I should probably stop apologizing for taking forever to update and just do it right? Lol. This chapter was hard for me to write. It's emotional. Enjoy :)
Davie
I think I may have paced my bedroom for the 100th time. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't think clearly. My heart and my mind were being torn in two different directions and I couldn't get them agree in the slightest.
My heart was telling me that I loved Calum. I loved him so much. And I've loved him since before my heart even knew what it was capable of. I love his smile, the crinkles by his eyes, the little dimples in his cheeks, the way his bare back looks against the sheets in the mornings. But none of it mattered, because my mind was telling me that I couldn't be with him. I couldn't be the reason he didn't take and live out every one of his dreams.
He would hold back, if he was with me. Because I know he loves me too. He wouldn't take he chances he needed and he wouldn't leave. I know he's been staying in a hotel close to campus for the passed few week, after he dropped his classes he couldn't stay in the dorms. And I know he's staying because of me. This city doesn't offer the things that LA or New York could offer someone like him, an artist on the rise of making it big.
So I had to tell him I couldn't be with him anymore. He has to leave me and go make his dreams come true. He has to do what he's been working so hard for, and not let me hold him back. Somehow I have to convince him that I don't love him. But I think that's nearly impossible.
"Davie?" I hear a light tapping on my bedroom door.
"Hey Alex." I swipe at the tears on my cheeks that I didn't notice were rolling down my cheeks.
"What's going on? You've been in here a long time." She comes into my room and plops down on the bed, rubbing her little belly through her oversized tshirt she had stolen from Ashton.
"I um..I have to break up with Calum." I almost sob, before I sit down, defeated on my bed across from her.
"What? What's he done? I told you last time this happened that I would kill him!" She starts to stand up but I grab her wrist and pull her back down.
"No, no Alex it isn't like that. I'm holding him back. He won't leave this stupid city because of me." I push my hair behind my ears, the sobs just barely staying at bay in my chest.
"And you think breaking up with him will solve all of your problems?" She asks.
"No. But it will help him go where he needs to. He's worked too hard to lose the chances he's being given."
"You're an idiot sometimes, Davie." She shakes her head at me.
"What?" I look at her confused.
"You say you're doing this for him, but this is for you. You don't want to feel guilty for his choices, because he loves you that damn much. You're going to crush him." Alex's face looks upset, and she hasn't stopped shaking her head.
"I know it will hurt him. But trying to be selfless here. Just because he loves me doesn't mean he should give up everything else."
"Don't you think you're going to regret this?" She says quietly.
"For the rest of my life." I whisper. Alex nods, before she gets up off of my bed.
"Then I hope you know what you're doing, Davie." She walks out but leaves the door open.
I barely have a chance to breathe from that conversation when there's a knock on the front door. I know it's him, and my heart can barely keeps its rhythmic beat as the reality of this sets in.
My shaky hand slowly twists the knob and opens the door, revealing my beautiful boyfriend, at least he is for the next few minutes. The best minutes of my life were spent with him.
"Can I come in, baby?" He says quietly. My heart drops all together.
"Yes." It barely comes out above a whisper as I step aside and let him walk passed me. I breathe in the sent of his cologne, committing it to memory one last time.
"Talk to me. Please." He begs.
I grab his hand and pull him into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I look over at him, the blonde highlights in his hair have faded out for the most part, it's curly and disheveled. His blue tshirt clings to his muscular chest and arms. Maybe being in this close of quarters wasn't such a good idea.
"Calum I..." I try to start but he cuts me off.
"I know what you're going to say, and I'm not going to let you do it, Davie." He steps towards me and I step back.
"Yes, you are."
"How can you say that? How can you act like we haven't proven over and over that we can't be apart? I'm not letting you go again, dammit." Calum runs his hand through his hair in frustration.
"I won't be the reason you stay in this place. You're going places that I can't go, Calum."
"Then come with me. I want you with me." He says it like its the most simple answer in the world.
"I'm not going to throw away things I've been working for to follow you around." I say, confused.
"I'm selfish enough to ask that you do. I love you." He steps towards me again and takes my hand in his.
