Author's note: I'm so sorry it's taken AGES to update this story! I've been so busy with school stuff and exams etc, as well as extra commitments. I'm writing slower than I used to, but bear with me - I'm not giving up on this story!
Saturday arrives. As Pete and I start to get ready for the party I'm filled with a mixture of excitement and nerves (mostly nerves). I've never been to a party before. I've never been invited to a party before. I've always been too weird and dorky. But now I have friends who are willing to invite a weird dork like me to their house! My life has been one big rainstorm, but now the sun is out.
Pete's in the bathroom, probably putting makeup on or spraying his hair. I'm sitting on the floor in his room, and his song book is sitting next to me. Although it pains me, I'm feeling nosey. I'm filled with guilt as I find myself opening the song book and going through the brilliant songs once again. I stop on a page that says "DEAD ON ARRIVAL" in scrawled letters at the top, with a heart next to it. Why the heart? I quickly read the lyrics:
I hope this is the last time
Cause I'd never say no to you
This conversation's been dead on arrival
And there's no way to talk to you
This conversation's been dead on
A rivalry goes so deep between me
And this loss of sleep over you
This is side one
Flip me over
I know I'm not your favourite record
The songs you grow to like never stick at first
So I'm writing a chorus
And here is your verse
And I find myself thinking with immense joy that he's writing about me.
I'd never say no to you...Does he feel that way about me?
And there's no way to talk to you...Does he find it hard to talk to me? Does he get nervous like I do?
And this loss of sleep over you...Does he think about me as much I think about him?
I know I'm not your favourite record...Does he think I don't like him because he's too "dangerous"?
The songs you grow to like never stick at first...Could he be saying that he thinks I'll grow to like him?
Can't he see that I already do?!
"You ready?"
I immediately slide the song book along the floor in an attempt to hide the fact that I was snooping around in it. Pete's standing in the doorway, and oh my goodness he looks good. His hair and makeup are even more perfect than normal - I don't know why. He's wearing a grey shirt with three-quarter length sleeves, and a loosely worn black tie. He's also wearing black skinny jeans and on his feet are black sneakers. Did he steal all the good looking genes when he was little and forget to give me any?!
I look down at myself. I'm wearing a black and turquoise stripy polo shirt, dark grey jeans, sneakers and a cap. I look like such a dork. Why can't I be good looking like Pete? He could probably wear what I'm wearing right now and still pull it off. He could probably pull anything off...
"Yeah, I'm ready," I say, giving him a smile to cover up the guilty feeling from looking in his song book.
"Cool," grins Pete. "Shall we?"
I imagine him holding out his arm as if he's offering to link arms with me, but in reality he keeps his arms at his sides.
"We shall," I say.
"Uh, you look great," Pete says, gesturing to my outfit with a quick smile.
I frown. Is he joking?
"Uh," I murmur. "I...I d-do?"
"Yeah," grins Pete, blushing slightly. "I like your shirt."
HE LIKES MY SHIRT?!
Act cool, Patrick. For once in your life, act cool.
"Oh, this old thing?" I say, attempting a laugh. "I've had this for ages."
"Well, it's cool."
We exchange a smile. "Thanks. Uh, you look great too. Very...smart."
Well, that wasn't cool. Come on, Patrick, you can do better than that! Actually, I'm not sure I can; I've had no practise with this stuff.
But Pete just smiles and thanks me, and I follow him to the apartment block car park, where the car from Toro's appears to be missing.
"Where's Toro's car?" I ask.
"I took it back," Pete says. "Joe and Andy said I should keep it, but I'm trying to be less reckless."
Before I can ask why, he says, "I may or may not be trying to impress someone, and recklessness isn't helping."
Is it me? I'm dying to ask. Is it me? Is it me? Is it me?
But I stay silent and nod.
After a very uncomfortable ride with Andrew (he's being very talkative and laughing a lot, which is quite irritating and unnerving) we finally pull over outside a huge, white, modern looking house, where some people from school are being let in.
Pete and I step out the car, and Andrew drives off without saying goodbye to his little brother.
I gaze up at the house in awe and say, "This is Hayley's house?"
"It sure is," Pete says. "Man, I'd kill for a house like this."
"And she's really invited everyone?"
"Yep. There's no such thing as popularity at Wilmette High, really. Everyone gets invited to parties, no one cares who goes. And the parties are almost always at Hayley's house."
"I'm not surprised," I say. "It's huge!"
Pete and I approach the mahogany front door, which opens as we walk up the garden path. Hayley steps out the house wearing a baggy shirt tucked into a mini skirt with tights and a pair of pumps. Her flame-coloured fringe is clipped back with a hairclip and round her neck is a silver necklace with a heart on the end. She looks really nice...and I guess I'm allowed to say that now, because I know I'm gay and there's only one person I'm attracted to...
Hayley bounds down the path excitedly to meet us halfway.
"Hey Pat!" she says, grinning at me. She then looks Pete up and down and says, "Pete."
Pete half nods.
"Come in," she smiles. "People are still arriving."
"Your house is huge!" I say in awe as Pete and I follow Hayley inside. Stepping inside I still gaze up at the building in astonishment.
"My parents earn money," Hayley says casually.
I open my mouth to say something to Pete, but then I notice that he's disappeared into the crowd of people packed into Hayley's hallway.
Oh well.
"So," I say quietly. "Is Chad here?"
Hayley blushes. "Yeah," she says, smiling a little smile. "He's at the breakfast bar in the kitchen."
"Hey, Patrick!" a voice says.
I'm greeted by Jeremy, Taylor and the Farro brothers, as well as Jon and Spencer.
"Hi," I say casually.
