I've never liked to think of myself as a dramatic person. In all honesty, I tended to be pretty underwhelmed by most pieces of information that came my way, but when Riley told me – in the month of May, might I add – that she wouldn't be able to come along to Hawaii with us for the summer, it's safe to say that I was beyond devastated. Her not being able to come along changed everything. This trip was meant to be a chance for growth and fun, and how could a girl do either without her best friend there beside her?
The two of us had been building this trip, minute by minute, in our minds since we were 16-year-old sophomores and I had never once even considered the idea that it might not actually happen the way we'd envisioned it. It was supposed to be a movie worthy experience: Keira and Riley taking on Hawaii.
Well...Keira, Riley, and Riley's boyfriend, that is.
Ash Moretti. Riley's dazzling, heartbreaking boyfriend who she held onto like her life depended on it – like her heart depended on it. Not that I blamed her (since I knew that if I was in her shoes, I'd be doing the exact same thing), but ever since the two of them had become an item, they were always together. So much so that it was now at a point where I could rarely ever spend time alone with Riley.
I tried bringing it up once. I told her about how it seemed she'd began to neglect her friends for Ash, but she had just shrugged it off and told me that I wouldn't understand the situation since I wasn't in a relationship. And me, being my regularly stubborn self, had told her that I was in multiple relationships (one of them being ours) but I still didn't understand the neglect, and that was when she got defensive.
Riley being defensive was never a pretty sight. How do I even describe it? Riley becoming defensive was like a bull whose eyes were warning you to take off your red jacket so that it wouldn't have to charge at you – like it didn't want to charge, but it would if it had to. And I had been in this relationship long enough to know that Riley was never afraid to charge. I had decided not to push the matter any further because if there's anything I knew, it was that arguments between us never went anywhere because we both as stubborn as mules and Riley was too much of an Aries to ever be the one to give up first.
I had never brought up the issue of neglect since then.
Today though, I was sat on Riley's bed, frowning down at my crossed legs as Shrek 2 played in the background on her TV.
"Riley, there's seriously no point of me going to Hawaii if you can't come with." I reached over and placed a hand on her arm. "This was supposed to be our trip. A lot of these people are my proxy friends anyway – I only know them through you."
Groaning, Riley ran both hands through her long black hair. It fell back down to her sides, straight as a pin, and she sighed. "I know. I know, Keira. There's nothing I can do about it at this point though. You know my mom won't let me go anywhere after that report card. I have to take these summer classes if I want to graduate this year."
"Yeah, I know," I muttered. "It still sucks though."
Riley laughed. "That it does. If only my dad hadn't convinced her it would be a good idea to make me take all those AP's. Who would've ever thought," she said sarcastically. "An Asian person actually can fail their classes!"
I tried to laugh along with Riley, but it wasn't genuine and we could both tell. I sighed. "Hey, at least they believe in you. That's gotta count for something, right?"
"Yeah. It counts for making me miss the goddamn trip to Hawaii," she muttered. "I'm eternally grateful." And with an eye roll, Riley leaned back onto her pillow and laid down, staring up at the ceiling. I reached my hand over and took hers in it, holding it tightly.
She looked at me and a sad smile spread across her lips. "I'm going to miss you this summer," she said. "It's really going to suck here, Keira."
"Are you going to miss me more than Ash?" I teased.
Her eyebrows drew together as she took a second to think about the question and my jaw dropped.
"Hey!"
I hit her arm and she leaned over, laughing loudly now. "I'm kidding!" she exclaimed. "I'll miss you both equally," she said. "In different ways."
I shook my head in disbelief. "Damn, who would have known that with a penis, it only takes five months to build what took us twelve years."
Riley grinned cheekily and sat up on the bed, mirroring my posture. "Not just a penis," she said. "Let me tell you, Keira, his shit is immaculate. The things it can do? Astounding."
"I know...you've told me so many times..." I trailed off, trying to think of the fastest way to change the topic conversation. I hated hearing her talk about Ash like that, and I know that it was selfish because she was my best friend and he was her boyfriend, but I couldn't help it. Something in me always boiled up when she spoke to me about Ash – and yet, I always seemed to provoke it. Like some sick and twisted part of me actually liked the pain that came with hearing about him.
