"No, Asia. We're only buying things that are on the list," Phoebe said, snatching the mochi ice-cream from Asia's hands. "Cereals, breads, eggs, lunch meats, and fruits. If you want all the extra stuff then you have to use your own money to do it."
Asia's eyebrows drew together pleadingly. "It's just one box!" she cried. "Come on, Phoebe! You need to learn how to treat yourself every now and then."
"We don't have enough to last us all summer if we blow it all on treating ourselves," Phoebe said with a laugh. "But if you want to treat us, feel free."
"Pshh, as if!" Asia scoffed.
Phoebe groaned. "That's what I thought," she muttered. "So I'm going to go and return this and I'll pick up bread on the way back too. Can you guys start getting the fruits? Jack told me that the consensus was lots of oranges, lots of bananas, a handful of mangoes, and a stingy amount of grapes."
I nodded, giving Phoebe a fake salute. "Yes ma'am," I replied.
She rolled her eyes but still smiled at me before leaving to make her way to the ice-cream section.
"Hey, can you two actually do the fruits?" Marissa asked me and Asia. "I want to go and see if they have any fancy Hawaiian cereals. I'll be back though."
"Ooh, can you also check and see if they have any Reese's Puffs while you're at it?" Asia asked. "Those are my favorite."
Marissa nodded, giving Asia a thumbs up. "I'll keep you posted."
She headed off to the cereal section of the shop, leaving just Asia and myself to do the fruits. I held the cart as Asia walked beside me, a bounce in her step that hadn't been there this morning.
"Hey, Asia, I want to ask you something," I said.
She looked over at me with a cautious expression, the seemingly ever-present crease etched into her brow. "If this is about Marissa again, Keira, I swear I'll–"
"It isn't." I held my hands up in surrender, not wanting to hear how she was planning on ending that sentence. I was fairly sure Asia would never actually do anything violent though since she could barely kill a spider (I'd seen her pick one up with her bare hands and literally carry it outside so that people wouldn't step on it), but she was a Gemini, and one could really never be too sure around a Gemini.
Asia narrowed her eyes slightly, watching for any signs of a lie in my face, before she finally relaxed and her shoulders un-tensed. "Okay," she said. "What's up?"
"I'm just curious," I began. "Why didn't you want to switch with me? And live with Ash, I mean."
She frowned. "I told you, Keira, I didn't want to live next to Jaime."
"Okay, yes, you did tell me that, but come on, Asia. You and I both know that's some bullshit."
Asia looked at me from the corner of her eye and I could see a small smirk playing at her lips. "Was I really that obvious?" she asked.
I rolled my eyes and she had her answer.
"You weren't obvious per se," I told her. "I just know you well enough to know that something as trivial as him having sex wouldn't be enough to mess you up that much. You already know Jaime gets girls and it's never seemed to tear you up before."
She laughed, nodding her head at me. "Okay, that's a fair point."
"So what was the real reason?"
"Isn't it obvious?" she asked. "I wanted you to stay roommates with Ash."
I stopped pushing the cart and turned to glare full on at Asia. She wanted me to what? Why would she care about something like that? Something that didn't even affect her – that she could see was tearing me up to deal with!
Asia seemed amused by my reaction. Walking over to where the tangerines were, she picked up a bag of them and pretended to inspect it, but the smile on her face gave away the fact that she was really just enjoying my dumbfoundedness.
"Do you think they'll mind if we get tangerines instead of oranges?" she asked.
Was she really just going to ignore the fact that she'd dropped a ten-ton bombshell on me?
"Asia!"
She looked up. "Yes?"
"Wha – Are you not going to explain in any more detail what you just told me?" I demanded.
Asia took a deep breath and her toothy grin disappeared from her face as she walked back over to me with three bags of tangerines in her arms. She dropped them into the cart and leaned forward, crossing her arms and resting them both on the cart's railing as she looked into my eyes with the most jaded expression I'd ever seen on her face.
"Keira," she said. "You and I may not be that close, but I know you well enough to know that you have it bad for that boy. I'm really not sure why, since he's kind of an ass, but I do know that this is a once in a lifetime chance for you to figure it all out and move forward with your life – with or without him. Once we leave Hawaii, you're not going to get another chance to be alone with him like this, and you know that. The universe literally dropped this opportunity into your lap and you want to switch? Nah."
