A/N- Merry Christmas!! Hey sorry for the wait on this chapter. I was consumed by my own hell I like to call "finals week" and didn't get out of school until yesterday ;-( but luckily, I am back and destroying all of your feels! This is more of a filler chapter, but will definitely lead up for the next chapter (Which I'm hoping to post sometime this week or next week so stay tuned!) which I know will cause tears for everyone. Also, this chapter is dedicated to mychemicalarmin, who is an amazing writer and I hope that she feels better soon! <3 But without further waiting, here is chapter 21! Happy Reading and Happy Holiday's-Zenovia
Armin's POV
Chapter 21
It's been about a month since I exploded, and my envy hasn't gone away in the slightest.
It's almost the end of May which means that I'm drowning in all the finals that I have. Luckily, this gives me an excuse of telling Eren that I can't hang out with him. He's been texting me every single day, making sure that everything's still okay. I don't know if Mikasa talked to him or something, but he just won't stop asking me if we can hang out. Now normally, I would say yes to his invitation, but I just know that Levi would be right next to Eren if we would hang out. I really can't handle seeing them together after my little meltdown, so I've been distancing myself from the brunette like never before.
"It's for the better," I tell myself. But the longer I push myself away, I can slowly feel myself losing my self control against the demons that reside in my bathroom drawer.
I've completely just given up on things going back to normal between him and me. The probability is just against me in this situation, and I finally have realized that. Even if things were to go back to our ordinary relationship, it'd never be the same, we'd both have battle scars that we're afraid of showing.
Although, there's an upside to all of this. Instead of being locked away in the dark and cold, it has been amazingly warm these last few days, and so I've been skateboarding again. I've missed being able to just block out everything and feel the wind rush past me with my blue headphones in my ears. It's a tranquil feeling. Nobody, not even Levi, can take this feeling away from me.
I understand that as I skateboard, I'm just looking for a way to flee from all of the things bubbling inside of me, but I've already exploded. It's not like I'll do it again anytime soon. I'm normally levelheaded and calm, but last month just set me up for an explosion, nothing could get worse than what happened that night.
I've been keeping to myself. Finish homework, study for finals, get through another day. The cycle continues until this semester ends. I'm not exactly sure what I'm gonna do after the school year is over. More than likely, I'll go back to New York with my grandfather, and work at the small little bookstore downtown, but before all of this happens, I really want to try and fix things with Eren.
I know that my feelings for him will never be returned, and that I was just pining over somebody that I couldn't have, but I miss my best friend. Even before I developed romantic feelings for him, I loved being happy with him. I loved laughing with him, and just spending time with him. I miss him.
God I miss him so much...
I'm still writing in my journal too. I've filled up so many pages that I'm worried I'm going to run out, but I have more journal's to spare. To be completely honest, I've just been bored. Sure writing is great, and going on my skateboard is wonderful, but it get's old after a while. I'm ready to break out of my little dorm room right now, and just go on an adventure, but my studying pulls me right back inside my little bubble.
After a few more hours of studying, I grow tiresome and quickly check my phone, in the midst of stuffing useless information inside my head, I didn't hear my ringtone when I got a text from Mikasa.
From Mikasa: Hey, I know that you're probably studying or moping around your room, but the squad is going to go out to the Karaoke place tonight, and getting some pizza. You should really come...We all miss you...I understand if you don't want to, or can't come, but just text me back if you need a ride...<3
I read her text and smile at the little heart at the end of the message. I feel guilty whenever she looks at me with saddened eyes. I hate making her feel like she needs to be worried about me every single day, but I feel as if I told her to stop, she would only worry more.
I sigh and type back a quick reply telling her that whenever she's ready, she can come and pick me up. How bad can it really be? So what if Levi and Eren are there. I don't need him to have a good time with all my other friends, I'll just ignore them if they're there. I close my books and stuff them into my backpack before getting into some casual clothing.
Just as I'm putting on my converse, I hear a small drumming on my door. I open it, and I'm encased in warmth and black hair. Her red scarf touches my cheek and it sweetly smells like her shampoo.
"I've missed you..." Mikasa whispers in my ear.
I hug her tighter, and smile sympathetically. "I'm sorry I kinda went offline for a while, but I've been doing okay." I smile through my lie. Although I can tell that Mikasa doesn't buy it as she pulls away and stares into my eyes. I can see the worry and sadness swirling in her grey eyes, but she doesn't push for me to tell the truth. Instead, she nods and walks me out of my room with her arm around my shoulder and my arm around her waist.
"Come on, let's go sing our demons away..."
She glances at me and gives a small smile. Through all of the hard times, Mikasa has been the one person who I could fully trust, she's like the big sister that I always wanted, but never had. She would probably break somebody's arm for me. I chuckle silently at the thought of her walking behind Levi and breaking his arm. I know that it's a crude thought, but it puts a small smile onto my face.
