Tonight there wasn't a sock on the door knob, which usually meant three things: tonight I could actually get some sleep in my bed, he wasn't in there banging some poor unsuspecting girl that actually thought they were an item, and he wasn't there.
All those three things also equated to something else; hopelessness.
Standing there, I couldn't seem to bring myself to open the door to our dorm room, because somewhere deep down inside, I was hopelessly hoping that he'd actually be on the other side of this door for once, taking away the lonesome night.
I've come to learn a long time ago that stupid little wishful thinkings like this only hurt, and so every night I walked up to this door, I took a deep breath and pushed it all away, trying to be practical...trying to be realistic.
Things weren't quite going like that this time.
Instead, I found myself dropping my bag to the floor, sliding down beside the door with my back to the wall.
Sitting there with my knees tucked to my chest, and my arms wrapped around my legs, I closed my eyes and swallowed down the lump of emotions that lodged itself in my throat.
Things won't be like this forever... I tried to console myself. Graduation is just a couple of months away. We'll part our separate ways, and go on to live our different lives. I'll tell you that I'll stay in touch, but forget your number. Life will get better from there, it will. I have to believe that it will...
Taking a deep breath, I gathered my thoughts and stood myself up, ready to spend the night alone for the billionth time.
Grabbing my bag off the floor, I reached out to open the door, only to find that the door swung open without my effort.
Abraham stood there, all dressed and cleaned up, as if he hadn't even started his night out yet.
I was utterly shocked to see that he was still in for once, but by the looks of it, it didn't seem like he was going to stay for long.
Stepping aside, he held the door wide open for me with this troubled look on his face.
"...What's wrong?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him, cautiously walking past him to get into the room.
He didn't say a word. He simply closed the door behind us and plopped himself on his bed.
Sitting there across from me, he leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees.
"...What?" I asked, completely uncomfortable at this point.
"...When were you ever going to tell me that you like me?" He asked, his Australian accent really ringing with a tone of disappointment.
...Wait, how the hell would you know that? I thought, tilting my head to the side as I glared at him.
"...What are you talking about?" I asked nonchalantly, pretending I had no idea what he was going on about.
"Oh, so now you're a liar huh?" He said, angrily throwing this hard object at me.
Searching for whatever the hell it was, my heart sank once I got it in my hands.
"...You had no right." I muttered, almost crushing the journal I started back in ninth grade under my grip.
"Since tenth grade Will? You've kept this from me since tenth grade of high school? Really?" He said, running his fingers through his curly black hair in frustration. "We're seniors in college now! That's seven years! Seven fucking years!"
"...What's your point?" I asked, trying to keep my emotions from surfacing.
"...What's my point?" He fumed, scowling at me. "You're my best friend! That's my point! We tell each other everything! Or at least I've told you everything. And now I find out that you keep a journal, with a whole bunch of shit you've kept from me?"
I sat there silently looking at him with complete disbelief.
Why would I ever tell you anything when all you ever do is shut me down?
"...When I'd ask you for your help, what would you do?" I asked, crossing my arms.
Narrowing his eyes, he looked at me with confusion.
"What are you talking about? You never ask me for help..." He said, that harshness from his voice earlier faded.
A frustrated chuckle escaped me as I averted my eyes from his.
Giving up on this whole conversation, I grabbed my bag and made my way to the door.
"You're not going anywhere!" Abraham fumed, blocking my way.
"Yes, I am..." I whispered.
"No, you're not." He demanded, ripping my bag from my hand, and throwing it across the room. "You're not leaving this room with how things are right now..."
"Oh. Really? Because I clearly remembered when I use to ask you for help, which you're right, I never do anymore, you seemed to be completely okay with leaving me broken and in tears, because something else was always more import-"
A sharp pain on the left side of my chest struck me, making me wince. The very core of my bones in my hands began to ache, making me wring them profusely.
Walking back towards the bed I sat down, trying to clear my mind to get rid of this pain.
"...It's happening, that thing you were talking about in your journal, isn't it?" He asked, coming towards me.
"Don't..." I muttered, glaring at him in annoyance.
Back at a certain point in time, the emotional pain he made me feel was so great that somehow it translated itself physically, crippling me whenever he hurt me, or whenever I thought about how he hurt me in the past. It was its strongest when I saw him being with someone else the way that I ached to be with him. The pain would last for hours.
