Karlie wakes with a start, as she suddenly feels consumed by a completely new sensation, one that she'd rather not have. Despite never having experienced it before, Karlie can confidently hypothesize that what she is currently suffering from is heartburn. I didn't know it could be this bad. Her chest and throat burn, and she begins to feel trapped and frustrated when swallowing becomes difficult.
She has an arm thrown lazily over Taylor, who is on her side facing away from Karlie, breathing quietly. Karlie, as slow as can be, lifts her arm off of Taylor, and eases herself further away from Taylor. It isn't until her body is completely perched on the edge of bed, does Karlie slowly sit up, still staring at Taylor, hoping not to wake her up. But Taylor turns around quite alertly when Karlie swings her legs off the bed.
"What— have you been awake? Have you slept?" Karlie asks in a whisper, the darkened room seeming like an inappropriate place for anything else.
Taylor silently shakes her head no.
"Damn it, Taylor," Karlie sighs. "I'll be right back, hold on."
Karlie isn't even aware of the headache she has until she stands up. She puts a hand to her forehead as she quietly pads out of the room, into the seemingly too bright hallway. She walks down the hall to the bathroom in a daze, now overcome with hiccups that manage to be painful. This is new.
She rummages through the medicine cabinet in search of antacids she's never had to touch before today, before returning to the bedroom.
"I feel horrible," Karlie grumbles, as she crawls back into bed with Taylor, hoping she'll be able to fall asleep despite her agitation.
"What's wrong?" Taylor asks, rolling over to face Karlie in the bed.
"My body is punishing me for everything you've made me eat," Karlie complains.
"I'm sorry," Taylor says concernedly as she softly places her hand on Karlie's neck.
"Why aren't you asleep?" Karlie asks.
"I tried to, but I couldn't," Taylor admits.
"Are you overthinking every single detail of the last couple of hours?" Karlie asks, already knowing the answer.
Taylor doesn't reply.
"Okay, roll over, we're playing a game because I want to go back to sleep and I'm not sleeping until you fall asleep first," Karlie says matter of factly.
"Karlie—"
"Roll over, missy," Karlie says, pushing at Taylor's shoulder until Taylor relents and rolls to her other side. "When I was little, well, when any of me or my sisters were little, and we couldn't sleep we played this. I'm going to draw on your back and you have to guess—"
"You're going to what?!" Taylor asks.
Karlie rolls her eyes and uses her pointer finger to trace a simple shape on Taylor's back. "What was that?"
"Um...a circle?" Taylor replies, sounding puzzled.
"Come on, that was an easy one, don't sound so unsure," Karlie teases. "Okay, how about this?" Karlie asks, as she traces the same shape with additional features.
"The sun," Taylor replies, before Karlie can even finish adding different protruding lines along the outer line of the circle.
"Okay, now I'm going to do harder ones," Karlie says. "Why are you wearing a dress to sleep? How am I supposed to put my hand up your back?"
"Just do it, I don't care," Taylor replies, a very different attitude than the one she had before Karlie had fallen asleep.
Karlie smiles, knowing just how easy it was to bring out a competitive edge in Taylor and the differences that it made. She slipped a hand up the back of Taylor's dress, looking underneath the covers and straining her eyes in the darkness hoping to see something nice to look at momentarily because of the hitched up fabric.
"Karlie, go," Taylor says, prompting Karlie to begin her next drawing, sounding as though she knows exactly what Karlie is currently up to.
"Okay, okay," Karlie laughs, before beginning her third drawing.
Over the course of the next few minutes, Karlie draws a bicycle, a cat, a house, a birthday cake, a guitar, and Taylor herself. There are times when Taylor and her playfully bicker, especially when Taylor feels as though Karlie's lack of artistic ability really limits her own chances of guessing correctly.
Soon, Karlie is lightly dragging the tips of her fingers along Taylor's back slowly, in no particular pattern at all, raising goosebumps on her flesh every now and again. Taylor doesn't prompt Karlie to make an attempt at yet another drawing, so Karlie continues with her random doodling, hoping it is a sign that Taylor is drifting off to sleep.
