© 2013 Sandra Corton
Journal entry 2 Book 2
My journal hasn’t reappeared. I thought if he had taken it, then maybe while he was staying here he would return it. Maybe I was wrong in thinking that he had taken it to begin with.
He has been so nice to me these last few days. Never has he spent so much time with me as what he had recently. The only annoying thing was he kept pestering me to tell him who has been mean to me but I keep quiet. I know it bothers him, he feels like he can’t trust his friends anymore and I feel bad about it.
I don’t know why but I never feel as anxious when he’s around me. Something about Zach makes me feel all warm inside and secure. It’s been such a long time since I felt that good, that in a way I felt guilty for it.
The anxiety is still always there but it is engulfed in the very positive essence that is Zach. I do know one thing though, if it was Zach that took my first journal then I’m going to have to keep this one well hidden. I was writing far too much about him in here.
Chapter 4
Zach’s parents were coming home today and he wasn’t looking forward to it. He had enjoyed being here with Emily so much that he never wanted to go home. Glut had been bothering him though for getting closer to her, especially due to her journal still being hidden at his house.
The rest of him was immensely happy with how she had opened up to him, even the tiniest bit. She still hadn’t said anything or smiled for that matter but she had been a little more approachable than normal.
He saw her out wandering through the back gardens and he decided to take advantage of it. He watched as her blonde hair blew in the breeze and let out a sigh. He was turning into such a bloody stalker! He couldn’t help it though.
There was something about her that was endearing but mysterious that always kept his attention. He liked her so much even though he still felt like he hardly knew her. Maybe that was why he found her so enticing.
“Hey Em!” He called out as she was about to disappear into the woods beside her house. She turned to him with a frown, her thoughts obviously a million miles away. She tilted her head to the side which he took to mean ‘what are you doing here?’
“I saw you walking and you know I’m going home today so um I wanted to talk to you before I left.” He said as he scratched a hand behind his neck.
He thought he was dreaming when the tiniest smile lit her lips, however briefly. He felt his whole chest fill with warmth at just that small but significant gesture. She had smiled at him. The first time he had seen her smile since he had first met her over two years ago. He had never felt so privileged than in that one moment.
She waved a hand in the direction of far deeper into the woods before leading the way. Zach was thankful for having put sneakers on when what he thought what would be a small walk, became an almost hike. She led him into a wonderland.
From the birds calling out in their melodious voices to the gentle whisper of the wind through the huge gum trees, he felt contentment. He was surprised when the bush suddenly opened into a huge meadow dotted here and there by flowering shrubs.
Sun beamed down on the still dew covered grass making everything sparkle with an ethereal light. He could hear a rushing creek back amongst the trees. He caught his breath at the beauty of the wilderness that surrounded him as well as the beauty of the girl in front of him.
Emily headed straight to what seemed to be a bunch of dead wood. He gasped when he realised it was actually a small, well-constructed building. Somehow the small wooden structure upon closer inspection seemed dry and comfortable.
Inside he found the true essence of Emily. There were abstract paintings that seemed mood reflective on the walls, a comfy old couch and against the wall was a large stack of notebooks. They must have been filled with all the stories he had seen her write over the years. They were all covered in plastic and stacked neatly on a shelf off the ground.
Emily stared at Zach apprehensively. Was it the right thing to do bringing him here? This was her sanctuary away from the world and she was worried about Zach being here.
When they had first moved she had needed a space that was her own. The large, rather posh house had never once felt like hers so she had gone exploring and found this meadow.
Her father had been a builder by trade and she had learnt much from him before his death. He would often take her into work with him and she had relished every minute she had spent with him.
In a way she felt like she had been returning her father to her life by building this little hut. She had asked her Mum and Thomas for all the tools she had needed. They had been surprised by her enthusiasm but hadn’t questioned why. So one weekend she came out here with a builder that Thomas had hired. She built her own, slightly lopsided but still very sturdy hut.
She took a deep breath and turned to see a look of amazement on Zach’s face. She wasn’t sure if he would understand if she tried to explain about the building, not that she ever really talked to him.
“How did you get this out here?” He asked as he stared around and she shrugged, a tiny blush spreading across her cheeks “Are you trying to tell me that you built this?” His voice rose with excitement as she slowly nodded “Wow Em this is great.” He said with a broad grin as he looked around with keen eyes.
She plonked herself on the floor and went through her backpack. She had finished another story and had come out here to add it to the hugely growing collection she had. Writing was one of her only outlets for coping with her panic and anxiety. Even her guilt she could smother with words and characters as her stories unfolded.
She pulled out the scuffed up notebook and prepared to add it to the collection when Zach reached for it. She kept her fingers tightly holding it while he sent her an encouraging smile. Their eyes met and the confidence along with the curiosity in his eyes gripped her.
