Some people look like models at four thirty in the morning, I look like something ungodly.
It would take (according to Andrea's calculations) seven hours and two minutes to arrive at our destination.
That's a hell of a lot of grown up girl bonding time.
Mum had consented to the road trip but why and how I didn't know. Jessica had taken care of the whole thing and all that had been asked of me way to accept it. In fact I hadn't even seen my mum to apologies and I could only owe that to knowing how skilful we had become in avoiding one another. I was planning to muster something heartfelt to say that would suffice as an apology when we finally stopped hiding from one another.
So far, I had nothing.
I grabbed my hoodie from its crumpled state on the floor and pulled it over my top. As I forced my head through hole I heard the roar of an engine. It appeared fast cards had no consideration for those who liked their slumber at four thirty. I righted my jumper and checked for anything I might have forgotten. Of greatest concern was collecting my phone from my bedside table, it was my only connection to Dad and it was essential.
I didn't want to keep everyone waiting so as soon as I secured my phone in my pocket, I gathered up my bag and sprinted from the room. My keys gleamed as if to beckon me from hallway table. As silently as I could I picked them up and slotted them into the keyhole. I was being ridiculously cautious but no was not the time to have my heart to heart with my mother.
I hurried down the stairwell having locked the door, new butterflies swarming in my stomach. I was more than aware of how strange the prospect of this road trip was and it unsettled me. Still, I would take a car full of Indigos over Devon any day.
The Land Rover LRX was a panther in the dark, its headlights bright and passengers concealed behind blackened panes of glass. Like all of Kieran's cars it was imposing and probably unnecessarily expensive. While I did not wish to appear impressed, it was written all over my face.
The driver's door opened and Jessica, looking like a model at four thirty in the morning, slid out.
"Sorry it's a bit of a beast but we thought you'd like to travel without feeling... claustrophobic," Jessica explained, stroking the masculine curve of the panther. I wondered if Jessica knew she could have had a respectable career in car modelling. Kindly she opened the door behind the driver's and waited for me to literally clamber into the thing.
The interior was tan leather and well kept. There were no discarded wrappers, forgotten console, sticky juice patches or cheap toys littering the interior.
This car has never have a child set foot in it.
I may not have been a ten year old with a cup full of juice but I was convinced that wouldn't stop me making a stain and ruining the upholstery.
You're not helping yourself here Evans, calm down.
"Are you coming or not?" Jessica questioned teasing, re-gesturing at the seat awaiting me. I nodded a little out of sync with myself.
"I'm still half asleep, I think." I yawned.
Still half asleep? Trying not to puke more like.
Strolling past Jessica, I climbed into the car, dignified not quite being the word for my ascent.
Andrea was sat in the front, her knees pulled up to head height and a notebook resting on them. Her pen glided purposefully across the page though her scribbles were legible from where I was seated. When she heard the click of my seatbelt she gave me a general wave and returned to her writing. Too afraid to be sociable myself, I turned to look out the opposite window. Instead of seeing the other side of the street two dark, loathing eyes stared back at me. I choked a little, grappling at my seatbelt.
I might need to go in and change my underwear.
Sophia was more like a shadow than I had first presumed. Her black, raven hair allowed her to blend into the darkness despite her face being as white as moonlight. As I stared at her she stared back with contempt and immeasurable hatred. Although she wasn't as powerful as Kieran her glare still froze my insides; tendrils of glassy ice racing to crush my heart.
"Morning Sophia," I tried, not sure whether daring to speak had been a wise move. Her eyes narrowed, daggers hoping to dissect my intent. Perhaps she assumed I was being fake but at least I was making an effort to be civil.
"Sophia we agreed you were only coming if you were nice. There's still time to drop you off home," Jessica muttered, as she started the ignition.
"Well if I have to spend seven hours in the same car as her I think it's only fair that I can say or not say whatever I feel like," spat Sophia.
There was that feeling of being punched in the stomach again.
"Sophia you have to learn to keep your mouth closed if nothing good is going to come out of it," Jessica lectured, her foot stomping down hard on the accelerator. We took off like a bullet through my slumbering street, the panther striding with ease past the dank tenement buildings. Sophia became silent, recoiling back into her shadows.
