"Are you ok, Leo?" I asked for the third time in the last two minutes.
We were meant to leave to the stadium in five minutes and he'd locked himself in his bathroom half an hour before.
"At least talk to us, Lee..." I pleaded. Tyler had gone to get tools in the garage to break the door. "Tyler's really worried right now..."
I couldn't believe it when I heard the familiar noise of the lock. I opened the door and when I saw how miserable he looked, I pulled him into a bear hug.
"I'm so scared..." He muttered.
"I know..." I whispered in his light brown hair. "It's normal. Today is a big day for you and Nate..."
"Normal?" He lifted his head and my heart broke when his glistening sapphires met mine.
"It's normal to be anxious on the day of your first football game ever, Leo..." I reassured him. "Nate's feeling as nervous as you, you know..."
"Yeah right..." He shot back in disbelief before looking down.
"Nate's just as scared of everything as you are, Leo..." I insisted.
"She's right, Lee..." My brother, who also looked really pale, intervened. "I'm just better than you at hiding it, that's all..." He added bitterly.
"So y-you're actually scared?!" Leo exclaimed.
"Petrified..." Nathan answered. "I've thrown up twice already..." He added.
Leo studied his friend intently until he knew Nathan was telling him the truth.
"Guys, it's only a sport..." I told them. "If you change your mind, we'll make up a story about some family emergency or something..." I gave them an out, knowing that it would make the event less daunting in their mind. "But you've both worked very hard to get there so if I were you, I'd go to this game and see how it goes to make up my mind..." I added with a shrug. "What do you say?"
Both boys looked at each other for a few seconds before Leo finally said, "I think you're right, Poppy." He muttered. "One game and we'll see... Nate?" My brother nodded and they bumped their fists.
"Game it is, then..." I announced. "You have exactly..." I checked my watch. "Two minutes to be ready." I looked at them. "Do you need any help with anything?" They shook their heads. "Then go!" They started running around to collect their bags and everything they'd need for the game so I left them to it, walking past Tyler on my way out.
"Come here..." He said before pulling me to him and pressing his lips against mine in a sweet kiss. "Thanks, yet again..." He whispered against my mouth.
"What for?" I was confused.
"You have no idea of how good you are to Leo, have you?" He sounded dumbfounded, which confused me even more.
"To Leo?" I repeated incredulously, but the boys stormed out of the room just at that moment so we followed them and met Landon, Darren and Owen.
That conversation would have to wait.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rochester Junior won twenty eight to fourteen and Leo and Nate each scored one touchdown.
Nathan hadn't exaggerated when he'd talked about their near hero status.
Girls clearly older than them were wearing customized tops with the boys' photos on them: GO LEO! <3 on one side and GO NATHAN! <3 on the other. Even the cheerleaders had a special routine for each scorer in which they integrated our little heroes' names.
I was proud of them when they kept their cool despite the excessive attention they'd got throughout the game. Nate had even wanted to come and see me at the end of the game but I gestured for him to follow his friends to the showers. I didn't want his team to think any less of him because of our closeness.
An arm snaked around my shoulders and I was suddenly spun around so quickly that I crashed on a hard chest. A familiar, very hard chest.
"I'm so f*cking happy, right now, Poppy!" He yell-whispered. "You've literally transformed him..." He went on and tilted my chin up before kissing me softly.
"Hmm... What are you talking about, Tyler?" I mumbled.
"Leo... He used to be scared of his own shadow, friend-less and so sad it broke my heart to drop him at school." He explained. I furrowed my eyebrows. "One month with you and your brother and he's a happy and confident-looking teenager living life to the fullest..."
"And what does it have to do with me?" I asked. "His friendship with Nate may have been the trigger but in the end, it's all him, Tyler..." I argued. "He had it in him all along..."
"Do you think I never tried to take him to the batting-cages or to play throw with him?!" He shot back looking hurt.
"Tyler..." I lifted my head so I was looking straight in his eyes. "You're intimidating. Your perfect appearance, your perfect grades, athletic prowess..."I stated. "Heck! Even your voice is impressive!" I exclaimed. "How do you think a kid who's six years younger than you will feel growing up next to you?" He didn't answer. "Intimidated, inferior, he'll keep wondering whether he's good enough for you, whether he's worthy of being your brother..." I answered with a small voice.
"I so wish my Mom was still with us..." His sudden sadness startled me.
"I-I didn't mean to..." I stuttered and stopped, unsure of what to say. Instead I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.