“Please Em. I’ve spent all this time watching you write and I would really like to read it.” He said hopefully.
Her grip never once relaxed but she thought it over seriously. Was she ready to hand over such an important part of her world to him? Did she trust him to keep it safe and away from his friends? She tugged on her end and he reluctantly let the book go.
His eyes stayed on the book in her hands feeling disappointed. He watched as she sorted through the pile until a triumphant expression appeared on her face. She pulled out the most tattered of all the notebooks in the pile.
“You have to start at the beginning.” She whispered so faintly that he was surprised he had actually heard it.
He wanted to jump up and down with excitement. She had spoken to him. Yes it was barely above a whisper but she had meant the words for him. He felt like he was finally making the tiniest amount of progress with her and it thrilled him.
“Okay.” He replied simply.
She handed him the notebook and his eyebrows rose. Could this day get any better? She was going to let him read her story. He now felt even guiltier for taking the journal when she was giving him her notebook with such ease. She was starting to trust him and he was afraid that when he returned her journal, all this hard work would be for nothing.
“I promise I won’t let anyone else read it.” He assured her.
He peered into her eyes while she stared at him in shock. How did he know her so well? Sometimes he would say things that amazed her. She just couldn’t understand why he seemed so interested in knowing about her. She had problems unlike anything she was sure he had ever had. Yet he was always able to say the right things to her.
“Thanks for bringing me out here Em. You’re always such a puzzle to me and you know what? Now I have solved the smallest piece of the puzzle that is you.” He told her as he smiled so softly and warmly at her.
He reached out a hand to smooth along her arm and she felt goose bumps leap onto her skin with that tiniest touch. Her heart started pounding and she felt her cheeks go even redder as his fingers threaded through hers.
“Trust me I would never do anything to hurt you.” He said honestly as he pulled their clasped hands straight to his heart.
For a moment she was still, his beautiful brown eyes melting her where she was. The culmination of the last hour then caught up with her and she felt a hit of panic in her chest. She didn’t deserve his trust. She was not a good person.
In an instant she was up and gone from her tiny hut where she had always felt so safe. He was wrong, she wasn’t a puzzle to solve instead she was a mess that needed cleaning, to be wiped away and never grace this world again. Zach called after her but she kept running away. She didn’t deserve to be treated as nicely as he kept treating her.
“Emily wait, please wait!” His voice called from behind her, far closer than she had ever thought he could be “I’m sorry, whatever I said to upset you, I’m sorry for it okay.”
She stopped at that and turned to face him. How could she get through to him that she was the problem here? He had been nothing but kind. Never had he done anything he should be sorry for. She was the one that was sorry. She felt as though she had corrupted an innocent soul by making him be with her so much.
“Are you alright Emily?” He asked gently as he reached out to touch her hand.
She flinched away, regretting it instantly when she saw the hurt look in his eyes. She tried to steady her breathing, forcing her body to cooperate but this time it didn’t work. She had hoped her anxiety was becoming a bit more controlled but in that instant she realised how wrong she was.
Memories of that night engulfed her. The screeching metal, her own uncontrollable screams and her father’s voice hoarse through the heart attack that throbbed through him. She had cried hysterically when she saw the blood pooled on the dash and the steering wheel. If only he hadn’t come to pick her up. He would still be alive if it wasn’t for her.
Sobs racked her body and Zach couldn’t understand what he had said to upset her this much. He felt a bit panicked with a desperate need to be out of here. He knew that he couldn’t abandon her when she was so upset. Instead he pulled her into his arms and held her, letting her release whatever was bothering her. He made soothing noises as her cries gradually became small hiccups.
Emily came back to her surroundings and realised she was in the middle of the bush with nothing that looked familiar. She gulped in some air as warmth surrounded her. The constriction on her chest eased and she was finally able to breathe. The anxiety lessened the intense grip it had on her body as exhaustion threatened.
“I’m so sorry Em, really I am.” She heard a worried voice say repeatedly.
She turned to face them and noticed a distressed looking Zach. She felt terrible for how badly he seemed to be feeling. Nothing that had happened was his fault, nor would it ever be. Like always, this was her problem.
She shook her head at him and pulled out of his embrace. Her body kept shaking as she felt cold without his warm arms but she forced herself to keep moving. She could hear him following her out of the bush but he never said anything else.
She went straight to her room. She shut out the world and turned to her writing like normal. It contained the soothing problems of characters that she could solve, unlike real life. This time though her mind refused to cooperate. No words flowed through to her pen; instead her mind was completely occupied with thoughts of Zach.
After a frustrating hour of nothing she threw her pen across the room. It hit the door and bounced off. With a gasp she realised it was her refillable pen that her father had given her. She jumped off the bed, ran across the room and picked it up. She let out a raw cry as she noticed a crack in the casing. Why did she always manage to ruin anything that was good in her life?