We walk, holding onto each other for comfort. The silence surrounding us isn't awkward, it's almost calming. We can read each other's emotions, without actually saying anything.
We soon reach the Karaoke place. A little bell dings on the door as we step into the colorful building, most of our friends are already sitting in the karaoke lounge, with two large pizza's at the table.
"Took you guys long enough! The pizza's getting cold." Sasha waves over at us.
There's no sight of Eren or Levi on the couch. Maybe tonight will actually be fun. I smile happily and sit next to Sasha and Marco who start telling talking about their finals and just anything new going on in their lives.
Laughs and smiles show through the room every few seconds. The benevolent atmosphere was flowing around me, and I actually let it in. I felt happiness bubble inside me as I laughed and smiled with my friends. We sang and ate pizza until late in the night, and not once, did I think of Eren and Levi. I couldn't care less what they were doing right now. The only thing on my mind was eating and laughing more. It was almost euphoric, the way I laughed and smiled. I swear I thought I was high for a little bit I felt so happy.
That was until the little bell rang when the door opened. And lo and behold, the raven haired boy, and Mr. Emerald Eyes walked through the damned door. All heads turned in their direction. Laughs stopped and I shivered, feeling a slight chill run down my back.
"Hey guys, sorry we're late. I had to finish my finals tonight." Eren steps into the lounge and sits on the little loveseat with Levi.
I take a deep breath and gather up every ounce of a smile I could bring. "Hey guys! Did finals go alright for you?"
I could see from my peripheral vision, that some of my friends were a little shocked that I started the conversation, but to be honest, I'm tired. I don't want to be depressed anymore, and if Levi is Eren's boyfriend, then I have to deal with that. I can't keep moping around my dorm room anymore. I have to rip the band-aid off, and it starts tonight. I don't have to like Levi, I still hate his guts, but I need to get over the fact that Eren likes him, and not me.
Even Eren has a little bit of a surprised expression displayed on his face.
"Y-Yeah, I think finals went really well actually." He smiles and I give him a grin back.
It's a start. Just smile and breathe...
The shock of everything soon disappears, and we all go back to talking and eating. I try my best to continue a conversation with Eren, but Levi keeps interrupting me by grabbing his hand, or even kissing him in the middle of saying something. I bite the inside of my cheek as envy seeps into my bloodstream. This is exactly why I hate Levi. If he was a nice guy, maybe I'd be okay with him dating Eren, but he's such an asshole. He knows that I'm trying my best not to rip his guts out right now. He's almost baiting me, just waiting for me to crack in front of Eren. However, I'm not going down that easily.
After a few more minutes see Levi and Eren suck each other's faces off, a small microphone is passed in my direction.
Jean smiles, "Your turn. Blow us away, Arlert."
I chuckle a little and stand up to walk on the small stage. However, I hear a snicker from Levi behind my shoulder.
"You gonna sing a slow love song, Blondie?"
I freeze in my place and clench my fists. I can hear my own heartbeat in my head at the anger swelling up inside me like a balloon, but I keep a cool head.
"No, I have no intention of singing a sappy love song because there's no reason to." I walk onto the stage, and before I pick a song, I look Levi square in the eyes. "And here's some advice for you. Never, and I mean never...call me Blondie, that name should only stay with one person..." I quickly glance at Eren and he laughs and smiles at me. I feel my little amount of courage expand in my chest with his smile. "Sasha, play track C3." I smirk at Levi. The track starts and I breathe.
I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
"The Killer's" Mr. Brightside pounds over the speaker, and I feel absolutely amazing. Truth resonates with me as I sing through the song, and I don't take my eyes off of Levi and Eren for a second. I've been wanting to tell Eren this since he started dating Levi.
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss
Of course, everything started with a fucking kiss. A kiss that lead me to believe that Eren might actually love me back, and then his same lips crushed my heart as he kissed Levi. Everything that went wrong, seems almost right as I sing the lyrics. Although, I can tell that Eren just doesn't see the full meaning behind the words because he's just sitting there, smiling. He's fucking smiling.
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside
The drums stop, and silence hits the room like a tidal wave. Everyone besides Eren knows the meaning behind the song, hell, even Levi looks a little taken aback. The courage in my chest suddenly deflates, and I sink back to the couch and hand somebody else the mic. I don't know if that was just plain stupidity or bravery because I can feel Levi stabbing me with his eyes. He knows. God he knows that I'm crossing a line, but I'm ready to fight for my right to at least be friends with Eren, and if he has a problem with that, then he's in the fight for his life. I can't keep backing down at every obstacle I face anymore, I need to prove that my depression, my fear of loneliness, or hell even my fear of Levi, won't stop me. I can't back down now, I've come too far.
I turn to Levi, "Was that sappy enough for you?"
