I'm gonna warn you guys. There's a lot of swearing towards the end of the chapter, and Jean has a bit of a freak out, so if that'll bother you, you might want to just skim over it.
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Chapter 28
Mom was sitting at the table reading a book and sipping a coffee when we walked in. "You two were out for a long time." She looked over at us above the rims of her glasses. "You didn't get into any trouble, did you?"
Marco looked at her seriously. "No, ma'am."
I just shook my head. "No, Mom. We didn't do anything." She opened her mouth to say something else, but I cut her off. "And before you ask, no, we didn't have sex." She closed her mouth and grinned. Uh huh. That's what I thought.
Next to me, Marco started blushing. "N-no! We wouldn't. People could see us outside!" Mom and I looked at each other before we both busted out laughing. "Hey! I'm serious--that'd be weird."
I nudged him with the back of my hand. "Go upstairs," I laughed. He seemed to pout, but headed towards the stairs anyway. Upstairs, Eren and Mikasa were fast asleep. It wasn't until I looked at the alarm clock that I realized that it was almost quarter til eleven. Wow. We really did stay out pretty late.
Marco stood awkwardly at the foot of my bed. I couldn't help but smile at how uncomfortable he looked. "Did you bring pajamas?" He nodded. "Do you want to put them on?" He nodded again.
We stood there another couple moments before he finally shook himself. "Oh, right." He set his bundle on the bed and pulled out a tee shirt and pajama pants. "I'll be right back."
I nodded, and he went down the stairs again. While he was down there, I changed into just a pair of shorts--hey, I got hot during the night, and I liked being able to keep the blankets over me. I pulled the blankets back and buried myself beneath them, pulling them up to my chin.
A few moments later, Marco came up. He dropped his stuff in the corner and crawled across the bed to get up to the top. I pulled the blankets back again and let him in. Once he got settled down, I reached across him and turned the lamp off.
It wasn't as awkward getting comfortable as it was the night before, thankfully. We were both on our sides facing each other, limbs a tangled mess and bodies pressed close together.
We talked in hushed tones about nothing in particular. It was nice. I still couldn't get over how... relieved I felt to finally talk to somebody. I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. I honest to God didn't know that I could talk this much. I'm more surprised that he hadn't told me to shut up already.
It must've been almost midnight when we started falling asleep. The sound of one of the doors opening and voices kept me awake. They were quiet, but it was dead silent in the cabin except for the sound of breathing, so it was easy to hear them.
It was Mom and Dad. "What was your deal today?" she asked him.
"My deal? What are you talking about?"
I could imagine Mom raising an eyebrow and giving him a stern look. "You were being an ass."
"Oh."
I could tell Marco was listening even if he was pretending not to by the way he had turned his head, so his ear was turned towards them.
"Oh is right. What was up?" I heard a sound like she was setting her book down.
"Nothing was wrong I--hey, don't give me that look." Pause. "Would you quit that, shitty glasses? It's unnerving." Another pause. "It isn't my fault you got hurt! What else did you want me to do?"
Hurt? What is he-- It dawned on me then. He was talking about mine and Mom's modified conversation in the kitchen about the birds and the bees. Was she still upset? I apologized, and I meant it. Did she not believe me? She said she believed me--said it was okay. Was... was she lying to me?
I heard the chair get pushed back. Walking or pacing. "I didn't get hurt. What makes you think that?"
He grumbled for a few moments. "I could see your face from outside. You were obviously upset. And I could hear what you guys were saying, and I just... I got mad."
"Hm." I could tell she was nodding. "Maybe I was a bit upset. But it's okay. He didn't mean it. It's his defense mechanism." Her voice was gentle. "You know this, seeing as how he's our son, and he has been for almost eighteen years."
"I know that," he replied. I could tell he was getting frustrated. "But you think he could be a bit more tactful or at least learn how to rein it in every once in a while."
I realized Marco was looking at me while he was listening, not even bothering to pretend to be asleep anymore.
"Levi, you know he's done a really good job of 'reining it in', as you say. This is the first real outburst in a long time." Her voice was still patient.
"Yeah, cause he's always in his room ignoring us," he muttered.
She went on as if he hadn't even spoken. "And it was only because I freaked him out. It's not a big deal."
"Freaked him out?" He was getting upset again but still managed to keep his voice low. "I don't care if he got freaked out--he hurt your feelings! You coddle him too much."
"I don't 'coddle' him at all. He has... a long history of bad emotions. You know that too. I don't like stressing him out."
I could see the wheels turning in Marco's head, trying to figure out what Mom meant. Dread filled my abdomen, and I got goosebumps. Don't figure it out, please. Guys, don't say it. Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...
"He was depressed, Hanji." I closed my eyes and felt my stomach drop as I let out a quiet breath. He said it. He fucking said it. Yes, I had been depressed when I was younger, and it wasn't something I liked to think about very much because of how painful it was.
"He isn't now," he continued after a deliberate pause. "You need to quit treating him like a child. You can't protect him when he goes into college. He needs to grow up and learn to control his emotions and his mouth."
"Oh, Jean...," Marco breathed. I refused to open my eyes. I didn't want to see them fill with pity. With sadness. With sympathy. I didn't want it, and I sure as shit didn't need it. Not now, not ever.
"Levi, that's enough," she said sharply but still quietly. "I don't know what crawled up your ass and died, but I don't like it."
