What the hell are you supposed to wear to homecoming? I'd been to so many but I had never actually cared or thought about what I looked like. My nostrils flared and I took off my shirt again. My preference for comfort over style was betraying me. I don't even know why I care so much this time, it's not like I had a date or something. I had two pairs of jeans, both of which cut into my hips because I rarely wore them and I had grown since I bought them. I buttoned up my only dress shirt and looked in the mirror again.
Kayla knocked on the door, "What is taking you so long, we're going to be late!" She promptly barged in. "What are you doing?"
"Trying to figure out what to wear."
"Alecia. It's homecoming. Wear what you wore to school. Since when do you care anyway?"
I looked down and took off my shirt, tossing it away and plunging back into the closet. I grabbed the only form fitting V-neck I own, which I didn't like to wear because I was usually far too sweaty to get away with it. Maybe large amounts of antiperspirants would save me. The longer I had the jeans on the more comfortable they got. I picked up a pair of flats and looked at them. I shook my head and put on tennis shoes instead.
"Oh my God. You have a date, don't you? Who is he?"
I looked at Kayla, "I don't have a date."
"Whatever you say." She looked at what I was wearing and scoffed, "You need to change clothes, you look so uncomfortable."
~
I sat in the bleachers waiting for the game to start, Kayla and I had snuck in the back way so I wouldn't have to pay admission, she was already off with her friends though. Cheven and Bev found me and sat down. I looked for Hanna, I finally spotted her with Gabe. Gabe came and sat on the other side of me, and Cheven glared across at Hanna. I was so happy they had come to sit by me that I didn't care what Cheven was doing. We all had fun ignoring the game and talking about anything besides football.
Our football team got destroyed, and soon we all migrated to the gym for the dance. I danced and goofed off with the soccer team for a while, but soon I noticed Hanna standing over by herself. She looked dangerously bored. I grabbed a glass of punch and joined her. We stood off to the side of the gym with our punch.
"Well hey stranger," she said with a curious smile, watching me.
I got nervous all the sudden and looked out at the dance floor to make sure no one from the team was watching us.
"Relax, no one sees us talking."
My head snapped to her, "What?"
"You're looking for your friends to make sure they're not watching. I know they talk about me." I looked at her, unsure what to say. She took a drink of the punch I had brought her, "Here, let's step outside and talk, take the pressure off."
She walked out the door that was cracked to let cool air in the gym and I soon followed. Hanna looked at the moon, it was so bright that it illuminated any shadow that would have been on her face. She leaned against the wall and breathed deeply. I leaned against the wall with her. "I'm sorry they talk about you. I wish I could get them to stop."
She laughed, "They're your friends Alecia, you couldn't get them to stop without outing yourself."
"Outing myself?" I said, trying to figure out if she was implying what I thought she was.
"Well you know," She said as her cheeks flushed red.
I turned my head and grinned, watching her, "No I don't." She knows I'm gay. I want her to say it.
Flustered, Hanna spoke, "-Well you wouldn't want them to know you're a ~lesbian-friendly~ person."
I laughed and looked down. We sat in silence for a few moments, enjoying the cool air. "I'm glad you came to the dance." I said, looking her in the eyes. My heart fluttered in my chest and I looked down at my feet, unsure what to think about how I was feeling. I'd never felt this way with anyone before, I was so nervous.
"I really only came because my mom made me. She wanted me to keep an eye on Gabe and Isaac, she doesn't trust them yet. I think they're sweet though, in a goofy kind of way."
"I've known them both my whole life, they're good guys."
The song All of Me by John Legend started playing over the speakers inside, and echoes of the piano floated out the door to us. "Will you dance with me?" Hanna asked.
My heart skipped a beat, "Yes." She's lonely, dancing with her is really the least I could do. Make her feel less alone in this difficult time. It doesn't mean anything. Heat flushed to my face as she looped her arms around my neck. I put my hands on her hips and my heart pounded in my ears. My shoulders tightened up and my breaths came in shallow, What if someone walks out here?
