I UPDATED IN LESS THAN A WEEK ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?! :D
DEDICATION OF THE CHAPTER: @_RaeRae ! Her comment was really, really special to me, because she mentioned about how different it was to others, where Zayn is portrayed as a 'bad boy' and that's what I don't like. I could rant about it for hours, but I cant right now. Anyways, it was really nice and just made me smile, because I love it when people pick out that I write Zayn more vulnerable, and they like it, cause that's the way I portray Zayn, so thank you, again, for picking up on it, made me smile. :)
The song on the side, kind of relates to Zayn, when he's walking away... I'll give no more! Hope you like the chapter guys, and eeek, welcome drama! :D
[Zayn]
My heart was hammering so hard in my chest, I almost couldn't breathe. I felt all my emotions run dry, except for one. Fear.
Fear, because Liam was staring at me now, expecting an explanation. Because he'd seen my cuts, and he was holding my wrist in the, now thick air, exposing them to us both. I felt my whole body quiver, and under his intense gaze, I felt under 2 feet tall.
He swallowed thickly, fiercely blinking his tears back, always being too strong to cry. I may have only known him for just over a month now, but there was one thing I knew. That Liam Payne never cried.
"Zayn." He whispered in a raspy tone, his voice strained as he almost pleaded, with his eyes, for me to laugh, tell him they were just drawings, not real cuts.
But who the fuck would believe that? With the fresh, new one still wide and obvious. I couldn't fool the most gullible of people with that shit.
I didn't say anything, still, the tension building like blocks being piled endlessly on top of each other. Our eyes were still locked, battling, almost, to say something. I tried to make a noise in the back of my throat, but I couldn't. I couldn't actually bring myself to say a word.
Liam's eyes frantically searched my own widened ones. I felt my hands shake, my body quiver, and my throat close up. My nerves were a wreck, and I suddenly felt the disgusting urge to throw up...
I couldn't get a word past my closed up throat, and I knew if I tried, I would end up chocking over sobs that were being juggled around my insides, threatening to break through and sound into the stale and tense air, or maybe even throwing up, all over Liam instead of speaking...
Awkward.
I snapped back into it as Liam's now wispy, faint voice, cracking once in his words, flouted into the air, echoing around my fuzzy head.
"Zayn--" He had to cut himself off as he swallowed, thickly. "Please, say something..." He finished, squeezing his eyes shut momentarily before flickering those bright brown, testing orbs open again, setting them on me, making me feel like his prey and he was a predator.
I swallowed, licking my lips and clearing my head. I was amazed, I didn't know what to do. I still couldn't get over that Liam saw. Liam saw my cuts...
I'd hidden them so well! I never let anyone see, and I was always so extra cautious in making sure I covered them up. I almost lifted my free hand to drag it through my hair in distress, because I knew I shouldn't have ever let my guard down.
It was Liam's fault. I nearly snorted, but just caught myself. I sounded like a Primary School student, telling tales! But, if Liam hadn't of came into my life, and made some of my walls start to crumble under his calming gaze, then I would have never dreamed about going out without my bracelets covering my scars!
But, Liam made me put my guard down, he made me stop worrying about it, and forget it for today. If Liam wasn't in my life, and I couldn't find my bracelets like today, I wouldn't have left for school until I'd found them and secured them on my wrists.
Because I was so much more protective, careful and reserved of myself, but Liam's broke me down, and that's his fault I was so careless this morning in not bothering to look for my missing bracelets.
And, who would have thought, out of one in a million chances, today had to be the day Liam took notice of my wrists, and lucky me, I had to not be wearing my bracelets!
Luck was always on my side...
I finally found it in myself to grow the nerves to pipe up, and speak. Gathering my new found courage, I found my voice.
"W-what's what, Liam?" I asked, playing dumb. Pretend you're stupid, always the right option...
Liam swallowed, looking more confident now I had spoken. "Don't, Zayn. Just tell me, please tell em you didn't do this... Please tell me I'm seeing things." He whispered, his eyes flickering down to my wrist, which was still in his grip.
I bit my lip, lifting my gaze back up after staring at my cuts for a few moments. Liam was gazing rather intently at me, waiting for me to assure him, begging for me to.
But I wasn't going to.
"Uh..." I whispered, nervous. "Your-- Your seeing things...?" I finished meekly, my voice breaking half way through.