"I know you didn't..." He whispered into my hair making me shiver. "But I hate the way you always downplay what an amazing girl you are..." He added.
I shrugged.
"Poppy, Tyler!" Leo ran up to us, his hair wet and his bag hanging from his shoulder. "The team's going to celebrate at Marvin's. Can Nate and I go?"
Marvin was a senior. He was also the one Nate had punched after he'd insulted Leo.
"Will Marvin's parents be here?" I asked, unwilling to bring back the incident that happened only a few days before. I'd have to, though.
"No idea, do you want me to ask him?" He said, his big blue eyes, looking at me hopefully.
"Before you do..." I bit my lower lip nervously. "Did Marvin apologize after what happened at the try-outs?"
Leo's face fell and he sent a worried glance Tyler's way.
"What happened at the try-outs?" Lethal Tyler was back.
"Marvin was laughing at me so Nate punched him..." He muttered sadly.
"Lee." Nate walked up to us. "Don't tell me you want to go to that dickhead's place?!" He exclaimed. "I told him I'd only make efforts with him on the field until he apologized properly!"
"You and Pops are so alike, Nate, it's annoying at times!" Leo groaned, which was a rare feat. I smiled. "Is it so bad that I want to feel integrated?" He added with a little shrug.
"Integrated?" Nate sounded incredulous. "Today was your first football game ever and you scored. Girls were wearing tops with our freaking faces printed on them... You don't need to hang with a loser like Marvin to be integrated, Leo!"
Wow! I was so proud of my little brother right then that I had to blink back tears. Tyler must have seen my emotion because he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed it affectionately.
"Who's in for some Mexican?" Owen suggested when he and Darren finally joined us.
We all looked at Leo who lifted his arms and muttered a small "Ok..."
"Don't you ok us, Lee-boy!" I fake-chided him. "We all know Mexican is your favorite!"
Only then did a small smile tugged at his lips.
Tyler kissed the top of my head as we made our way to our cars.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
After our feast at the Mexican restaurant, we organized a Super Mario Kart Tournament which I lost miserably. They soon gave up on getting me to stop turning the gamepad whenever I wanted my kart to turn right or left.
In the end, they cheered each time I'd bump into a wall, which let's be honest, was pretty much at every turn. Darren even won the little bet they made about how many times I'd crash the kart.
Oh well, Tetris or Puzzle Bubbles were the only games I could play along with most of the Wii sports games that can be played with the Wii remote controller. I'd warned them from the very beginning.
Leo beat Nate in the semi-final and Owen cheated by tripping Tyler so got disqualified.
Tyler and Leo were pretending to be doing some warm-ups when Nathan came to sit next to me on the sofa that was the furthest from the TV.
"Pops..." He muttered. "I'd like you to tell me what you discovered on Wednesday..." I'd known it was coming but I'd expected it to be much, much later.
"You mean about Tyler's extreme's reaction?" I offered hoping he'd be satisfied with that part.
"I also want to know about Owen and Tom..." As usual he'd read me. I groaned inwardly at how perceptive he was.
"Let's go somewhere else then..." I said already dreading the next hour or so.
I went to put on a hoodie and got us two cans of soda.
"What's up?" Tyler was trying to hide his worry but not doing a very good job of it.
"Nate wants to know..." I didn't need to say more, I knew he'd understand and if the face he made was any indication, he had.
"Do you want me to come with?" He offered after tucking a loose strand of hair behind my hair.
"I'd rather be alone with him..." I muttered, hoping he'd understand.
He nodded.
"I'm here if you need anything..." He added before hugging me briefly and brushing his lips against mine. He walked back to his brothers and cousin and I instantly missed him.
We went out on the terrace and sat down on one of the outdoor sofas.
I took a long drink of my soda and made the decision to start with the bonfire night.
"I had no idea Tom had been sleeping around all summer long..." was Nate's initial reaction. "The dude's such a f*cking hypocrite, though..." He then exclaimed and I chose not to comment on his use of the F word, which he knew I hated. "Unless he's actually just plain stupid...In any case, he'd better not cross my path anytime soon because he won't know what's coming when he does..." I let him rant, knowing there was nothing I could say to make it better and I was two seconds away from crying, which I absolutely refused to do. "As to Irks, I'm actually glad he's dead..." His uncharacteristically cold tone sent shivers to my spine. "Suggesting you follow him up that tree to jump with him?!" He was clenching and unclenching his hands angrily.
He hadn't said a word about Owen.
After a few minutes of silence, he lifted his head again and said, "Ok, Tyler now."
