Seven more days. Just Seven more days until my birthday, six more days until I let Preston claim me. And for the past three days I have been staring at the box once more. I had talked to Brayden to let me stay the weekend over and come home on Monday. I knew it was time to open the box and I didn't want to do that over at my house. I needed space from my mom and brother when I did that because I didn't know what I was about to see.
Swallowing I gently pull the box over to me more. My heart pounds in my chest as I reach out oh so slowly and lift the lid. I find myself closing my eyes as I lift the other side, the box now wide open to look into. But I can't find myself doing that, instead I squeeze them shut and count backwards in my head, trying to calm my nerves.
Slowly I open my eyes and take a peek down. Books, things in cases, things in envelopes, things buried under each other and a little dust were in the box.
"Come on Dee, you can do this. You've been through one box before this." I mumble to myself as I reach in and grab the first thing I touch.
It's a small metal case. Biting my lip I lift the lid and see a ring in it. It's silver and heavy in my hands, it looks like it's meant for a man and the design on the sides and the stone in the middle doesn't look girlie to me. Squinting I see the word Johnson carved in under the stone. A family ring?
Setting it aside I grab something else, a book this time. I hesitate in opening it; do I really want to read another journal? But this is the box I have been seeking, the only box that mattered at the time, it holds on the answers for me.
"Stop being a baby." I hiss at myself and crack open the book and to my surprise it's a photo album.
A man that looks like my father stands behind a younger boy, his arm wrapped around a small pretty woman. Her hair is short and black, she was very pretty looking at the inscription I read. The Johnson Family year book. Phillip Johnson, Mary Johnson, and Joey Johnson. I inhale at this, so the man and his wife are my grandparents? The ones I have never met.
Flipping the book over I see pictures of my father growing up, of his birthdays and first day of school. In all the pictures he's smiling, so are his parents. He looked like a normal boy who had a happy childhood. His father teaching him how to fish, to ride a bike, everything was here. But then as he got older there were pictures of him going to proms and dances with different women, the look in his eyes sad as he held the women close. His look changed; instead of the cute, innocent smile a rueful smirk lit his face. Gone were the prim and proper clothes as he downgraded to the player and bada_s style, his hair a mess and in some pictures he holds a beer in his hand or a cigarette in his mouth. This is the Joey my mother knew. Then the last pages of a dark wolf, with grey eyes just like my own. This must be his wolf.
I look away and bite my lip hard. What happened to him? What made him go from having a happy family and having a great life to becoming the player? Was it because he hadn't found his mate when he was fourteen, and when he did find her she was sleeping around? Surely that would hurt anyone, look at Sasha and Brayden, I knew she felt pain when he was with Kelly. Was that why he did this to himself?
I hated him at that moment for being so weak and pathetic. To change yourself just because he didn't find his mate. What would have happened if he found my mom sooner? Would he still hate me? Would he still have been abusive towards my family? I couldn't be sure because I didn't know what he was truly thinking at the time.
Closing the book I shove it aside, I don't want to remember my father smiling. I don't want to see him change into the monster that I know him as. Grabbing the envelopes I see they are in my mother's handwriting, addressed to each of my siblings. Putting Brayden's and Natalie's to the side I grab mine and hold it gently in my hands. The envelopes look yellowed over time, as if they were written on a long time ago, a small thin layer of dust coated it.
I twirled it around in my hands slowly, debating if I wanted to read it. Only bad things came when you read something you're not supposed to. But this time my mother wanted me to read it; it was after all addressed to me.
Slipping my finger under the lip on the envelop I tear it open, slipping the papers out. No time to turn back now.
My darling little Deidre,
There is so much that I want to tell you, you and your siblings, but I don't know how. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past, things that I can't turn back and erase. But then again I don't want to go back and erase them, because you and your siblings wouldn't be on this earth if I hadn't of made those mistakes.
