Cody:
“It’s been five days, babe,” I whispered by the bed, holding her semi-warm hand in both of mine, “do you intend awakening to show me your pretty brown eyes?”
As my own eyes desperately observed her face, or her lips, or her in general to spot just one simple movement to cause her to stir, in hope that she would finally wake up from her temporary coma, she just remained motionless with her pretty eyes closed.
The ones I wanted so badly to just look into and apologize for overreacting five nights ago; the ones I wanted so badly to just look into and tell her a simple I love you because I never got the chance to; the ones I wanted so badly to just look into, seeing it glisten with pure joy and nothing else.
It’s my entire fault, wasn’t it?
“Cody,” Alli’s voice echoed behind me, trying to get me to turn around but as usual, I couldn’t bear to tear my eyes away from Merinda. What if I look away for one moment and she decides to slip right of her unconscious state? I didn’t want to miss that chance.
I couldn’t—I want to always be here when she first opens her eyes from being hospitalized and not. I couldn’t glaze over the fact that I was the one who brought her to this state, if I’d just kept my mouth shut and tried to put myself in her shoes, stop being paranoid for one day… Maybe she’d still be wide awake, and we would have kissed and made up.
“Cody.”
“What, Alli?” My voice didn’t come out the way I wanted it to; weak, shaky and exhausted. Instead, it came out strong, loud, and almost harsh and I was shocked at myself because I’ve never spoken so harshly to anyone before, much less my own baby sister that I loved very much. “Look, I’m sorry—”
“It’s fine,” Alli sighed understandingly, “I just wanted to let you know you should probably head home and catch up on your sleep—you can’t possibly stay here forever.”
“If I have to,” I determinedly answered, averting my gaze back onto Merinda’s peaceful face, “I will. And you know damn well you can’t stop me from doing what I want to.”
“Cody,” she grumbled, “just when are you going to wake the hell up?” She stressed, this time wrinkling her fingers slowly before her face in frustration.
“I was mad at you when you got her here, and I still am mad at you, but I’ve already accepted reality and I’m facing it, and the fact that Merinda’s going to stay here for more than a week. Aside from that, you’re my brother, and I can’t stand seeing you in such a state. You already flunked your last show here, are you going to keep that up or are you going to make amendments about that?”
Receiving her words felt like I was being antagonized.
Placing Merinda’s hand back down the bed as gently as I could, I rose from the chair and turned around to face Alli, trying to contain my aggravation, but it was too difficult because the guilt inside of me was growing more and more with every second that goes by.
“How do you expect me to focus on everything else when she’s lying over here, on this bed, all because of me?” I didn’t want to raise my voice, but I couldn’t help it.
I’m really, very tired of the way I’m constantly feeling because others just simply don’t understand what I go through whenever she’s unconscious, and in an unstable condition because they weren't the ones who were the cause of her in this state.
“Alli,” I let out a breath, trying to push past the dizziness in my head, “you don’t understand. No one understands me! I’m the cause of her being hospitalized, and also the cause of her blacking out more than half the time, do you know how bad I feel?” I paused, receiving a familiar pull in my chest that made it impossible for me not to clutch it to ease it.
I began shaking my head; my vision spinning; head throbbing. “You don’t…” I frowned. “You don’t get how guilty I feel, you don’t understand how painful it is to watch her lay like this when she could be watching the television or using her phone and laughing because you weren’t the reason to why she’s always lying on a bed, blacked out.”
“And what’s worse?” I paused to pull myself together because exhaustion was washing off me, taking effect by trying to pull my eyelids down when I was trying hard to push it back up. This push and pull situation wasn’t doing me good but I had to let it all out now.
“Never once, was she knocked out because of happiness. It’s always because she’s sad, or mad—and I’m always the reason why. And it feels terrible…” My eyes felt as though they weighed two hundred pounds, and I felt high but most of all, I felt lethargic. “I feel so remorseful, so horrible…”
“Cody,” I could vaguely see Alli’s figure move forward to steady my stumbling self.