"I can't do that. And you shouldn't either. I'm not ever going to ask you to stay here for me. You need to let me end this, before I can't." I bite into my lip to keep from crying.
"I'm not letting you leave. Not again."
"You have to."
"Dammit, Davianna! Are you listening to me? I said I won't do it. I belong with you, and you belong with me. That's all there is to this." His voice is loud and angry.
"You have to do what the record company wants, or you'll lose the deal. They aren't going to let you stay here." I move to stand on the other side of the bed.
"I'll come back all the time. We can make it work." He says.
"No." Is all I can say.
"Why are you being so damn stubborn about this?" He almost growls.
"Because it's how it has to be. I can't be with you anymore." I'm barely able to choke out the last few words before a sob heaves from my chest. That hurt worse to say than I ever imagined it would be.
"You don't mean that. I know you love me." He walks around the bed as quickly as he can, trapping me to the wall and holding my cheeks in his hands.
"Of course I love you. Don't you see, that's why I'm doing this?" I cry and lean into his touch.
"I can't do this without you." His voice breaks and I can see his own tears welling up in his eyes. If my heart didn't hurt before, it was shattered now.
"Yes you can. You're going to be amazing. You're going to make a record and it's going to be the best thing anyone has heard. And you're going to do that without me, Calum." I put my hands on top of his as he still holds my face.
"Baby, please. Don't do this to me again." He sniffles his nose and I can barely hold myself together. I'd take every ounce of his pain away and endure it myself if I could.
"I love you. And I'll always love you, Calum Hood. But you have to go. And you can't come back. You have to let me go." Hot tears stain my cheeks.
"I'm not ever letting you go. No matter what you think after I leave here, I will not let you go." He crashed his lips against mine and I let him. I savor it. Every second of it. His lips are home, soft and warm. I let my fingers tips run up his arms, to memorize every curve of his muscles and up into his hair, I want to remember every little detail.
"You have to go." I whisper on his lips.
"Why won't you let me fight for this?" He presses his forehead against mine.
"Because it's already over." I breathe. My chest hurts so badly I can barely breathe.
"There isn't ever going to be anyone else, Davie. Not ever." He pecks my lips again.
"I know." I let go of him, and it's the hardest thing ive ever done. Taking my hands away from his skin when all I want to do is feel his against mine for the rest of my life.
I open my bed room door, and let him walk out ahead of me to the front door.
"I can't just walk out of here. Davie, you're killing me." He falls on his knees in front of me, clutching my hips and bunching my shirt in his fists. He presses his forehead against my stomach.
I try to breathe. My hands going into his hair as I lean down and kiss the crown of his head.
"Please, Calum. I need you to go." It comes out in broken sobs.
"No. No no no no. Please baby girl, I can't do this." I can feel his wet tears soaking through my shirt and my knees just become too weak for me to hold myself up, so I slump down to the floor in his arms.
"Please stop making this so hard." I cry into his shoulder.
"I love you. You're my everything." He kisses my cheeks and my forehead.
I almost give in. I almost tell him to forget this whole thing. Pretend it never happened. But instead, I pulls myself from his grip and stand from the floor.
"Get out, Calum." I sob again.
"No." He stands up and faces me.
"Get out! You have to get out!" I yell and cry at the same time.
"I can't." He says.
"Goodbye, Calum." I walk around him and open the front door. He only stares at me a moment, before he shuffles his feet forward.
"I'm at the hotel close to campus. I'm leaving in three days. Please don't let this be the last time I see you." He leans down and kisses my lips, I kiss him back, only for a second, before I pull away.
The hurt on his face is enough to send me over the edge. He walks out of the door and I shut it as quickly as I can before I start sobbing uncontrollably. My whole body heaves and I have to clutch my chest to keep my heart from bursting right through it.
I slump against that spot on the floor where he just held me. I cover my mouth with my hand as Alex comes running out of her room and sliding to the floor in front of me, wrapping her arms around my shaking body.
I don't know how long we say there. I don't know how this is going to hurt. But if the amount of pain I feel right now is any indication, it will hurt forever.