I'm so afraid of telling you my secrets, to tell the truth because I don't want you to think less of me. Your only five years old rights now, still my little baby. I don't want what I'm going to tell you to ruin our relationship; you mean the world to me as does your brother and sister. I love you all so very much and it pains me to see you get hurt. I never wanted this for you, never wanted to be hurt like how your father has hurt us. I never thought that would be our family, broken and keeping secrets. But it's to protect you from the real dangers out there.
Please, whatever you decide after you read these please don't think less of me.
I bite my lip and look away. I was only five at the time my mother wrote this, still a child. At this time in my life I was thinking of hiding spots to get away from Joey. I was living a life of fear each night, praying he wouldn't come into my room drunk and hitting me. I was so scared back then and I looked at my mom like a hero. Because she was, she took the hits and did everything she could to protect me and my siblings. We all loved her and trusted her. But when he left and she went crazy I did think less of her. I turned my back on the women that raised and protected me. Turning back I begin to read the letter once more.
Your siblings are your half siblings; they have a different father than you. Like I said before I made mistakes when I was younger, I got around with the wrong guys and the end result was your siblings. But I wouldn't go back and change what I did because I have two amazing children, three counting you. Their fathers didn't want anything to do with me or them when I had told them. I don't want this to infect your relationship with your siblings. You still are brother and sisters no matter what; my blood runs through all of you.
You father is Joey. As much as I wish he wasn't at the moment he is, and his blood runs through you. I have to confess that this pain that you and your siblings have endured was my fault. You see Joey and I belong together, we are soul mates and no amount of wishing will change that. There are things out in the world that you don't understand and I hope and pray that you never understand them. Things that are only supposed to be in fairytales and books.
I don't have the power to say it to you in person, and I hope you never receive this letter before I'm dead because I can't bear to tell you in person. This is why I'm writing it to you, because I'm a coward and can't tell the truth to your face.
But here it is. Joey is a werewolf and I'm his mate. You don't have to believe this but it's the truth. I found out after we met and he took me and your siblings into his house. He was so sweet to me and played with your siblings, acting as if they were his own. He didn't mind my past and what I had done wrong. He loved me and your brother and sister. But then he told me what he was, even transformed into a wolf right in front of me. I knew he wasn't lying and that scared me. At first I thought he was beautiful and strong, he was the love of my life. We got married shortly after, he was everything I wanted. He was kind to my children, soft and sweet with me and so caring. I had it all, but I wanted more. I wanted another child, something he didn't want.
He didn't want another child because he knew that it would be half werewolf, and his family comes from a strong line of pure breeds. They look down on half breeds. But his family was disowned a long time ago, forced to travel as rogues for centuries. As much as he loved me I was only human, and he was supposed to be alpha. He didn't want to risk having a half breed child that would only bring trouble to him and our family if other rogues or pure breeds found out. But I longed for another child; two wasn't good enough for me. I always wanted a large family, so I tricked him.
And in the end you had arrived into the world. Then things changed, he wasn't the man I thought he was. He grew angry and started hating Natalie and Brayden. I can still see the first time he laid a hand on Brayden. The shock at seeing my little boy, barely three years old, being thrown to the ground by a slap to the face. All Brayden wanted to do was go play catch with Joey like they always did. But Joey didn't want to, he had been drinking for the past two days and it was finally starting to affect him. The next thing I know I see Brayden on the floor crying. After that everything changed and he became the monster we both know.
I have no one but me to blame for that. I had tricked him, I had insisted on keeping you even after he threatened to kill you himself. I felt the bond with you just like I did with my other children. I loved you before you even came into this world and I wasn't going to give you up. I was going to fight for you and your siblings. Even if it meant losing the love of my life.
You are a werewolf Dee and for the first time it scared me knowing this. Even when I was pregnant with you and saw how violent Joey was becoming. He was letting his wolf take over and I was afraid that you would turn out to be just like him. So I went to a doctor. I had looked up packs, searched everywhere I could until I finally came across one. It wasn't simple but I found them and went to them for help.