This story would be harder to tell, not only because our parents were involved but because it shed light on the reason behind their increasingly bad parenting over the years. In fact, I thought it shed too much light.
I was still struggling to process my unplanned happenstance, the reason behind my Mom dating our Dad in the first place, our grandmother's more than harsh reaction. I was scared it would break him as much as it had me.
It took me several deep breaths and the rest of my soda to find the courage to start talking again.
"Do you think she's finding it so hard to forget what Bryan did to her back in High school that she's trying to forget everything that happened, us included?" I wiped the fat tear that accompanied his question with a trembling hand.
"I don't know..." I replied barely above a whisper, dreading what would most probably happen to us if ever he was right.
"Do you think she's ever loved us?" The million dollar question I kept asking myself. Except he sounded so sad that I was scared he'd never recover. It literally broke my heart but I had to be the stronger one. He needed me, especially now.
"Well, who wouldn't love an awesome dude like you, really?" I answered. It didn't sound as cheerful as I meant and I cringed inwardly, hoping it would have the desired effect.
"At least we have each other..." He mumbled a couple of seconds later with a small shrug. He could try all he wanted to look nonchalant, I didn't buy it. His fisted hands were trembling and so were his lips indicating that it was all an act and that he was in fact trying his best not to break down in front of me.
"Bed?" I offered, knowing he needed to let it go.
"Can I sleep with you?" I had to blink my eyes furiously not to cry on the spot when I heard how small and broken he sounded.
"Do you have Tyler's number?" I asked him when I realized I still hadn't asked him for it.
He nodded and handed me his phone.
Tyler answered after the first ring.
"Nate?"
"It's me..." I corrected him.
"Is everything ok?" he seemed to realize his mistake because he started mumbling under his breath.
"Do you think Nate and I could have our own room for tonight?" I asked him.
"Yeah sure..." He answered. "Meet me at the second deck in five minutes..."
"Ok, thanks." I muttered and hung up.
I took my brother's hand and led him down to the guest rooms' level of the building and it wasn't long before Tyler appeared at the door, a small bag in his hands.
He wordlessly unlocked the room that was right under his and opened the door for us. Somebody had obviously cleaned it after last night party, not that it would have mattered much to us.
"Do you need anything?" His voice was laced with worry but I already had too much on my plate to find the strength I'd need to reassure him so I chose to shake my head and keep my head downward, hoping he'd get the hint and leave us alone.
"I'm here, guys..." He sounded almost desperate and for a second I almost apologized for acting so coldly with him but he left the room and closed the door behind him before I had the time to make up my mind.
I picked up the small bag and saw that he'd packed some sleeping clothes for the two of us along with some toiletries. A couple of tears escaped my eyes at his thoughtfulness.
I decided to only remove my bra and my jeans, putting on shorts instead but Nathan, who was still wearing sweats, shook his head when I gestured to the night tee-shirt and shorts Tyler had packed for him.
I pulled back a corner of the beige duvet that covered the double bed and slid under it. Nathan followed suit and curled himself into a tight ball against my side. I turned the light off before sliding my arm under his head to pull him even closer.
It wasn't long before I felt the wetness of his silent tears against my skin after it had gone through my hoodie and my top. After that there was no stopping my own tears. We cried all night, holding onto each other for dear life and finally fell asleep from exhaustion after the sun had risen.
Nobody interrupted our pity party until six PM on Sunday when Tyler knocked on the door. By then we'd been lying in the dark for almost twenty four hours without ingesting anything. He knocked a second time and opened the door.
He walked to the bed and sat next to me.
"Hey..." He whispered after brushing some hair off my face. "You need to get some fresh air and eat something..." He wiped the tears that kept falling.
I had the worst headache ever and no motivation whatsoever to get out of this comfy bed in which I could hold my brother tightly and cry without a second thought.
When neither of us answered, he let out a big sigh.
"Guys..." He tried again.
"Is the party over at the main block?" Nate asked him, his voice hoarse.
Tyler grunted at that and I knew we wouldn't like what he was about to say.
"It is but they've had our stuff delivered here this afternoon..."
I huffed. She didn't want to see us so she was keeping us out of sight.
"There goes my answer..." Nathan mumbled and I knew he was referring to his question on whether our mother loved us or not.
Hmm... A big fat NOT... I thought, suddenly filled with an unprecedented anger.
"My Dad thinks she just needs some more time..." He offered unconvincingly.
"And Father Christmas does exist and lives with his elves, reindeers and wife in Iceland..." Nate interjected sardonically which reminded me that I was all he had.