"Relax. No one can see us. We're alone." Her bright green eyes watched mine, concerned.
And with just those words my muscles loosened up and I let myself relax. I watched her face, trying to figure out what this girl was thinking. It felt good to be so close to her. I never want this dance to end. The thought caught me off guard. I embraced it. "I'm sorry Roxanne broke up with you at like the worst time ever."
She shrugged as we swayed. "Really we probably should have broken up a lot sooner. We didn't make each other happy and I think I realized that a little late."
I thought about what she said. "So, you moving was probably a blessing in disguise then?"
A faint smile crossed her face, "Yeah, really was." We swayed together to the song and a silence passed between us. "So how long have you known you were gay?"
A jolt went through my system, "Wh- I'm not-" I sighed, "How'd you know?"
"Well, you know, you're so nice to me, and you made that comment about all of the gay people at this school were in the closet, and when I talked to Gabe he said you've never really been with anyone," Now Hanna was babbling and blushing again. "And, you know, you're dancing with me."
I felt heat flush to my face, "You asked Gabe about me?"
"Well yeah, I like you, Alecia."
My head rushed and I was dizzy, standing there, looking at this beautiful girl. "I don't even know how to explain this. I've never felt the way I feel around you before."
A hint of a smile crossed her face, "Have you ever kissed a girl, Alecia?"
I stuttered, "Well no, I-"
She smiled, and without saying anything at all, she slid her hands down my arm just a bit, leaned in, and kissed me while Pentatonix' rendition of "Hallelujah" played over the sound system. So sweetly and gently, that if I'd been sleeping, she wouldn't have woken me. A sweeping feeling rushed from my stomach into my head. Hanna hugged me, but as soon as she let me go, I was running.
I ran back inside, overwhelmed and out of my depth.
Hands shaking, I skirted the edge of the dancefloor and ran to the hallway. I found a water fountain and took a long drink. I didn't even care that the water tasted like it had been sitting in the pipes for three days, I just needed a drink. Did that really happen? Did a girl just kiss me? And it felt... amazing. Shit. The door opened behind me and about jumped out of my skin. "Alecia? Are you ok?" Hanna asked cautiously.
I turned around quickly feeling my face go cold, I tried to say something, but I couldn't find any words.
Hanna shook her head, "Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. You've been so nice to me, I went too far." Her eyes were desperate and full of regret.
I shook my head and backed away, "Look, I can't be here right now, I'm sorry Hanna, I have to go," I found myself saying. I backed further and turned around to walk out of the building. Each step I took was faster, until I rounded the corner and broke into a run. Hanna pressed the palms of her hands to her eyes and leaned against the wall, eventually crumpling to the floor. "Fuck," She said softly.
I drove a little too fast home, only thinking to text Gabe to ask him to give Kayla a ride when I was sitting in the driveway at home. Up in my room I changed out of my uncomfortable clothes and into some old running shorts and a tank top. I paced. I couldn't bear to be inside anymore so I went out. Barefoot on my front porch, I stood still for just a moment.
I started running.
I ran across my front lawn, down the sidewalk, away from my home. I ran until my feet hurt. Then I ran some more. I stopped at the tree and crumpled against it. I folded into myself, bringing my knees to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs, burying my head in my knees.
I'm a lesbian.
It had all been theoretical until Hanna kissed me. I hadn't had to deal with my sexuality because I had never met anyone else who I was attracted to who was also gay. Now it was out there. I met a living breathing human who had mutual feelings for me. And now I had to deal with that.
I stood and walked back to the house. Rain fell from the sky, pelting me with cold little droplets. I hurried back home, sneaking in and praying I didn't run into anyone. I took the hottest shower, letting nearly scolding hot water wash all the rain and the dirt and the stress of the day away. I didn't think about what came next.
~
.