I don't know how long I let my head lull before I finally fell asleep. Conversation ceased and I, lacking in sleep and exhausted by concern for my father and the day ahead, fell quite accidentally asleep.
It was not of Kieran I dreamed by of my dad, my mind recalling the story of the day before.
I hadn't told anyone about what I'd heard or said, perhaps stupid, but I saw no other alternative. I had no doubt that he'd been trying to kill himself – why I couldn't understand – but I wasn't prepared to make my father vulnerable by pushing him through efforts of others or my own to find out. When I'd left the care home I pretended everything was fine, apologised to Andrea, Jessica and Mack for taking so long and forced myself into cheery conversation with the rest of them.
My silence was vital.
As I dreamt I held my father's hand and witnessed the conversation between him and his demon all over again. I recoiled at the feeling wrestling in my gut; it was a warning, telling me I needed to be wary and vigilant for not only my sake but my fathers.
Maybe I should tell Kieran, usher him into the world I had kept sacred for just me and my father. Perhaps I could no longer afford the spoiled luxury of my father's undivided attention.
In my dream I was stolen away, my hand prised from my father's as an unforgiving white light swallowed us whole.
"Chris? Chris, wakey, wakey." Jessica was gently shaking me. I blinked at my angelic host. "I think you should go to the bathroom, we've been travelling for almost three hours." I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and stretched.
"I've been asleep for that long? What time is it?"
"About twenty to eight. We passed Newcastle about ten minutes ago." I tried jumping out of the car but my legs almost gave way beneath me.
Smooth, Evans.
"You were asleep before we even got out of Edinburgh." I wiped my face and began walking towards the service station, Jessica by my side.
"I quite fancy something to eat," I mumbled, trying to find my purse.
"No, no I'll get it," Jessica said firmly, withdrawing a crumpled ten pound note from her back pocket. I screwed my nose up in objection.
"Are you sure, I mean I brought money and everything."
"Yes, now do you take milk, sugar?" she pressed as she walked in the direction of the hot drinks vendor.
"Milk and two please." Presuming she'd heard me I left her to it and went in search of the loos.
It was as I washed my hands that I looked in the mirrors, rubbing my eyes with newly cleaned fists and yawned.
Jeez I look tired.
Though from my frequent line ins and early bed times one might have presumed I would be fresh as a daisy, I couldn't mark an night were I had slept peacefully since I was kidnapped. I squinted, the bags under my eyes creasing in objection. I supposed this was a consequence of being the subject of Indigo and Red's attentions and as long as that remained the only consequence, I didn't mind.
A woman emerged from the cubicle behind me, adjusting her trousers and taking no notice of me. She washed her hands, dried them on her jeans and then removed a tube of lip-gloss from her handbag. In many ways she reminded me of Beth except she was older, more tanned and her hair was dyed blonde. Her hand faltered and she eyed me in the mirror, rightly irritated by my staring.
"Can I help you?" she challenged, the lip-gloss applicator still held to her mouth.
"No eh- sorry." I averted my gaze but not before I saw the woman roll her eyes, slam the gloss stick back into the tube and saunter away. How fortunate she was to be leaving the bathroom and returning to a world of normality. I sighed, pushing off the ceramic sink and following after her.
Get a bloody grip.
Jessica, Andrea and Sophia stood waiting for me. Andrea and Jessica both hugged cups and brown bags to their chest and grinned at the sight of me.
"About time," Sophia grunted before skulking to the car. What was her problem? I watched her flip her hair and disappear into the Land Rover. Conscious I was once again staring at someone who probably didn't want me to, I looked to the takeaway cups in Andrea and Jessica's hands. Jessica thrust a cup into my hand alongside one of the brown bags
"Come on, we'd better get on the road again," said Jessica, shepherding me back to the car. I felt like a small child in the crook of Jessica's arm and I wasn't sure I liked it even if I was too afraid to say so. I just clutched my bag and my tea to me chest without a word.
"I think Andrea wants to sit in the back so perhaps you might sit in the front?" I looked at Andrea and she shrugged as if not caring less.
"Sure." I bit my lip, unsure I could hold a conversation with the intelligent and witty Indigo. Jessica, oblivious to my concern, hopped up into the car leaving me wishing I was as effortessly enlegant as she.