I opened my mouth to speak, but everything I wanted to say got stuck in my throat before it could come out.
She was right. She was right on every single level, but still, accepting it was so hard. Accepting the fact that I wasn't in the dark anymore – that my feelings for Ash weren't private. It seems the whole world knew about them and had known the entire time he and Riley had been in a relationship. The whole world, including Ash.
"It's not your life or your decision to make," I finally replied.
"I agree," Asia said. "And I wasn't trying to stop you from doing what you wanted to, I just refused to personally endorse what I considered a terrible mistake. And that was my life and my decision."
I sighed. "He's dating my best friend, Asia. Why would you want me to put myself in a situation like that? It can only end badly."
Asia made a face. "Who, Riley?" she asked.
"Yes, Riley," I snapped.
With a shrug and an eye roll, Asia turned around and walked over to the banana section, raising her voice the farther she got from me and not seeming to care who heard her. "I don't care about Riley," she said, picking up a bunch of bananas. "She's not my friend."
My eyes grew wide as I followed Asia with the cart, hoping to quiet her up if I was closer to her. "You and Riley are friends!" I hissed.
Asia gave me a flat look. "I'm not stupid, Keira. I know she doesn't actually like me. She's good at pretending to like most people, but I've always been able to see right through it." She tossed the bananas into the cart. "No matter though, since I'm not particularly fond of her either."
Damn. So this whole time, Asia knew? I'd thought I was the only one who could tell when Riley was being genuine. She really didn't like anyone other than Ash and myself, but I thought that she had had them all fooled. I guess not.
"Whatever may end up coming of your relationship with Ash, the way I see it, you had claims on him first," Asia said. "You've been obsessed for a while, and that didn't stop Riley from dating him."
I lowered my head. "It's more complicated than that," I said quietly.
I heard Asia sigh and walk over to the cart, dropping three more bunches of bananas in. Her voice was now low and comforting, and as she spoke, I felt a piercing nostalgia run through me. I hadn't been talked to like this – with such care – in years. It almost made me forget where I was.
"Keira, it's already clear to me that there's more going on in your relationship with Riley than meets the eye," Asia said. "I know that Riley genuinely cares about you – which makes this whole Ash situation all the more strange – but at a certain point, you have to figure out who your number one is. When it comes to relationships, especially with the people you love, some things just shouldn't be this complicated. A situation like this with a best friend should not be a complicated one, yet here we are."
"No." I shook my head. "You don't get it. It's not that..." I trailed off, sighing. "Look, Asia, you don't have to tell me that Riley cares about me, I already know that. And I love her too, which is why this isn't that simple."
"I never said it was, Keira. But simple or not, who is Riley's number one?" Asia asked me. "Ask yourself that. Who's her number one?"
That wasn't a hard question to answer – Riley's number one was obviously herself, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Love yourself so that you can love the people around you, right? Also, Riley had to be her own number one. She didn't have a choice.
Growing up, Riley never got to experience the love of a mother like I did. Even though my mother was gone now, I still had fifteen years of memories to keep with me. I had other people who I knew loved me as their number one's. Riley only had her father, and she knew that she wasn't even his number one. And even though mother was alive and well and she saw her every day, Riley didn't have those comforting memories that she could hold onto when things got hard.
Asia didn't know anything about Riley or her life, and so hearing her talk about Riley like this rubbed me the wrong way. What did she think asking me this was going to achieve?
"And who's your number one, Keira?" Asia continued. "It's not yourself, is it?"
My number one used to be myself, but I haven't had that luxury ever since the accident. My number one was now Mickey, because I knew from the bottom of my heart that I was his number one too. I had to take care of him because he was all I had left – the only thing keeping my feet on the ground.
"Asia, you don't understand even a little bit of what you're talking about! You don't know Riley or me like that, and you can't just use the little you know to form opinions that you're ready to force on other people."
Asia clenched her jaw and took a breath, seemingly holding back what she wanted to say. My words didn't seem to waver her at all though.
