~~~~~~Sierra~~~~~~
Tristan was joking. He had to be. Sierra loved his flawless skin. Why would he want to do this? Tristan spoke to the woman at the front desk while Sierra watched, paralyzed.
He turned to her. "Are you getting anything?"
'Oh my God, he was serious.' she thought to herself.
He smiled at her expression. "Don't worry. No pressure. I only wanted you to be here when I got mine."
Sierra's eyes widened as she shook her head slowly, "Tristan, you don't need to do this."
His smile grew, "I know. I'm getting a tattoo because I want to. And because I love you."
She bit her lip before reaching out to touch Tristan's hand, "Okay, you love me. I get it. Can we go...please?"
"Sierra, this is happening." Before she could protest further, he said, "I don't know how many times I've told you how I feel. I've done everything I could think of and you still don't get it. This should change that." he finished confidently.
He followed the woman from the counter into the back where the booths were. Sierra went after him.
"Tristan this is insane." she whispered loudly, trying in vain not to bring too much attention to herself.
"I don't think so." he shrugged, looking down at her, "This isn't some spur of the moment decision. I've been planning this since your birthday. I'd hoped we be doing it together."
Sierra grabbed his arm. "Don't do this," she said, but she saw his resolve.
He turned to face her with steely eyes, "So now you know what you want?"
Tristan freed his arm and sat down. A man entered their booth shortly after and Sierra couldn't stop staring at his arms. Both of his arms were exposed and covered entirely in colored ink, even his fingers. Sierra had never seen anything like it.
"Hey, man. You know what you want to get?" tattoo guy said to Tristan.
"Yeah."
"Cool. What'll it be?"
Tristan pulled his shirt off and started to describe what he wanted done. Sierra suddenly felt sick.
"Tristan, this is too much. I can't ... I can't do this." She stormed out of the tattoo parlor.
"Wait." Tristan put his shirt back on and chased after her. He caught up to her outside.
Sierra leaned against the building's brick foundation and took in huge breaths of air, trying to ease her stomach. "I'm sorry. I want you to take me home, please."
He approached her, confused. "Why are you making such a big deal about this?"
"Getting a tattoo is a big deal when you're only doing it to impress some girl you like."
He looked at her, disappointed. "Some girl I like, Sierra? I wouldn't consider changing the entire course of my life for someone I liked. That's a trivial way to describe what we have."
"I didn't mean it that way."
"Yes, you did. You always downplay our relationship all the time and I still don't understood why. Even after everything, you won't admit that this is more than some high school fling. I want to spend my life with you."
He had a point. Acknowledging that he loved her was difficult. She believed he cared, but it was hard to accept it was anything more than that. "Just because you care about someone doesn't mean you belong together."
He brought his hands to his hair the way he did when he was frustrated. "You drive me crazy, you know that? Just when I think we're moving in the right direction, you switch up on me and, honestly, I'm tired of getting the run around. "
He thought she was giving him the run around? "You're the one that's confused. One minute you trust me, the next you don't. You love swimming, then you don't. You're over Jessica, then you're not. Which is it?"
"What does Jessica have to do with this?"
She didn't mean to bring her up, but since they were talking about it... "When are you going to admit that you're not over her?"
He frowned in disbelief. "You're going to make this about me? I'm the one that's bending over backward to make this work."
"Don't you get it? It's not supposed to be this difficult. Maybe we're fooling ourselves thinking we belong together. I honestly think that when you go off to college and you have the time you need to get over Jessica, I mean really let go of everything that happened, you'll realize I was just a phase."
Tristan pinned her with furious eyes. "I hear that 'just a phase' shit enough from my father. I don't need it from you. Do you think I'm the kind of guy who would never be serious with you just because you're black?"
"I never said that, but do you really think we have a future together?"
She could see that hurt him. "If you have to ask that, then I'm glad you didn't let me get that tattoo."
"Don't you see this could all be for nothing? You're leaving and I don't know when we'll see each other again. Why are we even trying so hard?"
He cornered her, closing the gap between them and spoke softly. "Fighting for you isn't hard for me. Loving you is one of the easiest things I've ever done. So I'm wondering why it's so easy for you to give up? Am I not worth it to you?"
Of course he was worth it but there was so much more to it than that. The uncertainty of the future terrified her. The only thing she knew for sure was that everyone leaves. Whether they wanted to or not. And she couldn't go through that with someone she loved. Not again.
"Take pity on me and tell me what you want," he pleaded. "You name it. Anything and I'll do it."
There was only one thing that could ease her mind and her heart and he couldn't promise her that. Left with only one other option, she said, "Take me home."
