After I tried to die, the doctor decided I could go home the day I woke up. But there was one condition, I had to stay home for at least a week. I could not go to the store or the park or anywhere else. That was a problem. How in the fuck would staying home with my mom help me? Since it was "dangerous" for me to be home alone, from now on someone had to stay home with me at all times. I was not allowed to be alone.
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Day 1 - Monday
I woke up on the couch. I was not allowed to sleep in my room this week. They made me throw away my razors. When they turned my room upside down to look, they found my weed so that went in the toilet.
I wondered if they understood that this was not helping. This was making me even worse, I still didn't want to be alive. I still hated everything about myself. I decided to just pretend a little bit each day, just pretend I was doing better.
The couch was not very comfortable but I did get a good nights sleep. Mostly because they had me on sleeping meds. I got up and stretched, looked around and realized; I'm alone.
Nobody was in the room with me. Ha, one day and already no one cares enough to stick around even when they have to. It was hilarious to me, so hilarious that I made the mistake of laughing out loud.
Just then my mom walked out of MY room. What was she doing in there?! Nothing is safe anymore. As she walked out with tears in her eyes she asked, "Is this really funny to you Bliss? You stressed all of us out and had us scared to death and it's funny to you?"
I knew she would do something like this. I didn't want to stay with her for a whole week so I said, "No but this place is not a happy place for me, I don't want to be here." And just then out of seemingly nowhere she looked up, angrily wiping away fake tears, "Well where the fuck is a happy place!?" she screamed at me. "You're obviously not happy here. I don't know what to do. What? What?! Do you want me to call Augustine? Would you be happier with him?" The words dripped from her lips like poison.
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My "father's" name is Augustine. But I hadn't seen him in about seven years at that time. He got hooked on hardcore drugs (e.g. Cocaine, heroin, acid.) and left us behind. He left with a prostitute had a stupid, fake name like "Candy".
I didn't hate him for leaving or even getting hooked on drugs. I hated him for leaving me here with my mom. Why couldn't he have taken me with him and just leave me somewhere? Anywhere but with her. I felt so abandoned.
He left me with so many broken promises. He promised trips to the zoo and the museum and the aquarium. But none of those promises were kept, one day he was just gone and I hadn't heard from him since.
I understood why he left and I even understood why he was hooked on drugs. It wasn't really that hard to understand. My mom was a bully and bullies can make you crazy. She was making me crazy but I have to admit it wasn't just her. He did his own part in ruining his life.
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At that point I began to cry. How could she bring up something like that? Something that I was still upset over, I'd never get over it. That's why she would bring it up, just to hurt me.
Tears formed in my eyes and I just stared at her. What was I supposed to say now? How do I respond to that? How would I know if I'd be happier with him? I haven't seen him in seven years.
I continued to stare until the tears in my eyes began to fall and I cried quietly. Finally she broke the silence, "Look I know you're not happy and I'm sorry for saying that." She spewed complete bullshit from her mouth. She wasn't sorry, she just wanted to pull me back so I wouldn't snap on her.
I wiped my tears away and looked at her for a moment, "Can I spend this week with Tio?" That was my only question, I didn't need anything from her. I could see that my question rubbed her the wrong way but I didn't really care. She looked down and quietly said, "If that's what you want then sure."
I could tell she was trying to make me feel guilty, I could just hear it in her tone but I was too tired to feel anything anymore. I went into my room and packed a duffel bag so I could spend a whole week with my favorite person.
I never told my uncle the whole story about why and everything that happened at school but he knew things weren't right. He also knew I didn't really want to talk about and he wasn't about to force me.
I packed shirts, pants, underwear, a notebook with a pen and my medications. I didn't need a toothbrush or shampoo or anything like that because I already had those things there.
I could tell my mom didn't exactly want me to go but it didn't matter. I got in the car and she took me to his house.
She didn't walk me inside, she just dropped me off. I forced myself to say, "I love you, I'll see you soon." She nodded and mumbled, "Love you too." I walked inside to find my Tio in the kitchen.
I genuinely smiled, "Hey there." He looked up and smiled as well, "Hey, I wasn't expecting you." I nodded, "Yeah, I got my mom to let me stay here for the week. I don't exactly want to be around her right now." His smile fades and he nodded, "It's probably better if you're not around her. I know how she is."
We spent the rest of the day watching movies and just talking about stupid things. He fell asleep on the couch while we were watching some comedy movie. I woke him up when it ended and we both went to our rooms. I took my sleeping pills and my depression pills and another pill they gave me but I didn't know what it was for. I just knew I had to take them.
I drifted to sleep wondering what school would be like when I went back. I knew no one would know what happened but I still wondered.
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Day 2 - Tuesday
I woke up tangled in the sheets of my bed, still kind of tired, it was around seven o' clock. I untangled myself and rolled out of bed. First I went to the bathroom then to the kitchen. I made myself toast with Nutella and went to the living room. My Tio wasn't awake yet, he usually woke up really early but he was really tired the night before so I didn't bother.
I sat on the couch and turned on the tv. There wasn't anything I really wanted to watch so I flipped through the channels. I finally settled on turning off the tv and going back to my room/the guest room. I had a radio in the room so I turned it on to my favorite radio station, it played alternative music. I listened to a song by the Foo Fighters called Everlong.
That song still means so much to me. I sat and listened quietly and decided to pull out the notebook I brought with me. I didn't bring it with me for any specific reason, I just subconsciously packed it.
