MADISONS POV.
My eyes flutter open to the sight of my old room and I twist my head to look at Abbie finally sleeping soundly in my bed. Under her eyes are red and puffy from crying last night. Hours and hours of crying. I began to worry that it would never end. It was horrible watching her breakdown like that, it was like nothing I've ever seen before. I could barely watch.
My back is stiff against the floor of my room. It was a rough sleep but I'm surprised I managed to get any at all, so I'm not complaining. I take a deep breath and wait for grief or sadness to sink in but it doesn't come. I just feel the same empty, hollowness inside me, settling in my stomach this time instead of my chest. It makes me feel sick but I ignore it.
Thoughts of today flood my mind and I try to find something positive to look forward to but I feel like I'm grasping at straws. Last night was just so awful, I need to cheer Abbie up somehow.
I told her about mother's death, probably in more detail than she should know but she deserves to know exactly what happened and why she was out there at all. It's because of me. When I explained this to Abbie, of course she was upset.
She cried for hours in my arms but I definitely wasn't ready for her silence. She hasn't said a word to me after that. I guess she's angry with me that it was my fault. I can't blame her. I'd hate me too.
I'm too embarrased to go downstairs to the mess I've made and to face the group knowing my chaotic behavior last night. I feel like an idiot but it felt good at the time.
I can see the light starting to shine through the gaps in the curtains so I heave myself off the floor and stretch out my stiffened muscles. I leave Abbie to sleep as long as she can and reluctantly walk downstairs.
There are already a few people up, eating what they can and packing bags, getting ready for today. I stand awkwardly in the kitchen doorway.
I clear my throat and Daryl, Rick and Carol look up at me.
"I, um, I'm sorry about last night." I say and everyone just nods their head to accept my apology.
"And Rick, I'm sorry I woke Judith. I hope you got her back to sleep." I add.
"Don't worry about it." He says while making himself breakfast. His response throws me for a second. I was expecting his usual harsh words a judgmental glare.
I sit on a stool oppisite to Rick at the counter and he shoves over a bowl and a box of cereal. I politely decline. I'm not hungry, the hollowness is enough to fill me. It feels heavy on shoulders and no matter how much I squirm, it doesn't move, it won't let go of me. It's powerful and in control and it knows it.
"How are you holdin' up" Rick asks quietly, careful not to wake the others. They must still be in the sitting room.
"Fine." I say too quickly. It sounded rude. I didn't intend it to be. I just don't want to talk about this.
"Abbie had a rough night." I add just to soften the sharp blow.
"She's a kid. She just needs time to get through this." He tells me.
There's so many questions I need to ask him but I just can't right now. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I quickly change the subject.
"Whats on the agenda for today?"
"Well, first we will bury your mother and then we will gather supplies from your house... If thats okay?" He asks.
I feel a burn in my chest when he mentions my mother. It's the hollowness glaring wildly inside me, spreading to my chest like an untamable epidemic.
"Sure, no problem." I mutter.
"And then we'll leave." He finishes.
I nod. Now it's my turn to stare at him suspiciously. Why is Rick acting all nice all of a sudden? Surely it's not sympathy, he doesn't seem to have a nice bone in his body when it comes to me. The feeling of hatred we had between each other was mutual but now he's thrown the whole thing off by being nice to me. It's hard to be a bitch to someone who's being nice to you. I've found that that's just the way me and Rick work. We're equally bitchy to each other.
"So... Where's Carl?" I need to get away from him before he has anymore nice things to say to me. This change of emotion makes me uncomfortable.
Carl is a good distraction from the hollowness, he's chatty and witty. One of those characteristics have to be enough to distract me, even if only for a few minutes.
"I think he's in the sitting room."
"Whats left of it." I mutter under my breath.
I hop off the stool and walk into the sitting room. Carl is asleep on the couch.
His hair is covering his face and with every breath he takes it rises and falls against his face. One of his arms dangle off the side of the couch touching the ground. His mouth is wide open and drool dribbles onto the couch cushion.
