I stayed in the car, curled up in a tight ball and rocking back and forth, while Cameron stepped onto the road and went to help at the scene of the crash. My temples were throbbing and my heart was racing so fast I couldn't distinguish one beat from the other-and all I could see in my head was the night of my own fateful crash.
I didn't know how long it was before Cameron returned to the car, looking thoroughly depressed. His hands shook as he turned back on the car and backed it out onto the road.
My cell phone rang twice on the way home, most likely both calls from Katie asking why I was so late to return, but I didn't answer. I didn't think I'd have a voice to talk to anyone, anyway.
Though Cameron didn't say anything to me, his eyes kept flickering towards me, his mouth set into a concerned frown, as he drove. I just sat, quivering, my cheek pressed against my knees, trying to ignore my heart pounding in my ribcage and the panic rising up inside me.
Finally, the convertible turned into my driveway and parked near the front door, but I was shaking too much to get out the car. Cameron had to walk around to the passenger's side, open the door for me, and allow me to lean heavily on him as I walked up the porch steps and to the front door.
"You okay, Evelyn?" he asked. I could feel his breath on my ear and could hear the concerned touch to his voice, but all I could do was shake my head. I continued to rely on him as I handed him the keys and unlocked the door.
When we stepped inside the house, Maddie and Clare both ran at me, but they both froze when they saw my paled face and my wide eyes. Cameron kept one hand pressed against the small of my back as he led me into the living room and sat me down on the couch.
"Breathe," he instructed, sitting down beside me and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I choked over my breath, doubled over as I forced myself to control myself in front of my sisters.
Katie entered the room, sent Maddie and Clare up to their room, and sat down on my other side. "Goodness, Evelyn, are you okay?"
I still couldn't talk, so I just shook my head again. Katie turned her worried eyes onto Cameron and asked, "What happened?"
As Cameron explained the situation, I watched Katie's expression fall until it looked like she would start crying. She placed one hand on each side of my face and turned me towards her, so that I was staring right at her.
"Everything's gonna be okay, all right, Evelyn?" she asked as I forced an exhale. "I'm really sorry that had to happen to you. But your mother would never want you to be so afraid. She'd want you to live life carefree and happy..." She trailed off, releasing my face and leaning back against the couch. Suddenly, she seemed exhausted.
"Evelyn?" asked Cameron softly, wiping away a tear I hadn't noticed had slipped down my face. "What's she talking about?"
Katie's eyes opened at his confused tone, and her mouth tightened into a firm line. "I'm going to go upstairs and check on the girls," she said. "I think you two have some talking to do. I'll make sure they don't come downstairs." She stood, glancing at me worriedly, and then began to climb the stairs up to Maddie and Clare's bedroom.
"Evelyn?" Cameron repeated.
It took me a few minutes to calm myself to even be able to say something, and when I did, everything came out in a rush. "I'm so sorry, Cameron," I said, two more tears trickling down my face. Now that I'd started crying, I seemed unable to stop. "I've lied to you."
My shoulders were shaking, but he kept his arm firmly around them and scooted closer to me, so that I was able to bury my face in his shirt. I forced myself to regain my breath, my tears staining his button-down, until I was able to talk again.
"My mom's not living," I said. "She's not on a business trip and she's not coming back. She died in a car crash, over two years ago. I was the only one in the car with her, and I was sitting in the passenger's seat. I should have seen the other car coming, but I was too preoccupied." I sniffed, my shoulders beginning to shake again. "It's all my fault."
"Of course it's not, Evelyn." Cameron ran his hand through my tangled hair, smoothing it down. "There's no way it's your fault. I'm just so sorry you didn't tell me before. I could have helped you." I hiccupped and he kissed the top of my head. "Everything's going to be okay. You'll be fine. You've had a shock, is all."
I exhaled shakily and blinked to clear my blurry vision, bringing the living room into focus. Cameron was still holding me and rocking me back and forth, and I could actually feel myself beginning to calm down.
"What about your dad?" he asked, his lips close to my ear.
I was nearly certain my heart actually stopped at that exact moment-at the very least, my breath caught and hitched in my throat so that I started coughing. By the time Cameron had patted my back sufficiently and I had cleared my windpipe, I knew what I had to do.
"Dad's out of town," I said in a muffled voice, keeping my face buried in his chest so that he didn't have to see my expression as I lied. "It's hard for him, working to earn enough money while taking care of us. That's why I have to watch my sisters so much. He's out of town a lot, on business trips, but we..." I sniffed again as another tear slid down my cheek. "We make it work."
"Oh, Evelyn." Cameron hugged me tighter, if that was at all possible. "I'm so sorry you kept this from me. But at least I know now. That explains everything. I knew you were hiding something from me, and I'm really sorry this is how I had to figure out."
