Rule #9: Save a damsel in distress (it never fails to make you feel better). Sometimes being a hero can get you down, give you the blues, and you need some kind of pick-me-up. Sure, the usual standbys may work (sad music, exercising, booze, whatever you're into), but heroes sometimes need an added boost. And that added boost can come from saving a damsel in distress. Don't worry, I'm not subscribing to gender roles here. Damsels, for lack of another word, can come in many forms. I don't care who you save ― a kitten, a dude, a girl, a tree ― but I can guarantee no matter who it is, it will make you feel better. It's just a perk of being a hero.
So, since we had promised, Rachel and I went to the superhero meeting with Dan. I'd like to say that we flew in like the bosses that we were (and are, let's be honest), but instead we took Dan's lame car. The guy, for some reason, still didn't trust me to fly myself to the meeting, let alone taking him and Rachel as well. You fly into a lamp post one time... Some things are just unfair. Also Dan said that he didn't want me making a fool of us as we landed at the meeting. Which is, I guess, fair. But he totally would have been the one to embarrass us, not me.
Anyway, once we got to the meeting basically everyone else was already there. Okay, I'll admit it, we were kind of late. But it wasn't my fault! Rachel had decided that she looked ugly at the last minute and held us up by trying to make herself look more grown up with makeup (there's only so much makeup can do). It took TWENTY MINUTES, I'm not even kidding. It was ridiculous. Naturally this meant that Dan was completely freaking out when we walked in the building. It's really what he does best.
"They're going to be so mad," he mutters as he pushes us to the elevator.
"Chill, dude," I said. "They're not your parents. Things will be okay."
"You don't know what they're like! They... they get very testy. Especially with me." By this point I was pretty freaked out. Dan was stressed even for him. Rachel and I just sort of looked at each other in confusion. And as comforting as that moment where you and someone else can silently agree that someone is completely crazy, it doesn't actually do much. Once that moment's over all you have left is a crazy person, which sucks.
"Ah, there they are," PG (you know, Purple Guy) said as we rushed into the room. "You're just in time."
"They're late," another hero, this one in blue, said.
"For the meeting, yes, but not for their demonstration."
"Technicalities."
"I'm so sorry for being late," Dan said. "I have no excuses, just regret."
This seemed to appease everyone, not that they seemed too upset to begin with, but the blue hero still looked rather grumpy. He glared at all three of us like we'd tracked in mud onto a white carpet.
"It's quite all right, Daring Dan. Why don't you and- I'm sorry, what did you name yourself again?" PG asked me.
"Mighty Matt. And he named me," I growled, pointing to Dan who actually looked proud.
"Wonderful. Daring Dan why don't you and Mighty Matt come up to the front so you can demonstrate the progress you've made."
Dan nodded and ushered me into the space the heroes had cleared out for us. Anyone could tell that he was nervous, there was sweat sneaking out from under his mask, but he tried to remain calm for my sake, not that that helped. I thought I was about to shit my pants. Every hero in the area, all of them better trained than both of us, was waiting to see if I was any good and, subsequently, if I was worth putting their faith into. Part of me, my usual cocky and overconfident self, wanted to just say "screw it" and get this over with. But the other part of me was paralyzed by fear. For a split second I considered just flying out of the room and going to Hawaii or something, whatever it took to get away from this, but before I could Dan was attacking me.
Even though there is something fairly terrifying about someone attacking you, this made me feel much better rather than standing there waiting to be judged. Fighting, specifically fighting Dan, let me focus on my instincts rather than the unknown. We weren't doing a particularly intricate fight, I wasn't good enough yet to not embarrass both of us, but as I did it I felt pretty impressive. Things were clicking and I didn't feel like I was about to trip or anything, which was a pretty good sign. I tried to avoid looking at the crowd, it would make me more nervous and might get me hit in the face, but I caught a look at Rachel and even she looked impressed. If she didn't look annoyed then that had to be a good sign.
When we finished there were a few moments of silence. Maybe they were letting us catch our breath or maybe they were just in awe of us (I hope), but there was a definite pause before the heroes made their response known. Since he was running the meeting, PG spoke first.
"That was... fantastic."
"Really?" Dan said.
"Yes! I mean, Mighty Matt here still has a while to go but his progress thus far looks splendid. You've done a very nice job with him."
"Thank you." Dan was practically glowing with delight.
"Does anyone else have any comments?" PG said. "Please try to keep it constructive but we'd like to know what you all think."
What followed was a long rambling session on the behalf of all of the more talkative heroes. None of them said much at all, which wasn't very helpful, but they did seem to approve of us for the most part, which was good. They mostly just made comments about our technique, which didn't seem to bother Dan at all. He explained to me later that every hero likes to "put their own spin on things" so sometimes the heroes tended to argue whose way was better. After a few comments I started to zone out, it seemed like no one would ever say anything interesting, but then the hero that had been grumpy with us earlier, the one in blue, stepped forward.
"Who is that?" I whispered to Dan.
"He calls himself The Blue Mind."
"So he has some kind of mind control?"
"You'd think so but no. He just likes the name I guess."