They didn't know how to help me at first, saying there was nothing they could do to help you, for you were born to be a werewolf. But I couldn't let that happen and the doctor of the pack I think he took pity on me and told me he would find something to help you. So you can be human and not worry about the wolf taking over. I told him everything about Joey and how I didn't want you to become that. Months went by and I still haven't heard from him it wasn't until I was due that we finally met up again. He handed me a small drink of clear liquid. He called it wolfs bane, it's supposed to be deadly for werewolves but considering that you were half human he gambled that the werewolf in you would die out, leaving the human side to take over. It was a gamble I was willingly taking.
So I took the drink and I felt no pain, he checked on you and told me you will be fine, the drink had worked. The next day you were born and you were healthy and human. I would always go back and do that over again Dee, I wouldn't change it for a second. It may sound selfish to you but I had to do it to protect you. I thought that if Joey saw that you weren't werewolf at all that he would go back to being that loveable guy. But he was too angry and too drunk to properly tell, he said that he would make sure on your fourteenth birthday you would change and then he would kill you.
I went back to the doctor when you were three, made him make me more of the drink, but instead he made me earrings of the same stuff, just in case the drink had stopped working as time went on. I watched you grow, I watched for any signs that your wolf was awakening. But I found nothing and I was relieved.
I just hope and pray that as you continue to grow that nothing will happen, that Joey will leave. It pains me to say it but I can't live like this anymore. I want to take you and your siblings as far away from him as I can. But I can't, he's my mate and every time he's gone I miss him. I fear that if that day does come when Joey leaves I won't be strong enough for you and your siblings.
I don't want to change if he leaves. I don't want to be weak and wallow in self-pity. But I fear that I might, our bond has grown over the years and even still, after all the hits and the pain I still love him. There is still that moment of clarity for him when he sees my bruises. He cries to himself, begging for forgiveness, telling me he still loves me. And each and every time I let him. I forgive him and love him. I shouldn't but I do. As much as I want to take you kids away from him so we can live in peace I don't know if I can.
As much as I talk about taking you guys away and me being strong it's all a fa\u00e7ade. I'm really scared and pray for selfish reasons that that day doesn't come. That he doesn't leave us. That he would just change and love us back like he loved us before.
I want to tell you that if that day does come, if he leaves us that it will be ok to hate me. I don't know how but I just know that if he leaves us I'm not going to be the same person I was. I won't know what I'm doing and I want you to know its ok to hate me. It's ok to blame me. I just pray that that day doesn't come anytime soon. Not when you're still a child. Not when you are still living with me because I don't want you to see me like that ever.
I will always love you Deidre. No matter what I say or do I love you. So much. I ask forgiveness for keeping secrets from you and for what I may do in the future. Always prepare yourself for the worse. That's what my mom always said. And that's what I'm doing now. Preparing for the worst case scenario. I pray that it never comes.
I love you my darling little girl and I'm so proud of you.
Love always, Mommy.
I release the breath I have been holding. I stare down at the pages in front of me. She knew. She knew she was going to go off the deep end if she lost Joey. And she's apologizing for it, three years before he even left. I close my eyes as I think about this. Can I forgive her for what she's done in the past ten years? The alcohol, the harsh words and leaving to go find him, she really went crazy not having him around.
Sasha told me how crazy a werewolf can get if they lost their mate or were rejected. Most of them died depending on how strong the link was. Was that happening to my mother? She felt him pull away and feared of having him lost forever. The bond most has lasted a long time, but unfortunately she isn't really surviving the loose of him. She still has hope that he will come back, she still loves him and not having him here... she feel the bond weakening. Driving herself to madness with alcohol, it numbs the bond.