We used to talk about Ash sometimes – before the two of them got together. I would bring up how hot he was or whose heart he had broken that week and Riley would join in, but never share my sentiment. She used to say that she thought he was trying too hard to be a 'bad boy' and that she didn't actually find him that attractive. She could never understand what my obsession with him was, and it made sense considering I had never told her about what happened three years ago, at the lake behind the forest. I never shared it with anyone because for some reason, I felt that if I told people about it then the memory would become less precious. It would become less mine. And that memory was one of the only experiences I could hold onto (apart from those with my brother) that made me feel like there was still reason to all of this. Like there was a reason I was still here.
I was fine with Riley thinking my infatuation with Ash was rooted in nothing but his good looks and charm. It didn't matter to me whether anyone else knew why I liked him because I knew why I liked him. What did matter to me was the fact that Riley had known about my feelings and she still dated him.
To this day, I hadn't said anything about it to her. I had never told her how I truly felt since avoiding conflict is my go-to, but I can still remember the day that I figured out something was going on between them. It was last year, in the middle of November. I was staying over at Riley's house for the night and we were stalking people on Facebook when she left to go to the bathroom. While Riley was gone, a message popped up for her and my jaw dropped. We shared pretty much everything with each other, so seeing her Facebook messages wasn't a big deal for me. What had caught my attention though, was the fact that this particular message was from none other than Ash Moretti.
I was shocked – and, admittedly, a little jealous – that he was reaching out to her (since I'd rather it was me), but I was still excited and curious to find out what this was all about. As far as I knew, Ash had never even spoken to Riley, so what could he possibly be messaging her about? And before I could even think twice about it, I clicked on the message and quickly realized that this wasn't the first time they'd talked.
The message read: 'Hey, Riley, I had a really good time last week. We should hang out again sometime:)'
And I nearly shit myself.
There were messages above it, but I didn't have the heart to look at any of them.
Riley came back into her room and my original plan had been to confront her on the spot, but when I saw her walk in – long hair and longer legs swaying past my face, I couldn't do it. What was I thinking trying to fight her for Ash? What was I thinking trying to pretend I ever even had a chance?
I had to run to the bathroom so that she didn't see the tears brimming my eyelids. I didn't want her to see me cry about that, and so I locked the bathroom door and let my tears out silently. I had so many questions but didn't even know what words to use to begin to even ask them. Why wouldn't she tell me the first moment he contacted her? Riley loved attention like that! I would've thought she'd come running, smug if nothing else that the man I liked was talking to her. But to go out with him and not tell me?
I had tried to pull myself together, but I wasn't doing a very good job of it. With skin as pale as mine, when I cried, people knew.
I finally just decided to wash my face and call it a day. At least that way my whole face would be red and maybe it would be harder for Riley to tell I'd been crying. I washed my face and then looked in the mirror at my underwhelming reflection. My short brown hair that, at the time, fell just past my shoulders and never seemed to do what I wanted it to. My blotchy face that always seemed so much worse whenever side-by-side with Riley's. Everything of mine that somehow managed to fall short when compared to Riley.
When I finally went back to Riley's room, she had looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. She could tell that something was wrong, but she didn't ask. I knew she must've seen that the message from Ash was open. I thought maybe she would be the one to bring it up so that I wouldn't have to, but she never did. Not until he formally asked her out did Riley call me on the phone and tell me the "good news." That was the first time she mentioned Ash to me. And since, by then, we had stopped talking about him, she must've thought it was okay.
I knew that I should've said something earlier on, maybe then I could've stopped it from happening. Now, it was too late because she had a real claim on him. He was her boyfriend after all, and all he'd ever been to me was an unattainable crush. And coming to terms with that, was one of the most challenging things I've ever had to do in my life.
Something I think I'm still in the process of.
"Sorry for hitting you." I pointed to Riley's arm, trying to steer the conversation away from Ash and his oh-so-capable penis. "Does it hurt?"
She pursed her lips and looked up at me for a second too long. Long enough to let me know that she knew exactly what I was doing. She may have failed some classes, but she wasn't dumb.
"No, it doesn't hurt, Keira. You're not the fucking Hulk."
