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Deep Dark Fears: Magpalit-palit ko ang mga pangalan nang characters. That I have to go back and change all my mistakes.
600 reads kaagad? Yes!
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"Go on" nakatayo si Drix habang naka sandal sa frame nang pintuan. Kakagising ko lang at heto na sya kagad nangungulit. Buti na lang at dalawa ang kwarto dito sa cottage nila Rossi dahil di talaga ako papayag na matulog kasama ito.
Sumangot ako sa kanya at nag talukbong ulit. Lumapit sya sa akin at hinila ang kumot habang pinipilit na tumayo ako. Isang kamay nya ay nakahawak sa bewang ko at ang isa naman ay nakahawak sa kaliwang forearm ko. He gave me a good tug, at napasubsob ako sa kanya. Red-faced, I pushed him and reluctantly stood up.
"Oh ayan na. Ano ba kasi yun?" naiiritang tanong ko at padabog na pumunta sa may sala. Nakita ko si Manang na nagluluto. I gave her a small smile before turning back to Drix na nakasandal ulit sa frame nang pintuan ko. One story lang ang bahay at dikit dikit ang mga features nito.
May towel na nakasampay sa balikat nya at gaya ko ay gulo-gulo din ang buhok. "You know that song that you used to sing all the time." ngumuso ako at tinitigan syang mabuti. "the one that goes hmmm...hmm..."
"Yeah. That helps" sumimangot sya at lumapit sa akin, magkaharap na kami ngayon sa lamesa. Nakadantay ang mukha ko sa kamay ko na nakapatong sa lamesa. Narinig kong umalis si Manang dahil sa pagbukas at pagsara nang pintuan. "tadhana?" I suggested. Umiling sya. "hmm...leron leron sinta?"
"Nah, forget it" naiirita nyang sagot. Dinukdok ko ang mukha ko sa lamesa dahil sa antok. "Oy"
"hmm?"
"I'll leave you here for about an hour or two. Love, Don't be stupid." sabi nya tumayo dere-deretso sa dulo nang hallway kung saan nand'on ang bathroom. Kaya pala may bitbit na twalya. Maya-maya pa ay dumating si manang at pinaghain na ako. Lumabas si Drix na nakabihis na at basa pa ang buhok.
"Di ka na kakain?" I asked. Umiling lang sya at lumapit sa akin. He gave the top of my head a peck and he left. Hindi naman sa kinikilig ako ah, pero kinikilig ako. Napansin siguro ni manang ang pamumula nang mukha ko dahil lumapit sya sa akin at nilagay ang likod nang kamay nya sa noo ko.
"O-okay lang po ako" I awkwardly said and continued eating. "Kain na rin po kayo" she smiled and pulled the chair across from me.
"Hindi na iha, nauna na ako" we stayed there quietly. Ako kumakain habang si manang naman ay nakatingin sa akin. I didn't had the chance to talk to her before, so I don't know what shes like, but judging by her looks she looks about the same age as my grandma on my mother's side. She's been around for a long time, maybe I can ask her for advice about the problem I've been pondering ever since I got here.
"Iha, hindi ko maiwasang itanong kung nagtanan ba kayo?" I sheepishly nodded, mukhang di ko na sya kailangan pang tanungin since na sense nya na ang pagkaalangan ko. "Mukhang bata pa kayo ah? Ilan taon ka na ba apo?"
"Se-seventeen po." came my timid response. She heaved a sigh and reached a hand to cover mine.
"Ang pagaasawa ay hindi laro apo. Sana alam nyo ni iho na pinaghahandaan ito nang matagal. Alam ko na pareho nyong gusto ang isa't isa, pero paano pag gising nyo isang umaga, ayaw nyo na sa isa't isa? Ngayon na tinalikuran nyo na ang lahat, wala na kayong babalikan pa." Nabitawan ko ang kutsara at unti-unting humikbi, lumapit sa akin si manang at hinimas ang likod ko. "Hindi ko sinasabing huwag nyong ituloy, pinapaalalahanan lang kita apo sa mga pwedeng mangyari sa kinabukasan ninyo" I slowly nodded because I know she's right.