Finally, she spoke. "You're right, Keira. I don't know a lot about the situation, but I do know a lot about people, and I can tell you that everyone has been through shit. Some people more than others, but every single person has some hard shit that they're dealing with and none of it is ever an excuse to mistreat people that didn't hurt you. Especially if they're people you claim to love."
And she was right. Which was exactly why I had to watch myself with Ash, because I loved Riley, and I loved Mickey even more. The Parks gave Mickey the family that he didn't have anymore, and even though I wanted to believe their love for Mickey could withstand anything that might happen within mine and Riley's friendship, I couldn't be sure.
That was why I couldn't mistreat Riley and disrespect her by trying to 'figure things out' with the person she was dating. Doing that would inadvertently be hurting Mickey, and he was my number one – not myself.
And so as long as Riley and Ash were together, I wouldn't put myself in risky situations with him. We were roommates, and we didn't have to figure out anything more.
~
As soon as the four of us stepped back into the doors of the house, we were bombarded by bodies grabbing at the bags of groceries that we held. In the end, we had decided to splurge a little, but only on items we could use to bake, that way they would last longer. We all knew that if we bought ice-cream, someone would inevitably take the whole bucket to their room and watch TV on their computer while they hoarded it all.
It was me. That person was me.
"Yes! You got Reese's Puffs!" Tonya held up the box with a triumphant expression. "I am going to destroy these!"
"Hey! I get those first!" Asia yelled angrily, chasing after Tonya who hugged the box to her chest as she ran to the kitchen with a smug smile.
"Did you guys get any frozen waffles or anything like that?" Mackenzie asked, looking through the boxes more carefully than the others had.
I shook my head. "Sorry, it wasn't on the list," I said. "We bought some flour and sugar and whatever else you might need to make some though?"
Mackenzie looked up at me flatly. "The whole point of frozen waffles is that they're instant and I don't have to spend an hour making them."
"Then maybe come with us next time so you can pick out some of the things you actually want," Marissa muttered, making Phoebe purse her lips and back away slowly. She didn't want to have any part in the conflict – always the right idea.
Unsurprisingly though, Mackenzie didn't have any interest in engaging in conflict with Marissa either. She kept sifting through the bags, completely ignoring what Marissa had said. She was the epitome of unbothered, and it was what I aspired to be, but could never manage to pull off because trouble seemed to love congregating wherever I went.
Pulling out a mango, banana, and packet of grapes, Mackenzie stood up, towering over me at her height of six feet. She and Riley (who was only one inch shorter than Mackenzie) were definitely of the same breed. They both had the same long legs and runway-esque figure that never failed to make me feel inferior.
"I'm gonna make a fruit salad," Mackenzie said with a smile, to nobody in particular, before turning and heading over to the kitchen. "Oh, and I hope you bought more grapes," she called over her shoulder. "Because I'm finishing these."
I rolled my eyes but could help from smiling as I watched Mackenzie walk away. Even though I still technically had to hate her for what happened with Riley, I knew that I was secretly starting to like her a lot. Something about the blasé manner with which she undertook almost everything that came her way inspired me. I wished that I knew her better so I could get a real sense of what exactly had made her that way. People seemed to find that type of personality very dislikeable, but after being best friends with Riley (who was a somewhat more intense version of that), I had grown to appreciate the indifference.
Marissa and I headed over to the kitchen with the rest of the bags and I laughed as everyone scrambled around trying to make themselves food before they passed out.
What was left of the cold pizza had already been eaten and the boxes were just lying on the floor beside the trash. We were going to have to have a talk about that later, I was sure.
It didn't take me long to notice that I hadn't spotted Ash around anywhere. Was he really planning on coming along on this trip and not interacting with anyone on it?
I went to the room to check on him and let him know that there was now food in the house, but when I got there, I found it empty. That meant that he had gone off again to God-knows-where. Just like yesterday. How did he know his way around so well to be going out on all these mini-excursions already? It didn't make any sense.
Deciding that now was not the time to dwell on him since I knew he was grown enough to be able to handle himself on Hawaii's beaches, I changed out of my clothes and grabbed my sunglasses and a towel, heading back out in my swimsuit. I went outside to the beach where Phoebe and Jack were already sitting eating breakfast – or I guess brunch now – on the porch.