After class the next day I ran off to the locker room. I was determined to make practice go quickly. We all changed, and the girls started talking about homecoming. At first about how much fun the dance was and how much our football team sucks, but then the conversation changed. "Hey Alecia, did Hanna ever leave you alone?" Kendal asked.
My head whipped around, all eyes were on me.
Kendal added on, "She was all over you, and you were having none of it. We saw her drag you outside and then chase you into the hall."
Every cell in my brain capable of thought froze, and I felt the color drain from my face. My stomach twisted into knots at the thought that they had all seen me, even if they had a completely inaccurate conception of what had happened.
Cheven laughed at Kendal's comment, "And now there's a rumor going around that you're a lesbian, as if anyone would believe that! I bet Hanna is the one who made it up."
I thought I might pass out, the locker room was spinning. I tried to smile, and I gave a nervous laugh, "Yeah that's crazy."
"Not our Alecia," Kendal said and she patted me on the back. My skin crawled.
My throat was so dry, I didn't think I could talk anymore, even if I had something to say. They all smiled and talked, and I slipped out the moment I saw a chance. As soon as the gym door shut behind me I sprinted to the soccer field. I reveled in my thighs burning, every step I pushed myself harder. My feet touched the grass and I caught my breath. I took a drink of my now thoroughly shaken up Gatorade and looked around the empty soccer field. The freshmen had left the balls out from last practice. Lazy kids.
I left my Gatorade on the bench and marched over to the balls, forcefully spilling them from the bag and kicking them to the middle of the field. I walked to them and held my head in my hands. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Not right now. I shook my head and started putting the balls away. One right after another I launched them into the net with that satisfying swoosh.
I finished the last of them and noticed I was being watched. Bev stood at the sidelines with her hands on her hips. She walked out to me, "Are you ok?" She asked.
"Yeah, just practicing." I gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile.
She looked at me with those big brown eyes that were so dark you could hardly distinguish the iris from the pupil. I always thought that kind of eyes made it seem like the person was looking directly into your soul. "Can I ask you a question Al?" She asked, "And don't be angry."
I scowled, "Uhh sure, what's up?"
"You're gay, aren't you?"
I laughed in exasperation. The question didn't hit as hard when Bev asked it. "Yes!" I palmed my forehead, feeling two hot tears roll off my cheeks.
She smiled, watching my face, "By the way, I don't share the opinion of the majority of our fellow teammates. People don't choose who they're attracted to."
"Oh thank God," I said before I could stop myself. Bev laughed, I smiled, "What tipped you off?"
"You just always seem upset when they talk shit about Hanna, especially when Cheven does. And don't think I didn't notice you totally having chemistry with that MVP from Southridge. You haven't expressed any interest in boys since Aaron Seibert kissed it and you said it was terrible, and-"
"Ok I get it. The real question here is how do none of the other girls know?"
"That I do not know. I think people like them tend to assume everyone is straight until they either come out, or they witness said person kissing someone of the same sex."
"It's like torture listening to them tell me I'm straight and pat me on the back."
"And you can't really talk to them about it, because they're totally the kind of bitches who would flat out not pass to you if you came out."
Jeez, she's reading my mind. "God I know, and I want to play in college, so I can't risk not to be seen playing."
"Girl, I get it. I'll try to stop the witch hunt, and throw them off your scent. Hopefully nothing blows up before the scout game."
"You're the best team captain ever, did you know that?" I said.
She grinned, "I got your back girl." She looked over at the school, "Hey they're coming, let's show the freshmen how it's done."
We started goofing off and doing flashy tricks while the rest of the team approached. While Bev's support was reassuring, I still found myself profoundly uncomfortable around the rest of the team. At least one person had my back. I'd really rather it be Cheven since she's, you know, my best friend, but people listen to Bev when she talks, so if she tells them to knock it off, they will. But I still couldn't risk being close to Hanna now.
