"The sun is shining and we are going out!" A low voice sung to me. I opened my tired eyes to see Evelyn whipping open my curtains and twirling about in the sunlight it cast through my room. She looked magnificent, like I'd been awoken by a goddess.
I couldn't help but smile.
"Where are we going?" I asked. My morning voice was low and croaky, I sounded horrific and I feared that Evelyn agreed. But it was just a voice; the sun was just a candle.
"That, my dear fellow, is a surprise." She said, spinning on her toe and landing facing me with a wide grin on her careless, youthful face. She was so beautiful, but I doubted I would ever have the guts to tell her.
I got up and pulled on some clothes, then followed her out of the room. When we had gotten out of the dorm block, I spotted Tarim and Lucas ahead of us just as they spotted us. Tarim nodded toward us, as if to say hello. Evelyn ran up to the two of them and had a group hug, she'd seen them the day before so I didn't get what they had done to deserve it that I hadn't. I told myself not to read anything into it.
"Can you tell me where we're going now?" Lucas asked. I was about to say the same thing, so I just nodded in silent agreement, though, I may as well have just not bothered as no one noticed. I didn't blame them. What was there to notice?
"There's a bonfire party on the beach today, but I wanted to stop for lunch on the way. There: proof that I am a good friend, who takes her buddies out for a good time. Don't tell me I don't treat you guys." Evelyn said, twirling her car keys on her finger. We followed her to her car.
I still felt so new to the group, as if I didn't really belong. I felt like Evelyn's pet, who she took places with and had to keep an eye on but who her friends didn't really care about. I felt out of place like I shouldn't have been there, and I felt as if I should have just stayed a loner here.
I could never tell if Evelyn was that girl Steven had told me to avoid once. "You'll feel it in the pit of your stomach, telling you that she's dangerous, like a flame. You're instinct should be to run away, to steer clear; but you might get drawn in, and you'll only get burned." I could feel it in the put of my stomach; these butterflies that could make me do anything she asked. I knew she was bad, but there was something about the way she made me feel, something about the way I felt when I was around her. I felt like I was in the presence of someone important, like a groupie.
"Shotgun." Tarim called, as we got near to Evelyn's car. Lucas gave him a thump, but then patted the area on his arm better and apologised. I doubted Tarim had felt it, but I guess Lucas was just being a good friend. I wasn't one to judge.
I got in the back with Lucas, and I sat behind Tarim. I felt like I couldn't look at Evelyn, like Lucas would spot and that he wouldn't like it. He gave the impression of being a bit like an older brother to her sometimes. He cared for her when she was too drunk to function and glared off any guys who looked her way. He'd warned me off. I didn't get the vibe that he liked her, but I couldn't be sure so a part of me was wary of him. I knew I liked Evelyn too, but I was certain it was just a silly crush that I would get over.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, so I pulled it out as Evelyn pulled out of her parking space. It was Steven: "Hey just finished clearing dad's stuff from the house. If you want to go through it let me know. I'll get it down from the loft." Steven had been planning to empty the house for ages, he still lived in it and the plan was that so would I when I finished in college. Currently he and two of his friends lived there, there was no payment left on the house so it was just free housing for them. Steven said having all of dad's stuff about just made it a sad place. He said it made him think and he didn't like to think. I didn't like thinking either, but I didn't try to stop it, I put up with it.
Lunch was in a small diner halfway to the beach we wanted to go to. The floor was black and white tiles, the walls red and all the seats in shapes of booths down the long slim trailer style building. I sat next to Evelyn, opposite Tarim and Lucas. I was last in so it wasn't even my decision.
"So who's going to be at this beach party?" Lucas asked.
"Connor, Liam, Tyson, Mel and some others." Evelyn said, swirling the ice around her coke with a straw. I heard him sigh, an exasperated sigh.
"I thought you were staying away from Connor?" Lucas said. "I thought you agreed he was bad news, and that you were better off without him."