“Cody, stay awake and listen to me. You’re going to sit back down, and you’re going to rest your voice, your mind, and your body. You’re going to shut up, and you’re going to forget this because your negativity isn’t getting Merinda and yourself anywhere, you hear me? Rest,” she sternly said, forcing me back down on the chair with her hands that were fixated on both my shoulders.
The only thing I couldn’t promise her was resting my mind. Because, how could I? After all that I’d caused… How could I possibly do that? That’s right—I couldn’t. I had way too much to think about to listen to her words.
Leaning over the edge of the bed, I rested my head on the empty space on her bed. “Merinda,” I heaved a sigh, closing my eyes. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
Alli:
The moment I heard my brother’s light snores fill the room, I quietly backed out and switched off the lights on my way out, closing the door behind me. Once again, I was back in the hospital with the same people around me. I don’t even think I’ve ever visited the hospital so many times within a year.
Yes, two was the amount and two was many to me.
“So what’s going on in there?” Matt asked with worry laced in his tone, making me shoot him a small smile to outweigh slight concern.
“Well, he’s finally willing to get some sleep…” I trailed off, remembering his words.
“But he’s putting the blame on himself—he kept on blabbering about how it’s his fault every time Merinda falls into an unconscious state. He said he feels so bad that nobody gets it. He even told me that never once did she black out because of something good. He’s wearing himself out.”
“But in a way, I understand how he feels,” Matt sighed when I took a seat next to him.
“It’s difficult for him to have a relationship with a girl who isn’t entirely healthy. He has to juggle between taking care of her and his career, and since she’s always over thinking, they don’t always stay happy and he thinks it’s his fault when really, it’s her panic disorder in the way.”
“But how can she not have panic disorder?” I defended, furrowing my eyebrows.
“She has cancer, Matt. That’s a big deal, and she’s only sixteen. Of course she has to think more than others, right? Who knows when she’s going to pass out the next moment, apart from God? And she’s dating one of the hottest singers in this world, you should’ve known long ago that she thinks about others way more than herself, so she’s always thinking for him.”
“That’s it!” Matt pointed out instantly, jerking his eyes onto mine.
“That’s the thing! Merinda’s always thinking too much about her future with Cody that he’s beginning to think she’s only doing it for herself. She’s always considering the fact that her illness is in the way of their relationship and she wants to remind him how his life would be like if they carried on leading their lives together, like that.”
“But there’s still one problem,” I could feel my eyebrows furrowing deeper like they had lives of their own. “Even if we were to break this down to Cody in the simplest way, he still wouldn’t be able to take it to mind and to heart because he’s already been affected by her attitude—”
“Not if we keep trying to widen his mentality… For all we know, if there’s a plot twist, which I highly think there would be because your brother isn’t an unreasonable man, he could consider our words and try to change his perspective so that next time, when she does over think and let him know her thoughts, he would be able to handle it better.”
“Okay, but we can’t be the ones to let him know because, as reasonable as he could get, sometimes he’ll over think about things like this so if one or both of us tell him about it, he’s going to think we’re turning against him for overanalyzing this matter and then he’ll shut himself away from everybody, and—not to mention the fans aren’t going to know about his behavior now.”
“They would freak the hell out,” Matt agreed, nodding along. “I guess you’re right, and it’s a good thing because Nassif and Stirls are coming back early morning so maybe we could get them here? And then tell them about it so one of them could tell it nicely to Cody. What do you think?”
“It’s a good idea,” I nodded slowly, trying to think it through further.
“But one of us has to stay until it’s over so clearly, you’ll be the one to watch how it all goes down, while I’ll excuse myself to the restroom, when really, I’m just going to grab some fruits at the cafeteria,” though, I paused after one second. “And actually, since Ryan and Justin are both in LA now, why don’t I just ring them both up on this, then ask them to get here before carrying out this plan? It’s more convenient.”
“Right, that’s a great idea.”