After practice, I went to the auditorium to wait for Kayla. Every time Hanna appeared on stage it made my heart race, I couldn't figure out if it was from anxiety or if it was because I was starting to like her. I clenched my jaw and whipped open my anatomy book to study for an upcoming test. I focused intently on the book, memorizing bone markings and blocking out everything else.
Soon the Director called for a break, and Hanna sauntered over to me.
"So I heard a rumor today." She said, pressing her lips together and frowning.
"I know, it got back to the team."
Hanna drew in a sharp breath. "What happened?"
I shook my head, "They don't think I'm a lesbian, but it was a little close for comfort." I clenched my jaw and looked into her beautiful green eyes, my heart beating in my chest. "If they even think I'm gay, they'll freeze me out. I'm trying to get a soccer scholarship, and I can't get one if no one sees me play."
Hanna shut her eyes, "I'm so sorry Alecia. This is all my fault." She opened her eyes, shaking her head, "You can't be seen with me anymore. I've gotten the vibe that Kendal is kind of a..."
"Horrendous bitch? Yeah. She'll destroy my game."
"I do have a question though."
I looked up at her, "Shoot."
She tilted her head, "Was I totally out of line at the dance?"
A brief laugh escaped my chest, I smiled and looked down. "No," I looked up. "You've made me feel a lot in the past week that I've never felt for anyone, ever."
"I knew you were just being coy by saying that all the gay people are still in the closet here," she smiled.
The Director called everyone back to their set.
"I gotta go, bye Alecia."
Hanna bounded back to the stage, taking a fleeting glance at me just as she got in place. I felt my shoulders relaxing as I watched her dancing on stage. I like her. My stomach flipped at the realization; I don't just like her, I'm attracted to her. Sitting there, an anatomy book in my lap, I watched her dance, dumbfounded. My highlighter fell to the floor. I didn't pick it up. I felt my mouth part open as I watched her. She smiled at one of her dancers, and it caused me to smile too, "I'm screwed," I said under my breath.
"Why are you screwed?"
I jumped, "Jesus Gabe, stop sneaking up on me!"
"I couldn't resist," He grinned and sat down beside me. "So I heard from like twelve different people today that you're a lesbian. Did you come out without telling me?"
I covered my face with my hands, "You're not going to believe what happened."
"Uh oh, what happened?"
"Hanna kissed me at the dance."
"And?"
"I literally ran away, Gabe. I bolted like a deer."
Gabe burst out laughing, "Oh my God!" He paused, "Wait, did you like it?"
I covered my face again, "Yes, but if the soccer team found out they would exile me, and I can't risk my soccer career, I don't know what to do!"
"Oh my God, Al! Go for it!!" It was like he'd only heard about Hanna kissing me.
"Apparently you missed the whole part where the soccer team is dangerously close to finding out that I.... Like Hanna." Saying it out loud felt good.
"So freaking what?! It's a twenty-first century, they'll get over it, Alecia. What's the point of life if you have to be scared all the time?" He was so hyped up it was getting me hyped, there was a light in his eyes, happiness burst through his smile.
I smiled and looked at the floor. An enormous part of me was screaming that he was right, and I wanted so badly to embrace it. But a small part of me still harbored those feelings of terror, and they crept through my chest, spreading and tightening around me like a Python. Gabriel continued to talk me up, but I was lost. I didn't know what to do.
~
Ever since homecoming, I had begun slowly weaning Cheven off our friendship. I tried to avoid her during and after practice, I canceled our morning runs, and any classes we had together I made sure to avoid all eye contact if possible. The scout game was in two weeks, and I was starting to get excited. If I can get through this, then I can finally shout it from the roof tops and not have to care about the backlash from the soccer team.
I tried to leave practice without Cheven, but she was determined to follow me and continue talking shit about Hanna. "But at least this girl doesn't play soccer, I don't think I could play with a dyke. It makes me sick to even think about it." She said, tossing a soccer ball to herself as she walked.