"Lucas, get over it, it's a party, not a marriage proposal." Evelyn retorted. I wanted to know who Connor was. I wanted to know what had happened between him and Evelyn. I didn't want to be bothered though, I wished I could just forget about his mention but it was all I could think about. I started conjuring up events that could have occurred, like that he and Evelyn had dated and he had been an asshole; or like that he and Evelyn had slept together or kissed once and she had regretted it ever since. I didn't want it to be that she fell in love with him, or still liked him. I wanted her to hate him, and I didn't even know the guy.
There must have been something wrong with me.
I was obsessive, and I hated it.
"I'll only drive back if you don't get pissed off your head like last time." Tarim said, changing the subject. "Because I personally didn't like having to wipe your sick off my shoes and stay with you while you slept to make sure you didn't choke on your own vomit."
"Fine, not utterly pissed then..." Evelyn said, giving him a sly wink. "...but still quite pissed."
We got to the beach at about four in the afternoon. There were a few cars parked up along the sand already, and a small plume of smoke could be seen over the roofs of them. The party had already started and it wasn't even dark yet, the sun was high in the sky.
When Evelyn's car engine ceased, and they all started to get out, a part of me wanted to stay put. But I forced myself to open the car door and follow them through the gap in the cars. I stayed close to Tarim, because I felt he was most likely of all of us to win in a fight, although I doubted that skill would be necessary at a small beach party.
As we emerged through the vehicles I saw a few blankets and camping chairs propped up around the general area of the fire. There were seven people already present, all of whom pretty much ignored our appearance. There were two girls, one had dark blue hair. It was short and choppy and swam about above her shoulders. She was really pale and had a tattoo of an eagle flying head on across her entire upper back, which I could see as her top was small and loose. I stopped looking because it felt rude. The other girl had brown hair in a bun behind her head. She wasn't especially pale or tanned, and her eyes were just brown. She had clear glasses on, which had just a plain plastic structure to them. They were square and chunky and made her look quiet and interesting. But she wasn't beautiful, like Evelyn.
The boys all looked similar. They all had leather jackets or those varsity jackets you can get at target. They either had black or dark brown hair except for one who had bright green and a ponytail. They were mostly tall besides from one and they were all just drinking beer and laughing together.
Evelyn went straight to the girls and hugged them, squealing like girls do when they meet up for the first time in a while - even if it had only really been a few days.
It sounded stupid and naïve, but I didn't realise Evelyn had many friends aside from Tarim, Lucas and I. But here she was with her other friends, who outnumbered us in doubles. I felt unneeded, like a shitty clay pot on a mantelpiece stuffed with photographs - ideally I should be thrown out to make room for more, to give breathing space to the crammed up frames. I felt like a waste of space, breathing in their air and standing on their sand, taking in the warmth of their fire.
"Rowan, come here a minute." Evelyn said. It made me jump in all honesty; I was expecting to just be ignored all night. I walked over to her, and nodded at the two girls with a sort-of smile on my face.
"This is Mel," Evelyn explained, gesturing to the blue haired girl. "And this is Stephanie." She added, describing the brunette. I smiled at them both. "Girls, this is Rowan, the kid I told you about."
She told her friends about me.
What had she said?
There's this kid called Rowan, he's kind of nice but to be honest he just stares at me and tries to drink alcohol but fails because he is a total lightweight. He doesn't smoke and he's never taken drugs. He comes from Texas and is probably fucked up but I don't really know because he rarely tells me anything. I haven't known him long and am only friends with him so if I need a philosophy tutor I already have one on my reserve. He's not that funny or interesting, and he's not much to look at, but he listens to me and goes along with everything I say. It's like having my own little puppy.
I hoped she hadn't said that.
Evelyn said something about getting to know each other and glided off towards the leathery guys. I wanted to watch her, to see which one she cuddled up to first and most, to see if any of them gave her a look that said he was interested and with bad intentions, to see which one might be Connor.
"You can sit." Stephanie said. She sounded quiet and her voice was quite soft and timid. Mel got up and headed to the beers but didn't really come back. I would have gone too but I'd already sat down so thought I should leave it about five minutes or it might seem rude.