Then I think of Preston and our bond. Would I go crazy if I lost him? There isn't a doubt that I would; even the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach and depressed. If a thought can only do that I can't imagine what would happen if he was really gone. I would drive myself to madness just like my mother. As much of a monster he was at the end she still loved him for who he was.
Can I forgive her?
A knock on my door had me jumping out of bed and back into the present.
"Hold on." I call out my heart hammering in my chest as I go to the door and open it a little bit.
Jamie is on the other side, a look of concern on her face. "Are you alright?" She asks softly making me smile, or well attempt to smile at her.
"I'm fine." Is all I say.
"Alright, well Preston would like to see you in the training room; he said you had a lesson in five minutes." She says making me nod.
"Thanks for reminding me." I smile softly and watch her walk away.
Sighing I close the door and look at the box. Had it really been an hour? After school Preston told me he wanted to gun training he just had to do a few paper works first. I didn't realize I had wasted time by staring at the box for an hour. Putting my shoes on and tying my hair up in a pony I leave the room, trying to clear my head and not think of the letter.
The box isn't what I expected it to be. I didn't think he would have left a scrap book or anything sentimental. I couldn't help but think that if I had found his box then I would be freaked out more so than if I hadn't read mom's journals. I would have had more questions that are for sure.
Walking into the training range I see Preston already there, laying the guns out on the table and checking them.
"Hey, sorry I lost track of time." I say as I close the door behind me and walk up to him.
"Are you alright?" He asks softly coming up to me and cupping my face in his hands. "It looks like you want to cry."
I sigh and look down. I can't do gun training if I don't tell him now, I need to clear my head. "I opened the box." I look up at him as I feel him tense.
His eyes are wide with shock, his mouth dropping little by little at my words. He didn't think that I would actually open the box.
"Are you alright?" He finally asks.
I shrug. "For the most part it was going good, just a few pictures and a family ring." I bite my lip and look up at him my hands curling around his. "But then I found a letter addressed to me by my mom, she had one for each of my siblings." I breathe out. "She wants forgiveness; this letter was written when I was five." I look up at his face.
"She somehow knew that he was leaving and she knew she was going to go off the deepened. She explained everything to me in that letter, why she took the wolfs bane and why she is going crazy. She told me it was ok to hate her. She knew something like this was going to happen." I say looking away at my hands that were surprisingly not shaking.
"Oh Dee," He says softly wrapping his arms around me. I close my eyes and let him hold me, relaxing into him.
"But the thing is, I have never hated her. I always loved her; I was just worried for her. All those years after Joey left... I never understood but I do now. I understand why she wants to feel numb and get wasted. It's to help the pain. As much as I don't like thinking about it I thought about what if I lost you. If you just left or you died? I've heard about what happened to mates if they lost their other half. I've seen it with my mom. And when I think about it, I think oh I can get through it and push on and live a happy life. But that's a lie, it's really like you lost your other half and your half dying. Its reality and it scares me to know that." I babble on clutching his shirt between my fingers.
"I'm not going anywhere Dee." He whispers. "Ever."
"My mom thought that too and looks where that got her." I point out.
"She wasn't strong Dee. Your right, you think you're going to be ok but you never will be if you lost your other half. It's reality and nothing can prepare you for it. I'm sorry that happened to her Dee. I'm sorry that she wasn't strong enough to pull through." He says fiercely making me breathe in deep.
"I just understand her. I don't hate her for what she did. It makes me sad for her, he's alive out there somewhere and he's torturing her. Making her miserable." I shake my head sadly at this. "I love my mom Preston and I finally understand."
He nods his head and rubs my back gently. "I understand Dee. You're going back aren't you?" He whispers making me nod.
"Maybe I can help her." I pull back so I can look him in the eyes. "I don't expect you or my siblings to understand, but maybe I can help her out of this depressed state. Give her hope and something to live for." I look him in the eyes and I see understanding there.
He nods. "I understand Dee, and I want you to know that I will always be there for you, if you need help with her, just let me know." He whispers making me nod.
