"I've been trying to tell you this for so many weeks," Eren muttered, hurriedly drawing in a breath, "for so many months, actually, Mikasa. Please don't cry, I don't want to see you cry. I can't hide this from you anymore. I'm dying, Mikasa. I'm really sick and I don't have much time left. I can't take care of you or your baby once I'm gone and I'm sorry. I don't want to have to leave you or the baby alone but-"
He tipped his head back in exhaustion, letting out a suppressed cry, his grip on the brim of the sink tightening. Then he snapped his head back, glaring into his own worn-own reflection in the scratched mirror of the dingy bathroom. "Eren, this isn't working," he raked his hands through his hair, making it stick out in all different directions, but he couldn't care less, "Stop rehearsing."
"Stop this shit," he barked at his reflection, which offered him no comfort. He really ought to keep his volume down. If he continued hollering at himself, it would only alert his parents who were sound asleep. It was five in the morning after all.
"Argh," he grunted in sheer frustration. He didn't want to tell Mikasa anymore. She would cry. And besides, what good was there in telling her about it now? She was already pregnant, with Levi's child.
Eren tugged his shirt over his head, chucking it aside. It landed in a warm heap on the cold tiles directly underneath the sink. Then he shrugged out of his jeans, folding it neatly and placing it beside his shirt. He didn't wish to dirty them.
He slipped into the bathtub, settling into a foetal position with his knees drawn up to his chest. He reached out and retrieved a pair of scissors which he had placed beside the tub earlier.
What, am I doing? He thought to himself as he flipped open the scissors, embedding the sharp end into his wrist. The old scabs were still visible, but they had left red and nasty marks on his arm. They did not look like they would fade anytime soon.
"Listen," a soft yet firm voice from within his head whispered, "Mikasa doesn't love you at all, or else why would she fall pregnant to Levi? Your parents don't want you. They wanted a healthier child. Your life is trash, darling, complete trash. You're going to die soon anyway, so why not just get it over and done with now?"
Expressionless, he pierced through the intact skin between his old scars, watching a bead of blood form. As he had done before, he dragged it across, diagonally, but harder this time.
"That's right," the cooing voice continued, "go deeper, Eren." Go. Deeper. He gritted his teeth and obediently pushed the edge into his wrist more.
Blood gushed out and streamed down his arm, collecting at his elbow and splashing onto the floor of the bathtub. "Ah," He cried in agony, trying to fight back the tears pricking the back of his eyes. He could feel the heat blooming from the cut.
Then his phone rang.
Gasping in shock, he abruptly dropped the scissors before he had severed any major blood vessels. It flew away from him, landing at least a meter away. Specks of blood were splattered on the sides of the tub, some making their way to the floor.
"Friggin' hell," he cursed, snarling at the mess he had made.
Panicking, he fished his vibrating phone out of his jeans pocket, accidentally bloodying everything he touched.
He held it to his ear, and croaked out a "hello?" Who could be calling him at five in the morning?
"Eren?" Mikasa's voice was muffled in the speakers, "I'm sorry I woke you but can you please meet me at the park? I can't sleep and you're the only person I want to see right now."
Eren faltered, his emerald orbs widening. Mikasa? Wanting to see him? "No, I was already awake. I-I'll be there in a few. I just have to, um uh, clean something up."
"Alright, I'll wait for you there," she whispered and the phone clicked, the call ending.
~~~
Eren thought that it was wise of him to wear a long-sleeved hoodie. Mikasa would bombard him with a barrage of questions if she saw his new fresh wounds. His hands jammed in his pockets and his hood drawn over his head, he idly ambled to the designated meeting place, scanning the area for any signs of his friend. The sun had not risen yet and there was a peculiar tinge of orange in the skies, along with the aroma of crisp autumn leaves in the air. He would miss it all once he was gone.
Time check. Five forty two. There was not a single soul wandering in the park. It was an hour too early. What gave Mikasa the sudden urge to talk to him?
"Eren," someone caught him by the elbow and swung him around.
"Mikasa," he raised a sceptical brow.
"Eren," she dug her face into the crook of his neck, throwing her arms around his waist, "Thank you for coming." He radiated warmth upon touch and his biceps quivered when she snuggled into his embrace.