"So how do you know Evelyn?" I found myself asking.
"We met in high school, she was a junior and I was a senior. We kept in contact and we ended up making mutual friends with a load of people who we hang out with together sometimes. We aren't that close anymore really." Stephanie said. I made eye contact while she spoke which she didn't break. "What about you?"
"We're in the same philosophy class. I've only known Evelyn for about a month really." I said. Stephanie nodded. I wasn't entirely sure what to say, I hated socialising with people I didn't know. Pointless conversations about nothing, pretending to share the same sense of humour and trying to find a common ground, with common interests which inevitably would fail. Even if it didn't you would barely talk to this person again anyway.
I let myself look over to Evelyn, but I wished I hadn't. She was sat on a guy's lap, and he had his hands on her hips as he rocked her back and forth, which was making her laugh. She grabbed his arm and hit him lightly, playfully. She was flirting with him and he was flirting back. The guy next to them was looking at her like she was a piece of meat, and he was a hungry dog. He looked like a dog. He had messy dark hair and a full beard. The hair from his chest was peeking where his shirt went down slightly and his hairy hands were wrapped around a beer can.
"That's Liam; he's like that with anyone who'll let him. It doesn't mean anything, it never leads to anything." I heard Stephanie say, she'd spotted me staring but I couldn't stop looking.
"Which one's Connor?" I asked.
"Blue jacket, black hair; he always has bright green sneakers on, so you can spot him a mile off." Stephanie explained. I found him and looked him up and down. He was skinny and had a square jaw. He was quite unattractive, I thought, but he had a cigarette in his mouth and a bottle of rum in his hand. I assume he was more Evelyn's kind of guy.
I turned back to Stephanie. "Sorry, I probably sound insane." I said, I gave her an awkward smile and started cracking my knuckles and looking at my lap.
"No, just a concerned friend, looking out for someone he cares about. It's not insane, it's sweet." She said. I saw her blush slightly. I didn't like what that could indicate, so looked up to Lucas. He was walking over anyway, but I think when he saw my face he sped up. I liked that he noticed things like that, but I didn't think it was because we were friends at all.
"I got you a beer." Lucas said; handing me an unopened can. I took it and cracked it open as Lucas sat down. "Steph, haven't seen you in ages. How's the art going?"
Lucas and Stephanie started a long conversation about art courses and jobs and museums, Picasso and Van Gogh were the only names I could pick out. I heard talk of England and France. I didn't really want to listen; I wanted to keep an eye on Evelyn.
I got up from where I was sat and took my beer can with me away from the fire to a slightly grassy verge that looked out across the sea. I'd had enough of people for a while.
Steven had loved parties when we were little. He would play games in the garden with the other kids and laugh about with the adults because he understood their jokes and watched the News with dad. He would help Ellen give out drinks and snacks, sneaking the odd cheesy savoury for himself when he thought nobody was looking. He would even find me when I went and hid places because I wasn't sure what else to do. He would get me to play badminton or soccer with the other kids and set me on making drinks while he asked what people wanted.
As we got older Steven started drinking with the adults and bringing along girlfriends. He would socialise and help set up games for the kids, but he would rarely join in until he had a few drinks in him. I remember Ellen asking me why I couldn't do what Steven used to do, telling me that I was too old to keep hiding places. I remember Steven getting angry when I hid for too long, he said it was pointless waiting for him to find me because he was tired of it.
By that point dad was sad a lot so just sat in the study while the party raged on. I would go and sit with him. Rarely did he notice that I was there, mostly I would just sit and trace the cracks in the leather of the back of his armchair.
Sometimes a song I liked came on so I would sit outside the study door, with my back against the wall. I would tap my feet to the music, a gentle slap against the linoleum floor. I didn't want to annoy anyone so I kept it quiet in case someone might hear. But I stopped doing it after one time when Ellen came to find dad and stepped on my toe. I don't think it was an accident, because when I cried she just told me that "it's what naughty boys deserve when they misbehave."
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