Liam bit his lip, shaking his head. "Zayn. I-I don't know what to say. I just--" He stopped, his eyes wavering and finally stopping on me.
"I can't believe you Zayn. I'm so disappointed." He whispered.
I felt something inside me break a little then. He could have said anything, that he was angry, he hated me, he never wanted to see me again. But being disappointed? That was worse than anything. Disappointed. I never knew how much that one word could hurt.
But then something inside me snapped. Liam had no right to be disappointed in me! He had no idea what shit I went through, and this was my only relief! He had no right!
I took a step back, frowning, my brows furrowed. I harshly grabbed my wrist from his grip, scrambling on the floor and pulling my shirt over my head so I wasn't so exposed.
"Your disappointed?" I literally spluttered.
Liam looked confused now. "Yeah, Zayn, I am. I just found out you cut. You cut." He repeated, as if coming to senses. "I cant believe you'd do that to yourself... I always thought, if it ever got that worse, you could tell me, Zayn..." I told me.
"You don't understand, Liam!" I cried, throwing my hands up. "It's not that easy, to just tell someone! You never should have found out! This has nothing to do with you, and I'm not dragging you into my fucked up life!"
"Well I'm not letting you go there alone! I'm not an idiot, I know something when something is wrong. I'm just trying to help you! Why cant you just let me in?" He shouted.
I almost let myself flinch as his voice rose, but I couldn't be weak now. "It's not that easy! You don't just, 'let people in' for fucks sake! I have to gain trust, and I don't just give it away like a drug dealer! You don't understand, Liam, and you never fucking will!" I cried, feeling my body heat up as tears threaded to prick in the backs of my eyes.
"Well if you just trusted me, maybe I would understand!" He crowed, flinging his arms around as mine fell to my sides. "But that's not the point. The point is, your slitting your wrists. Your actually taking a metal razor to your wrists, and slicking through your skin--" I cut him off.
"I know what I'm fucking doing, Liam!" I bellowed, not wanting to hear his describe it with such pure hatred, such pure disgust.
It was quiet then, as we connected eyes across the room. It was tense, as we both went into thought. After just over a minute, Liam spoke up quietly.
"Are you going to stop?" He asked, almost silently.
There was a large space between us, which was unnatural for two people who were so close just minutes ago were now slightly distant. I swallowed, already knowing the answer to his question.
I nervously met his eyes, my own flickering under his gaze.
"N-No, Liam. I'm not." I answered meekly.
He nodded softly, clasping his hands together as he sighed. "I figured you'd say that..." He whispered.
After a second, he sighed again, and stood up straight, crossing the space between us and stopping in front of me. He reached over, trying to take my injured wrist into his hand again. Before he could, from instinct, I snatched it away, cradling my arm to my chest.
"Zayn. Please, cant just-- just try to stop?" He pleaded.
My head felt heavy, my body almost dropped to the floor as my limbs ached, I felt sick, my stomach churned and everything felt wrong, backwards.
"No, Liam. That's something I cant do. This is an addiction, and as much as I hate it, it's my only friend in this world. It;s where I can take myself away; be happy. It's my paradise, and I hate that I love it." I tried to express my feelings, but almost finding it too hard to do so.
Liam racked another hand through his hair, locking eyes with me. "How can you love to hurt yourself?" He sighed. "I don't understand--"
I cut him off harshly, my quiet, nearly silent words cutting him off, as sharp as knifes.
"And you never will..." I whispered, ducking my head as the tears finally broke from their barricade, leaking down my cheeks.
I picked up my bag, sending a soft look to Liam as I stared to walk to the doorway of the changing room. A single, yet noticeable tear slipped off my face and splashed onto the floor.
"Zayn! Were are you going?" Liam's voice called out from not far behind me.
I didn't say anything, just ducked my head further. I felt Liam's familiar muscular hand grab my own and stop me, I half turned, glancing up at Liam through my eyelashes.
"Zayn." He pleaded, his voice desperate. "Please, don't go."
I swallowed, shaking my head and turning my face.
"I'm sorry, Liam. I can't do this anymore. It's too much." I whispered, and then I said something I thought I'd never hear myself say to Liam.
"Please, just--" I stopped for a second, looking Liam in the eyes as another tear dripped down my face. "Just leave me alone." I whispered, and with one last, almost heart broken look, I pulled away from his grip, and walked away.
But the thing that made my heart pang painfully in my chest, something I thought I'd never feel heart broken over,
That he didn't try to stop me as I walked away.