I watched as Jack fed Phoebe a bite of his Cheerios and the milk spilled from the side of her mouth. He reached over and wiped it up with his thumb, which she then proceeded to take into her mouth and suck the milk off of. My heartbeat began to race as I imagined me and Ash doing the same thing. As happy and carefree as the day I was born.
Smiles broke out onto both of their faces as Phoebe held Jack's hand in hers, turning it over and kissing his knuckles before releasing the hand back to him. As I watched them, I wondered how it must've felt to be so in love with someone and know that they love you back.
What a concept.
I walked out to the sand, setting down my towel and sunglasses. From where I was on the beach, I could still hear the low hum of their voices and the sound of Phoebe's laughter that was usually such a joyous and contagious sound, but right then, just reminded me of how alone I was. Or how alone I liked to think I was, at least.
I drudged through the sand until I reached the shoreline, standing still as the waves splashed over my feet. I smiled at the sight. There was a group of baby crabs crawling from the beach to the ocean, and when the next wave came, it cradled them in its arms and whisked them off to sea.
"Hey, you okay out here?"
I turned around and saw Brian walking over to me in swim trunks and a grey wifebeater that showed off the surprising amount of dad bod he had underneath. I smiled at him. "Hey, yeah, I'm good. I was just watching the waves...they're so clear. Like pool water."
"I don't know what pools you've been spending time in but you're gonna need to start hitting me up, Keira. The pool in the compound I live in has dirty green water. I think it's a safety hazard."
I laughed. "Ask Jack if you can borrow his family's lawyer, I'm sure they'd help you sue."
Brian chuckled. "One step ahead of you, Keira. You aren't coming to the hearing?"
I paused, almost believing him for a second, but then I saw the gleam in his eye and broke out into laughter. "Wow, that was a good one," I said, pushing Brian's arm lightly as he laughed alongside me.
"I'm so happy that you get my sense of humor," he told me. "You wouldn't believe how many of my jokes flop with the general human population."
I grinned. "It's a blessing to find someone you can laugh with," I said. "We should definitely hang out more this summer."
"I second that motion and can even do you one better."
"Oh?"
"Yep." Brian nodded, wiggling his eyebrows. "I propose that we hang out this very night."
"Tonight?" I looked up at him but had to squint because of the sun that was shining right behind his head in the cloudless sky.
"Yeah, Tonya knows some people here around our age, and they told her about this party that's happening not too far from here tonight. A bunch of us are gonna go and I thought you might want to come."
A party actually did sound like a lot of fun. Just what I needed to kick off this summer.
"And Mackenzie already got the alcohol covered since she has a fake and, let's face it, she could pass for twenty-five."
"That's very true," I agreed. "While some of us are still out here looking fourteen."
"Don't worry, you'll love it in ten years."
Brian and I stayed out on the beach for about twenty more minutes until Mackenzie gathered those of us who were going out to figure out money for the alcohol. It turned out in the end to be just me, Brian, Asia, Jaime, Tonya, and Mackenzie who wanted to go. Jack and Phoebe said they'd rather stay in and have a night without everyone being loud and annoying, and Marissa said that she wasn't sure there'd be anyone who swung her way at the party anyway. Anyone with any kind of intuition could guess that it was really because she didn't want to have to watch Asia pine over Jaime or dance and flirt any other men for that matter, all night long.
And Ash, of course, wasn't coming along because nobody could figure out where the hell he was.
We all ended up having to put in five dollars so that Mackenzie could get a good handle of rum and some fruit punch to use as a chaser. And knowing what lightweights half these people were (including myself), I knew there was no way it'd all get finished tonight so I thought it was a good deal.
Tonya and Mackenzie headed out to the liquor store and everyone else dispersed out around the house. The rest of the day consisted of me going back and forth between the beach, my room, and the living room. There was always at least one person in each of those spots, which was comforting, and then when I wanted to be alone, I could go and lie down on my bed.
I never stayed in there for too long though, because I always found myself staring at Ash's bed and wondering where he could have been and if he was okay.