Karlie does her best to push memories of Kristine doing just this to her, on nights when she couldn't sleep and chose to sneak into her older sister's bedroom when she thought her parents wouldn't catch her. They never wanted the girls to be up late talking when they were kids, but there were some nights Karlie couldn't help but seek out her older sister, such as the last night of summer before her first day of first grade. She remembers being incredibly nervous, and sneaking out of her bedroom, and bringing her night light along because Kristine had decided she was far too old to have a nightlight in her own bedroom at that point. She quietly slid across the hardwood hallway floor in socks back at her Saint Louis childhood home, not wanting the floorboards to creak and alert her parents downstairs that a daughter was up and roaming the second floor. When she got to Kristine's bedroom, she plugged in her nightlight and crawled into the twin bed that seemed just the perfect size for the two of them back then. Kristine told her not to worry, first grade wasn't all that different from kindergarten after all, except you only got to play with toys at the very end of the day. And besides, they were going to be attending the same school now. If anything went wrong, Kristine would be nearby. That was when Kristine first taught Karlie this game, and it was the first of many times in her early elementary school years that Karlie would fall asleep playing it. Only a few years later, there were many nights that she shared with Kimby and Kariann, in the opposite role. And many years later, even though it's not a game her and Kristine have ever considered playing at all recently, Kristine was still the protective and guiding older sister who Karlie has always turned to in times of need. As she thinks of all this, and then thinks of the feelings she has for her on this particular day with Taylor beside her, tears come to her eyes, just when she realizes Taylor has drifted away to sleep.
This sucks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The very last thing Taylor had wanted to do upon waking up from her nap was leave the bedroom, her and Karlie's little sanctuary away from the rest of the family. But there was no way Taylor was going to tell that to Karlie, however. She was the one who insisted they stayed here after all.
She lied to Karlie, saying that she was fine to go downstairs, but Taylor was lucky enough to have a girlfriend who knew full well that Taylor needed to be dragged along quickly to the backyard, minimizing the chances of having to deal with confrontations and conversations she was currently ill prepared for.
So now they stood outside, barefoot, in the green summer grass, with the twins and the boys. Kristine and Tracy, the two people who Taylor unfortunately dreads being near so badly right now that she breaks into a sweat just thinking about it, aren't coming down here to join them any time soon.
"Okay, everyone get in a circle," Kimby instructs. "Stay standing, but spread your legs far enough apart to touch the people's feet on each side of you."
"I'm wearing a dress," Taylor replies.
"Well then next time you come here maybe you won't be obnoxious and make me feel bad about wearing running shorts and t-shirts everyday," Kimby retorts.
"Got it," Taylor says submissively.
Karlie begins angrily, "Kimby, you're going to be—"
"How does this game work?" Taylor interrupts.
"Okay, there's going to be a ball, and if you have the ball you have to try to roll or bounce it through somebody's legs to get them out. And you want to be the last person standing to win," Kimby replies.
"I'm going to pretend this game is fair even though everyone has about four feet of space between my legs to get me out and Ryan has about six inches of space between his," Karlie says, as she puts the side of her foot against Taylor's and begins stretching out.
The Klosses and Taylor form the circle, and they all bend over slightly, ready to protect their own area.
"Taylor can go first, because she'll probably lose," Kimby says, slowly rolling the ball to Taylor's direction.
"Okay, um..." Taylor holds the red playground ball in both of her hands, as she looks around the circle, taking the time to decide between Karlie, Kimby, Kariann, Brendan, Matty, or Ryan.
They all look poised and ready to spring to action if the ball comes speeding at them any time soon. She decides to throw Ryan a bone, and makes extended eye contact with him before very slowly rolling it his way, hoping to give him a chance with the ball.
His eyes go wide, but Matty, directly beside Ryan, immediately leans over and slams the ball at a faster speed through Ryan's legs.
"TAYLOR!" Kimby yells, "Why would you set Ryan up like that?!"
"What?!" Taylor exclaims. "I rolled it to Ryan, not Matty!"
"If he can reach it, he can go for it," Kariann replies.
"You just set him up to get out!" Karlie exclaims.
"What?! No! That's not what I wanted!" Taylor replies.
"Well he's out now!" Matty laughs darkly.
