Evelyn looked at me, her hair a mess on her head and flowing in knotted locks. Her eyes were wild. We were laying staring at each other but not saying anything. I couldn't tell if she was starting to regret what the drink sparked up, I shouldn't have let her I knew that, but I couldn't bring myself to say no. I wanted it too much. I wanted her, but not only in this way.
I wanted to take her to my house to meet my family. I wanted to build a future with both of us in it. I wanted to hold her close at night until we fell asleep. I wanted to protect her from all of the bad things and keep her safe. I wanted to fight with her and make up afterwards, feeling even closer than we'd been before. I wanted to learn everything about her, revise every inch of her body and mind until I knew it like the back of my hand. I wanted to kiss her, softly. I wanted to buy her gifts and make her laugh. I wanted to cook her dinner in our new house together. I wanted to propose to her and for her to say yes, of course, yes. I wanted to have a family with her and grow old with her and die with her. I didn't want to be apart from her. It had been only four months, but I knew I wanted all of this and that would never change.
"We need to keep this between us." She said quietly, I think the alcohol was starting to wear off. She hadn't had all that much.
"Okay." I said.
"I'm not ashamed, and it's not that I didn't like it. I just don't think you want hassle from Lucas, or others to know our business. I hate that, people knowing everything there is to know about you. There's romance in mystery." She said.
I walked alone toward my dorm. My hair was a mess but it just looked like I'd run my hands through it too much in class, which I had missed; again.
There weren't many people around so I just meandered slowly until I got to my door, where I pulled out my key and let myself in.
I shut the door behind me and then leant back against it looking over my room; all of my things out on the desk, the shelves, the floor. I looked at my bed, sheets pushed to the foot and pillow thrown on the floor. It was always like that if I'd had a nightmare.
I had books. They were old ones that Steven had loved and dad had bought. Nobody wanted them and they were on their way to a charity shop when I stole them back. I would never read them. They just reminded me of them.
Half of my clothes were on the floor or over my desk chair. I wanted to put them away but I felt myself getting a bit angry and I didn't know why. I could feel my heartbeat in my forehead and my fists were balled up and I couldn't put my finger on why. A huge pool of anger was bubbling up inside me, like a volcano trying not to erupt.
I had to let it out.
I felt myself striding over to the far wall of my room. My arm pulled back like I was an archer, and my fist was thrown forward as it smashed into the plaster. It crumbled down from the wall and my knuckles were pulsing with a sharp feeling, that wasn't pain. I kept smashing my fist against the wall, over and over and over again. Every time it didn't feel like it was enough. The sound was probably loud, echoing down the halls of the block. I didn't know anyone except for Tarim in the block, and he was the other side of the hall anyway. Also he was probably off being happy with Lucas, balls deep in some guy who loved him back - the lucky bastard.
I couldn't hear a thing; it might as well have been wool I was punching because all I could hear was a loud ringing in my ear. I kicked the wall too, and went at it with my other fist because I felt like I was leaving it out. I kicked the wall again and kept punching. It just made me angrier because it wasn't fighting back, and Evelyn didn't love me - especially not how I loved her.
I felt arms around my torso, trying to pull me away from the wall. Someone tried to stop my arms punching. There was more than one of them. I didn't know who it was. They made me angrier; they were trying to stop me. I spun with my vision a blur and punched the nearest one square in the face before passing out, so all I could see was black.
When my eyes opened it was bright, sun was streaming through my window. I stayed on my back, staring up at the ceiling. It was late afternoon, I could tell by the way the heat felt against my skin. I felt so calm, so tired.
"You're awake." Someone said, his voice was gravelly and I recognised it. I sat up to see Tarim in my desk chair, staring at me with a massive black eye and cut on his cheek. "You have a powerful punch, you should sign up for boxing." He paused for a bit, he knew I was just looking at the black a blue on his face, the dried blood that came out of the cut. It was guilt that rushed over me, not calm.
"If you think I look bad then you don't want to look at your wall." Tarim added, smiling a devious grin. I didn't understand why he didn't hate me. He was acting friendly. Although I barely knew the bloke, we'd had about a single conversation yet I knew one of his darkest secrets. I'd always been too caught up in Evelyn to pay attention to him or Lucas really. I felt bad.
I turned my head to look at my wall. Most of the plaster was on the floor, waiting to be swept up. The bricks were visible and most had cracks down all of them. A few were even out of place, dislodged by an angry and inconsiderate fool. "Shit." I grumbled. Tarim laughed.
"Get out of bed you lazy shit, we're going for a drive and you're gonna tell me what's wrong with you." He said, throwing a shirt at me just as I realised I wasn't wearing one. I picked it, catching sight of my hands. They were caked with blood, one was black and blue and the other: through all of the dried blood I could see the whites of my knuckles.
"And on the way back I'll take you to the medics on campus, you'll be fine it's all dried anyway." Tarim added. I nodded, too exhausted to argue with him, and honestly I didn't care what happened to me. I wasn't irreplaceable. I was just a small tog in a big machine. Not massively important.
I got up and pulled on the shirt he'd tossed to me, following him out of the door and locking it behind me. I put the key in my pocket like I always did and walked in step with Tarim toward the parking lot. He was the same height as me and had good hair.
"Where's Lucas?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
"He had an assignment to sort, said he'd come find us later. He thought you were gonna punch him, not me he flinched and everything." Tarim said, chuckling to himself.
"Where did you guys even come from?" I asked him as we climbed into his car. It was a nice car, a big four-by-four in black; beasty engine.
"We were walking to my room, to pick up some money before coming to find you and Evelyn. The plan was to go somewhere for lunch, 'cause we were hungry and hadn't seen y'all in a few days. Some guy comes running up saying our friend's bashing the crap out of something, they could hear it from their room. We get to your room and some guy is already opening your door, turned out to be the one lives next door to me. Us three all go in and try stopping you but you're not listening to us. Lucas started shouting something like you gotta stop before you get in shit. I just focused on yanking you away 'cause you were getting blood everywhere. Then you hit me and collapsed. We hauled you onto the bed with your feet up and I waited with you 'til you came round."
By the time Tarim had finished talking the campus was out of sight and we were on our way somewhere I didn't know. For some reason I felt like I could trust him, he was honest and kept his nose out of other people's business. He felt like a true friend, yet this was probably the first time we'd had a real conversation.
"So what got you so pissed?"
"I'm not sure. I was just really angry and pissed off. I got in and just, I don't know really." I said. We pulled into a gas station, a few miles from the college. Tarim turned off the engine and turned to face me.
"Something must have triggered it man, that doesn't just happen off the bat." He pushed. "What happened?"
"I went to see Evelyn this morning, walk her to class 'cause we took philosophy together. She wanted me to do her hair first so I did. She started telling me stuff and that she was drunk but I shouldn't feel like I was taking advantage. I went with it 'cause she hadn't had that much. Then after..."
"Wait," Tarim interrupted. "You fucked Evelyn?"
"Yes...but she said we shouldn't tell anyone so you have to keep that to yourself." I said quickly. Tarim nodded.
"And then?" He asked.
"I just went to my dorm and got angry." I said.
"Why? You don't love her, do you?"
I just didn't say anything.
"Fuck." Tarim muttered under his breath.