I didn't finish my food and just help to wash up. Bumalik ako sa kwarto ko at tumitig sa malaking bintana, over-looking the isolated part of the bushland outside.
Kung tutuusin, ilang lingo pa lang ang nakaraan simula nang nagconfess kami sa isa't-isa. Paano kung ang pagtanan naming ito at spurr of the moment lang? One of the impulsive decisions Drix made? Paano kung di naman pala nya talaga ako mahal at gusto nya lang tumakas sa kasal at ginawa nya akong dahilan? Pero, after all these years. Ngayon pa ba sya magbabago? I don't think so. However, I still can't ignore the fear in my heart, tatalikuran ko si mama at papa. Can I bare the disappointed look on their faces once I told them na nagpakasal ako nang maaga? I don't think so. Pero hindi ko rin siguro kayang makita si Drix na may kasamang iba. May iba na syang tatawagin na 'Love'?
My heart clenched at that thought. Humiga ako sa kama at nagtalukbong nang kumot.
Kailangan na naming magdesisyon. Alam kong sigurado na si Drix, he's always one step ahead. Pero ako ba? Kaya ko na?
Nagising ako sa dagundong nang mga paa na pumasok sa may sala. Di ko namalaya na katulog pala ako kakaiyak at magang-maga ang mukha. Sincem dikit na dikit ang features nang bahay, kahit anong kaluskos sa kahit saan mang lupalop nang bahay ay dinig na dinig nang lahat. I shot up when I heard Rossi's Voice.
"Di ko po alam" nanginig ako sa kinauupuan ko nang marinig ko ang boses ni mama.
"Sige nanaman Rossi, nasan na ba sila?" tumulo ang luha ko sa sinabi ni mama. Her voice is hoarse at halatang pagod na pagod na. Magdadalawang araw pa lamang kami dito ni Drix at nakita na nila kami agad. I pressed my ear near the door to listen for Drix's voice pero wala akong narinig.
Hindi ko na kinaya at tumayo ako. Alam kong nandito sila Tita Carlie, Tito Micheal at mama. It's torturous as I know once I show myself to them ay hinding hindi na nila kami paglalapitin pa ni Drix. Pero tama sila, we're too young. At ang plano nila para kay Drix ay importante para sa kinabukasan at ikalalago nang kompanya nila. Sino ba ako para pigilan ito? How can I jeopardise such milestone for their company, a company that Drix' family has been working for years, even before I was born.
Napatayo si mama sa kinauupuan nya nang makita ako. Nakita ko si Rossi na namumula ang mata at nakatingin sa akin. Her eyes widened and face disappointed. Pinaupo ako ni mama sa tabi nya at ni Tita Carlie sa mahabang rattan na upuan. Sa harap naming ay nakaupo si Rossi, habang si Tito Micheal naman ay nakatayo malapit sa pintuan.
I'm too scared to look at any of them. Nakatingin lang ako sa kandungan ko habang humihikbi at ang mga luha ay naguunahang bumagsak sa mga kamay ko. Alam kong disappointed sila sa ginawa naming and I know na hindi na nila kami o ako pag kakatiwalaan kahit kalian.
"Anak, ayos ka lang di ba?" my mum asked full of concern in her eyes. I nodded timidly and she embraced me. "Nasan na si Drix? Kasama mo ba sya dito?"
I nodded.
"Nasan na sya anak? Uwi na tayo ah? Hinahanap ka na sa school. Lahat kami ay nagaalala sa inyong dalawa." I cried harder and she hugged me tighter. Narinig ko ang mahinang paghikbi ni Rossi sa harap namin. I feel so sorry that she has to be part of all these mess.
"H-h-hindi ko po alam" I answered in between sobs.
"Umalis ba sya?" my mum asked in a calm tone. Naramdaman kong hinihimas din ni Tita Carlie ang likod ko. I nodded. I jumped when Tito Micheal said something.
"I guess kailangan natin syang hintayin. Rossi, gaano kalayo dito ang pinakamalapit na mall?"
"Mga isang oras at kalahati pop ag nagdrive." Mahinang sabi ni Rossi. I heard tito Micheal pace back and forth.
