Take my heart as you're leaving. I don't need it anymore.
It felt ridiculous to be dying, yet again.
Wasn't I already dead? But as I lay on the cold floor, jade blood spilling out from my abdomen (again), my head swirled and my body went numb. I suppose this was what it felt like when you were truly dying. Notice I had said “truly” because I thought I was already dead before, as I mentioned.
I felt a different kind of pain when I remembered her. She was all about the scorn. All about sarcasm and snootiness. Always so-
Stop right there, Maryam.
It's been a long time. She didn't even communicate with you after she left. But perhaps it was your own doing, running away from her before she even left and all.
You didn't really want to say goodbye though. Even though you wanted her planet's population to grow again, you had also wanted her to stay with you. But it would've been a selfish act.
I closed my eyes. Oh don't worry, I wasn't leaving yet. Just remembering.
“Kanaya?” she had asked from behind.
I didn't turn around yet. Part of me was afraid I couldn't let her continue to leave me, and the other just remembered her voice for this may be the last time I'll ever hear her say my name. It sounded so beautiful, like her and I had wanted to kill myself because I was about to let her go.
“Kanaya,” she repeated in the same lovely tone. Her arms embraced me from behind.
I took her hands in mine and gently pried them off me. Still holding one, I turned around to face her which made me weak. I wasn't really ready for this even though I spent hours and days rehearsing what I would say to her when she wasn't around.
My eyes memorized her face. I wouldn't see it for a long time. Her blond locks would never tickle my cheeks whenever we kissed. Her soft lips would now touch someone else. And her eyes. ...God, her eyes. I could spend my life just looking into them. But after this, I would only spend my days remembering how they looked.
We just stared at each other. It was better that way so we couldn't hurt each other with our words. Tears fell from my eyes because I'll never hold her anymore. I also wanted to kiss her one last time but if I do that, I know I wouldn't be able to let go, so I just held her hand. I would miss its warmth.
I wonder if she really felt the same way. Because I was irretrievably and utterly flushed for her. I wasn't sure if it was like that on her side. She could adore me, but not that much.
My chest burned while I looked at her. As much as I wanted to beg on my knees for her to stay, I kept silent. Instead, I squeezed her hand lightly for the last time, giving her all the warmth and love I had for her, and slowly loosened my grip. I felt my whole life drain away, and my hand stung when I had let go.
“Kanaya, I-”
“Goodbye Rose. Be Safe For Me.” I turned around and ran away.
* * *
Well that was a really dumb thing to do now that I thought about it. But I just didn't want her to say goodbye as well. What if she thought I had broken up with her? I wish she knew I could never do that in a million sweeps.
“KANAYA!” a familiar voice had yelled and I heard him running to me. “OH FUCK. OH FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.” his voice trembled anxiously as he placed his hand at the back of my neck and lifted my head up a little.
I looked at him and felt glad. He was the only one who knew of my clown hunting expedition and I had been afraid that I would die alone because no one would think of finding me, but he was here. Still my friend.
“WHAT HAPPENED?”
My mouth twisted to a frown. “I Had Not Been Strong Like Before To Deal With Him And He Had Used My Chainsaw Against Me.” My eyes looked at the hole at my torso.
Anyone could tell he didn't know what to do when I winced in pain. The wound hurt much more now than a while ago and my breathing became more labored. I felt my heart pound... slower.
“Karkat?”
His head whipped to me. Fear and confusion in his eyes. I didn't know what to anymore as well. If I moved, I would surely lose more blood. If I didn't move, I would still lose some blood. What would be the point? I was a goner that's for sure, so I asked him something that I had never asked anyone before.
“What Do You Think Of Rose?”
“WHAT?”
“Tell Me What You Think Of Her.” One thing I knew about Karkat was that he would tell the truth no matter what.
“SHE'S ALL RIGHT.” I felt him shrug a little bit.
“That Is It?”
“SHE'S GODDAMN SMART AND LIKES TO BE SARCASTIC. I KNOW SHE CARES ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE EVEN WHEN SHE DOESN'T FUCKING SHOW IT. SHE'S NICE TO TALK TO SINCE SHE'S A FUCKING THERAPIST AND ALL AND SHE'S A GOOD FRIEND. SHE'S A FUCKING HUMAN AND...”
“And What?”
“SHE LOVES YOU.”
A lump rose in my throat and tears welled in my eyes. I remember when he didn't approve of our matespritship before and it made my moirallegiance with him complicated. He needed a friend, and I was with my matesprit. I realized I had hurt a lot of people when I conjured up flushed feelings for Rose. Including her.
“Karkat...”
“SAVE YOUR GODDAMN BREATH, MARYAM.” He looked at me with tears pooling in his eyes. He had already been in this spot before. Already saw me die right before his eyes and I almost wanted to apologize that he was experiencing it again. But this time I wouldn't know if I'll be able to get back. And I would guess he knew that. “DON'T LEAVE,” he begged, but his voice sounded defeated.
“Karkat, “ I repeated even though he said not to. “I Apologize.”
“FOR WHAT?” he sounded incredulous.
“I Am Sorry For Not Being There For You Most Of The Time. I Wish I Could Go Back And Make Up For It.”
He just stared at me.
“And I Also Require You To Please Tell John, Dave, and Rose I Apologize As Well. John, Because I Stole Rose From Him When You Presumed That They Would End Up Together In The Future. They Are Now, But I Would Guess They Have Not Reproduced Yet Due To Me.
Rose, Because I Left Her Even When I Still Loved Her.