Funny, because I'm constantly trying to keep calm so I don't go crazy in here!
Riley's bedroom door creaked open and the both of us turned around to see her dad poke his head in with a grin. "Hey girls," he said.
"Hey, Mr. Park." I waved at him and he winked back at me – one of those 100% un-smooth, corny-as-hell dad winks. It was great.
"Do you need something, Dad?" Riley asked.
He nodded. "Yes, actually. I'm trying to pick out where exactly I'm taking your mom for our anniversary weekend next month and I need you to help me figure out what she'd like most."
Riley rolled her eyes, but a smile still tugged at her mouth. "Wow," she said, getting up from the bed and walking over to the door. "You've been married for almost seventeen years and you still don't know your wife."
"Hey! I know my wife, I just want to cover all my bases." Mr. Park held open the door so Riley could pass in front of him. "She's on call in the hospital till 11pm tonight and when she gets back, I want to surprise her with a nice meal and reservations to a place she'd actually enjoy going."
"Whatever you say," Riley teased.
Mr. Park rolled his eyes. "Hee-jung will be right back," he assured me with a smile, before leaving the door slightly ajar as he followed his daughter down the stairs.
Hee-jung was Riley's Korean name, but nobody called her that except for family. She had decided to go by Riley since day one of kindergarten and it had stuck. She said that using her English name was originally just a way for her to fit in with everyone, but that it grew to be a way for her to compartmentalize both parts of her life. Riley Park and Hee-jung Park were two different people, and I wasn't sure that anyone other than me knew them both.
Riley's relationship with her father had always been very interesting to me. They were extremely close since she had spent most of her time with him growing up; her mother was a doctor and had always had crazy hours. She'd never gotten the chance to raise her daughter, and so Riley was a daddy's girl. Mr. Park loved it. He was always extra attentive when it came to anything that had to do with his daughter and knew Riley a lot better than she liked to admit.
When it came to their family's big decisions though, Mrs. Park seemed to be the one with the final say. I guess you could say she was the head of the family, and it had always been that way. I personally thought that was for the best since she was much more responsible than Mr. Park – and with good reason too. Ever since Mrs. Park had gotten knocked up with Riley at seventeen, she hadn't stepped out of line since. It was almost as if she was scared to make any more mistakes – even if Riley had turned out to bring a lot of good into her life.
Unlike Mr. Park who was already a second generation Korean-American himself, Mrs. Park's family had moved here from Korea when she was ten and so she grew up with a very different (and very strict) familial structure. Mrs. Park had gotten pregnant with Riley when she was still in high school, and when her parents found out, they wanted Mr. Park – who was her then-boyfriend – to marry her. When Mrs. Park told him about what her parents said, Mr. Park had panicked and ended things between them out of fear of having to raise a baby.
His decision put a lot of strain on Mrs. Park's life – both emotionally and family-wise – and she ended up developing depression during the course of her pregnancy. She secluded herself from everyone throughout that time, even her own parents. It wasn't until after Riley was born and Mr. Park's parents made him go visit the two of them that he realized he was still in love with Mrs. Park and wanted to be with her and Riley. They got back together and Mr. Park promised her he would never leave her again – a promise that obviously left everyone feeling a bit apprehensive, but he was the father of her child, and Mrs. Park's parents would rather their daughter be in a shaky relationship than none at all.
Mr. Park said that he had been in love with her the whole time they were apart, but that he was too much of a coward to take such a big risk – something that finally meeting his daughter changed.
It wasn't until over a year later that they got married, but they finally did, and that was when Mr. Park dedicated himself to his wife and daughter. He promised himself that he would help Mrs. Park pursue her dream of becoming a doctor and tried his best to do so every single day. Riley never asked him whether a part of his sacrifice came from a place of guilt. Guilt for leaving Mrs. Park on her own for all those months. She knew that even if it did, he would never speak those words.
And whenever Riley spoke about her parents, part of me wondered whether her mother felt the same way. Like she'd roped her husband into a marriage through guilt, and that maybe he didn't actually want to be there. Anyone in their right mind could see that Mr. Park was very much in love with his wife, but Mrs. Park wasn't always in her right mind, and that was part of the problem.