"Of course I would come," he hesitantly placed his hand on the small of her back, hoping that she would not shove him away.
"I-I came to talk to you about something," she reeled away a little to reveal her damp face to him, her eyes glistening in tears, "I've booked the doctors for next week."
Eren stared at her, slightly dazed. All he wanted to do was kiss her. His eyes skimmed over her, doing a double-take, mesmerised by her beauty close-up.
"I don't want this anymore," she muttered, "I've made up my mind. I'm going to have an abortion."
"You what?" Eren broke out of his reverie, only hearing what Mikasa had said a second later.
"I'm going to have an abortion," she repeated, her tone calm and collected, "I don't want the baby. I don't want any of this. I'll get rid of it before my parents find out."
"But you can't!" Eren protested, his voice cracking, "It's a life, Mikasa! It's precious, it has a heartbeat, and I love it because it's yours." He trailed off, refusing to express his love for her now.
There was a moment's silence between them as Mikasa took in his words. "Eren, I can't do anything else. I don't want the baby. It's Levi's," she cupped his face with her hand, gazing intently into his teal-green eyes. "I have a whole future ahead of me. I don't want to raise a child now. I'm not ready."
Eren did not know what to say. He could've said that he would raise the child with her, and give her all the support she needed, financially and mentally. But it would be a hollow promise. He could not do any of the fore-mentioned. His sickness forbade it.
"Don't do it, Mikasa, please."
"Eren," she breathed out in a rush, biting her bottom lip, "You said you loved the child."
"Yes," he nodded subtly.
"Well, I'll do a check-up next week. I want to run tests to see who the baby's father is. I can do that before the abortion. It'll give me enough time to think everything through properly," she lowered her head, concealing her face in the cosiness of the scarf.
"Have you told Armin yet?" he treaded carefully.
She shook her head no, pursing her lips.
"I want to take you somewhere," Eren leaned in, touching his forehead to hers, "Just the two of us. But promise me you won't abort the child yet. Not yet. Give yourself some more time to think."
She hauled her eyes up to meet his, caught in a sudden and rare array of ecstasy and love, "Where are you taking me?"
"If I told you, it wouldn't be as exciting anymore, would it?" the corners of Eren's mouth quirked up, "So you aren't doing anything to the baby, right?"
"Not now. I'll wait," Mikasa's finger played with the brim of his hoodie.
"The place I'm taking you is going to be beautiful, I promise," he could promise that much.
"I'm excited now," she forced a small, microscopic smile.
"You ought to be, since it's peace-time for the two of us. You need a little break," he rested his chin on her head, pleased to know that she had abandoned the thought of abortion for at least a while.
~
"Armin," Mikasa slipped into the vacant spot beside her friend at the lunch table. They were at school, in the cafeteria, which was thronged with ravenous students making a din. "Where's Eren?"
"He probably ditched again," Armin knew all too well that Eren did not attend school due to his illness.
Mikasa's face fell visibly at his response, the light draining away. She pushed away the tray of food before her, nearly spilling the apple cider.
"Hey, brighten up. I bring good news," he crammed a piece of bread into his mouth. Despite the fact that he did not wish to eat at all anymore after the mention of Eren, he had to, to avoid appearing suspicious in front of Mikasa.
Besides, he was never told what Mikasa's results were in the pregnancy test. Perhaps that was the core reason behind her apparent melancholic spirit. Nonetheless, he didn't want to bring up any upsetting thoughts.
"What is it?" her tone was sullen, her eyes unseeing, her ears unhearing.
"There is a new girl at our school," he muttered, attempting to sound as cheery as he possibly could.
"What's her name?"
Before Armin could speak, a girl had plonked her lunch tray down on their table, throwing her blonde-bangs back before taking the seat beside him. She flashed him a flirtatious grin, excessively batting her thick lashes, flaunting her azure eyes. Mikasa couldn't recognise her.
"I'm Annie," she introduced, mainly looking at the boy next to her, "Annie Leonhart. Nice to meet you, Armin Arlert. Isn't it great how I already know your name, sweetie?"