It was obvious that The Blue Mind did not have anything nice to say. He walked toward us with his arms crossed over his chest, giving us (meaning me) the dirtiest look I had ever seen (and that's saying something when you remember that I'm related to Rachel). Everyone immediately backed up to give him room, possibly in fear that his anger would be directed towards them as well.
"I can't believe all of you, standing here complimenting these pathetic excuses for heroes," he said. "Did you two seriously think you were impressive? Well, it wasn't. The whole demonstration was completely ridiculous."
"Now, now-" PG said, jumping into peacemaker mode.
"Let me speak! You may be able to convince everyone else that this teenage idiot is worthy of representing us but I am not so easily swayed."
I half expected PG to pick a fight right then, he looked like he was about to, but instead he backed off as well and left Dan and I defenseless. Deserved or not, we were in for quite a scolding.
"Listen up, everyone," The Blue Mind said, like people hadn't been listening before. "We need to put an end to this little experiment right now. You are all smart people, at least sometimes, and you should all be able to see that this child is too immature and idiotic to be a true hero."
"I like the alliteration," I whispered only to have Dan shush me.
"This boy is supposed to be the savior of our city!" The Blue Mind continued. "We are putting all of our faith in him. If he fails, we lose everything. Our home, our families... Possibly even our lives. Let me ask you this: do you really think that he is up to the task? Do you really think that this kid, this hormonal teenager who probably spends his free time reading dirty magazines, is worthy of being our protector? I sure don't."
Immediately the whole room collapsed into a mountain of hushed whispers. I could already feel the crowd turning against us.
"The dirty magazine thing was a little much, don't you think?" I asked.
"Well, is he wrong?" Dan replied.
"No."
"Then get over it."
Hearing our whispering, The Blue Mind shot us another dirty look before speaking again.
"I know what you're going to say: 'But Daring Dan is watching out for him! He's training him and making sure he's ready!'. But come on, people! When has Daring Dan proved himself to be a responsible hero? Would you choose him to save all of us? Then why would you trust him to train the hero that will? Even if this kid does have some sort of potential, an idiot like Daring Dan would never be able to get it out of him."
"That's so not cool," Dan said.
"Well, is he wrong?" I replied mockingly.
"Shut up."
"Yes, sir."
"Are you quite finished?" PG said. I jumped a little, thinking that he was mad at us too, but he was talking to The Blue Mind instead.
"Yes, I believe I am," The Blue Mind replied, moving to blend back into the crowd.
"Wait one second," a voice from the crowd said. "I have a response for your little speech."
Out of the crowd came a woman dressed all in gold. In a word, she was stunning. And not in that "hormonal teenaged boy" way. Like she was stunning because she was glowing. Not beautiful glowing but LITERALLY GLOWING. We were all so in awe of her no one said anything as she made her way through the crowd to stand in front of The Blue Mind. I was so shocked that it took me a second to realize that I recognized her. Suddenly Dan's whole conversation after the fight with Laser Linus made sense.
Kelly Barnes was the woman in gold.
I caught Rachel's eye, trying not to completely freak out a blow Kelly's cover. Rachel's eyes were wide, she was obviously as surprised as I was.
"Is that?" I mouthed to her.
"I think it is." she mouthed back.
I turned to Dan, looking to see his reaction. But he didn't seem to have one, he was just looking on like nothing had happened. I figured that he must have known about all of this and learned over, deciding to play dumb.
"Do you know who that is?" I asked.
"Of course I do," he said, without looking at me. "That's Golden Fire, one of the other heroes."
I turned to Rachel, mouthing "he doesn't know." She made a face as if to say "is he blind?" or maybe "is he that stupid?" I just shrugged and turned back to Dan.
"What do you know about her?" I asked.
"Not much. Just that she's fairly new and that she has some kind of heat powers. She has heat vision, I think, and possibly the ability to throw fire as well."
"That's all?"
"That's all. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." If he was that dumb, I couldn't tell him. It would be too weird.
Kelly (AKA Golden Fire) reached the center of the room and stared The Blue Mind right in the eye. By the look on his face you could tell that he was already giving up. The guy was scared shitless (and for good reason, I wouldn't want to mess with her).
"So you think that you can speak for all of us? That you are the one who should decide if someone is able to represent us properly?" she said.
"Yes," The Blue Mind replied weakly.
"And what gives you the right? Are you secretly the most powerful of us? Are you suddenly the most talented? The smartest? Because I don't think you are. Just last week I saw you struggling to save a cat from a tree. Personally, I think someone as idiotic as yourself shouldn't call anyone else an idiot."
"Excuse me, I don't know who you-"
"I'm not finished so please keep whatever you were going to say to yourself." She turned back to the crowd.
"Let me just say, I don't want to lie to you all. We all know that Daring Dan is not the perfect hero and that Mighty Matt is not quite ready to meet our enemy. But don't think that all hope is lost. I have seen definite progress here today and I think they should be given the chances they deserve. I am positive that Daring Dan will prove that he is an excellent teacher and that Mighty Matt will realize his great potential. I will be proud to see him save the day." She turned to smile at both of us and I couldn't help but notice that Dan's face turned bright red. It looked like Golden Fire had as much of an effect on him as her alter ego did.
