"What's that?" I asked a few days later as I walked into mine and Jamie's bedroom, tossing my backpack on the bed. Jamie was coming out of the bathroom dressed in a pair of boardshorts, looking and smelling shower fresh.
"It's a wetsuit." He dropped the towel he'd been using to dry off, and I hurried into his open arms, snuggling close to his bare chest. Since we now shared a bathroom, I'd learned Jamie refused to use soap of any kind. He'd rinse off under the shower, but he never washed his hair with shampoo or used soap on his skin. He said he didn't like the idea of having all those chemicals from the shampoo so close to his brain and that the soap further dried out his skin. I'd certainly never noticed that it made a difference. He always smelled like heaven to me.
"I know it's a wetsuit, but what's it for?"
"It's time to return the sea star and I want you to go with me."
"We can't just toss it back in from shore?" My gaze lifted to the window. The sun was out and the temperature was in the lower sixties, but the water was cold, too cold for me. Still, the idea of swimming with Jamie was too much to resist, so I pulled my shirt over my head and discarded my jeans. It surprised me sometimes how easy it was to get naked in front of him probably because he seemed to appreciate it so much. He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel wanted.
"No. It has to be taken to the Deep," he said with a hint of understandable regret, pulling me back into his arms.
We'd been using the sea star as a nightlight as it provided just the right amount of mythical light to make his room feel intimate and slightly magical. Jamie had done magical things to me by the light of that sea star. With me standing in front of him in the pair of bathing suit bottoms I'd slipped on, I guess he couldn't resist trying some of those magical things again, and I certainly wouldn't refuse him. I'd learned a few things myself, learned what he liked, which was just about anything that involved my hands and mouth on him. It was immensely gratifying the way Jamie responded to my touch. The way he shook with need. The way he whispered my name. The way he never seemed to get enough of me, always wanting more.
"Booties too?" I asked thirty minutes later as I pulled the wetsuit over my hips and up my arms.
"Booties too." Jamie zipped me the rest of the way up and bent to kiss me, those sweet lips lingering, still greedy for more.
"I feel like a frog man," I said once I put the booties on.
"You don't look like a frog man." Jamie's hands ran over my hips and around to my stomach, the smile that broke over his face mischievous. "What's this?"
The tight suit hugged my sprouting baby bump. I looked down disconcerted. "I doubt I'll be able to zip my jeans much longer."
Jamie took my face in his hands, the look in his eyes expressly tender. "Nothing much has changed for me and it's just hitting me what you're giving up to have our baby. I know there are girls in your situation that would have chosen differently, and I guess I want to thank you."
"It wasn't anything I had to think about. I've told you that. I'm having a baby with the man I love, how can I regret that?" I leaned up on my toes and kissed him on the mouth and his arms swallowed me as he hugged me close.
"All right." He released me though he kept hold of my hand. "Let's go. We want to do this while the sun's high. Even in a wetsuit it will still be cold for you."
The sky over the water was a crisp blue, and I shivered slightly when Jamie led me into the surf. The waves were small, and I jumped on Jamie's back, fitting my cheek next to his.
I held the sea star cupped gently in my hand, and the sounds of land faded the further away from shore we traveled, replaced with a peaceful quiet. Jamie moved silently and gracefully, and I fell into a trance-like state watching him and feeling the way his muscles worked. Muscles I was now well-acquainted with.
At one point, he turned over, threaded his hand around the back of my head, and pulled me down for a kiss, the evidence of his continual want for me pressed between us.
"If you were—" he started then stopped himself, something shining in his eyes I couldn't decipher.
"If I were what?" I was sure he'd been about to say if I were like him and I felt a stab of regret that I wasn't.
"Nothing," he said and claimed my mouth in another kiss that had me longing for summer. I'd almost brave the cold water and the risk of hypothermia for the chance that he'd unzip this wetsuit and show me what it was like to be with him out here.
He ended the kiss and turned back over, securing my hands on his shoulders.
"Don't you get cold?" I struggled to keep my teeth from chattering while his skin under my hands was still so warm.
"Well, it's not the same as in the summer months when the water is eighty degrees. We prefer it warmer. It would get uncomfortable out here after a few hours, but we aren't likely to stay out that long this time of year, especially in the deeper waters where it's colder."
After a few more minutes he stopped, and I gazed back toward shore, surprised how far away we were. Taking note of the choppier waters, I waited to feel a sense of alarm but it never came. I knew it wouldn't, not with Jamie here.
"This should be good. I don't want to keep you out here too long."
I held the sea star in my hand palm up, and I could see now that the light was beginning to fade. "We didn't wait too late, did we?"
"No." Jamie hugged me from behind, wrapping his whole body around me, giving me as much of his heat as he could. He brought his hand up underneath mine and cupped it with his. Then he slowly turned our hands over, and the sea star dropped into the water, falling like a penny dropped in a wishing well or a star shooting across the sky. I followed the light, wanting to watch its glow for as long as possible, my heart turning heavy when I could no longer see it.
"Do you think it's still shining?" My heart sank as an unexplained sadness stole over me. I already missed its light.
"Yes." He nuzzled my ear, his arms tight around my middle.
I turned my face into his.
"Go check." Something inside me needed to know it was still shining.
"What?"
"Go check. Please. I want to make sure."
"You'll be all right by yourself for a few seconds? You won't be scared?"
Land was so far away it was only a thin, white line on the horizon.
"Why would I be scared? I'm with you."
He pressed warm lips to my cheek. "I'll be right back."