"...Do you need me to do anything or?" He asked, sitting himself down next to me.
"Yeah, I need you to shut up..." I fumed, trying to stay calm and wish the pain away.
For once he actually listened to me, and kept his mouth shut.
The pain was so intense this time that I felt myself shaking.
"Quit..." I begged him.
"...I'm not doing anything..." He replied softly.
"The way you're looking at me right now is pissing me off. There's nothing to be worried about. It's not like you've ever been worried before anyway..." I sighed, scooting myself away from him.
"...Now that's not fair." He protested. "I do worry about you..."
"Oh yeah? Enough not to sleep with girls all the fucking time so I can actually come sleep in my bed, and not have to worry about finding some place else to crash? Wow thanks, I see it now. You really do worry about me..." I fumed, sick of the bullshit that was coming out of his mouth. "...Why'd you even bring this up anyway? So that you could tell me how much of an asshole best friend I am? So that you can pin the blame on me, like you always do when something goes wrong with this pathetic friendship of ours? So that you can tell me to leave, because you're disgusted, and you don't want to see me anymore?"
I was shocked. For the first time in a long time, tears were streaming down my face. My long buried emotions were beginning to come out; their start with the words I just expressed. Embarrassed, I grabbed my bag once again and tried to leave the room, but he wouldn't let me.
"Get out of my way..." I growled, trying to keep my voice from cracking.
"No..." He whispered, his green eyes darting back and forth as he looked at me. "No."
"Why? What the fuck are you still keeping me here for?" I raged, ready to punch him with how pissed off I was getting at this point.
"...Because you're my home." He said, releasing this faint chuckle. "...and without you, I'm lost."
Dropping my bag down next to me, a waterfall of tears flew out of me.
"...I know I've fucked up." He continued. "And I'm sorry it took me so long to see that, but I'm not letting you go, no matter how long it takes me to fix what I destroyed, or no matter how much you wish I'd just leave you alone. I don't hate you, and I'm not disgusted by the fact that you care enough about me to want to give me the world..."
"Don't do that..." I cried in my hands.
"Do what?" He whispered.
"Give me hope. I'm tried, and I don't want to hope anymore..." I said though a staggered breath. "I'm tired Abraham, I'm tired..."
"Then I'll change!" He panicked, grabbing hold of me as I tried to leave again. "Please. I'll change..."
"...And what would that make me?" I cried, trying to pry his arms from around my waist.
"...Don't you get it? It's because I love you that I won't force you to change. It's because I love you that I'm choosing for us, and so I have to go..."
"No Will, you can't do this to me. I don't want you to choose for me!" He fumed. "What am I suppose to do without you?"
Taking a deep breath, I wiped my face and turned to face him.
"...You'll learn to live without me like I learned to live without you." I replied. "And you're right. It's not my right to choose for you, so I'm choosing this for myself. For the first time, I'm putting me before you..."
Tonight seemed to be the first for everything because, for the first time in a long time, I saw tears escape Abraham's evergreen eyes.
"...But you're my home." He crooked. "You're what keeps my world steady..."
"...That reason's not good enough for me, not anymore." I said, grabbing my bag from the floor, and finally making it on the other side of that door. "Because while I was your home, you were the warmth in my bed during those cold winter nights. You were the cool breeze in the middle of a sunny spring day. You were the drop of rain during a hot summer. You were my world..."
Standing there silently with nothing else to say, I kissed him for the first time and for the last time, stealing what I longed to have for so long.
"Will, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" He called after me, as I left him, and all the memories that we shared behind.
Step by step, the weight of his grip that he had on me was slowly dissipating.
"Will!" He screamed.
With each breath of new air that filled my lungs, I felt more and more still.
"Please! Don't do this to me! You're all I have!" He shouted, his words fading out.
Pushing on the outside doors to the chilled air of fall, I felt free and at peace.
...And you were all I had. Were.
A/N: Thank you guys for reading. This is my first short story. I hoped you guys liked it. It wasn't only that I went through something similar as this, but the idea just bugged me to the point of being written. For any of you guys who have a best friend that you're in love with, sometimes it's just best to let them go.
You can't heal if you're still holding on to what's making you sick.
~Vice.