Despite everything that has happened I laugh quietly and leave the room to let him sleep. I return to the kitchen and explain to Rick that Carl is asleep.
"Okay, he'll probably be up soon. For now, you need to eat Madison. Why don't you go fix yourself some breakfast." He tells me.
Again, with the niceness and caring.
Ugh!
Maggie and Michonne have joined Daryl at the table. I'm reluctant at first and almost eager to decline his offer but if I can sit at the table it's an excuse to stay and talk, anything to fill the silence.
"Okay"
I move away from the counter and towards the table while pulling out a chair to sit on. I sit next to Michonne while Maggie and Daryl sit across from us. I lean over the table to grab what I need but before I can Michonne hands me a bowl and Maggie passes me a spoon and a cereal.
I sit back down in my seat and pour water into the bowl. I sigh and ignore the irritation inside. I want to snap at them. My hands and feet work just fine. I don't need help!
But I'm trying to be nice considering the mess I made yesterday. So bite my tongue, grit my teeth and keep my mouth shut for once.
I sigh, pissed off and when I look up I meet Daryl's eyes. His lips are turned up at the corners. He must have been watching me unravel and then pull myself together. My poker face isn't as good as I thought it was.
Daryl rolls his eyes and smiles wider.
Not the kinda 'sorry about them' smile, more like 'Ha, sucks to be you bud!' kinda smile. I shake my head and smile with him. It's better to smile than sit in total irritation. Daryl mustn't hate me as much as I thought he did.
"Whats so funny?" Michonne asks.
"Huh? Oh nothing" I chuckle.
I look up to see Maggie and Michonne glance at each other.
"Shall we move onto a different topic?" Maggie asks innocently.
"Yes! Please!" I beg but instantly regret it when Michonne grins cheekily.
"So, Where were you and Carl yesterday?" She asks with a sly smile on her lips.
"What? Nowhere?" I say shocked at the turn of events.
"Oh, come on, Carl won't tell us anything" Maggie complains with her.
I laugh because this is ridiculous.
"Thats because theres nothing to tell."
Daryl gets up nosily from the table. "Nope! I'm out of here!" He grumbles.
I scoop up my cereal with a spoon and slowly bring it to my mouth. The minute I start to chew I want to spit it out. I really can't eat anymore, the hollowness won't let me. I place the spoon back in the bowl.
Maggie groans at me and shakes her head.
"Do you realize how long it's been since any of us had good, fresh gossip?" She complains.
"You say gossip, I say you're borderline obsessive." I roll my eyes.
"Come on pleeeeaasseeee." Michonne digs for more.
"I don't have anything to tell you." I tell them, bored now.
"C'mon, what's going on between you too?"
"Nothing."
"How about this? Do you like him?"
I shrug casually. "He's nice."
Maggie rolls her eyes and tuts.
"Nice? You're giving us nice?" Michonne presses.
"Is he not?"
She hesitates. "No, he is."
"Well then what's the problem?" I smirk.
I can't believe these guys, it's like they never left high school. I've never been but teen 'gossip' is exactly what I heard about in movies.
Just as I'm about to answer, the man himself walks into the kitchen saving me.
"Speak of the devil." Maggie says with a smile, speaking in a whisper so only the three of us girls could hear.
He walks up to the table and sits in Daryl's chair. He pours himself a bowl of cereal.
He's still groggy and his eyes are just about open.
"Well, good morning sleeping beauty." Michonne teases.
Carl rolls his eyes and then looks up at us and notices we're all staring at him.
"What?" He says confused.
"Um, I think you got drool on your chin." I point out.
"Not a little, a lot." Michonne teases.
The two girls laugh at his embarrassed expression and I suppress a smile as he swats with his sleeve to remove it.
When it's gone he shrugs his shoulders, pretending he doesn't care.
Daryl appears in the kitchen doorway again, checking first to see if we've moved on from the uncomfortable topic. I'm just as relieved as him. He makes his way back to the table and sits next to Carl.