It feels so good to get it all off my chest, to tell him what she wrote. I still have a lot to dig up and understand about my own father, but it felt good knowing what was wrong with my mom.
"Come on, target practice." I say moving from his hold and going to the guns.
The last three days I have been in the gym, wrestling and working on moves or lifting weight. Dr. Manor has given me these shakes that are supposed to help my bones grow. It was thick and pink and I dare not ask her what was in it. I didn't want to have to know, I was supposed to drink one a day. I felt the change in my body as I got toned and started to build a little amount of muscle. It was easier to attack my 'attacker' during my ladies defense classes.
"Ok, like I thought you before put the gun together." Preston says standing beside me and watching me work.
Not wasting time I starting putting the gun together.
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"So you're really forgiving her?" Sasha asks not at all out of breath.
Our defense classes ended two hours ago, we are now back at the pack house in the gym and wrestling around.
I breathe hard and deep filling my lungs with much needed air. I had landed on the mat again.
"Yes, I fully understand what has happened now." I say between breaths. "Can we be done for the day?" I huff.
She nods and stands up, helping me up also. "So when do you go back?" She asks as we move out of the room and up the stairs towards my room.
"Monday after school. Brayden didn't like that I stayed at 'your house' all week. He wanted me home sooner but..." I trail off looking away and shrugging. "It's time to go home." I say.
"Your strong you know that Dee?" She says as I open my room and she leans in the doorway. "Not many people are as forgiving as you, and from what happened to you." She shakes her head in amazement. "You're something else."
I smile and take my shoes off. "Thanks Sasha." I whisper softly looking at her.
She nods and turns to go. "Don't forget that we are working on your running tomorrow, meet at my house early." She says before closing the door behind her and walking away.
I groan. Running, it's not so bad and I know that I needed to fasten my pace but running with Sasha kills me. She is one of the fastest runners around and I can never catch her. She's a mean coach when it comes to running. She says if you can't fight them then you have to out run them.
Grabbing a pair of fresh clothes I'm thankful to see that the bathroom across the hall is open. Taking a much needed shower I feel myself start to relax as the water pours over me. Knowing that sooner or later someone else will be needed this bathroom I hurry out and dry off and change, folding the dirty clothes under my arm and walking back to my room.
Brushing my hair and putting my clothes in a bag I sit back down on the need, looking at the box once more. Preston was in a training session with the younger kids who just shifted and won't be done until well past evening. Sasha was at home and Scott was down visiting Robin once more. Grabbing the box I open it once more, putting the brush aside.
Pulling out the things I already looked through I moved them onto the desk. Looking down inside the box I debated what to pick up next. There was three more big books and a few little knick knacks on the bottom.
Grabbing one of the books I look at the worn front cover.
Johnson Family History.
My breath caught in my throat as I looked at the cover. Quickly grabbing the book that I keep on the bedside table I place the books next to each other. They are the same worn leather binding, flipping the page to the front I see the same portrait, only different men.
The one on the left was Preston's great, great, great, great grandfather, with his birthday and death date. The one of the right was of a man I never met or never even knew of.
His hair was black, and his eyes a deep dark brown. He had some facial hair obscuring his lips and jaw bone. He was big for a guy, muscles rippling in his old fancy clothes. He wasn't smiling, and his eyes looked dead, glazed over. He stood with stiff, tense posture and for a moment it looked like he was floating with arrogance. Looking at the date of the picture I see the same date as Preston's great, great, great, great grandfather. Jameson Johnson 1610- 1710.
This is my father's pack and his history. But my mother said they were rogues.... Flipping to the next page I look over the content. It's just like Preston's book. This was the year the werewolves were created, the high council was made.
A curse or a blessing has fallen upon my family. We are the first of many to change, the first wolf men created. The witch had told the truth, the spell had worked. We know have the hunting skills of a wolf, we know have the strength of a wolf. We are one. To protect our families and help us in war.