Jamie dove and within the space of a breath it felt as if I were all alone in this vast space with a whole world beneath me that I would never be privy to, that I had no way to be a part of. I almost felt like an intruder, as though Jamie had brought me to a forbidden place. The waves chopped angrily around my shoulders as if she, the Deep, didn't want me here. Before my thoughts could grow more morose, Jamie resurfaced in front of me and his lips immediately found mine, allaying any doubts that I didn't belong here with him.
"It's still shining," he said.
"I love knowing it's down there. I wish I could go down there with you."
He studied me for a moment, a longing building in his eyes. "Take a deep breath and hold on."
As soon as I did, he dove, taking me with him.
We didn't go all the way to the bottom. The water was too deep for that, but he took me just to the point I felt the pressure of the water building in my head. He put his mouth to mine and my lips parted. I took his breath, and when my lungs were full, he held us suspended in tranquility where nothing else existed but the two of us. I could see the sea star shining out of the depths beneath us. The star's light grew brighter, piercing the darkness, touching my feet and spreading upward, slowly illuminating Jamie's face. Ignoring the sting of salt in my eyes, I smiled. Jamie placed his hand under my chin and tilted my face to his and breathed into me again. I took the air he offered greedily. He ran his fingers through my hair as it ribboned in the current. He took my hand and with a slight flick of his feet, we were coasting. He spun us in a slow, spiraling circle, his hands at my waist, mine on his shoulders. We danced to the muted silence of the Deep, a tune I could somehow hear. Jamie was sharing his world with me. Things had been so normal for us lately, so mundane, I'd almost forgotten what he was. Being here with him as close to his world as I was likely to get, it was so patently obvious he was so much more than I'd known, and I marveled at the magnificence of him, wanting to prolong this beat in time. The burn in my lungs dared to ruin what was otherwise a perfect moment. Jamie pulled me into his chest offering me the air I needed. We began our ascent, floating slowly upward, lips and tongues melded together, bodies entwined.
"Thank you," I said when we surfaced, wishing we could stay out here forever.
"I need to get you home. Your lips are turning blue."
His eyes shifted and his body grew rigid under my hands. Before I could ask what was wrong, he tucked me behind him. Peering over his shoulder, I saw what had caused his sudden change in demeanor. A dorsal fin sliced through the water, coming straight for us.
"Jamie." The dorsal submerged, and I watched, my heart in my throat, as the shark swam right below us.
"That's a big shark." My hands gripped tighter to his shoulders.
"They like the light too."
"Do you think there are more?"
"I don't know. Let me check. I don't want to worry about them trailing us all the way back." I felt Jamie's arm move and a second later he slipped the knife he wore from its sheath and put it in my hand, making sure I had a firm grip.
"What's that for?"
"That's for just in case," he said. "Go for the eyes and gills."
"Jamie—" But he was already gone. I watched until like the light and the shark, he disappeared into the murkiness.
Endless minutes passed. Minutes that were nothing like the ones when he'd been checking to make sure the star was still shining. The shore seemed so much farther away—a distance I'd never want to attempt on my own. The water seemed darker, more menacing now that I knew sharks lurked. I'd never seen a shark that big. My heart started to pound and my breath was coming faster and faster. What if something happened to Jamie? What if there were more sharks than he could handle alone?
"Jamie!" I tried to stem my growing panic. My mind raced with possibilities, of all that could go wrong. He should have kept his knife with him. Did he really expect he could fend off a swarm of sharks with his bare hands? I took a deep breath and forced my thoughts to more rational ones. He wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't have put me or our baby in danger. But the shark had looked big. And if the light from the sea star was attracting them it was possible there were more. He might be hurt and I would never know. "Jamie!"
Still I couldn't see him. Where was he? What was taking so long?
I was about to call him again when something shot up behind me. I screamed, thrashing and turning and the knife slashed across Jamie's thick chest, a long line of blood welling just under his collarbone.
"Whoa." His fingers circled my wrist, and he seemed totally oblivious to the wound I'd inflicted. "Careful with that. You might hit something vital."
"Oh my God, you scared the crap out of me." My body was trembling and my lip quivered and not from the cold. The knife fell from my grip, and Jamie caught it before it could sink to the bottom, sheathing it at his hip.
"Erin, I'm sorry." He cupped my face in his hands, eyes searching mine.
"I thought something had happened to you." Tears burned my eyes and I grabbed his wrists and held on.
"I never would have left you alone if there had been any danger to you. You have to know that." He pulled me to him and I clung to his neck. "I would never let something happen to you. There were only two of them. They're gone now."
I squeezed my eyes shut, staunching the flow of tears. I didn't want him to see how afraid I'd been. I didn't want him to think I was afraid of his world.
He held me away from him and forced me to meet the intensity in his eyes. "Tell me you believe that. I would never put you in danger."
I nodded and he kissed me firmly, as though he could force me to believe him with his mouth.
"I forget sometimes," he said after he'd lifted his face from mine, "you're..."
"Weak. Only human."
"No. I forget you're not used to being out here. I've been doing this since I was three years old. I should have realized."
I looked down at his chest where already the cut I'd made had healed, and suddenly the body under my hands seemed so much more extraordinary.
"And you're not weak." He turned me toward shore, fitting me against his chest, his mouth close to my ear, his breath coasting over my cheek. "If something had happened to me you would have turned for shore and started swimming, and you would have kept swimming until you made it. It would have been that easy."
With Jamie's confident voice in my ear, the thought of swimming to shore alone didn't sound nearly as bad. It sounded doable. He made me believe.
He spun me around to face him and with his hands on my hips held me at arms length.
"Look," he said, the bob of his chin indicating the darkness beneath us.
I peered into the depths, and if I strained hard enough I could see the pinpoint of the light of the sea star shining from the deep dark.
"Everything's okay."
As long as he was with me, everything would be okay.