Blush!
Stace mentioned Dad yesterday.
Two years and it still affects me that when I needed him the most, he wasn't there for me. I trusted him. I believed him to be the only person who, no matter what, would listen to me when I had something to say.
Would understand me when I needed to be understood.
Would lend me his shoulder when I needed to cry.
Would hold my hand when I needed to be comforted.
But he let me down. He didn't do any of it.
NOT ONE SINGLE THING.
I still pretended to not care. I pretended that nothing was wrong with me and it didn't matter if he refrained himself from being a father of three children and instead allowed himself to be the best asset of the company he worked for.
After all, that's what is more important in life, right?
On one hand he believed in prioritising things in life. On the other, lead by example.
I find it all kind of funny when it comes to him.
Well, anyways, enough talking about Dad.
Blush, I wanted to tell you about this guy, Raymond Stratford.
He is this stupid annoying person who has made me wonder quite a few things about him.
And me.
So today morning he asked me why I never smiled and I told him that I did smile to which he replied that I was right but that was a fake one and it never really reached my eyes.
Blush, it's the first time someone has noticed something so right about me. I agree with him. Totally.
I don't smile. Not really.
But I always thought no one would notice and that everyone's so busy with their own lives that something like this would get unnoticed easily.
But this guy. He pointed out something so important to me in such a casual manner that it amazes me.
I couldn't answer him then but I am saying it now.
I don't smile because I can't.
I JUST CAN'T.
Smile. Not because life has many reasons to make you smile. But because your smile itself is the reason for someone else to smile.
That's what he told me. I didn't have to be someone else's reason to smile. They had their lives and were happy. Smiling.
I instead believed that one should smile for oneself.
But for me, this smiling thing was long forgotten. My brain didn't know how to trigger all those chemicals responsible for the lips to form the perfect curve. The perfect smile. One that would reach my eyes.
No. I feel like a stranger to the entire idea.
Blush, his next few reactions surprised me too. I have a feeling that there's so much that he has inside him. But unlike me, he wants to say it all out.
And for the first time, I am so curious to know a person.
Which reminds me, he had asked me to call him and I am not yet decided if I should or shouldn't.
More importantly, if I want to or not?
Love,
Ashley S.