Belted up I was prepared for the dramatic lurch of the car. Jessica had a devilish smirk on her face, awakening the black beast and harnessing it's speed. I angled myself in my chair to have a quick peek at what Andrea and Sophia were doing in the back seats, taking a cautious sip of my tea. Andrea, forehead creased in concentration, was still writing in her notebook. It made me remarkably curious.
As for Sophia she sat mumbling to herself. I subconsciously tried to catch what she was saying which earned a spiteful glare, her eyes creating icy highways in my veins. Guilty, I returned to admiring the floor, a chunk of muffin held between my fingers.
Not much happened for what felt like hours. I'd finished my tea and muffin so I had nothing to occupy myself with. My mind was blank, unable to comprehend what had happened in only a few days or stray to the refuge of Kieran's mind without certain ramifications. So when Jessica decided to strike up a conversation I was taken completely by surprise.
"So, how much has Kieran told you about me?" I glanced over at her not sure what I was and wasn't supposed to know. Was I to give Kieran away by saying too much though it felt as though that was next to nothing? Was this a trap?
"Not much," I replied. Jessica's lip curved knowingly; her sixth sense her blessing and my curse.
"That's more than he promised not to." I didn't have to think twice to know what that meant. I grimaced.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"It's fine. I trust he didn't tell you everything and you have the right to know," Jessica concluded.
Perhaps this chat was the reason why I was in the front.
"It's OK you don't need to tell me anything." The assurance in my voice wasn't enough to convince her but I meant it. Everything to do with Kieran's 'family' had no right to be my business. However, it was evident Jessica was going to tell me regardless.
"As I see it, you are practically one of us Christine and therefore, you have the right to know a bit about me. After all, Kieran told us all about you," she reasoned. I wasn't sure whether to feel flattered or taken aback seeing as I knew nothing of Kieran sharing my life story. But I kept my mouth shut.
"I suppose that best place to start is my husband." A small, unreadable smile lifted at the corner of he mouth. "I met Michael through my godfather originally. Uncle Reynolds lived in America and I was sent to live with him because my mother had cancer, even though in those days you never knew one silent disease from another." She sighed, gripping the wheel in her hands and paying more mind to the road than at me. "I was seven years old when I last saw my parents and was shipped over seas."
"Uncle Reynolds or rather Captain Reynolds was extremely wealthy, the owner of a large platoon of ships. If I remember correctly he had something to do with the slave trade which I detested him for; but only that small part of him. He was a kind hearted man but narrow minded and traditional and all the while I doted on him like he was my own father, my own flesh and blood."
She hesitated, her brow creasing in a moment of grief as though it hurt to recall her past. But before I could urge her not to continue if it was painful she cleared her throat and continued.
"Uncle Reynolds had a nephew who I supposed he had intended for me long before my sea voyage. I had a title and his nephew had money; our marriage would be quite the fortuitous business transaction for a man with no children but the interests of his nephew and god-daughter at heart. "
"Still, after thirteen years there was no news from my mother and father in Ireland and so my godfather saw no reason to delay our meeting."
"And so, for my twentieth birthday my godfather held a ball, arranged so that I could meet his nephew. Little did my godfather know that his nephew was in love with the scullery maid in his household and wasn't willing to comply to a proposal of marriage. Michael did always have the most peculiar taste in women..."
There was a bitterness in Jessica's tone that she attempted to conceal but I was not to be fooled. I didn't expect I would need to question without answers for long.
"Michael was told by his father and Uncle Reynolds that he would receive none of his inheritance unless he consented to marrying me – romantic, I know... So, with no intention of breaking things off with the maid, Michael and we were married the following spring and I, divorced from the idea of romance, pursued other, more fulfilling ventures..." Even now there was an air of suggestive mischief in the Indigo's face.
"I was lucky to get a nod of acknowledgement from Michael and for the first few years of our marriage he occupied himself with business away from home. He was so stubborn, never engaging with me in conversation or even residing in the same room with me. It was a frustrating as I wished to be civil, convinced that we both understood the logistics of our arrangement."
From watching the two supposedly star crossed Indigos, I found this all hard to believe.
"Instead of on my husband I focused my attentions on my ambitions to be a lawyer." Jessica snorted. "I might as well have been training in witchcraft."