"What the hell? Crawled up my--"
"Yes, what crawled up yours. You need to knock it off." She sounded totally pissed now. "Did anything you say this morning mean something to you? Cause I'm starting to think it didn't. Jean is trying, Levi. He's trying. On the way to the lake tonight he apologized for saying what he did. If you'd been there, you would know that he obviously meant it. He was upset too. Don't think I didn't notice those looks you were throwing him all evening. You hurt his feelings too."
He scoffed. "Feelings."
"He has emotions too, you know. As you so elegantly put it earlier, he had depression, and getting glares from his own father over something small does not help. Despite what you say and what he thinks, he isn't Superman. He's still human. He can still get hurt--he's fragile."
"I'm not fragile," I whispered, feeling tears prick at my still-closed eyes. "I-I'm over it. I'm not..." I hated the way the words twisted in my gut. I fucking hated how each syllable felt like a dagger against my skin, leaving permanent scars all over me.
"Just because you aren't close to him--"
"What does that have to do with anything?" he asked harshly.
"It must have a lot to do with everything. You have a great relationship with our other kids, and that's terrific. I wouldn't change that. But not so much with our oldest, and it seems like you don't even want to."
I felt Marco take my hand in his, but I didn't respond. I didn't think I'd ever be able to move again. God knows I didn't want to.
"I do. He doesn't seem to want one back."
There was a frosty pause. "Have you been paying attention at all?" she asked, deadly quiet. "He has been reaching out to you for years, Levi! More so after he got better. It doesn't seem like it now because he isn't--he's stopped trying. He gave up on you."
"This trip... he's trying again, and you are failing. Again. Don't fail him again. If you do, there will be no third time's a charm. He'll be done. For good. And so will I. So I suggest that you get your shit together and be the father he deserves."
There was a long pause and a click, and I realized she must've gone into the bedroom. "Oh, God," he groaned. "I..." He sighed. I heard a poof! like he'd flopped onto the couch. "I'm sorry, Hanji," he said quietly. "I'm so sorry."
And I think that was what threw me over the edge. He might've been sorry, but he wasn't sorry that he'd hurt me. That he said so many things behind my back. He was sorry that he might lose Mom, and that hurt even more. I knew I sounded selfish, but this wasn't about him losing her. This was about him losing me, and I guess I never really thought about it, but all Mom said was true. I wouldn't keep doing this. I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would rip me to shreds mentally and emotionally.
I'd never been one to cry loudly, and that held true even now. Tears spilled down my cheeks, and I started shaking. I curled up into a ball, numb yet in pain at the same time. I couldn't feel Marco trying to comfort me and hold me. Yet I still didn't make a sound.
Until I did.
It was a small sound. A pain-filled, heart-shattering cry. But it was enough.
"Kids?"
I bit my lip to keep from making any more noise. He didn't need to hear it. He didn't get to know that I was in pain. He probably didn't even fucking care. All he cared about was my siblings and my mom. He didn't love me. He didn't even like me. This morning was a big load of bullshit. I was so God damned stupid for thinking that he loved me. He lived with me, for God's sake. Of course he would know that I got good grades and wanted a motorcycle.
I heard the stairs creak some. I realized Marco was rubbing my back, trying in vain to get me to calm down. "Shh shh shh...," he was saying. "Calm down. It probably isn't as bad as you think it is."
I saw Dad's head show up at the top, and I almost screamed at him to get the fuck out of my life--yes, I knew that was impossible, but I still wanted to say it--but I managed to "rein it in".
He looked at Eren and Mikasa first--of course. Once he saw that they were sleeping peacefully, he looked over to my bed. He seemed confused for a split second before remembering that there was an extra person in the cabin with us.
Marco looked like he was caught between a rock and a hard place, and I didn't blame him.
It was dark enough up here that you couldn't see things in detail, but I guess I looked terrible because he said, "Jean, are you alright?"
"I'm fine," I replied hoarsely.
He stepped a little closer and furrowed his eyebrows. "You don't look fine. Did you have a bad dream or something?"
I clenched my jaw. "No."
"Then what's--"
"Go away."
"What? Why?" He managed to sound confused, but his eyes couldn't hide the worry. He wasn't stupid.
"You don't care. Go away."
Pause. "Did...? Were you...?"
"Yes," I said, my voice devoid of emotion. "I heard every fucking word. I'm glad I mean so much to you. I'm thrilled that you think so highly of me. Sorry for screwing your life up."
"Jean, I--"
"Get out of here!" My voice was getting louder--loud enough to possibly wake Mikasa and Eren up--but I didn't care. "Just get the hell away from me. I don't wanna see you right now. I knew I should've pretended to be sick and stayed home."
"Don't say that."
"Go!" I waved my hands about. "Get the fuck away from me!"
"Quit dropping the f bomb."
In the bed next to us, Eren started to move around. He rubbed his eyes. "What's goin' on?" he asked drowsily.
"Nothing," Dad said. "Go back to sleep."
"I don't think you can tell me what I can and can't do. It's not like you care," I told him bitterly.
"Of course I care."
"Go away!" I all but yelled.
We looked at each other for another couple moments before he nodded and went back downstairs. Before he left, he said, "Night. I love you, Jean."
I couldn't bring myself to even answer. I wasn't sure if I was relieved that he left me alone or sad that he left me again.