"That's how you set people up to get out," Karlie explains.
"Nooo! Ryan, that was literally the opposite of my plan!" Taylor exclaims sadly, as Ryan takes a seat outside of the circle to watch the rest of the game unfold, with his chin resting on his hands, cross legged.
"Look out," Karlie says, lighting slapping at Taylor's arm as Matty sends the ball bouncing in Kimby's direction.
"Bad move," she says smugly to him, as she expertly catches the erratically bouncing ball with her hands. Without even needing to do any coordinating with her twin sister beside Matty, she sends the ball rolling just as slowly as Taylor had done to Ryan.
"No! No!" Matty exclaims, as he tries reaching for the ball without losing his footing, but Kariann's arm is longer, and she slams the ball with additional force into Matty's leg, causing it to ricochet right through. "NO!" Matty yells.
Taylor throws her hands in the air, complaining, "See, if I had seen that literally sixty seconds ago I never would've rolled the ball to Ryan so—"
"Taylor! Pay attention!" Karlie exclaims, leaning as far to the right as she can to block the ball from zooming right through Taylor's legs, losing her balance in the process, causing her to fall in a slow motion descent to her side.
"You're out, Karlie! You moved your feet," Kimby exclaims happily.
Karlie dramatically groans and spreads all of her limbs around her as she lays in the grass defeated.
"Aww, you saved me!" Taylor realizes suddenly with a big smile, laughing at Karlie sprawled out on the ground.
Karlie's gazing up at her with a big smile on her face, her childlike playfulness always something that makes it easy for Taylor to return that smile.
"Get out of the way, Karlie, we're trying to play a game here," Kimby complains.
With a long, dramatic sigh, Karlie slowly stands up to leave the circle.
Taylor, turning her head back towards Karlie who takes a seat in the grass beside Ryan, says, "Thanks for sacrificing yourself." But all it takes is that split second in order for Brendan to throw the ball right through Taylor's legs.
"Was your sacrifice worth it, Karlie?" Kimby asks, as her and Kariann wordlessly coordinate just how they intend on getting Brendan out.
"You're not so good at that game," Karlie says in greeting to Taylor as she takes a seat, ignoring Kimby's comment.
"You saved me!" Taylor says again, as she plops down on the grass beside Karlie and throws her arms around her.
"Chivalry isn't dead," Karlie replies.
"Try being less gay," Kimby says as the game ends with her and Kariann in the final two.
"Kimby!" Karlie hisses in warning, looking to her younger cousins to gage their reactions, but it has luckily gone right over their heads.
Taylor can't help but laugh, as she takes her arms away from Karlie, but shifts closer to her on the lawn to be sitting only inches apart. Maybe the rest of her stay wouldn't be as bad as she had thought it would be. Down here in the backyard,Taylor can almost completely forget about the conversation she has eavesdropped on. Maybe everything will be fine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Karlie could only bear to be on the porch with her entire family for about ten minutes. They were all together, talking and laughing as the summer sun sets as they waited for dinner to be ready. It was what they did yesterday, but Taylor is noticeably quiet, sitting down and off to the side, having no desire to become involved in any of the conversations going on around her.
Karlie hated seeing Taylor so noticeably uncomfortable. Her small smile wasn't genuine, it was there to be polite. Her crossed, guarded arms and hunched shoulders made Karlie feel infuriated with her mother and Kristine. This was their fault, they were the reason Taylor wasn't feeling like herself. No one has the right to make anybody feel uncomfortable.
Karlie does her best to remove herself from the conversation between her aunt and twin sisters to walk nearer to Taylor.
"Come on," Karlie says quietly, trying not to draw too much attention to their exit.
Taylor doesn't even ask what Karlie could possibly mean, and she eagerly stands up from the chair and begins to head inside the house before Karlie can even lead her there.
They silently walk to the living room, the furthest room away from the outdoor porch, and take a seat on the couch.
"How are you doing?" Karlie asks, putting an arm around Taylor's shoulders and pulling her nearer.
"It sucks," Taylor replies glumly.