They lead me to the kitchen, where there's hardly any space to move; stylishly dressed teenagers are all crammed together, getting drinks and snacks or just socialising. Anxiety kicks in as I realise just how dorky I look compared to everyone else. And I hardly know any of these people...
I stay close to Hayley, who gets me a glass of juice. I sip it slowly, avoiding conversation with anyone. It's quite warm in here; maybe a little too warm.
Hayley and her friends start conversing, and they try to include me, but I feel seriously awkward and I hardly say anything. It gets hotter and hotter and eventually it gets to the point where I'm so hot and sweaty I feel like I'm about to faint.
"I-I need to go to the bathroom," I tell Hayley quietly, but she can't hear me.
Trying my best to stay on two feet, I make my way to the bathroom, where the door is open just a crack and the light is on inside. I push the door further open and almost jump back in embarrassment when I see what's inside.
Sitting on the closed toilet seat is a shirtless Brendon, and sitting on his lap, making out with him, is Ryan. One of Brendon's hands is stroking Ryan's back, while the other is unbuttoning his shirt. I feel myself melting with embarrassment, but for some reason I'm frozen there - my feet are stuck to the floor outside the bathroom. So I just stand there, blushing, waiting for something to happen.
Eventually Brendon opens his eyes and notices me standing there. He freezes just as he unbuttons the last button of Ryan's shirt. Ryan senses something's wrong and opens his eyes to see Brendon staring awkwardly at the door. Ryan turns his head and blushes when he sees me.
"Uh, hey Patrick," Brendon says awkwardly.
I don't really know what to say. "Um, I...I just wanted to use the bathroom." I point behind me. "Should I...?"
"No, it's alright," Ryan says, getting off Brendon's lap and sitting on the tiled floor beside the toilet.
I can now see both Brendon and Ryan's abs...and I find myself liking the view.
"Sorry," I say. "I didn't mean to...intrude."
"It's fine," Brendon says, grinning slightly. "D'you wanna hang out with us for a while?"
That makes me a little confused.
"Uh...ha-hang out with you?"
"Yeah," Brendon grins. "Sure. Why not?"
"Are you sure you two don't wanna be alone?"
I cringe after I say that. But Brendon and Ryan just exchange a chuckle and smile at me.
"We can...continue later," Ryan says. "Come sit with us."
So I sit cross-legged on the cold tiled floor, beside Brendon and Ryan. The hot, faint feeling from before has faded away, and now I'm feeling quite intrigued in Brendon and Ryan's relationship. When did they start going out? Are they actually going out? Or are they just having a one night's stand? Were they even going to have a one night's stand? Oh, I don't know.
"So," I say awkwardly. "You two are...?" My voice trails off.
"Yep," says Brendon, interlocking fingers with Ryan. "As you may or may not have guessed, Ryan and I are boyfriend and boyfriend now."
I smile at them. "Well, congratulations."
"We're gay as fuck," laughs Ryan. "Always have been. We just didn't tell each other until earlier tonight."
Hearing him say that gives me a flicker of comfort...maybe I can talk to them about how I feel?
"What about you?" asks Brendon.
Suddenly I feel like I'm under a spotlight in front of a huge audience, all waiting for me to say something. Nervous butterflies make a home in my stomach and I feel like I'll be judged if I tell them. But I look at their faces, both of their faces. They don't look like people who'll judge me - they're gay themselves! They're my friends. Why do I feel so nervous about coming out?
Well, I've never had friends before. And I've certainly never come out before.
"I'm gay," I say blankly, closing my eyes to conceal my fear.
There's a dreadful silence. Slowly I open my eyes and see that Brendon and Ryan are both gawping at each other with their jaws dropped. Why do they look shocked? It's not strange...they're gay themselves.
"Who do you like?" asks Brendon quickly.
"Wha-what?"
"Who do you like?" he repeats. "Do you have a crush?"
"Uh...yeah..."
Brendon and Ryan lean in closer towards me, eyes wide and mouths open.
"Who is it?" asks Brendon quickly. "Who is it?"
Another wave of fear hits me, but I overcome it and plainly say, "Pete..."
"NO WAY!" Ryan almost yells. "WHY HIM?!"
Now the wave of fear is more like a tsunami. They're judging me, aren't they?
But I look over at Brendon and see that he's laughing.
"HA!" he grins, pointing at Ryan. "What did I tell you!"
"Yeah yeah," mumbles Ryan.
I frown. Ryan and Brendon notice my confusion and Brendon says, "Ryan and I were taking bets about your sexuality and who you had a crush on."
I almost choke. They were doing what?!
"We both thought you were gay, so we didn't place bets on that," Ryan continues. "But we placed bets on who your crush was."
"And I got it right!" Brendon sings theatrically. "Now Ryan here owes me $5. Nice choice, too. Pete is one hot guy."
Ryan frowns at him, looking annoyed.
"But you're hotter," Brendon winks, interlocking fingers with him.
I can't believe what I'm hearing. They were placing bets on who my crush was?
And Brendon got it right?
And they both thought I was gay before they knew?
"You...you really thought I had a crush on Pete before you knew I was gay?" I say slowly.
"Oh yeah," Brendon grins. "But don't be offended or anything."
"I thought you liked Mr Iero, not gonna lie," Ryan chuckles.
"Mr Iero?" I say, surprising myself by laughing. "Why?"
"Because...I don't know," laughs Ryan. "The way you look at him...?"
I cringe and we end up laughing all together. For a long while afterwards, we just sit there, talking about all sorts of different things. Brendon and Ryan are hilarious and they're so open about their sexuality it's comforting. And from that point on, I know that I've got real friends in them.