"Llaine, alam kong mabait kang bata at nakakabuti ka kay Drix. Pero iha, ang kasunduan na ito ay matagal nang kasado." He paused. "I'm rather disappointed and displeased na sinubukan nyong magtanan. So I hope this serves as an example, please stop all your communication with Drix. We'll be leaving as soon as we can." I gripped my shirt tightly and tried not to sob harder and become a blabbering mess.
I can't do that! Buong buhay ko nandyan lang si Drix sa tabi ko, tapos all of the sudden mawawala sya? I can't. I just can't.
Nabasa ang katahimikan nang makarinig kami nang ugong nang sasakyan mula sa labas. I;ve been praying na sana di na dumatign si Drix. Na sana katulad na lang ulit kami kahapon, magkatabi and contented with each other's company. I heard the door swin open, tumingin ako sa direksyon nito at nakita ko si Drix bitbit ang ilang plastic na ngayon ay nakikipagtitigan sa tatay nya. Binitawan nya bigla ang plastic ang frantically scanned the room.
When our eyes met nakita nya ang situasyon ko. Mukha siguro akong nakakaawa at nakita ko kung paano sya nanlumo.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" tanong nya sa tatay nya.
Narinig kong bumunting hininga si tita Carlie sa tabi ko, "Drix--" she tried to calm Drix down.
"No!" Drix roared, "All my life you've been controlling what I do, what I should want, what should I aim for. But this time. No. Fuck no."
Nakita ko kung paano nagdilim ang mukha ni Tito Micheal. I can hear mama and Tita Carlie's sob at maging si Rossi ay umiiyak na rin. All these tears and hurt are all caused by me. By the selfish me.
"Drix, stop" he looked at me incredulously. "Can't you see? Everyone is hurting because of us. Tama na Drix, wala na. Tapos na." I sobbed. Everyone's startled when Drix punched and kicked the door.
"You did the right thing Lliane, thank you" I heard Tita Carlie whisper in my ear.
"Give me time with her. I need to talk to her" Drix said, I can see tears in his eyes but he's trying so hard not to let them fall. Nagkatingin ang mga matatanda sa kwarto at unti-unti silang tumayo. Tumayo din si Rossi and all of them start tot walk towards the door.
"Don't do anything stupid"narinig kong banta ni Tito Micheal kay Drix. Drix slammed the door shut once all of them has left.
Lumapit sya sa akin at niyakap ako nang mahigpit. Kneeling in front of me, he took hold of my hands and kissed them. "No Love, I can make this work. Just give me time, I can fix it." Drix said like a prayer. My heart shattered as I watch his tears stream down his soft cheeks. I want to wipe them away, but his grip in my hands is so strong.
"Drix no tama na." I said in between sobs. "Hindi pa nga tayo nakakatagal dito ay nahanap nila tayo kaagad. Wala na Love, wala na." I said. I can see how his eyes brighten a little bit when I used his endearment for me. Umiling sya at may sasabihin pa sana, but I cut him off, "Being love is such as bliss, you're fortunate enough to have someone that requite that love. Because I do, but we can't pour everything we have for the sake of love. What if one day, you wake up at the other side of the bed and you come to your senses, realising that you lost yourself as a whole for you have spent and poured it all?"
"You know that will never happen, all these years I tried to forget, to replace you in my heart! When you caught me with anothen woman before, I felt disgusted with myself and until now I still haven't forgiven myself. You see, my love for you runs deep. All I want from you is to trust me, that I can fix it." he argued and met my gaze.
"What's there to fix when everything's broken Love?" I paused, trying to compose myself. "Bata pa tayo, maybe you might actually like the girl they're going to set you up with! Hindi naman pipili yan sila tito nang kung sino-sino lang."
"But you're the one the I want" he whispered at dinantay ang noo nya sa noo ko. "Please hear me Love, I don't think i can live away from you. No one can tame me except you. I'll lose my sanity, I'll lose my will to live. Please Love, hear me."
All the moisture in my body tries to squeeze themselves out of my eyes. I feel light headed and the whole room swirl. I can fee Drix's distress faced calling my name, before everything turned to darkness.
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Wow, longest chapter yet.