I underwent such filth and angst.. Just staring at the small box on the nightstand gave me enough sense of what a body coated in scum would feel like, although I was not experiencing the torment at the exact time. But not only did I feel treacherous physically, my mind felt dirty, too. I felt like I had unwillingly given up a sacred part of me just looking at the blue and black box. Its messages of sublimity was just enough to make me cross my legs in disgust.
Condoms.
I did not order them. They were delivered to me because I required them. Not all of the people who got in bed with me brought them. It was like it was my fault that I had to have them. If only I knew what I had signed up for. I... Felt the true nature of what a Doll was.
My perception of sex before I became a model was a view I did not care for. I never found a need for it. If I were asked about it without an excuse, I would say just that. If I wanted to do such a thing, I would do it if I wanted to, and I would do it with who I chose.
I did not get to chose then. My sexual partners were chosen for me.
Men, women - the choice was not up to me.
They never even asked which I preferred, although my answer didn't exactly meet their doable standards. I wanted someone I loved, not an anon who I did not know. The only thing I ever knew about them was that they were tested and would not make me sick... but they did not love me.
I yearned I just stopped caring about the whole subject in general, and I did for a long time. In fact, for such a long time that I began to misinterpret its meaning. Sex then was just a thing like hugging or kissing and love was just a thing like fairies and dragons.
So... the gloves... The godforsaken gloves... I began to loathe anything that brought me to this extent of vulnerability. Every time I looked at the box, I saw a box full of nightmares where men and women whispered hushed, horrid plans to deepen my scars.
Every time I have to think deeper into these memories to remind you, I feel like I am finally giving my vulnerability and truest bareness to the right person.