and everyone knows everyone's business. It's made up of three avenues, and twenty blocks. At the edge of town, is Seagate, the only gated community where the well-off people live. People like Ariel and me. The idyllic place for suburban families looking to live in their perfectly crafted bubbles of money, and prestige. The place I'd always called home.
However, once you cross the city limits, you end up at a crossroads, the border between Sheepshead Bay and Gravesend where there are plenty of options to party, or get lost.
And getting lost is exactly what I wanted. Turning left off the main road, I took the backroads leading out of town. Exactly ten miles from my escape, I see her. Emma. She's walking alone. She shouldn't be here, I think to myself. There's nothing around for miles. I slowed down the car and roll down the window. "Emma?"
She looked right at me and kept walking.
"Hey," I said. She didn't say anything. She just kept ignoring me. "I can give you a lift if you like."
"No, thank you."
"Seriously?"
"No. Thank you," she said curtly.
"You can't possibly walk back home from here," I said, more confused than ever. Why was she avoiding me? Maybe she had a boyfriend. I hadn't got around to asking her if she did, although she'd just moved here, there was a chance she was in a long distance relationship. Girls her age, and as pretty as her, couldn't be single for long. Plus, there was something about her that was captivating. If I could see it in the short time I've known her, surely other guys could see it too. At this thought, I wasn't too happy. The idea of her being with another guy made my hands ball into fists.
"I appreciate the offer, but I'm fine," she said, and then she crossed the road, toward further from Ash Falls.
"I think you're going the wrong way."
"You don't know where I'm going."
"Well, there's nothing up that way except for the tavern, and a barber shop. And, you're not old enough to drink."
"Maybe I want a haircut," she snapped.
"And chop off that beautiful hair? I doubt it." I continued to drive beside her until she stopped and faced me. I thought she was going to take me up on my offer to drive her, but she doesn't.
"Like I said, thanks, but no thanks," she said matter of fact.
I sensed a thread of fear behind her words, the inflection in her voice hitting home. I'd heard it in my own when I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to push her. If she didn't want to talk to me, fine.
"Okay. Have it your way," I told her, anger pooling through my veins as I drove away. But, I don't actually leave. I can't. What kind of guy would I be if I left her to walk alone at this late hour? So, instead, I drive around the block and park across the street, where she can't see me.
My heart sinks to my feet when I spot her walking inside the tavern. Surely, someone will notice she's underage and kick her out. At least, that's what I hope will happen. After a few seconds, she doesn't exit. Another few minutes passed before I decided to go in after her. As my hand gripped the door handle of my car, the tavern door opened again.
It was Emma.
And, she wasn't alone.
***
Emma
Four Years Ago
I stumbled out of the tavern, barely able to hold up my mother. It's nothing new. Ever since dad left, this is what she had done. I used to think it was her way of mourning his absence. After he left, my mother fell apart. His memory haunted her and made her frail. I resented her for not being stronger. For not seeing how blessed she was. She had two daughters to take care of, but after dad had gone, Elizabeth and I had practically taken care of ourselves. My parents' relationship was the reason I vowed never to fall in love. I didn't want to become weak. I didn't want a man to take away my will to survive. Love was poison.
"Can you try walking a little?" I asked my mother.
"I am walking," she slurred.
"Ready?" I gripped her arm tighter and prepared to cross the street when a familiar car pulled up next to me. My heart raced. No. No. No. This is not what I needed right now. I made believe I didn't see him and took a step off the sidewalk.
The car door opened and slammed. Within a blink of an eye, Cooper appeared next to us. "Please, let me give you a ride," he said.
"I'm okay," I told him. My mother stumbled again. Cooper grabbed her before she fell to the ground.
"I'm not asking," he said sternly and walked my mother over to the car door. He was gentle as he placed her in the passenger side, and then, opened the back door for me. I didn't know what to do or say. So, I sat in the back seat picking at the cuticles on my fingers, avoiding his eyes in the rearview mirror.
He didn't say anything during the drive. Which made me wonder what he was thinking about my family and me. If I could guess, it was probably what everyone else who had ever met me had thought, and none of it was good.
Once we're parked in my driveway, he scooped my mother in his arms and carried her up the front steps.
"It's okay." I stopped him before he attempted to walk any further, and gestured to the porch swing. I didn't want him to know what our place looked like. It was still messy, and we hadn't got around to fixing up the place. I didn't want him to look at me like everyone else had. Pity. Worry. What people thought about me hadn't bothered me until now. I didn't want Cooper to see that side of my life. There was more to me than my drunk mother, and my horrid past. There was more to me than the plague that had followed me all my life.
"You sure?"
"Yes," I said.
"I don't mind," he insists.
"Really, Cooper. I got it."
He raised an eyebrow. "Okay." At the bottom of the stairs, he paused as if he's changed his mind, and then, continued toward his car.
"Cooper," I called out to him.
"Yeah," he said. At the tender look in his eyes, my words lodged in my throat. I'd never had to explain something like this to anyone. I'd never wanted to.
"My mom...I don't want you to think she's always like this," I said, trailing off. I lied. My mother always got drunk. She was a drunk. That's what drunks did. But, I didn't want Cooper to think about the apple and the tree. I was nothing like my mother.
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." The corners of his lips curved with a smile so contrite that I truly believe he means it. I watched him as he walked back to his car and waited for him to drive away, but instead, he stepped toward me with determination in his strides. "Let me take you out tomorrow."
I'm thrown aback by his question. "What?"
"Let me take you out tomorrow," he repeated, but I still couldn't process what I'd heard. Why would a good-looking guy like him want to go out on a date with me? I was a nobody.
I tugged on the sleeves of my cardigan. "I'm not allowed to date," I said. It was a lie. I just didn't want to go on a date with him. He was trouble. Not because he was bad, but because he was so good. He was everything a girl like me dreamed of. Cooper was the exact type of guy I'd date if I weren't planning on ditching in a few months. So, I didn't need to start liking him any more than I already did. "Anyway, I'm busy tomorrow."
"All day?"
"Yeah," I said. "We just moved in. So, there's a lot to do around the house."
Oh," he said, looking disappointed. "Well, I guess I'll see you around."
"Yeah." I felt a tug of guilt. Here was a nice young man who was interested in me, and I was pulling away. But, when I pictured myself with Cooper, I instantly thought about my parents. I didn't want to be like them. Love had ruined them, taken their dreams and shattered them. I wasn't willing to be love's victim. Not now. Not ever.
Even if Cooper made me feel things I'd never felt before, I wasn't willing to risk my dreams for a guy. I wanted to believe there was more to life than falling in love.