Karlie grits her teeth and nods her head. What is there to say? Of course it sucks. This was supposed to be a relaxing couple of days for them, but now there is no way for Taylor to feel completely content here, and it's all because of Karlie's own family. It's impossible to wrap her mind around, and it feels as though the more she thinks about it the angrier she becomes, something she didn't think was possible.
"We should just fucking leave," Karlie says with a dangerous edge to her quiet suggestion.
"You know I don't want to do that," Taylor replies, slight sounds of pleading in her voice.
"Well then I still think I should say something to them," Karlie answers stubbornly.
"Karlie, please!" Taylor exclaims in a hushed whisper. "It's already awkward enough for me, that would make things so much worse. If you say something, they're going to apologize and—"
"As they should," Karlie interrupts.
"I don't want to go through that! I don't want them to know I heard what they said, do you really think that wouldn't make things even worse for me? Do you think I want to hear them say sorry for basically tearing apart my entire life in like six sentences?" Taylor asks quickly.
Karlie sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose frustratedly. "I guess you're right, I just hate feeling like I'm not doing anything about it," Karlie explains.
"You're helping me as much as you can," Taylor assures her. "I don't want you to be mad at them."
"How can I not be?" Karlie asks with a surprised humorless laugh.
"Karlie, please? You're not good at...keeping emotions in check all the time. I told you, I don't want this to turn into some big thing," Taylor says, gently holding Karlie's hand.
Karlie stares at their linked hands, Taylor's hand looking particularly small to her in comparison to her own hand. "It is a big thing."
"Please," Taylor sighs. "I shouldn't have told you."
"Whatever, it's not like I am going to do anything," Karlie mumbles, as she leans her head back against the couch cushion. "I don't even want to be here anymore."
Taylor doesn't reply, but she leans her head against Karlie's shoulder.
Karlie keeps her eyes closed, focusing only on the couch and Taylor beside her, maybe trying to fool herself into feeling that they're back in New York City instead of here.
"Hi, Ryan," Taylor says, causing Karlie to curiously open her eyes.
Ryan is standing at the doorway of the living room with his usual neutral expression, staring at Karlie and Taylor. Taylor uncomfortably shifts slightly beneath Karlie's arm, but she doesn't completely move away, so neither does Karlie.
"What's up?" Taylor asks.
As usual, he stares at her silently, but he takes a few steps into the room and takes a seat on the carpeted floor where a few Hot Wheels cars and trucks are strewn about.
"Are those yours? I was looking at them earlier, they're really cool. That purple one you're holding is my favorite," Taylor adds.
Karlie smiles slightly. Taylor sounds tired, slightly sad, but she is still going her best to make some sort of connection with her younger cousin. If Karlie didn't know Taylor as well as she does, she may not even have detected the sadness in her voice. For some reason, that makes Karlie feel even worse. People shouldn't be so good at hiding their emotions, especially sadness. Taylor has had practice at this.
"Do you have any race tracks? I see them on the commercials, you know with the tiny little motor that makes the cars drive fast on the little tracks," Taylor continues, "They all look so much cooler than anything they made when I was your age."
Ryan stares at them, still unresponsive but completely attentive.
"Someday I'm going to ask a question that makes you nod your head or something. We'll communicate at some basic level one day," Taylor assures him. "I see you talking to your parents. I saw you whispering to your brother today. You can talk, you just don't talk to me. Or your cousins. Are you just really shy?"
Ryan's attention remains glued on Taylor but he still stays quiet.
"I'm always going in front of lot of people because of my job. I sing, you know? Like on stages. I used to feel shy before going on stage, but then I realized that if my fans all bought tickets to be there, they love me, and there's no need to feel shy or nervous around them. I can feel very safe around them. And even when I have to go on a stage that might not have a lot of my fans there, like at award shows, I bring some friends or family with me. Because at least I know I have some people who love me there, and it makes it easier," Taylor explains. "And when you're here, your whole family is here! Everyone loves you here, you don't need to feel shy. You're safe here."
Ryan stares at them for an extended amount of time, before getting up and leaving the room with toys in hand.
"I thought you had him that time," Karlie laughs softly before sneaking a quick kiss to Taylor's temple.
"Maybe in a decade or so he'll nod his head if I keep this up," Taylor replies drily.
