August 18th,2009
"Hand me that hydrant wrench." Jay asked and I nodded handing him the cold metal tool with my bare hands. "And get your gloves on." He added and I rolled my eyes,slipping them on so I was in complete turnout gear. Most of the time he was a complete stickler for safety,more so than usual firefighters but only for me,for him anything was allowed and there was no possible way he could be harmed.Finished reloading the engine he closed the hatch by rolling it down like a miniature garage door.
Jay had been hired onto the department a month following the interview and things finally started to go our way. While working on his shift I often came and helped them. Today was a rainy day one of those days where it rained so hard that your turnouts gained what felt like twenty pounds of water weight and created puddles in the bay where rain droplets rolled off the engine and collected onto the floor like lakes at the end of a river.
We had just returned from a car accident call where a car had hydro planed from its lane into another going an opposite direction,creating a two-car accident. At the return,Jay and to reset and organize all the equipment being the newest firefighter in the house he got all the less desirable jobs.
"It's funny." He spoke walking back into the coat room and removing his turnouts along with me. "I've trained for so long to be a firefighter and now that I am,I'm scrubbing toilets." I knew it was a joke but it made me smile.
"Cleanest damn firehouse toilets in the state."
"You bet." He smiled bumping my arm and hanging his helmet returning with me to the living quarters of the fire house. About half of the men were working out in the weight room and the other half was sitting in the living area,watching hockey.
"How's the baby?" One of them asked ,Anderson I believe,hearing us walking in still staring at the T.V. Screen.
"Fine." I replied picking up the broom and handing it to Jay with a smile he smiled back sarcastically beginning to work on sweeping the kitchen tile.
"When are you going to stop working? Ya know,maternity leave or whatever?" Anderson wondered and I shrugged.
"Until I can't go longer than twenty minutes without peeing I guess." I teased and all the men chuckled most of them had children of their own and knew what the pregnant situation was like.
Engine 28 Rescue 5 report to Structure fire 2234 E. Brookner Drive.
The alarm blared and the radio called and Jay dropped the broom,kissing my cheek quickly. Leaving for the bay.
"Chief?" I asked as he passed and he put his hand out as if directing a car in traffic to stop.
"Stay here on this one,Tyler." I nodded a little disappointed I didn't get to go and they all left leaving me alone at the station to myself. Waiting in silence for a moment,I sighed picking the broom back up where Jay had left it and find he'd sweeping the kitchen floor,dumping the dust into the trash bin under the sink.
After sweeping the floor,I wiped the counters cleaning things here and there making Jay's job easier all around. One of the men in a hurry had dropped the remote onto the floor and I bent down to pick it up,standing. Before I had straitened all the way,a searing pain shot through my abdomen and I gasped,dropping to my knees on the ground. It felt as if someone had heated a metal spear and pushed it through my waist.
"Jay." I gasped eyes watering from the intensity of it. Dropping the remote and grasping into the couch trying to stand, I realized I couldn't,crawling on all fours trying to reach the bathroom. A warm wetness ran down my legs and I made it to the bathroom leaning against the cupboard doors. I gasped holding my stomach. I held a hand to my thigh,pulling it away a bloody hand meeting my gaze.
Sobbing loudly I wiped it ferociously on my pants shaking my head. The worst thoughts coming to my head.
"No,no,no,no." I mumbled running my hand on my leg as more blood pooled around my legs. "Not my baby. You can't take my baby." I sobbed knowing something was very wrong. I cried silently not knowing what to do in the bathroom of the firehouse until I ended up calling Jay hoping he would pick up even on call. He didn't.
They didn't return for what felt like another few hours and by that time I had lost so much blood I felt almost sleepy leaning against the cabinets repeating the few words over and over.
"Not my baby. Not my baby. Not my baby." I mumbled as footsteps crashed through the hall. The instant the men saw the blood on the ground,Jay called my name.
"Sky! Sky!" He yelled and I called weakly so quiet I'm sure he couldn't hear me.
"Jay." I called weakly and he searched every room until finding the door to the women's bathroom. The door flew open and he saw me on the floor. I stared up at him with watery eyes and sighed. "Not my baby. They can't take my baby."
He instantly knelt next to me. And assessed the situation,scooping me up bridal style completely ignoring the fact that blood seeped into his uniform shirt contaminating the dark fabric like when I got cake on his blues at our wedding I wondered if I would ruin every one of his uniforms by the time he retired.
"Not my baby." I sobbed and he shook his head bursting through the bathroom doors.
"It's going to be fine,nothing is going to happen to your baby." He reassured as the other men ran ahead of him opening the door so Jay could bring me to the car.
"Chief?" He asked an the chief nodded.
"Tyler,Go I'll call Conners he can cover your shift." Jay nodded thankfully and set me in the passenger seat. He buckled my seat belt and I curled in a ball weakly against the window as he drove.
"Jay...something is wrong." I sighed weakly looking over at him eyes red and swollen. "I know,I can feel it." I sobbed running a hand over my stomach.
"Your okay,just hold on we're at the hospital in five minutes tops." He called and I nodded slowly. "You are the strongest woman I know hang in there."
We reached the hospital soon after that and he carried me to the emergency room,my eyes fluttered dangerously,getting more tired by the second.
"I need a doctor!" I heard him call just before I passed out. "A Twenty one year old female about four months pregnant. She has been bleeding for at least an hour. Please save my wife." He insisted and I mumbled on the edge on consciousness.