I felt like I was going to be sick myself. I clenched my jaw and tried to think of something to say that wouldn't completely out me. "She's just a person, Chev." I said, trying to sound more comfortable with this conversation than I was. If I told her I was gay, would she refuse to play with me?
Cheven frowned, wrinkling her normally benevolent face. "What's wrong Alecia?"
I shook my head, "Nothing Cheven, I'm fine." I smiled as much as I could.
Cheven stopped me. "We've been friends since kindergarten. I know you. Something is wrong. What is it?" Cheven touched my arm and made me look her in the eyes.
Cheven's genuine concern made me feel ill. I felt the room spinning around me and tried to calm myself. Grey patches faded out my vision. Just do it. Come out to Cheven. "Do you remember when I told you my aunt is gay?"
Her eyes filled with sympathy, "Oh, I forgot about that, that must be so hard to deal with." She said, reaching out and touching my arm again, "I can't imagine."
I tilted my head down and swallowed. So much for that. "Yeah it's so hard for me to deal with her being gay." I forgot about telling Cheven the truth. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep it all in until Cheven was gone. We walked out to our cars together, and Cheven waved goodbye with that sweet but misguided look on her face. I opened the door to my car, pressed my lips together and waved until I couldn't see her anymore.
I slammed the door, but the seatbelt blocked it from closing and the it bounced back open. I kicked the buckle in and swung the door again, this time it shut with a satisfying slam. I sat down on the asphalt beside my car and held my face in my hands. My arms were tingling from adrenaline and I swear steam was coming off my face. And finally, hot tears fell from my eyes. I couldn't stop it, so I just tried to slow it down.
"Alecia?"
I looked up, wiped away tears and tried to laugh it off. "Hey Hanna."
Hanna tilted her head to the side and looked at me. All her shiny black hair fell over one shoulder. She sat down beside me. Hanna rubbed my back without saying a word. We sat there together, looking down in mutual silence for a few minutes.
"I'm sorry."
I looked up at her, "You don't have anything to be sorry for." I sighed, "I'm trying to distance myself from Cheven but it's hard."
Hanna watched my face, reading my expression. She sat thoughtfully for a moment. "I feel like I'm missing something. Why is it so hard for you to sever ties with her? I would think her ignorance would make it easy."
I smiled faintly, "You would think so. Cheven's special to me though. We've played soccer together since first grade. She lost her leg when we were eleven, and thought she was never going to be able to run or play soccer again." I paused, feeling my eyes well up again. I swallowed and shook my head, "She pushed everyone away, but I was determined to help her get back on the field. I worked with her every day I could, never taking no for an answer."
Hanna rubbed my back, listening. "That's amazing, Alecia."
I looked at my hands, "We've been through a lot together, and to hear her talk about people like me the way she does... it's horrible. I don't really care too much what the others think, but she's like a sister to me, you know?"
Hanna nodded, "I totally get it." She grabbed a pen from her bag and took my arm. "I know we can't really talk at school, but I want you to have my number." She said as she wrote her number on my arm in her loopy graceful handwriting. "Call me any time you want to talk."
~
I couldn't help but feel isolated in the days to pass. I didn't talk to anyone on the team really. I tried my best to keep my head down at school, my interactions with Hanna anymore were limited to sharing looks and smiles. She was doing her best to help with damage control, Hanna even stopped talking to me at Hairspray rehearsal. I hid in the back while I waited for Kayla, not even talking to Gabe anymore.
At home after rehearsal one day, I stared at the piece of paper I had scrawled Hanna's number on. My heart fluttered as I thought about calling her. She was the only person I wanted to talk to. Just because we couldn't be seen together didn't mean we couldn't see each other at all, right? I wonder if she wanted to see me. I'd had a taste, just one, of a real kiss from someone I could love. Should I let it pass, and just trust that there's love for me in the future? I picked up my phone and dialed her number. My hands fidgeted as the first few rings went unanswered. "Hello?" Hanna's voice filtered through the phone.
I smiled.