"Don't feel bad, he doesn't talk to any of us" Karlie says. "At least he seems interested in what you have to say. Maybe he came in here to see where you were."
"You think?" Taylor asks, quiet guarded excitement in her voice.
"Maybe. I don't know why he'd come in here if everyone is outside. He always follows his older brothers around," Karlie replies.
Taylor smiles and leans her head back against Karlie's shoulder like before Ryan walked in. "Karlie you should go outside. You should spend time with your family," Taylor says suddenly. "You shouldn't be sitting in here alone with me."
"No way," Karlie replies firmly. "And don't argue over it. I have no desire to be anywhere near them right now," Karlie adds quickly, the sounds of anger returning to her voice.
"You can't—" but then the sounds of the Kloss family filing back into the house are heard.
"Girls? Dinner's ready," Kurt yells out.
"Come on," Karlie says quietly, offering her hand to Taylor as she stands up from the couch. She knows it's a hand Taylor needs.
Taylor presses her lips together and nods her head, squeezing Karlie's hand tightly as she follows. They don't let go of each other until walking into the kitchen.
"We're eating inside because there are a lot of bugs tonight," Kurt tells them as he and the rest of the adults begin setting up a buffet line of all the food made for dinner.
"I'll set the dining room table up, Kristine can you get the kitchen table ready for the kids?" Tracy asks, with a stack of plates in hand.
The three boys are in a high spirited argument about something that must have occurred out on the porch, the twins are laughing along with their aunt, there are sounds of clattering plates and silverware, the smaller sized kitchen as lively as can be, all while Taylor and Karlie linger on the outskirts, doing their best to stay out of everyone's way.
"We'll sit out here," Karlie says in practically a whisper when everyone begins grabbing their plates and lining up to help themselves to food.
Taylor nods her head, and Karlie can't help but think she looks far more thankful for the offer than she would like to appear. They get last in line together, still keeping to themselves.
"You're not putting anything on my plate this time, I'm going to be sick," Karlie warns as they get nearer and nearer to the food.
"Okay, fine," Taylor says with a small laugh.
They're the last to fill their plates with food, lingering around the extended countertop, picking and choosing as the rest of the family all settles into their respective sitting areas. There is laughter and warm conversation all around, and despite the situation there is something that just still feels like home to Karlie, but she knows there's no way for Taylor to feel the same way now.
"Salad and half a burger?" Taylor asks in disbelief, sounding judgmental as she says it. "You scraped the cheese off of it. Where's your summer barbecue spirit?"
"I'm not using salad dressing either. Or putting butter on the corn on the cob I'm eating later," Karlie says.
"You should be ashamed of yourself," Taylor says drily, as they take their seats at the kitchen table.
Matty stops squishing his roasted potatoes with his fork, and curiously looks up at them. "You're old."
"I beg to differ," Karlie says, slightly laughing.
"Why are you sitting here? You're old," he repeats.
"Because we want to hang out with you guys," Taylor replies as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Matty shrugs and goes back to assassinating his meal with his fork.
Karlie shares a quick smile with Taylor, glad to see her at least being able to lightheartedly joke around for the last couple of minutes.
"Um, why didn't you tell us that we are sitting out here," Kimby says as she walks into the kitchen with her plate of food with Kariann following behind.
"'We?'" Karlie repeats, as Kimby pulls up a chair right in between Karlie and Taylor at the kitchen table, while Kariann opts for a spot near the boys.
"As if I'm ruining a hot date," Kimby replies rolling her eyes, as she begins eating her dinner.
"You're really pushing it lately," Karlie warns quietly, pinching Kimby's leg beneath the table.
But Taylor seems amused and the boys remain oblivious. At the very least, Karlie is glad that the twins are family members that are able to make Taylor feel wanted and welcomed.
"Oh my god, that's a lot of food," Kariann says suddenly, staring at Ryan's plate.
The youngest, and smallest in size, boy sits at the table, silent as usual, with piles of food on his plate.
Karlie chokes on a laugh, finding something so funny about the fact that this little boy has stacked his plate so high that he's practically eye level with it.
"Um...did you get to get your food yourself today? You got all that in line without your mom?" Taylor asks, her voice quivering as she keeps from laughing.