The land was dying when Fredrickson, Kent, Nicholas, Cormac, Paterson, and I had gone to the witch to seek help. We had heard of her powers and the dealings she did with the god's and goddesses of the universe. There was one goddess we seek the most. The most feared and most brave of all. The Moon Goddess. The witch had told us she was here on this earth, her children the hunter of man, wolf children.
We needed the wolf blood mixed with our own; we needed to be part wolf to help us defend our family and land. But this magic didn't come without a price; we needed the Moon Goddess's approval. With a loyal heart to her and a fond respect we met face to face. The witch had cast a spell on the full moon of the year, down by the lake. Wolves all sorts of sizes were there, lying and waiting for their creator to rise and walk among them.
We were there also, waiting for her to appear. And by the heavens she rose out of the water after the witch had cast the spell, right when the moon was at its highest peak. She rose, strong, tall and magnificent. Never in my life have my eyes ever bestowed such a sight. She spoke to us then, in our minds.
'I know what you seek and I am here to tell you it can be found.' Her voice a whisper in our minds. We wanted to speak to explain and ask questions but something stopped us.
'You must be reborn again and I will help you. For you are loyal men and brave to call upon me. Swear an oath of everlasting love for me and loyalty for me. I see within your hearts your desires and I will grant them with an oath.'
And as if we already knew what to do we bowed to her, all saying the same thing. 'My loyalty and respect lies with our Luna, our Goddess, and our Mother. Shall we ever trespass against her may our lives be cursed and our bond with thee broken, may we forever be miserable with all our days. We lay down our life and our love for thee.'
We didn't see the sacrifice the six alpha's that gathered there that night had made. We didn't see them offer their life until the ceremony was over. The Moon Goddess had killed her sons so that we may be one. She drew their blood and breath from their bodies and with a kiss to each of us she breathed their life force into our beings. She gave us their blood to drink so that their blood now runs through our veins.
'It is done. You are now my sons and I will be with you forever. You are the first of many of my children may the man and the wolf forever be entwined. You are my high council that will set the laws that I have proclaimed. Watch over my children.' That is the last thing she told us.
Six white wolves stood beside her, ghosts as they bowed to us and with a blinding light they had disappeared. The witch was gone when we looked up. Standing up we notice all the wolves that were gathered by the lake bow to us. A bond instantly made, they would protect us and we will forever be allied to them.
It wasn't until the next full moon that the shift was made. We stood as man before the moon but a moment later we transformed into the wolves. We were larger than others, our power emanating from us. Our day of rule had started.
I stop reading my eyes wide. I look back at Preston's book. I had skipped the first chapter because I didn't have the patience to really read it. But going back now I scan the pages and realize it's the same encounter as Jameson's.
I know understood how werewolves were made... weird yet in a way mesmerizing. Why didn't they talk of a Goddess now?
Going back to the book I continue to read, only putting it down once and that was for dinner. The book was just like Preston's talking about making rules and the laws and destroying those who threatened their land and families.
It was weird reading it in my great, great, great, great grandfather's point of view. With Preston's his was pure and strong and spoke of nothing other than equality. With Jameson he was cruel and superior. Now that he was a werewolf he felt entitled over other humans. His power slowly poisoning him. I felt it in his writing, something dark was going on and all he wanted was power.
Biting my lip I look at the clock, it was already twelve at night. Sighing I close the book after putting a book mark in the page I slid down the bed, my eyes feeling heavy as I let my body relax into the mattress. I was out before I had time to think.
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A\/N: How's that for original on how werewolves came to be? This was the chapter that started it all... well half of it anyways but the werewolf part that was my thought on the werewolf side. I wasn't going to have her love interest be a werewolf but then this popped in my head along with how hard she grew up and didn't trust guys... so I figured I would mix the two together and BOOM this happened!!! Thoughts?
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