The last time I saw my mother was a little over ten years ago. She had been gone since Friday afternoon and it was late Monday night and I was starting to worry again.
She did this pretty often, run off for the weekend and come home Monday afternoon high as a kite or off a recent high if she wasn't already drunk. It was sad, when I thought about it, that I knew what drugs did to you and what they were and the effect they had on people firsthand at nine, eight and even seven years old.
I was starting to worry this time with my mother. She was usually home when I got back from school, sleeping on the couch in the family room in whatever clothes she'd worn all weekend. She was a mess and usually high, but she was safe for those few hours before she'd go out again that night.
She hadn't come home yet this time though and I stayed up until midnight that night worrying when I heard stumbling footsteps below me. I jumped out of my bed and rushed down the stairs to greet her. When I got downstairs, I ran up to her and practically tackled her with a hug. I told her I had been worried about her, that I'd missed her all weekend, and that I'd scored two goals in my game on Saturday morning.
Instead of her usual "that's nice Tessa now let mommy sleep" response, I was shoved away and told to "leave me the hell alone, I'm coming off a high right now" as she stumbled onto the couch and passed out.
I was mortified when she wouldn't respond as I shook her arm with all my strength. I stood there crying for five minutes before racing upstairs to get my dad. My dad sent me to Lisa's room and called the police, a warrant had been issued for her arrest on Saturday and it was the only way he was going to get her out of our lives.
I was supposed to stay with Lisa, but I snuck down to the top of the staircase to watch the drama unfold. She had woken up and was now yelling at my dad and cursing up a storm, calling him every name in the book after he told her he called the police. She slapped him in the face and he calmly told her that she needed to quiet down because Lisa and I were sleeping. She replied by yelling back at him, telling him that his pain in the ass kid wouldn't leave her alone when she got back. He yelled back that time and it was then that the police arrived and took her away in handcuffs.
The last memory I had of my mother was her being dragged away in handcuffs, wearing the very coat she had on nearly ten years later when I saw her at the rink.
I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized it was her.
Why the hell did she think she should come here?
When I snapped back into reality, I realized that she had stopped in her tracks as well, looking me in the eye.
"Tessa, is that you?" she asked quietly, her eyes brightening up when she made the connection.
I couldn't say anything, my mind went completely blank.
"Mom?" I said, barely audibly, after what seemed like an eternity spent staring at her eyes that were the same shade of ocean water blue as mine were.
"Oh my gosh Tessa, I've missed you so much!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around me.
"Get off me!" I exclaimed, all of my anger from the past ten years beginning to show its ugly face.
"What's wrong?" she asked way too innocently.
"What the hell do you think?" I exclaimed, "The last time you saw me you called me a pain in the ass kid and told me to get the fuck off of you!"
"Tessa, honey, I've changed!" she said all too sweetly, reaching for my hand.
"I don't want to hear it," I said, shaking my head, "You've fucked my life up enough," I remarked, walking out of the rink only to have her follow me.
"How did I manage to do that when I've been locked up in that hellhole your father got me sent to for ten years?" she snapped.
"Don't even start," I retorted, "Dad turned you in because you were a shitty example for Lisa and I. You were spending all our money, you were ruining our lives."
"But I'm your mother!" she exclaimed, "And he never brought you two to see me!"
"Because he didn't want us around you and we didn't want to see you ever again!" I exclaimed, "You haven't been my mother since I was seven and that's not going to change, ever. You ruined your one shot Mom, you don't get to come back into my life."
"But Tessa! I'm changing, I promise," she said, "I'm at a rehabilitation center now, I just moved here to Aladine for treatment."
"That's what you said twelve years ago when Dad got mad at you after you ran off the night before my seventh birthday and didn't come back until the day after, drunk as a sailor," I scoffed, rolling my eyes.
"Don't throw the past in my face," she snapped, "I want to be a part of your life Tessa, don't shut me out, please."
"I'm going to because I don't need you Mom, I needed you twelve years ago when you got addicted," I snapped, "You missed everything! Everything! You weren't there to go dress shopping with me for my first school dance or help me when I got my heartbroken and you weren't even there when I made my first travel team. You weren't fucking there then so don't expect to be around now because I don't need you and I don't want you in my life."
"You can't blame me for those things, it was your father who got me sent to that hellhole!" she retorted.
"Yes, I can!" I shouted back, "You were the one dealing and doing drugs Mom, you were the one who managed to get caught in illegal activity. You were the one who had a warrant out for your arrest! Dad was protecting Lisa and me from you because you didn't need to be around us."
"Why are you so focused on the past?" she yelled, "We can't change what happened then, what matters is now and I want to be in your life and in Lisa's life."
"We don't want you around and I never will!" I said through gritted teeth as I turned to walk away.
"Tessa, wait!" she snapped, grabbing my shoulder and violently turning me toward her.
"Keep your hands off of her," Taylor's voice said from behind her, grabbing her arm before she could put her hands on me again.
"You keep your hands off of me!" she exclaimed.
"She told you to leave her alone," Taylor said calmly, "If you don't leave her alone, we can get the police involved."
"I am her mother!" she exclaimed.
"I know, that's why you need to stay away from her," he replied, still calm, cool, and collected, unlike myself who was red in the face angry and on the verge of tears, "I don't think your parole officer would be happy with you getting arrested less than a week after getting out of jail."
"You don't know that," she glared.
"Stay away from Tessa," he said, "Or I'll call the police myself."
"Just let me talk to you Tessa, please!" she pleaded, turning to me.
"No," I replied, "I don't want to speak to you ever again."
"Fine," she sneered, "But this isn't over," she said before walking away.
"You okay?" Taylor asked after she had walked away, pulling me into his arms.
"I hate her so much," I sighed, letting all the tears out as I sobbed into his crisp white dress shirt.
"I know," he sighed, rubbing my back as we stood out in the parking lot amidst the falling snow.
"Can we go back to your place now?" I sniffled.
"Yeah," he said, "I managed to avoid my dad so I'd like to go before he finds us out here," he added, letting go of me.
"How the hell did she find me," I remarked as we walked to his dorm hand in hand.
"I mean, all she had to do was get on the internet, really," he replied.
"I'm looking up why she was released and on what terms she was released," I said, shaking my head, "How did they let her get out of state?"
"This isn't making much sense when you talk about it," he remarked as we got to his hall.
"I need to figure out what happened," I said as we got into his room.
"You can use my computer," he said, "I'm going to shower, you can lock the door if you want, just let me back in when I knock," he laughed.
"Nah I'll let you stand outside the door," I replied as he walked out of the room and I logged onto his computer.
I could barely keep my eyes open as I turned on his computer and tried to get onto the internet. My eyelids finally got too heavy somewhere along the line and my troubled mind drifted off to sleep.
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