She slumped against the doorway and stared at the ruined pen. She wanted to scream with rage and anguish but the pain simply throbbed through her keeping her anger at herself inside. Why was she such a bad influence in her own life? She just couldn’t do anything right.
A soft knock at the door startled her and she leapt away. She stared at the wood grain of the door as she clutched at her pounding heart. Her fingers tightened around her pen as she tried to push the feelings of devastation aside.
She had destroyed something her father had given her, something very special. He had always known how much she enjoyed writing. He had bought her this pen for her tenth birthday and her Mum had kept up with refills for it all these years. Now she had broken it, just like everything else in her life.
“Em? Hey listen I’m going home now.” Zach’s unsteady voice came through the door.
His deep voice made her stomach twist unexpectedly. She quickly opened her door so she could face him. He looked at her with both surprise and guilt flashing on his face.
“Look I’m really sorry about what happened earlier.” He started but Emily shook her head at him firmly, knowing she couldn’t explain that he did nothing wrong
“I wanted to invite you to my birthday party next weekend. Before you say no like you do every year, just listen. Please come over. I always seem to be here with your family and you know…. Well I’d like you to come over.” Zach finished awkwardly while shuffling his feet.
Emily felt her heart go out to him. It was true she had refused to go to his birthday in the previous years. She had been worried how his friends would react to her being there. This week though she had realised there was only really one of his friends that was ever mean to her and that was Alyssa.
The others seemed unsure of how to treat her which she understood but they were never mean. Of course they never really defended her if Alyssa started going off. They would tell Alyssa to shush if she was getting too over the top though.
“So yes or no Em?” Zach sucked in a breath and caught her eye with his. She slowly nodded her head and his face split into a broad grin “Thank you!” He shouted as he quickly pulled her in for a hug.
She pushed against him at the suddenness of his embrace. She hadn’t expected it, had been shocked by how quickly he had pulled her off balance. He let her go but the grin never left his face.
“C’mon Zachary let’s go.” Pippa called from downstairs.
“I’m so getting a car soon.” He said on a groan as he gave her a wave and went downstairs.
Emily crept to the edge of the stairs to watch him leave. This visit of his had made the beginning of a new year that much brighter. She knew it had changed the way they would be towards each other. She had to wonder whether it was a good or a bad thing though.
He turned just as he went to go through the huge front doors. He looked straight at her, smiled and waved cheerily. She felt her chest fill with butterflies and for the first time in a long time a small thread of happiness washed through her.
She drifted back to her room, her mind and body filled with nothing but thoughts of Zach. The ringing of the doorbell stopped her and she turned back around with a sense of excitement. Was he back? Had he come back to talk to her? She pulled the door open only to find Alyssa standing at the doorway with a fierce expression on her face. Emily took a quick step back and the other girl just smirked.
“I think we need to have a talk.” Alyssa said snidely as she went to push into the house but Emily stood her ground and refused to move “Right Miss Goth, mute and stupidly wealthy, you need to stay away from Zach. He is my guy. Do you understand me?”
Alyssa pushed a finger into Emily’s collarbone. Emily gulped in a breath as her previous happy butterflies turned to dread. The anxiety returned with a crazy rush and Emily almost fell to her knees as the attack gripped her. She tried to breathe through it but the punch to her insides was all consuming.
“Well I guess you get my message then.” She heard a smug voice say but she could barely focus on it.
“Zach.” The word left Emily’s mouth on a croaky groan and she heard a squeal from beside her.
“You stay away from him!” The voice demanded.
“Who are you and what have you done to my daughter?” Emily heard her Mum’s voice right before everything went blank.
She awoke later in the darkness, her body starting in panic before she recognised her room. She blinked her eyes and a cry escaped her. Everything that had happened that day rushed through her mind, the good and the bad. The one thing that stood out was the pen her father had given her was now broken.
Where was it? What had she done with it when she went to see Zach off home? Apprehension clutched at her as she turned on the light and scrambled around her room. Her fingers finally clutched it and she could sigh in relief as she lifted it off the table next to the door.
She went back to sitting on her bed and mulled through everything else that had gone on that day. She wasn’t sure how she felt about Zach let alone what Alyssa had possibly been trying to achieve. She felt so confused and was glad she didn’t have to return to school for another week or so.
Then the thought of her agreeing to Zach’s party occurred to her and the anxiety returned. She knew she couldn’t go now with the way Alyssa had treated her. Then she remembered the happy look on Zach’s face when she agreed to attend. She didn’t want to disappoint him either but any thought of Alyssa had her shivering with dread.
She never realised that night she hadn’t spent the whole evening with negative emotions threatening her. She hadn’t worried over what her father would still be doing if he was still alive, if she hadn’t caused his death. Instead her mind was filled by a pair of brown eyes and a smile that lit up her world.