"Michael and I had been married for five years and of course there was no child to speak of, I barely saw him and I was at a level of competency in civil law excelling that of any man of my acquaintance. I was ready to approach my godfather, ask for his assistance in applying to higher education or making a name for myself. I was going to defy all the odds but then..."
From an expression of pride, Jessica's face wavered and her whole postured slumped.
"I remember pacing the floor outside of his office, my Uncle Reynolds that is, he had been away for several months and I could barely string a sentence together I was so nervous. But as I knocked, I was interrupted as a doctor took his leave and I knew...I just knew."
Whether she realised of not, Jessica had started to cry.
"I guess I am thankful for that time, for the weeks we were given instead of the days we'd been promised. Michael returned home, ashamed of abandoning his uncle all to avoid the marriage I had never imposed on him. To begin with we never said a word to one another and we both watched how that destroyed the man whose love we both shared in common. All, for a short time we were good for was observe Uncle Reynolds in his death. But when we recognised our failings, luckily soon enough to grant the unbeknown dying wish of the man we cared for, we fell rather deeply in love with on another."
Through her tears was a relief I was sure she felt over and over, just by looking at the man she called husband.
"Michael and I talked long into the night and all through the day, both of us clinging to a still hand of Uncle Reynolds'. Seeing I could trust him, and in the hours my godfather slept, I shared in my deepest wish of pursuing the law with Michael and he was nothing but supportive. Once Michael even offered to pay the extensive fee to study at a proper establishment but I refused. It was not for Michael I had educated myself but for my godfather's support and blessing though I knew I was never to have it."
"There was one day, as I changed Uncle Reynold's wash cloth, that I saw something different in Michael eyes. He looked at me as any wife should be looked at by her husband and I began to question if I had been as neglectful of him as he had been of me."
Jessica continued to weep though I expected her motivation were quite changed.
"The night before my godfather died, I lay exhausted across him with a flannel to his head. I remember Michael coming in and without words, sitting in the armchair across from me and shakily placing his hand on top of mine. He said nothing but I understood him and even in my grief I felt the warmth of his promise and assurance. Michael offered me a home, arms to run to, in the moment where I was about to be made homeless and left alone by the only man I could have ever confessed to have loved until then."
I knew how Michael looked at Jessica even now, every day choosing to offer her that home again. When I considered it, it was exactly how Kieran looked at me. I blushed, staring at my hands in my lap.
You're only seeing what you want to believe.
"My godfather passed away as dawn broke on a glorious June morning and I believe he was content." Jessica brushed away a tear, appearing surprised to have found one at all. She grinned and glanced at me. "Grief is a dark and unpredictable thing but is made something beautiful when it is shared in with others and I had Michael, my best friend and eventually my lover. He swore that he wished to commit to our marriage and to me as his only companion in life and death. On his word I could never have guessed what lingered in the shadows of his mind, it would have broken my heart to even consider..."
Jessica inhaled, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel and attempted to maintain her composure.
"Rather quickly I became pregnant and I had no notion of what to do. Yes, Michael professed to love me but love in its infancy can be fickle. I kept the baby secret until I physically couldn't. My maid and I were the only ones who knew." Jessica paused, nodding to herself. "Anna...I think her name was Anna." The Indigo pondered the thought for a moment and then moved onto the next.
"When I realised I couldn't hide my secret any longer I decided to tell Michael. Until that point he showed the colours of a man undoubtedly in love. So I felt somewhat settled sitting him down and confessing my secret. Unbeknown to me, there was a hidden uncertainty in Michael's mind and my pregnancy was all it took to release it. I can still feel the harsh touch of his hand when he thought I was joking. There was fear so strong in his eyes I could almost taste it; he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment."
"For a couple of days I knew he was debating something, it was a constant puzzled look that haunted his face. I was going to confront him about it but I had been confined to my room, a victim of unmerciful morning sickness. When Michael didn't visit me, as sick as I was, I knew something was wrong." Jessica licked her lips. "It was as it had been before and I barely saw him for months."
"It was two nights before I went into labour that I saw him flee into the night. It was the colliding of hooves and cobbles that awoke me. I wondered if it was the doctor or a messenger so I got up to look from my window that overlooked the courtyard. The moon was full in the sky and it shone upon one side of Michael's face; I shall never forget it."