His glare becomes even more vicious, but I just chuckle and take a bite of pizza as the next few people go on and sing a few renditions of popular songs. All the while, Eren sits by Mikasa and from the looks of it, it looks like they're having a pretty fired up conversation. Arms are flinging around and I can just feel Eren rolling his eyes from here.
Then all at once, they both turn their heads and look directly at me. I scramble and quickly take a sip of my drink to make it look like I wasn't eavesdropping. I glance over once I feel their eyes leave me. I hear Eren sigh and stand up. He takes a few steps and then stops right in front of my feet. He holds out his hand for me to take. I glance upwards and look at him in confusion.
"Come on, let's go for a walk."
I nod and brush a stray hair behind my ear, before grabbing onto Eren's hand, and walking outside with him.
I can tell the atmosphere is tense, I know that he wants to say something, he just can't get the words out.
"So..uhh nice night out..." I try and start the conversation.
I hear Eren chuckle, "Yeah, the uh, the Big and Little Dipper are shining pretty bright tonight." He looks up at the sky and I follow his lead. He's right, the stars that make up the constellation are shimmering amazingly compared to the other stars in the sky.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" I glance at Eren, and melt a little as the stars reflect back in his eyes. He still had me captivated. After all the hurt and pain that I've gone through, I'm still hooked.
Eren laughs nervously, "Y-Yeah, about that. Mikasa's just been worried about you and everything, and she kinda talked to me about some certain things...and I just..." He sighs in exasperation. "I don't really know how to ask this without it being awkward."
I shrug my shoulders, "The longer you wait, the more awkward it's gonna be." I chuckle a little and glance at him.
He nods and smiles at me, "Good point, okay, I'm just gonna go for it." He looks at me directly into and takes a deep breath.
"Armin, do you have a crush on me?"
ABORT! ABORT MISSION!
Little mini me's are currently running frantically around in my mind trying to find something to say to Eren, as he stands there waiting for me to answer. Why?! Why of all times would he ask me something like this? It's as if he just shot me through the head with a gun, I'm so unresponsive right now. My eyes blink, and my palms get sweaty.
"Cause Mikasa was just explaining how you've been, and how much that you've missed me and everything. To be honest, the way she explained everything just sounded like you had a crush on me...so I just want to make sure that I'm wrong with my judgement here, cause I would hate to be hurting you like this with Levi and me..."
And there's the killing blow. Just shove a sword through my heart right now. God, it's as if he can read my mind right now. What kind of hell have I descended into?! The calm and collective Armin has lit himself on fire at this point. Everything that could have gone wrong with this little "walk" have, and I have absolutely no clue how to get myself out of this situation.
"Play it cool, you've got this Armin...just, don't freak out."
I chuckle a little and play with the hem of my shirt nervously. "N-No...I don't have a crush on you. I've just missed you guys. I've been kinda going through a hard time right now, and I didn't know how to convey my emotions, so I've just been a little lonely."
I'm not entirely lying. The second half of my statement is one hundred percent true. The first half however, well that's a half truth. I don't have a crush on him. The word 'crush' is a miniscule measurement how much I care about Eren. It's not a crush by any means. It's full on love. A crush could never compare to how I still feel about Eren.
"Really, you're not lying to me. Right?" He looks at me seriously with his shimmering Emerald eyes.
I gulp and nod my head. I hate lying, but I'm not ready to tell him the full fledged truth yet. I don't know if I will ever be ready.
A small smile comes onto his face. "Okay, well to be completely honest, I've missed you a lot. You haven't been talking to me much these last few months, and I do take a lot of the responsibility since I had practices and basketball meets, but I thought that after the season was over, we'd go back to hanging out...I just...I miss my best friend." He looks down at the ground and then quickly glances up at me.
My heart thunders in my chest. He missed me...god I've been waiting for him to say that for months...I don't know what compels my body to walk up to him and hug him tightly, but all I can say, is that it feels right. Just being in his arms and being swallowed up in his warmth, it all feels so right.
"I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls. I was just, scared." I mumble into his chest.
"Scared? Why would you be scared?"
"I was afraid that you wanted to hang out with Levi more than me...or just anybody on your team. I didn't want to get left behind, but I guess in the process, I made myself get forgotten."
I can feel Eren squeeze his arms tighter around my smaller form, "God Armin, I would never forget you...I'm so sorry that I didn't see how you felt. I promise that I won't leave you like that ever again." He brushes his hand through my hair and I calm down. The fires inside my head get put out, and my blood pressure decreases to a healthy level. Eren then glances down at me through the hug, "Hey, isn't your birthday next week?"
I smile and nod. I didn't think that he would remember when my birthday, sometimes I even forgot when it was my own birthday.
"Well next week it's just gonna be you and me. I treat you to whatever you want. I owe it to you for all the missing time."
He pulls me close to him again, and I feel my heart pound. I didn't imagine that my night would go like this. So as I stand here, in the Karaoke parking lot, with no Levi to ruin the moment, I feel happiness set in.