"What did you just say?"
The shock that registers on my face makes Hayden look away and I expect him—no, I need him—to roll his eyes and start laughing at my reaction. There's no way in hell he would really expect me to do that! Right? Long dimples form up his cheeks and I almost sigh in relief, but instead of smirking, he frowns.
"Cross!"
Acting quickly, Hayden rolls down his window and pops the center console open to produce a long cigarette and lighter. When I open my mouth to remind him that this is his mother's car, his steel gaze stops me. He presses the cigarette between his lips and inhales deeply, a sunken look transforming his even features. I shudder at the ice climbing up my spine. He blows the smoke in my direction.
The scent is both entrancing and suffocating at the same time.
Much like Hayden Cross himself.
"You heard me," he replies in a leveled tone. Traffic picks up and wind whips through the car. "This is Truth or Dare. Things need to be interesting, right? We can't keep sticking our heads out the window. There isn't much to do here. Be happy I'm not daring you to do something...else." He wriggles his eyebrows suggestively.
"Gross." I grimace, turning away in disgust.
"No passing, remember?"
My nose twitches and I scoff. "What is it with you and wanting people to kiss you, Cross? Can't get a girl to kiss you willingly?"
The golden rays of sunlight illuminate Hayden's features and his gray irises transform into a light, almost clear, color. "There are plenty of girls who would love to—and have—kissed me willingly. I just like the fact that it freaks you out so much."
The last time he kissed me, a vein in my forehead almost ruptured.
"I'm not doing it." I announce, shaking my head and falling back against the pillows. The car rocks over a speed bump as we leave the construction zone. Tossing his cigarette out the window, Hayden picks up speed and we fly down the highway.
"If you want to be a quitter, that's fine." Doing a double take, he laughs. "Are you blushing, Emmy?"
Sudden irritation washes over me and I raise a hand to my cheek. "I'm always red, you jerk." The air in the car has suddenly become tense. Both of us are coiled, ready to fight. Hayden's eyes connect with mine. When he rolls his eyes, the irritation quickly simmers into rage, and I yank myself across the seat to make sure he can see just how red I can really get. "What's wrong with you, Cross? Did all of that time with gangsters push you into all-out sadism?"
He doesn't speak and that is all it takes for the floodgates to finally burst. Something in me snaps and everything I've ever felt comes rushing back. The anger, the hurt, the rage, the confusion, and the sadness—everything he's ever made me feel engulfs my whole being.
"Answer me, you ass! I deserve that much!" I scream, utterly losing control. "Were you the one suffering from major depression at the age of thirteen because of your weight? Were you the one cutting away at yourself when the one person you cared about more than anything in the world left you? Just so you could feel something? And then on top of that you have some asshole who couldn't leave you alone for two minutes?" A sob strangles my throat. "I was so happy when you left. I know it's bad, but I'm glad homecoming went the way it did. I went through fucking hell, Hayden! And you didn't make it easier! And now! It's all your fault that we're going to New York because you brought those sons of bitches to—"
My words are lost to the engine roaring as Hayden whips the car into the next open lane going over ninety miles an hour.
"What are you doing?"
This is it. He's going to kill me! We're going to crash and die!
Hayden turns the car into the emergency shoulder on the side of the highway and comes to a sudden halt that throws me against the door. Before I can even catch my breath, he cuts the engine and punches the steering wheel hard.
"I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry! I'm so damn sorry, Ember!"
Hayden Cross looks at me with an expression that says he's ready to take the worst of what I can give him and that he won't fight it, but my mouth doesn't work. I can't breathe. I can't think. Racing to figure out what the hell is happening, I glance from his tight grip on my wrist to the storm of devastation in his eyes.
"I'm sorry I put you through so much. I'm sorry Derek went after your family. I'm sorry your mom got shot. I'm sorry I made you feel so horrible. I'm sorry for homecoming. I'm an awful person who doesn't deserve anything because all I've done is hurt people and make them feel as low as I feel. That was the worst thing to do. It's unforgivable. You have every single right in the world to hate me and wish the worst on me but—I don't know. After all of this is over, I promise you Ember, I will leave you alone. Hell, you'll never see me again."
The words echo through my unprocessed mind. Blood pounds through my ears.
"Say something." Hayden urges in a low, breathless whisper.
I look at him. "Why are you doing this now?"
He looks a little startled. "Doing what?"
"Apologizing." My words are barely audible. "Now...out of all times. Why?"
Hayden's eyes focus on a spot on the blanket wrapped around my knee. "Because I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of all of this."
"And you think apologizing like this will make up for it?" I'm not exactly angry, but I'm not okay either. My stomach churns with acid and I feel like I'm either going to throw up or breathe fire.
Another look of guilt spreads across his face and Hayden exhales deeply. "Never. Nothing I could ever do can make up for what you've gone through."
"What's changed, Cross?"
He exhales a laugh. "What hasn't changed, Emmy? I don't even know where to begin." He stares at me intently and brushes soft circles along my faded scars with his thumb. "I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I—" He looks away, "I don't deserve it. But I will try to make up for it, Ember Chance. I promise, I will make it up to you."
In my seventeen years of life, I've rarely been left speechless, let alone by Hayden Cross. But here we are on the side of a busy highway in a station wagon on our way to New York City to fight Derek and his crew, and I can't say a single word. Wiping the few tears that slipped from my eyes, I can't bring myself to look at Hayden Cross and I can't stop my hands trembling in my lap. Memories flash across my vision: memories of us fighting, memories of him teasing me. When I look up, Hayden is turned back around in his seat, head pressed against the steering wheel.
The next thing I know, I'm climbing out of the car. The sound of high-speed cars rushing by echoes through my ears and the wind whips my hair around in every direction. Walking on autopilot, I move around the front of the car and pull Hayden's door open.
"What are you—?"
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I. Don't. Know.
Grabbing Hayden by the wrist, I tug once, and he lets me pull him out of the car, eyes moving to everything but me. I stare up at him, unsure of what I'm doing, and lift a hand to cup his face. Hayden Cross stiffens under my touch. I should enjoy that. But I don't. I don't feel anything but how warm his skin is and how hard my heart is beating in my chest.
This is enough.
The scars are still there. The wounds are still open. But they need to close eventually.
"You said that you don't deserve my forgiveness," I say loud enough for him to hear over the rush of the traffic around us. "But that isn't true. Everyone deserves it."
He finally looks at me, eyes widening in shock.
"But I can't forgive you just yet." I stroke my fingers down his cheek, careful not to touch the bruises. "But I can try. I can start to forgive you. It'll take some time, but I'll try."
I look at him and he stares back. My mouth twitches and I move my hand from his cheek to the back of his neck. Hayden closes his eyes. "What are you doing?" he asks again.
"It's no passing, remember?" I say softly, almost to myself, to the point where I don't know if he hears me.
His eyes snap open in shock.
It's like I'm not me, not really.
Something else is moving my body.
Something else is pulling Hayden down to my level.
Something else is propelling my heart and releasing the breath from my lungs.
The disbelief that shines in Hayden's eyes doesn't go away when we're face to face. An arm snakes around my back and he pulls me closer. The cigarette and peppermint smell of his breath doesn't bother me. The tips of Hayden's fingers dig into the small of my back from anticipation. The sound of the kinetic world disappears beneath the blood pounding in my ears. I wrap an arm around his neck, fingers becoming lost in his hair, and slowly, press my lips to his. And as quickly as it happens, it's over.
Air violently rushes all around us to match the tornado of thoughts and emotions in my mind.
"You asked me what's changed," Hayden murmurs when we step apart.
"Everything's changed." I answer for him. "Everything."
* * *