"Doesn't he live in Lapland?" I croaked.
"Nope, Sis." His cold tone made me uneasy. "He doesn't exist... just like us in our dear mother's dreams..." Now I felt sick.
Despite his attempt at keeping it under his breath, I heard Tyler's "F*ck!" loud and clear, meaning he was just as worried as I was.
More tears kept pouring out of my eyes. I tried to get a grip but it was like I was broken inside.
"F*ck, f*ck, f*ck..." Tyler mumbled. "I'm calling Darren..." He said before leaving the room and plunging us back in the comfortable hidden place that darkness offered us.
Our respite didn't last long and soon, he was back with his cousin who opened the curtains and the windows wide before throwing the duvet to the floor.
"I swear to God..." Nate growled.
"Go ahead, hit me..." was Darren's answer which seemed to throw my brother for a loop and he blinked at him several times, looking confused.
"What?" Darren went on. "Isn't it what you want?"
"You're not on my People I Need to Beat the Shit Off list, so not really, no..." Nate interjected with a blank tone that did nothing to ease my worry.
Darren seemed surprised by his reaction. He'd probably expected him to need to let go off his anger no matter how, not for Nate to have a revenge plan all worked out in his head.
I motioned to pull him to me for a hug and was relieved when he didn't push me away. In fact what he did left me speechless. He sat up a bit and settled me against his chest so he was the one hugging me.
I couldn't see anything through the flow of tears that followed his gesture but I inwardly felt ashamed for not being able to sort myself out. Pathetic, that was how I felt. I couldn't stop crying when my twelve year old brother needed me so badly.
"Ty, take Poppy to the bathroom, a cold shower might snap her out of it..." Nate tightened his hold on me protectively. "I'm only trying to make her tears stop, Nate." Darren explained. "I think she's having a mini nervous breakdown..." He added and I wondered if that was what they called a nervous breakdown was like.
I was suddenly lifted in the air. As soon as my head hit his chest and his delicious cologne, I felt better. Once in the bathroom, he turned the water on, helped me remove my hoodie and my shorts and placed me under the icily cold water.
Even though I knew it was coming, it was still a shock to my system and it didn't take long for my entire body to start shaking violently until I could no longer stand on my own and I let myself slid down the small cubicle.
A few seconds later, the water warmed up to a nice temperature that put an instant stop to the shaking.
That was when I realized I was no longer crying.
I still felt so depressed, though, that I couldn't find the strength to stand back up.
Tyler passed me some shampoo and shower gel so I started washing my hair as if on autopilot.
When my soapy hands met the wet fabric of my top, I didn't think twice and removed it along with my panties. I slowly but meticulously lathered my whole body, making sure not to forget a single inch of skin as if it was important right now that I felt utterly clean. After that, I let the water rinse my hair and body and waited for the water that fell down the small drain next to my feet to be bubble free before lifting my head.
At my signal, Tyler turned the water off and handed me a towel looking flustered. I struggled to get up but when I was finally facing him, he helped me wrap it around my body. Once I was all covered, he pulled my wobbly self to him for a tight hug.
I don't know how long he held me like that but his gesture once again filled me with hope. I got dressed in the fresh clothes he'd brought for me and followed him out of the room to the deck where Nathan and Darren were having a very serious conversation.
"How can you be so sure?" Nate was saying when we reached them.
"Because no matter how difficult it is for her to face you and thus face her series of poor choices, she constantly keeps tabs on you." He answered with a pointed look my way, and even I could tell he wasn't trying to bullshit us. "She regularly phones the school, Ty or Owen now since what happened this week, and while she was away, Magda...That's not the behavior of somebody who doesn't care about her kids." He added. "She's finally taken the jump. She's sold her house and accepted to come and live here..." He then said. "I think her pregnancy's not helping either..."
Could he be right? Could it all be temporary? Was there a chance for us to get our mother back?
Nate's eyes met mine and I could tell that he was wondering exactly the same thing.
"You don't have to stay here because Nate and I have to..." I pointed out to Tyler several minutes later, once it had all sunk in.
"I suppose you could move to our block with us..." He interjected. "That could work..." He groaned. "No it wouldn't..."
"The kitchen?" I guessed and he nodded with his nose scrunched up.
"Who cares, anyway?" He asked next. "Now that our stuff is here, it's exactly the same..."
As much as this amazing boy filled me with hope, I was suddenly paralyzed by a new fear and I wasn't so sure the glimpse of hope was worth the terrible pain that would follow if my fear came true.