"We're not done talking."
"I am and I'm ready to go"
"Unbelievable." She looked ahead and didn't respond. He ran his hands through his hair angrily. "Let's go."
He walked away, leaving her to follow behind. Once in the car, Sierra immediately felt better. More grounded. She was grateful Tristan didn't make a big deal about her making a scene, but his silence made the drive to her house excruciating. Thankfully, he drove at least fifteen miles over the speed limit ensuring the awkwardness didn't last any longer than it had to. Tristan reached her house in record time and the car jerked to a stop in her driveway.
Sierra searched for the right words to say. She glanced at him but couldn't read his face. He wouldn't even look in her direction. Tristan hit the button to unlock the doors. She took the hint and got out of he car. She entered her house and ran straight for her room. She peered through her bedroom window and wasn't surprised to find Tristan already gone.
She climbed onto her bed and felt the full weight of her emotions crash into her. Today turned out to be a disaster. The mass of it all was suffocating. For the first time in a long time, she allowed herself to wish her mom were here. She needed her. It wasn't fair she was gone. It wasn't fair she had to do this alone. Always alone. Everyone she cared about leaves. Her mom. Tristan.
She covered her face with her arm. She was doing the right thing. Wasn't she? She cried and couldn't stop.
***
Tristan was M.I.A.
Sierra hadn't seen him in days. She was relieved at first. The idea of forced, awkward locker talk made her cringe, but at least they would have the chance to hash things out. Instead, she was left with this aching need for closure with the deadline for Stanford right around the corner. She was uneasy with how they left things.
She couldn't stop thinking about her last conversation with Reggie. She thought she was being nice by beating around the bush with him, but all she did was make things worse. She was making the same mistake with Tristan by not being all the way honest with him.
She'd been playing things safe ever since her mom died. She realized that experience made her afraid of everything. She was scared of water. Scared of taking risks. Scared of messing up. Scared of dying. Scared of being alone. Tristan was going all out for her. And what was she doing? Stalling, hesitating, questioning. You didn't get what you wanted by being scared. She didn't want to play it safe anymore.
She got up from the sand and took her shirt off, shimmied out of her pants, and tied her hair back. She headed for the ocean, even as the morning chill hinted at freezing waters. The first contact with the water caused her body to tense and, eventually, her teeth began to chatter, but she didn't stop until the water came up to her chest. She looked back to see how far she was from land and decided this was far enough. She attempted to float and laughed in delight when she didn't sink. She was doing it. On her own.
Sierra let herself drift and reveled in the water's calmness. She didn't expect to enjoy this. The current picked up and the water got cloudy. A large wave crashed into her, taking her under. She sputtered back to the surface, coughing up seawater. She barely caught her breath when she was hit by another big wave. It pulled deeper this time and had to fight her way up. Her limbs felt like lead. She sucked in air the first chance she could and dived down to avoid the rougher water. She came up when she couldn't hold her breath any longer and looked toward the shore. Her heart skipped. The current had dragged her out too far. She couldn't feel the ocean floor and knew walking back was not an option. She would need to swim the whole way.
Her eyes burned and her lip trembled. She was so stupid! Why did she come out here alone? She was nowhere near good enough to be doing this on her own yet. What had she been thinking?
Okay, okay, okay... Stop freaking out. You can do this, Sierra. You have to do this. For dad, for Tristan, for yourself...
Sierra waved her hands back and forth trying to keep her afloat. She tired quickly and began to sink. Then she remembered during her lessons that whenever she panicked, she sank. She willed herself to calm down. She was working much harder than she had to stay up. She relaxed as much as she could and tried to remember everything Tristan taught her. She pretended she had her fins on and kept pushing forward. Every stroke got her closer to shore, so she just had to keep going. No matter how bad she wanted to stop.
A lifetime later, Sierra dragged herself onto the sand and rolled to her back and grinned. She could hardly catch her breath and, though, she was beyond tired, she was ready for more. The ocean threw everything it had at her and she survived. She was scared. So scared. But she trusted in herself. Trusted in Tristan and what he taught her. And she lived through it.
She really could have died today, too scared of being hurt to follow her heart and that saddened her. She had wasted so much time. There were so many things in this world to be afraid of and love shouldn't be one of them. Even if it meant losing a piece of your heart in the process. She wanted to be happy and that meant being honest with Tristan. She had to tell him. Everything. She got up from the sand, grabbed her clothes and let her heart take the lead.
***
A/N: If you enjoyed this chapter, a lot of it is thanks to Greenroots for her input and critical eye. Thanks, girl! As always, leave me your thoughts and opinions. One more chapter to go! Until next time...