"Hey Mads..." He starts.
His hand is outstretched with a bunch of my arrows.
"You, uh, forgot these in the field yesterday. I collected them for you. Cleaned them too." He murmurs while passing them over the table to me.
"Oh! Thank you! I can't believe I forgot them." I shake my head in bewilderment.
"Don't mention it." He nods.
I look over the small group of arrows, counting in my head. Surely I took out more walkers than the number of arrows in my hand.
"Wait, i'm missing some arrows."
"Are you sure these are all that you found?" I ask suspiciously.
I look back up at Daryl but he's looking away. Carl is smiling so I know somethings up.
"Yeah, uh, don't know where they went." He mumbles.
"Daryl?"
"What?"
"I'm not stupid. I know you've had your eyes on them. Give them back." I say, confidently.
"Huh? I donno what your talkin' bout." He lies.
"Come on Daryl."
He doesn't budge. He even lifts his head and looks at me in the eyes but still denies it. Cold.
"Tell you what, if you prove that you're better on your crossbow than I am on my bow- which I don't think you are- you can have an arrow." I make him a deal, winding him up as much as I can.
His jaw sets at my not-so-subtle dig and he nods his head.
"It's a deal." He says handing over the arrows which he had hidden under the table.
No wonder Carl was smiling he must have saw them.
I pick at my cereal for the next few minutes but I never finish it. Instead, I excuse myself and quickly make my way upstairs, taking two steps at a time. I move towards my old bedroom and creak the door open slightly to peer inside. Abbie is awake now, laying on the floor. She holds two dolls in her hands, I know how much she loves them but her face is expressionless.
She looks up when she hears the door open.
"Hey." I say softly, stepping into the room and closing the door behind me.
"Hey Maddie." She replies.
It hurts to hear that nick name, mom used to call me that and Abbie just kinda picked it up through the years.
"You okay?" I ask. I feel stupid even asking that question. Of course she's not but I don't know what else to say.
I feel like i'm walking on egg shells.
She shrugs. "It just feels like i'm in a dream.... Is she really dead Maddie" she whispers the same question she asked a million times last night.
I can't look at her face so I stare at the ground instead as I nod. I hear her suck in a sharp breath.
I wait for the new round of tears that usually followed that question last night but instead she just says
"Okay."
"What are you doing?" I ask only to change the topic.
"I'm deciding which doll to play with. I don't want to think about mom anymore."
I nod and sit on the bed.
"You have soooo many barbies." She says looking around the room.
"Yeah well, don't tell anyone but I actually stole most of these from the girls in my class at school." I say laughing at the memories.
"What?" She gasps.
I want to smile and play along with the false lightheartedness but I'm about to explode if I don't get some answers.
"Do you hate me?" My voice betrays me by breaking.
"I think we both know that I could never hate you Maddie."
I feel a wave of relief flood through me.
Her eyes bour into mine I feel like shes looking straight into my soul.
"I don't believe what happened was your fault. I think you believe that. But she was just in the wrong place, wrong time. She was yelling and shouting for you. She was a magnet for death the minute she stepped outside this house alone."
Her words take me by surprise and I take a minute to process them. Part of me wishes someone would blame me so that I could feel something other than this numbness.
I pull her into a hug and squeeze her tightly.
"I love you Abbie. I swear, i'll never let anything hurt you."
"I love you too Maddie."
I get off the bed and walk to my shelves, plucking one particular doll from her stance.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"This one was my favourite" I say, handing it to her.
"Cool!" She smiles, grasping it in her hand.
"I promise i'll take good care of her."
"You better, do you realise how long it took me to snatch that doll off Sarah Woods." I tease.
She laughs and gives me a mock scolding look, telling me that stealing is wrong.
"Don't you worry Abbie, I did that doll a favor. Sarah was a brat anyways. Her tea parties weren't half as good as mine either." Abbie laughs as we make our way downstairs.