By the time the night rolled around, I was more than ready to get drunk and let loose. Phoebe and Jack were hanging out in Asia's room (where she made them promise not to have sex since they shared a bed), and so Asia had come to my room to get ready. Ash still wasn't back so I figured I could let whoever I wanted in.
I ended up wearing one of Asia's dresses since I didn't bring any that she thought were suitable enough for me to, and I quote, "let my inner hoe out" in. I was worried about it not fitting me since Asia and I had very different bodies. She was an inch or two shorter than me, quite a bit skinnier, and lot more muscular than I was. How she managed to be both skinny and muscular at the same time I wasn't sure, but she pulled it off like a fucking GQ model.
By the time we were both dressed up, I could hear people in the living room already starting to drink, and I knew that I needed to get drunk soon because I was no fun at a party sober. Asia left to go put her shoes on, and I sat down on my bed, pulling on my sneakers.
What a look: a black, bodycon, mini dress with knockoff Nike sneakers to match. I had just never been one for heels. I was too flatfooted and too weak-willed to ever make it through a night with them.
The bedroom door opened and I expected to see Asia coming back in to drag me over to the pregame, but instead, when I stood up and turned around, I saw Ash, standing in the doorway with his wide eyes glued to me.
The first thing I noticed was his swollen lower lip. There was a large cut going down its length, and it wasn't an 'I tripped and fell' type of cut, it was a 'someone punched me in the fucking face' type of cut. And to match it oh-so-beautifully, he had another bruise forming right underneath his left eye.
What had this boy been doing?
"Ash...what are you–"
"Where are you going?" he asked, interrupting me mid-sentence. His voice sounded raspy, unlike its usual smooth and silky self. Like he had been using it for too long and it needed a rest. His eyes made their way up from my body to my face, meeting my gaze with a burning look. And even though I had told myself there was nothing to figure out, I still wanted to ask him about the look he had in his eyes.
There were bigger issues at hand though.
"No, you don't get to ask me any questions until you answer me," I said, walking over to him. "Where the hell were you? What happened to your face?"
I stopped when I was standing right before him, close enough to see the stubble that ran along his sharp jaw. Close enough to see all the different shades of purple and red that were fighting for dominance underneath his injured eye. Even the lid wasn't opening correctly.
He rolled his eyes, but only one of them rolled and the sight made me wince. "I think it's pretty obvious what happened to my face," he muttered.
I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. "Are we seriously doing this?"
He raised an eyebrow back at me without saying anything in response. His eyes wandered back down to my body and I saw desire seep its way into them before he seemed to have an internal debate with himself and then snap his eyes back up to my face. He had frustration, anger, confusion, and a little bit of lust all etched into the lines on his forehead and I saw his hands ball up into clenched fists.
God, his knuckles were bloody too.
"Ash..."
"Fuck this," he muttered. "I have to go." He pushed past me and grabbed the jacket that sat on top of the messy sheets on his bed.
"What? Where are you going?" I asked, not wanting him to leave again without knowing what was happening. I was already scared enough.
"Out," was all he said, pushing past me again without stopping to lay his eyes on me.
I followed him out into the hall. "Out where?" I demanded, anger seeping into my voice. He couldn't just come to the house all bloodied and bruised with no explanation and expect me to nod and wave him on! That wasn't fair to anyone! If he was in danger, we needed to know. "Ash, where are you going!"
"To smoke!"
He yelled the words and turned around, the irritation on his face softening immediately once he saw my wide-eyes and recoiled body language. He'd never raised his voice at me like that before and it was scarier than I wanted to admit. And paired with his bruised up body and unexplained disappearances, I didn't know what to think.
Ash dropped his eyes to the jacket he held in his hands. "I'm going out to smoke, okay?" His voice was gentle now, almost a plea – a plea for me to just let him leave and do what he needed to do before he broke down. Or before he blew up. I couldn't tell which.
I looked at him with a hooded expression. "I thought you didn't smoke," I pointed out.
He clenched his jaw, squeezing the jacket he held tightly enough to crack open the healing wounds on his knuckles. And he didn't look up at me as he said, "I don't."