He let me go.
***
Walking home after that, was possibly the worst experience of my life. It was suddenly very dreary, clouds scattering the sky, setting a stormy mood. Matching my sour mood, really.
I was so used to getting a lift of Liam, or Harry, and now, it almost felt weird to be walking home again, since Liam nearly always insisted he'd drive.
As much as I hated it, I felt so...lost without Liam. I knew it'd only been literally under an hour without him, but I already felt so... so empty...
I never realised how much I really needed him.
I shook my head, adjusting my bag on my shoulder so it sat comfier. The constant pitter-patter of dull, icy cold rain drops splattered onto the thick concrete, making me flinch occasionally.
I didn't need Liam. I had to keep telling myself that bullshi-- truth. Even though my mind and body thought otherwise, I, myself knew I didn't need him.
I could handle before.
If you call handling crying yourself to sleep every night, getting beat up in the mornings, getting constantly bullied and beat on at school, then cutting until your passed out on your bathroom floor int he evenings, then that's exactly what I was doing...
I ignored that true thought. I would be better off without Liam. He was getting too much into my life, and he was breaking down my walls. I hated that. No one had ever reached out to me like him, and now someone finally had, I just didn't know how to react.
But I knew one thing. I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust anyone now, ever again. I don't know why I ever let Liam in in the first place. I must of had my guard down, or maybe it was just his hypnotizing eyes that made me feel like, for once, I could trust him.
But I couldn't. I knew that, the whole fucking world knew it. I could give my trust to anyone, they would just take it and break it. Just like everyone did.
And now I'd decided, that Liam had learned too much about me, he was getting too close for comfort, and I was opening up too fast, so fast that it made me suspicious of Liam.
So, the only way to stop me from getting closer to him, was separating myself from him. And that was exactly what I was going to do. Never talk, look or even come into contact with him again. Well, unless we happened to go past each other at school, but that was just about it.
That was the only way to stop myself letting him in. And it was for the best, never seeing Liam again. It was isolate me again, and then I could make sure no one ever got so close to me again.
It's for the best, I kept telling myself, convincing myself this was a good idea when really not evr seeing Liam again could tear me apart, limb by limb.
But I didn't let myself see that, I couldn't. Because if I did, I would cave, and let him in again, and that was a stupid mistake I made once before, one I couldn't ever make again.
And if that meant never seeing Liam, the boy I was falling for without even noticing, ever again, then so be it...
Being pulled-- no, ripped, from my cloudy and confused thoughts, I suddenly felt myself trip, face first onto the pavement, just being able to put my hands out in front of me to catch me. I hissed as I felt them graze against the harsh, wet stone.
I could already feel my jeans beginning to soak at the knees where they were propped up on the floor, since it was lightly raining, meaning the floor I was pushed onto was wet.
With a trembling face, I sat up. I could hear, harsh, almost evil snickering behind me, and some sharp whispers behind me. Snickering, at me. They must have thought it would be funny to push me, the freak over.
I turned sitting up on my knees and seeing 3 boys huddled in front of me, bobbed down slightly so they could see my face which was lowered since I was on the floor and they were stood up.
They were jeering, at me as I felt a tear of frustration, almost slip down my cheek, suddenly recognising who these boys were.
They were my bullies, standing over me with harsh, judging looks. Rory, Vince and Jerry. And they didn't look like they were here to help me of the floor, if you know what I mean...
"Long time no see, eh, Zayn?" Vince, I think it was, jeered.
And as I glared up at them, on my knees, rain pounding around us endlessly, I felt an emotion build up inside me that I'd never felt before while staring at these 3 boys, and it made me wonder if this was what it felt like not to be afraid. Once the emotion started growing, it got stronger and stronger, filling up inside me in a new, red hot energy,
Courage.
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Hey babies ;) Did you like? No? I thought not. Since Zayn's decided never seeing Liam again is a good idea...Idiot. How can never seeing Liam Payne again ever be a good idea? *eye roll*
But, at least Zayn's not showing as much fear as he usually does up against the bullies! Are you excited to see what he will do to fight back to them in the next chapter? And are you looking forward to seeing how Liam, and of course, Harry, Niall, Josh and Louis will react to never seeing him again?!
Comment your thoughts! Ps: Sorry this chapter is a little shorter than usual, hope you still like it! :)
--E LUFF'S YOU! \(^-^)/