He looks to Taylor, his expression unchanged as he stares at her.
"I'm going to take that as a yes," Taylor says, nodding her head.
He turns back to his plate and begins eating his meal, ignoring, or maybe not even noticing, the older girls' muffled laughter as they watch him.
"Taylor, I'll bet you like, ten million dollars that he won't finish all of that," Kimby says.
"Do you have ten million dollars lying around to back that up?" Taylor asks.
"No, but you do. And I'm pretty confident he won't eat all that. Have you ever heard of student loans?" Kimby replies.
"Okay, you're getting increasingly annoying," Karlie says, dropping her silverware on her plate with a clatter.
Taylor is laughing, when Kimby replies, "Sorry I feel like I can act like myself around Taylor. Do you want me to censor myself?"
"We always want that," Kariann answers for Karlie.
Kimby begins, "Okay, listen—"
"Can the adults come out here, please? How often is everyone together at home like this?" Tracy asks, appearing suddenly by the doorway connecting the dining room and kitchen.
"It's not my fault, I just came out here because they were out here," Kimby replies, as she stands up from the table, linking her arm with Taylor's to have her stand as well.
Karlie's eyes widen as Taylor makes panicked eye contact with her. Time for an awkward dinner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taylor's thankful for the sheer amount of Klosses at the dinner table, because at least it allows her to remain mostly silent. She laughs at just the right times, just the right amount, and keeps a pleasant smile on her face. It's easy, really, it's something she's done plenty of times since her life became grounds for a 24/7 spotlight. Somethings she's never been able to master when in difficult situations are keeping her hands still instead of shaking, or keeping them dry instead of clammy, and no matter how many times she swallows her throat always remains impossibly dry. But other than that, Taylor imagines that no one could notice a single thing was wrong.
Except Karlie.
She's been sitting stiffly by her side, not even trying to put on the ruse Taylor is. Taylor does her best to completely ignore the stoic girl by her side, scared that eye contact with her may break the act she's already struggling to uphold. But most of all, she does her best to keep her gaze away from Kristine and Tracy Kloss. She can't bare to know how they feel about her, and have to sit here with them. She had felt so at home here in a way that exhilarated yet almost scared her mere hours ago. It felt so right. She had been wondering if Karlie felt it too, she had been wondering what this all could mean, and then she overheard the conversation. Whatever magic she had been foolish enough for allowing herself to begin feeling is long gone as she sits at this dinner table, straining to keep herself from becoming upset.
"So, anyway, Taylor, one thing I completely don't understand is why you're here. I mean, how busy are you, you're like Taylor Swift. How'd Karlie manage to get you here?" Karlie's aunt, Linda, asks when there's a momentary lull in conversation.
Polite smile. "Oh, my schedule isn't that bad when I don't have music out. Just meetings and stuff. It's fine, pretty flexible," Taylor replies, thinking of how Kristine and Tracy had discussed if it were possible for her and Josh Kushner's busy schedules to be all that different from each other. All eyes are on her now.
"I never would have thought that," she replies.
Taylor smiles and nods her head before looking down to be suddenly very interested in the plate of food that has gone mostly untouched.
"Is new music coming out?" Kariann asks curiously, perhaps excited in a way most teenage girls would be about new music from Taylor Swift.
"Um, well," Taylor hesitates, smiling more genuinely this time, "You didn't hear it from me, but...yeah. There's a song coming this month, and an album in October and then...yeah."
"Are there any songs about Karlie on it?" Kimby asks, suddenly becoming quite alert and awestruck in a way.
"Taylor writes songs about people she dates, Kimby," Kariann replies.
Kimby's face flashes realization, her mouth quickly opening and closing as her eyes go wide, "I know...I was kidding," Kimby says slowly.
"That'd be something," Linda laughs.
The immediate Kloss family has grown tense, and there's a pounding in Taylor's head. That was close, but worse yet, the family now knows the answer to Kimby's question. Taylor doesn't miss the look that Tracy and Kristine exchange when their suspicions have been confirmed, and she knows Karlie doesn't either, because it's then that Karlie pours herself the first drink of many for the night.