"Our stable boy was with him, loading the horse with bags before Michael, dressed in riding clothes and a travelling cloak, mounted the steed. It was the sure look in his eyes that broke my heart, shattered it into pieces. To see him gallop off into the black of the night was what drove me to insanity. I watched the spot, lit by the moonlight that he disappeared from until dawn burst through the window and my maid came to prepare me for the day."
"My world had been plunged into a chaotic darkness but I knew I had to keep going for the child inside of me. Once the gift of life had been given I could take it away from myself. Before the birth I felt the clenches of depressed and even the sight of the babe in my arms could do nothing more than haunt me."
Jessica swallowed, fresh tears on her face.
"Postnatal depression was not a thing in those days, just weakness and I was pronounced the weakest of all souls. I hung myself and I remember how unafraid I was and that, more than anything, still frightens me."
I wanted to reach for her, to take her hand and tell her that I understood. But Jessica was not so eager to linger.
"As for Emily, my beautiful, beautiful baby girl, I knew Michael's parents or brother would look after her and give her the life she deserved. I don't blame her for anything but if I did, it would be that she looked so much like her father." Jessica sniffed and once more wiped the tears from her face.
"Kieran was wonderful. I remember he was dressed in white, among a soft mist. He was calm and assuring and didn't judge me. He hadn't been doing his job long when he'd rescued me but he'd already recruited Vince and I wanted to join him, the want inside me hurt more than my loss. Everything about him was so welcoming and I could relate to him. So when he offered his hand, I did not hesitate to take it." A small smile touched her lips before flickering back into their frown.
"I'd spent a week away from Emily before I went to see her. She had been taken away by Michael's brother who took her to England where he and his wife were establishing a cotton business. As for Michael, he had returned for me. After going to the home he'd set up for his scullery maid before my godfather died, he had realised he had indeed been in love with me all along and had only been frightened about the prospects of fatherhood. And, with neither a babe or a wife to welcome him home, Michael too was consumed by such self loathing he did not see any further purpose in his existence."
"Kieran brought him to me; he knew how I was pining for him, despite my reasonable happiness. Vince, Kieran and I, at that time were all sharing a town house in what is now New Southampton in America. I was sitting on the window seat when he brought Michael in. Neither Michael nor I knew what he'd done for us. Michael silently came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder and said nothing and I understood."
"I didn't ask for his excuses because when you love someone it doesn't matter. I thought I was never going to be able to hold Michael in my arms again. I'd have given anything to have done that just once but now I could do it forever. The grief of the child we both lost is something we shall for ever share in, it is a guilt we can never be free of but we would have it no other way. Emily is our punishment but also our greatest reward as she lived a long and happy life filled with love, and that we cannot regret." Jessica then fell silent and left the matter to lie. I grappled for something to say, some opinion on her saga but nothing seemed worthy.
"You don't have to say anything Chris, in fact I appreciate your sincerity in not offering empty words of reply. Your willingness to listen and to be unprejudiced is more than I could have hoped for." Jessica smiled and all I could do was nod, unconvinced my silence could have such meaning.
We stopped a couple of times before reaching our destination. Andrea and Sophia remained silent in the back and Jessica and I composed a more trivial conversation now and again. But soon, I was once again pulled into sleep by the demands of my exhaustion and who was I to object?
This time I dreamed of indigo eyes and the crooked smile of the suicidal ringleader. I could not have complained at the vision of Indigo though I was grateful he was, at present, a dream and nothing more.
It was the soft nudge of Jessica's cool hand that woke me. I blinked, somewhat disorintated but appeased by the calm, relaxed smile on Jessica's face. I peered at her enquiringly, my eyebrow raised in question. From her perfectly curved lips she uttered but two words;
"We're here."
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Hello Indie-Go Gos,
Let me apologise in advance if this chapter is utterly incoherent. I have university deadlines fast approaching and I wanted to get a chapter out as soon as possible! My question is would you prefer a somewhat readable chapter like this, on time or a well edited chapter...not on time? It's completely up to you as I can do both!
So what do you think of Jessica and Michael's story? It's a little unpolished, I might refine it at a later date but I would love to know what you think in the meantime.
As always, thank you for your continued love and support!
Bekah x