"Don't forget my baby." Jay took my hand and I blacked out.
"You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are blue." A deep voice sang. As I woke blinking back the sudden brightness.
"It's grey,smart-ass." I sighed weakly.
"What?"
"Grey skies. and your tone deaf." I replied wittily.
"Sorry it's hard to sing when I can only breath through half of my nose." Jay teased back and I closed my eyes chucking a little. "How're you feeling?" He asked and I shrugged eyes still closed.
"I'm...okay."I replied tiredly I was just so tired,knowing it was probably the medicine.
"You look great." He piped earning and ever so soft slap on the arm like a newborn kitten taking its first step,really,it was pathetic.
"It's gone huh?" I asked softly and he took my hand,it was so warm. "It's really gone."
"Yeah. The baby is gone." He confirmed solemnly. He held my hand in silence for a sad-sweet moment.
"Ok." I said softly expecting to cry or scream or something but just feeling a peacefulness wash over me. My voice sounded like the soft scrape of leaves over concrete sidewalk in the fall when they were all crispy and Brown. He squeezed my hand and I sighed. "Can I go outside?"
"Sky,you need to rest."
"Please?" I Pleaded wanting fresh air,the white walls of the hospital strangling me cling in every second,the over air conditioned room freezing my toes and fingers. Jay leaned in close as if consoling a small child.
"Tell you what,you take a quick nap and the moment you wake up well go outside."
"Promise?" I croaked and he smiled.
"Promise."
"Okay." I sighed closing my eyes and falling back asleep.
The next moment I woke up I felt a little stronger a bit more energy restored but not yet a full battery charge. And I was shocked to see the room empty Jay was nowhere to be seen. One young nurse walked by my room and I called her.
"Excuse me!" The nurse stopped in her tracks and backtracked,entering my room.
"Can I help you?"
"Yes,um,my husband Jay Tyler have you seen him?"
"Tyler...hmm." She thought trying to recall the face to match wth the name. "About six foot one hundred blue eyes blonde hair dashing firefighter?" She wondered a dreamy expression fogging over her pretty face. "With a little scar above his brow here?" She motioned swiping her brow.
"Yes." I replied flatly,unimpressed, hoping to break her out of her dreamish faze I hated it when I saw other women drool over him or shoot jealous glanced when we went out Jay was oblivious to it all but I saw everything he had no idea.
"Actually Yes,I saw him going to the cafeteria but looked like he was on his way up."
"Thank you." I thanked almost on cue as he walked in with a plate of salad and a bottle of water.
"Oh sorry,I meant to be back before you woke up,I thought you might be hungry." He blushed as he apologized and I only smiled hoping he didn't feel too guilty.
"Thank you." He handed me the salad and I took probably two bites and one drink of water before I was full. "Were you serious about going outside? I need fresh air." He nodded.
"Of course,just as you finish your salad."
"Jay..." I groaned.
"We're not going anywhere until you eat up,you need your strength."
"I'll probably throw up on your shirt,your last shirt that I haven't actually destroyed." I countered and he shrugged.
"Alright,fair enough. Come on love." He grunted scooping me up with a blanket so I'll be fully covered when he lifted me up,hospital gowns not as modest as they once were, carrying me out of my room and out to the front lawn of the hospital.
It was a bit warm with the blanket and Jay's body heat but the hospital was always too cold and the sun felt good on my bare toes. We sat on a bench, Jay holding me like a baby staring at the road and lovely people walking around some people getting strolled by in wheelchairs,I rested my heavy head on his chest as he held my cold hands.
"Want me to sing to you?" He teased and I laughed weakly.
"Please no. I'll pay you not to."
"In that case...you are my sunshine."
"Jay no please."
"My only sunshine."
"So help me--"
"You make me happy."
"One more line..." I threatened as he continued.
"When skies are blue."
"Grey." I corrected.
"You'll never know dear,how much I love you..." He sang horribly until I interrupted softly.
"Please don't take my baby away..." My words were soft but brought my first slow tear to my eye and Jay frowned.
"Sky." He sighed softly stroking my cheek. I nuzzled his hand with my cheek sadly. "We're okay. We were happy before and we can be happy after." I nodded and I asked what had really been in the back of my mind since I woke up that first day in the hospital.
"If God is real then why would he give us a baby and then kill it?" My sad tone almost turned bitter as I pondered the question and Jay as always had a thoughtful and wise response.
"God has plans for everyone,only he knows,this can make us stronger." I nodded,still not buying what he saw in all this religious heaven stuff and we spent a bit longer outside until we had to go back to the suffocating hospital room.
Back to the harsh reality of what was happening. I couldn't get pregnant and then I did. After I did,I lost the baby which made me sick and had the power to take my life with it but failed. That wasn't the only failure I felt. I felt I had failed Jay again,failed to give him the family he dreamed of and failed to give him his angel,his miracle baby. We were doing everything right why did something so horrible return the favor?
"We can always try again." My love suggested cheerfully as I laid returned to my prison grave-like bed.
"Maybe." I sighed emotions truly deflated.
"Or adopt. I am always open to that."
"Maybe." I repeated again staring out the window at a small family riding bikes together beside the road.
"Just think about it okay?" He pleaded with those puppy blue eyes that I couldn't see but could feel gazing down at me.
"Ok." I felt his warm hand over my cold hand and I closed my eyes not wanting to witness the happy little family I was forced to stare at until they were out of sight. Out of sight but not out of mind.