And Dave, Because I Would Be Breaking My Promise Again. I'm Not Sure If He Knows It Is Not Intentional, But Tell Him Anyway. Please Also Tell Him To Keep His Sister Safe For Me.” I was crying really bad now. “I Am So Sorry Karkat. I Am Sorry I Let You Down All Those Times.”
“STOP APOLOGIZING, KANAYA. GEEZ.” he sniffed and tried to make his voice even. “IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I SHOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD THAT IT WAS ALL FUCKING NEW TO YOU HAVING A MATESPRIT AND ALL. THEN HER GETTING WASTED MADE YOU WORRY ABOUT HER BECAUSE I KNOW I WOULD. THE THING IS, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE JUST BECAUSE YOU DEVELOPED RED FEELINGS TOWARDS SOMEONE. SO I'M SORRY TOO.”
I had to smile. It made my wound throb but I couldn't help myself.
“Hey, Karkat?”
“YEAH?”
I only wanted a request before I died. And as I feel myself slowly slipping, I hoped he would understand as well.
“Tell Me About Rose Lalonde.” I closed my eyes.
Silence.
“WELL, “ he started. “UM... FUCK. UM, SHE'S YOUR MATESPRIT.” he wasn't sure where this was going.
And then I remembered it clearly like it happened just yesterday. If I could still blush or glow, I would have.
“I want you... to, teash me ALL the quadrans.” she had held me by the shoulders and it made my stomach flutter relentlessly at the touch.
She grinned at me. “I want you toot, tell me about your spabes, your didamounds,”
Her hands seized my waist. “ I wank you to, share wish me yur clumbs. . . And your hearst.” Her breath still smelled wonderful. Perhaps because I was intoxicated by her.
“I want. .”
My eyes widened. Did she feel the same way as well?
“Yuouo. . . .”
And, oh! Her lips. The very same lips that I dreamed of kissing had placed themselves against mine. It made me glow with shock and elation that I thought I was going to fall.
Except she did.
“Mhm.” I said to Karkat, implying him to continue.
“SHE USED TO BE A LIGHT PLAYER AND I THINK SHE CALLED HER GOD TIER ROBE A FUCKING SUN-SARI.”
I had actually wanted to chuckle but I knew it would hurt, so I managed a small smile instead.
I remember the first time I saw her in the flesh. No words could equal to this gorgeous creature that moved with a subtle kind of grace, talked in a manner that was so sure, and looked as if she were carved in some expensive marble that emphasized her smooth skin. I was so stunned by her appearance that my heart stuttered and I couldn't speak.
“Can you please come?”
“...”
“Yes.” It bothered me a little that I answered both her question and what Karkat said.
He continued, “YOU'RE HER PATRON TROLL AND YOU LIKED TO CHAT WITH HER MOST OF THE TIME.”
It was strange how I used to think that she was close to nothing before when I trolled her. Life was funny that way. Remembering how I saw her through a computer and suddenly she would turn out to be my soulmate. She had been my best friend and I enjoyed her company.
GA: Why Dont We Be Friends
TT: You want to be my friend?
GA: I Think So. I Think We Were Supposed To
“YOU READ HER WALK-THROUGH AND I THINK THAT WAS THE TIME YOU FUCKING STARTED IDOLIZING HER.”
An image entered my mind about a Rose Lalonde troll version. But that thought was chased away when I realized that there was no one else like Rose Lalonde The Human. Not even a troll could measure up to her now. She would always be this perfect thing for me, and it would irrevocably stay that way.
I've seen her vulnerable countless of times, and she still seemed just as beautiful. Her smiles are genuine when with me, her words not as snarky, and sometimes I would think that whenever she looked into my eyes that she was home. I wonder if I've ever truly grasped how much I mean to her. It made me sad that I was taking away something she cared about. Perhaps she really did love me.
“I Saw Her, You Know.”
“WHAT?” It made me wonder if I still sounded sane.
“I Saw Rose Before They Left Alternia, But She Didn't See Me Hiding In The Shadows. Her Face Held Nothing. Like A Mask. It Made Me Feel Like I Was The One Who Did That To Her And I Think I Am Right.” I sobbed. It hurt much worse. “I'm Sorry, Rose. I'm Sorry.” Maybe if it hurt enough, she could hear my words. I hoped she would.
I sniffed, “Thank You For Everything Karkat.”
“THERE'S ONE MORE THING THOUGH.”
“Hm?”
“YOU LOVE HER.”
My heart throbbed. “Truly, I Do. More Than She Will Ever Know.”
“I'LL TELL HER, DON'T WORRY,” he promised.
“Thank You,” I repeated. “Goodbye, Karkat.” my voice cracked at his name. Agony ripped through my body. Perhaps because this was it. “Goodbye... Moirail.”
Then I suddenly remembered the time I said farewell to Rose and the words I let her left unsaid.
“Kanaya?”
Perhaps...
“Kanaya.”
If I had not ran away that time, maybe she would have said,
“Kanaya, I love you. Can you please come with me?”
But I had hurt her instead.
I felt my eyelids slowly closing. Though I knew I was stubborn, and had fought through the dreariness, struggling to keep them open.
But I couldn't see Karkat anymore. In his place, a beautiful image had appeared. Her timeless purple eyes looking through mine with wonder and love. My lungs had stopped working and I knew I had only seconds left, but I felt glad.
She was here. She would be with me before I died. My matesprit forgave me even after I hurt her so much. I stared at her and thought that death had never looked so lovely.
And as the very last word from my mouth was whispered, my heart stopped its beating. Ironically enough, she was the one who used to make it beat before.
“Rose.”
My life vanished.