"I agree completely," PG said. "Blue Mind, I think that everyone will take your concerns into account. But Daring Dan and Mighty Matt have given us no reason to worry so far so please keep from complaining any more."
Most everyone in the crowd seemed to agree with this statement. Dan and I were able to go back into the crowd and stand with Rachel while PG wrapped up the meeting. Kelly stayed over by PG but walked over to us, ever so coolly, as soon as everyone started to leave.
"Here she comes," Rachel whispered.
"How does he not notice?" I said.
"Because he's an idiot."
"Oh, right. Yeah that about covers it."
"So that was interesting," Kelly said when she reached us.
"Never a dull moment with this bunch," Dan replied, looking much more excited than he had before she had walked over. How did he not notice that it was her? Sure, she was wearing a mask but she had the same voice and stature. It seemed impossible that he didn't realize.
"I'm just glad that everything worked out. They'd be sad if we lost you two." She was technically saying this to Dan and I but she clearly only had eyes for him.
"Well I don't know about that but I know we're always better off when we have the input of heroes such as yourself."
"You're too kind," Kelly said, putting her hand on his arm for second. Rachel and I exchanged a look.
"Oh I'm just... a guy I guess," Dan said, staring at her hand and barely knowing what to do with himself.
"That you are."
There was a moment of awkward silence. Anyone (read: anyone but Dan) could tell that Kelly was giving Dan an opening. To ask her out, continue the conversation, whatever he wanted. But Dan obviously had not gotten the memo and instead stood there like an idiot. Naturally, Kelly assumed that this meant that he was not interested (again, Dan is an idiot), and she took her opportunity to get the hell out of there.
"Well, I better get going. There's people to save."
"All right, I'll see you later," Dan said, still not understanding what the fuck was going on.
"Okay." She turned to Rachel and I as she walked away. "Bye everyone." The disappointment was clear on Kelly's face. Poor girl, she was so out of his league but still so infatuated.
"Wait, one second," I said to Rachel, rushing to catch up with Kelly.
She was almost out of the room when I caught up with her. As soon as she saw it was me she motioned for me to follow her into the hall, automatically understanding that this might not be a conversation she'd want to have in front of people. She started talking as soon as we were out of earshot, not even giving me the chance to speak.
"Please don't tell anyone."
"Huh?" Telling anyone had been the last thing on my mind.
"I know you know who I am and please don't tell anyone. Yes, I know it's a conflict of interest to be a reporter and a hero but I promise that I don't take advantage of that. Please, Matt, I'll do anything."
"Kelly, I wasn't planning on telling anyone. What you do in your free time is your business."
"Okay, you don't have to say it like that."
"What do you mean?"
"When you say that 'what I do in my free time is my business' that way it makes it seem like I'm a stripper or something. We have the same night job."
"I feel like no matter what you say you twist it around."
She sighed. "You're right, I'm sorry. It's a reporter thing."
"Don't worry about it. It's a cool trick."
"Thanks."
"So if people found out it would be pretty bad, huh?" I said.
"It would be awful. Any journalism credibility I have would go out the window."
"Then I won't tell anyone. Even Dan, who apparently doesn't realize that Golden Fire is Kelly Barnes and vise versa."
"Yeah I sensed that. How does he not realize?" she asked, laughing.
"Because Dan is an idiot. If you're going to try to date him you're going to have to get used to that."
"I guess I will."
"You know, this whole time I got it wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"Before I thought you were Lois Lane," I said. "But you're really Clark Kent."
Kelly smiled. "I never thought of it that way but yeah, I guess you're right."
"Matt?" Dan, who had come out into the hall with Rachel, asked. "Are you ready to go now?"
"Uh, yeah. Ke-Golden Fire and I were just getting to know each other."
"That's good. But we better get going."
"Yes, sir." I turned back to Kelly. "It was nice meeting you."
"Likewise. Bye Dan."
"Bye," Dan said, walking away. How many times can I call him an idiot before it loses all meaning? I feel like I've reached that limit.
None of us said anything as we made our way out to the parking lot, where Dan's car was waiting for us. Rachel looked too tired to function, I was still mulling over the meeting, and Dan... well Dan was probably thinking about one of his crushes (oh to be innocent and naive). It was only when we got into the car that Dan spoke.
"That Golden Fire is nice, huh?"
"Yeah, she's great," I said, giving Rachel a look.
"Cute too."
"Mhmm."
"It makes me feel kind of guilty though."
"Why?" Rachel asked.
"Because I think I have a little bit of a crush on her. It's not good to have crushes on more than one person."
"What do you mean?"
"Well I feel the same about Golden Fire as I do about that reporter. It's not right."
"Kelly Barnes?" I asked.
"Yes. It just seems wrong somehow. To like two women."
"Yeah, I agree." I looked in the rearview mirror, hoping that she understood that I didn't want her to tell Dan. Luckily, she did (or she at least guessed that it probably wasn't the best idea.
"Okay let's get you two home," Dan said, pulling out of the parking lot, still not knowing how much he didn't understand.