I let out a sigh as the door to Riley's bedroom creaked open once more.
"Hey babe, did you – oh."
I heard something drop to the ground – probably a phone – and I didn't need to turn around to know that it was the brown-haired mess of my dreams standing in the doorway behind me. I knew that voice too well. I didn't hear it too often, but I could still recognize it from a mile away. Every time I heard that voice, my knees grew weak. Every word that left that tongue found a way to crawl up my spine slowly, until I sat with my back straight and my chest cold.
Ash.
I didn't need to turn around to confirm that it was him, but something in me just loved thrusting myself neck-deep into anything that would cause me pain as long as it came with three seconds of pleasure. I could guess why he was here easily enough: to tell Riley that he decided not to go on the Hawaii trip anymore. I had assumed he was only in it to get laid anyway. A sandy, beachy paradise didn't exactly strike me as his cup of tea, and now that his girlfriend wasn't going, he had no reason to force himself to go either. He could stay here and take care of things at home.
He could stay here and be with Riley.
I turned around and when my eyes finally landed on Ash, my breath caught in my chest.
He was exactly that – breathtaking.
Even now, with his hair in a messy brown mop atop his head, he still looked so goddamn beautiful. And the white t-shirt that he was wearing wasn't nearly thick enough to hide the fact that this boy had a body. A body that I knew would be warm enough for nothing else to matter once it was holding you. A body that I wanted to hold me, but that held Riley most nights instead.
And the look in his eyes...
That fucking look he always had in his eyes! It was so playful, so brooding – like he knew exactly what effect he had on me and didn't care at all. Like he could see the sweat beads forming on my forehead and liked it. Like he didn't remember me in the same way I did him.
Why would he though? People threw themselves at him left and right. People good-looking enough to put me to shame any day. There was nothing special enough about me for him to remember. I was just his girlfriend's best friend.
A smirk spread across Ash's lips as he took me in, sitting on Riley's bed (where they probably did it last night!) with hooded eyes and fidgeting hands. And I could do nothing but trace the lines his smile formed on his cheeks with my eyes. He looked so ethereal – like paint on a canvas – and I knew he knew.
"Hey, Keira." Ash gave me a small wave, leaning onto the doorframe as he watched me with amusement.
I focused my eyes in on his nose, right between his mouth and lips, because right then, I couldn't look at either of those. But of course, he happened to still have such a cute nose!
"Hey," I replied, trying my best to keep my voice even. I hated this. The awkward conversation we had to have even though I wanted to say so much more – to ask him if he remembered.
He chuckled. "You look cute today."
What?
I look – what???
I sputtered, trying to comprehend what he had just said while thinking of what to say in response to it. I'd seen him my fair share of times coming to and from this house, but he'd never said something like that to me before. Was this him being reckless since he knew he wouldn't see me for the next few months?
That wasn't fair. He wasn't allowed to be reckless with me.
"Wha – uh, I...thanks...?"
He laughed as his smirk rested itself into a content smile. "Are you saying your goodbyes?" he asked.
I shrugged, looking down at my clasped hands. "Something like that," I said, my eyebrows drawing together in frustration. I didn't want to be in this interaction anymore. I didn't want to have to admit to myself that the thought of not seeing him for the next 2 months was more painful than having to constantly see him in Riley's arms.
"Um, Riley's downstairs," I said. "...In case you were looking for her..."
In case he was looking for her? He was obviously looking for her, Keira, this is her house!
Ash raised an eyebrow as I spoke, his eyes narrowing slightly as he watched me. Like he was trying to decipher a message I didn't know I was sending. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but he was too good at hiding his emotions behind that steely expression. He always had been.
Finally, he took a breath and nodded. "Thanks," he said, tapping the doorframe twice before pursing his lips and walking out of the room. I heard his footsteps fading down the hallway and didn't let out the breath I was holding until I heard the bathroom door open and close. As soon as it did, I got up and left the room. I didn't want to be here when he returned, and I certainly didn't want to be around both him and Riley.
I rushed down the stairs and saw Riley sitting at her dad's desktop with her eyebrows drawn together, focused as ever while Mr. Park hovered over her, looking worried and confused.