I opened it to a page in the middle of the book and started to write down my thoughts and feelings. I liked writing, and reading. Really I just liked English and literature, I had and A in English, that was my only really good grade.
I wrote about Cameron and Tyler and all the mean things everyone said about me and to me. I cried as I wrote but these tears felt good to cry. They weren't empty, they were full of all the feelings I had been bottling up.
I wrote pages and pages about how I felt and when I was finished, it was like a small weight had been lifted.
No, I wasn't miraculously happy after I started writing and I didn't recover. I didn't go back to school and make new friends and I was still very sad. But after I started writing, I gained a little bit of hope. Something I didn't have for a very very long time.
When I finished writing I curled up in the blankets and listened to the music, after a while I ended up falling asleep.
I remember dreaming, actually dreaming. It wasn't a nightmare. I dreamt about getting older and graduating and going to great places.
I woke up in the afternoon with a headache, I forgot to take my pills that morning. I rolled out of bed and looked at the clock, it was around one o' clock. There was a big crash in the kitchen and I jumped from my bed. Slightly, scared,I walked out of the room and snuck into the kitchen.
As soon as I saw what happened I was laughing. There was my uncle cursing at a bowl of cereal spilled on the floor. I walked into the kitchen laughing and as soon as he saw me laughing he started laughing. Things like that helped so much.
Back then it was hard for me to laugh or even smile. But every once in a while I just had to laugh. Just because I was depressed didn't meant didn't have a few good days.
My uncle and I went to the store later that day. I took a shower and put on a pair of black leggings and an Iron Maiden sweatshirt, I was still pale from the lack of nutrition from the hospital and the amount of medications I was taking.
But when I came out of the guest room and met my uncle in the living room he still said, "You're looking wonderful today Bliss." He ended his sentence with a sincere smile and I believed him.
We went to Walmart just to look around I guess. I like going to big stores but not alone, I need someone there with me otherwise I get bad anxiety and have to leave.
As we walked into the large store I saw him. He was standing there looking smug, he had a girl standing next to him and he had his arm around her waist. Cameron was standing by the attached McDonalds with a girl and a group of friends. I could feel my stomach drop and I immediately wanted to throw up.
My uncle could tell something wasn't right, "What's the matter?" I stayed quiet as I stared at Cameron. I wondered if he knew what happened, he probably didn't but I still wondered. As we walked passed him I hoped he didn't see me but later on while I was looking at the clothes I received a text message:
Cameron: I saw you walk by you look awful. Why so pale?
I wanted to text him back telling him about what I had done but I knew that wouldn't help anything. I wanted to actually thank him for being concerned but I knew he didn't deserve my attention so I ignored him.
While I looked at the clothes and picked out new shirts I received a text and then another and another all in a row.
Cameron: Bliss what happened?
Cameron: don't ignore me
Cameron: I want to help
I decided to text him back.
Me: I don't need your help.
Cameron: what is your problem? Oh let me guess. You haven't gotten laid...I can help with that you know ;)
I was going to throw up, I could feel it. As I rushed to the bathroom I told my uncle to hold the shirts I picked out. I threw open the restroom door and rushed into a stall. I let out all of it, my breakfast and my feelings. Once I felt better I went to the sink and rinsed off my face with cold water and went to find my uncle. I never bothered to text Cameron back.
As I walked back to my uncle I kept my head down. I walked quickly and I ran into someone. I looked up from the ground ready to apologize until I saw who I ran into. The girl who was with Cameron stood before me, I didn't know her name but she knew my name.
"Oh look who it is." She spit the words at me and smile maliciously. I just stayed quiet and tried to walk around her but she grabbed my arm. She pulled me towards her and asked, "So why are you so obsessed with Cameron? Still chasing his dick, hm? Well it doesn't matter, he's mine anyways."
I really didn't care about any of that but she was hurting my arm so I tried to pull myself away from her. She smirked, "Oh you're not getting away so easily, I have a real problem with you, you little fat whore." I bit my lower lip until it bled but I stayed quiet. "Don't you talk at all? Did you lose your voice from sucking to much dick?" She spewed absolute poison from her mouth.
Just then a boy yelled, "Ashley let her go! What the fuck are you doing!?"Out of seemingly nowhere Cameron appeared and pulled this girl, apparently named Ashley, off of me. Then my uncle walked up, "What the hell is going on Bliss? Do you know them?" I could taste the blood in my mouth, "They just go to school with me." I said as quiet as a mouse. My uncle had never seen me like this.
He looked at me shocked then looked at Cameron and Ashley, furious. "What the fuck have you been doing to her?! She's traumatized! Fucking psychopaths. Come on Bliss, we have to leave." I nodded but kept my eyes on the floor as I continued to bite down on my lower lip, making it bleed more.
We left the store in a rush and soon we were on our way home. My uncle was silent in the drivers seat as I was silent in the passenger's seat. We did not speak until we got home.
When we got back to the house my uncle asked a lot of questions such as:
•Do you know them?
•Were they your friends?
•Do you want me to call the school?
•Are you hurt? That girl was holding your arm tightly. Are you bruised?
•Why didn't you fight back?
I answered all the questions except for the last one. I pondered the question for a very long time but I didn't have a real answer, I didn't know why I wouldn't fight back. I could've taken Ashley down very easily, I had taken karate for two years (I'm a green belt, but I dropped out when I started middle school).
Ashley's grip was strong but that didn't mean she knew how to fight. I couldn't think of a real reason why I didn't fight back. And even now I can't think of a reason. It seemed that I was frozen in time.