I finally deemed it safe to retreat from the protection of his button-down, and I pulled back so that I could see his face. Though his pool-blue eyes looked clouded and sad, he was smiling at me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
He would never know that the sorry didn't just mean an apology for keeping things from him in the past, but also for the lie I'd just told him and the secrets I was still keeping locked safely away. People had known about Mom's death-it had been unavoidable. The school had received notice, Katie knew, Ashley knew...but nobody knew the truth about Dad.
"It's okay," he smiled back, taking my chin in one hand and kissing me lightly. "Everything's out in the open now. It's all fine."
I forced a small smile back, but the kiss had made me feel even more guilty, and I felt like I wanted nothing more in that moment than to get away. "I'd better go check on Maddie and Clare," I said, shakily getting up to my feet. "Thanks for everything. I'm sorry I had to ruin all your plans for a great first date."
He stood, too, and squeezed my hand softly. "I don't want you to worry about that," he said. "Forget about everything that happened after we left the restaurant, okay? I'll see you tomorrow at school."
Standing on my tiptoes, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he curled his arms around my waist, and we hugged quickly before pulling apart and heading towards the front door. When I glanced out into the moonlight and saw cars streaming by on the road in front of the house, panic set in the pit of my stomach again, but I forced myself to breathe as I let Cameron out and locked the door behind him.
When I went upstairs to Maddie and Clare's bedroom after wiping away my tears and pasting on a smile, I saw my sisters curled up in their bed as Katie read them a story. I ran my hands through my hair nervously and stepped inside the room; the three of them looked up, clearly startled.
"Hi, Evelyn," said Maddie, hopping out of bed and hurrying over to wrap her arms around me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I said, squeezing her back and then picking her up and setting her back on the bed. "I'm just your crazy sister."
Clare turned to give me a look that said I hope you told him everything, and I glared at her until she lowered her gaze and went back to looking at the book Katie was reading. I hopped onto the bed and leaned against the headboard, crossing my arms. "I can finish the story, if you want, Katie," I said. "You probably want to go home."
Smiling, Katie handed me the book and then gave me a quick hug. "You don't have to come into work tomorrow," she said. "You probably want the day off, and anyway, business is really slow. You know that yourself."
I was too drained to even recognize the now-familiar sense of panic in my stomach as I thought of the lack of money coming in from Skyport Creamery. "Thanks," I said, "for watching the girls and...for everything."
With a nod, Katie said goodbye to my sisters and then I went downstairs to let her out of the house. "Are you sure everything's okay?" she asked as she stepped out onto the porch, clutching her purse in one hand.
"Of course," I said, faking a smile. "Everything's perfect."
As she turned and disappeared down the driveway, I couldn't help but think how far from perfect everything actually was.
~*~*~
When I got to school the next day, I had dark circles under my eyes and I was so pale I was probably scaring everyone off who turned to talk to me. At lunchtime, I sat with Cameron and his group of friends, picking at my food but not really eating anything.
"Hey, Evelyn."
I looked up, half in a daze, and saw Cameron leaning towards me, whispering so the rest of the table couldn't hear me over their preoccupied chatter. "I was thinking, since you had the day off work, you could come over to my house tonight for dinner with my parents. You can bring Maddie and Clare, too."
The thought of not having to worry about preparing dinner and cleaning dishes that night was an immense relief. "I'd love to," I whispered back, forcing back a yawn. "What time do you want me to come over?"
"Let me check with Mom and Dad," he said, and I nodded before turning back to my lunch.
The rest of the day, I was a zombie. I crawled through American History while Mr. Copeland lectured, and even the funny side notes he added in that usually kept my attention didn't keep my mind from wandering. For the first time since Cameron started tutoring me, I resorted back to my old ways, doodling instead of taking notes and allowing my eyes to droop shut sleepily.
During biology, Ashley ignored me while we dissected a frog together, her annoyance with me increasing the more time I spent with Cameron. Had I not been so tired, I would have asked Ms. Reeves for a partner transfer, but I just let her do all the work and sat on my stool, jiggling my legs.
After English, I practically sleep-walked to my locker, grabbed my things, hitched my backpack over one shoulder, and made my way out of the school, relieved it was Friday and the weekend was now here. I didn't even have the slightest idea how I'd manage to stay awake during dinner with Cameron's parents, or even during the drive home, but I figured I'd drink coffee when I got home and hopefully it would give me an energy boost.
Getting in the car had started to scare me again-even sitting in the driver's seat-and I was shaking as I navigated to the elementary school carpool line and waited for Maddie and Clare. My left foot was shaking furiously, and I had to force myself to keep the car in position as my eyes darted around the school at all the other vehicles in motion-all potentials for crashes.
All my confidence that I had worked so hard to build back up since the crash two and a half years ago was collapsing under the influence of the collision I'd witnessed, and had narrowly avoided, just one night prior. It was taking everything in me not to go back to letting my past haunt me twenty-four/seven, and my father's words I had worked so hard to drown out.
She's dead, Evelyn, and it's your fault.
It was all my fault.