"Hey, Riley?"
She looked over at me and smiled. "Hey, Keira, I'll be done in just a sec."
"I – uh, I actually think I'm gonna head out now..." I trailed off and immediately Riley could tell that something was wrong.
She got up from her seat and hurried over to me with a frown. "Keira, is everything okay? Is this about Hawaii?"
I shook my head. "No, it's really nothing. I'm just – Ash is upstairs...by the way. I think I'm gonna go now."
The hand that Riley was resting on my arm hardened its grip noticeably as the rest of her body froze. Her eyes travelled from me to the stairs, suspicion written clear as day in them.
Great.
I honestly didn't know why she always looked so worried whenever Ash and I interacted (they were far and few between, but they did happen). There wasn't much I could do to really pose a threat to Riley because, well first and foremost, I was her best fucking friend and had bigger loyalties. Also though, Riley was way out of my league. She literally always looked like she was ready to take on a runway with her long legs and slender figure. She and Ash were like a picture-perfect couple. A kind of perfect I knew I could never come anywhere close to achieving.
And I knew that she knew it too.
"He's up there?" she asked, her eyes moving up past my head to watch the stairs.
"Yeah." I nodded, trying my best to seem calmer than I felt on the inside. "He was looking for you."
Riley chewed on her bottom lip as her eyes shifted to the ground and then back up to my face. It was her signature 'I'm thinking' face. "Strange he didn't see me...he must've come in through the back door or something."
"Who knows?" I shrugged, figuring that agreeing with everything she said at this point was my best bet of leaving any time soon. "I really should go though. I want to spend time with Mickey before we leave tomorrow."
"Oh, right!" Riley's face brightened up at my mention of my younger brother. The two of them had always been fond of each other – she was like his proxy big sister since she'd known him for his whole life. It was comforting to know that even though I wouldn't be here with him for the next two months, Riley would. I knew she would take care of him no matter what.
"Tell him I say hi!" Riley chirped. "Oh, and that I can't wait to go to the movies this weekend."
I laughed, pulling her in for a hug. "Trust me, he knows."
"You're right," she chuckled, nodding her head in agreement. "I'm for sure looking forward to seeing Finding Dory more than he is. I've been waiting for this since before he was born."
"You really have been. Do you remember in seventh grade? When you made your dad buy you the..."
I trailed off when I realized Riley's eyes had shifted and were now focused on something behind me. Her lips found their way into a sugary sweet smile that made my stomach flip over itself because I knew that that smile was for Ash. I knew that he was behind me, but I still turned around to see it with my own eyes. I wasn't really sure why – I guess I just had a thing for hurting myself.
I laid my eyes once more on the figure of Ash Moretti that was standing atop the staircase. His eyes were focused on Riley – like he was hoping he could find the answer to a question somewhere on her body.
"Baaabe."
Riley sang the word and I cringed involuntarily. Her eyes flickered over to me momentarily and I knew that she had noticed the cringe, even if she didn't acknowledge it. When she turned back over to Ash, she had a more intentional look in her eyes – a look that I knew all too well. It was the same look she gave to traffic lights before she recklessly ran the yellows.
"Come here." Riley beckoned Ash down the stairs with her arms, opening them wide enough to push me gently to the side. Wide enough for only his body to enter.
I looked up at Ash, whose hand was gripping at the railing of the staircase. I wondered what was going through his mind. His eyes flashed over to me for a split-second, and as I looked into them, I couldn't figure out what they were trying to convey. He looked conflicted. Like he wanted to walk into Riley's arms, but he didn't want me to have to witness it. Had he noticed the gentle brush to the side? Did he even care?
I didn't want to stay and watch their interaction play out. I would have a whole summer to let my thoughts of this boy boil up in my chest. I didn't need to add another memory to the pot.
I ripped my eyes away from Ash and looked to Riley who was still staring up at him with so much sugar in her eyes. So much fucking sugar! How could she even see through it all?
I wanted to tell her that I loved her – I wanted those to be the last words we said before we parted for the summer, but at that moment I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I did love her – I knew I did, but at that moment, I would sooner have bitten off my tongue and swallowed it before telling her that.
And so instead, I just said bye.