A/N:
creds to the lovely :@allfandoms3 for this idea ^_^
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Philophobia. Its name comes from two Greek roots, "philo" meaning love and "phobia" meaning fear of. The fear of love.
Something that Dan never would admit but deep down, knew he had. It's all so frightening to him. When you fall for someone, you leave yourself so vulnerable. You're wounds are open and they know exactly where they are. They have the ability to pierce through your skin or brain.
You trust them with all your might since you're falling for them. They can drop you at any moment.
Dan never wanted to feel this. The sense of despair and demoralising himself. He didn't even like to think about it. Not after seeing it all unfold before him.
Starting at age 10 was when it began. He would watch from the top of the stairs when he knew he should have been in bed but he couldn't help it. He could hear screaming and yelling, he couldn't help but watch. He would bring his stuffed teddy that he was far too old for and hug it as the events transpire. Whenever louder sounds were heard, he would cover the teddy's eyes and ears. He knew he shouldn't watch but what were he to do?
Only once a month. Not a particular day, but once a month. Then once a week. Dan didn't want to sleep anymore. Everytime he would, the nightmares would wake him up. The nightmares of his father. His own flesh and blood. But it wasn't recognisable to his father. It was him. Only at age 12 would he have these nightmares. When he knew he had to sleep and had an exam the next day, he would rest his head on the pillow.
But them the recollections of his mind would form into himself saying the harsh words that his own father would spit. And then they started to change. At age 16. His mother hadn't left the monster yet, she couldn't. Back then he could never understand why. But now he looks back and realised exactly why.
Nobody will ever love you like me.
Who would want to be with you?
I'm your only hope.
You can't escape me.
Dan's mother eventually did leave that psychotic chamber of despair. But in an ambulance. His so called father had went one too far with this one and let his anger had subdued his inner thoughts. He lost it.
Dan would be seen as a normal person now. However, the concept of love scared him. His mother had one fear and one fear only. To be alone. That man would target that fear and use it against her. He never wanted that. He never wanted to be left so exposed.
But his dream to stay concealed would not always work. There would always be those people he came across, wanting to rip open his little tent and climb in with him. So Dan had to put tape on every corner, strong enough so no breath of fresh air could be let out or in. His own little box.
But at times, people would like to step on that box, push it around and play with it. They would get close to him which only scared him more. It prettified him. He didn't want to live through that.
But then Dan would watch silly cheesy love movies and smile. Contradicting his condition, he would smile and laugh, maybe shed a tear. In his tiny little tent.
At age 20, Dan had a plan. He wanted to get better. But the thought of it made his stomach coil and gave him an urge to throw up. He couldn't help himself. But he knew someone could.
He wanted to be happy but it was so hard. So one snowy afternoon, Dan coughed up the courage to make a phone call for a counsellor. But in his mind, he thought of it as a 'helper'. Not someone you go to when you need physiological help, but in a way a smart friend. He hoped.
When he reached the reception, he explained his appointment and she smiled kindly. He started to fiddle with his shirt, not able to look her in the eyes. He hadn't properly looked anyone in the eyes since he was a little kid.
The lady nodded. "We've made arrangements and think it's best if you have one of our younger counsellors. He's still one of the best here so don't worry! And we thought you would feel more comfortable talking to him." She said in a softer tone.
Dan nodded timidly, awkwardly looking down at the ground still.
"His name is Mr Lester. His room is the one upstairs. He should be ready now." The receptionist said cheerily.
Dan spun around, quickly making his way upstairs. There was a hallway leading to separate rooms. This place was suppose to have that home vibe. It was just a house that had some rooms changed, converted into a counsellors place. He liked it, it made him feel as if he wasn't an outsider for once.
He paced across the hallway to a door with a small gold plate stuck to it.
Mr Lester
Dan gulped, about to knock when the door swung open. He jumped back in shock, letting out a small squeal of fear. The man who opened the door was indeed young. He seemed a bit older than Dan, with black hair, blue eyes and a pale complexion.
"Sorry to scare you." The man said in his surprisingly deep voice. "Hi, Dan right?" He smiled, holding his hand out.
Dan glanced anywhere but his face since the man was looking directly at him. He shook his hand and nodded. He was then led to a room which was more like a bedroom than an office station. There was a table sat in the middle along with a comfortable looking chair, the same one opposite it.
The man took his seat on one side of the table and gestured for Dan to sit too. He felt uncomfortable already. He sat down, hands under his thighs as he sat, something that helped him cope with nerves.
The man continued to stare intensely at Dan, then picking up his small notebook from the desk and jotting something down. Dan felt even more shy now knowing how he would be watching him so much.
"So Dan. From your records it seems you have many symptoms of philophobia?" Mr Lester asked.
Dan simply nodded, staring down at his lap.
"Wh-"
Dan bit his lip, glancing up to see the man watch him again, jotting another thing down. "I-I....I cant t-talk if y-y-you stare at m-me..." He interrupted nervously.
Phil quickly spun his chair around, making it seem that he was use to patients not wanting such direct eye contact. Dan was now facing the back of the tall chair, heart pacing slower.
"So Dan." The man continued. "Do you know where this all started?"
"I-I think so...".
"Would you say you know it from a personal or second hand sort of experience?" He asked.
"Um...second hand I suppose. I saw m-my mum and the w-way my d-d...he would treat her." Dan stopped himself, tapping anxiously with his finger against the wooden sides of the chair.
Then, the man made a humming sound, humming the tune that sounded so familiar to Dan but just couldn't remember. He calmly continued the humming for a minute or so through the silence, somehow relaxing Dan's nerves giving him the calmness to speak again.
"I think i was 9 or 10. And i would watch from the stairs and-and the concept of getting close to anyone...it petrifies me." Dan spoke again.
"Why?"
"Because I never want to be vulnerable." Dan's voice sounded colder. "I never want to be taken advantage of."
"Who says everyone will?" The man retaliated.
"I like my own tent. I don't want people to come inside and mess everything up."
"But what if someone climbed into your tent and cleaned it up for you?" He asked again."
"I-I...I don't know...You can turn around now...i-if you want." Dan said calmer than before.
Mr Lester spun his chair around, stopping and facing Dan but now the stare didn't seem so intense. It had a sense of friendliness to it rather than probing his inner thoughts through is eyes.
"What's your name?" Dan said randomly, not liking at least knowing the person that was supposed to help him's name.
"I'm Phil Lester. Age 28, been working here for maybe 8 years." Phil smiled.
Dan gasped quietly. "Eight years?! You're so young. You must be super smart."
Phil grinned, shaking his head. "No no of course not! I just skipped a few school years because they weren't that important I guess."
Dan grinned for the first time in a while. "That's cool."
Phil raised an eyebrow, smile disappearing. "Dan, do you realise you are unintentionally bonding with me, in a way getting closer to me?"
Dan felt a nauseating feeling hit his stomach. He felt weird.
Phil leant closer across the desk a bit more. "But here's the thing. Your mind always takes that action into account, of how your mother was treated, it stays at the back of your mind. It affects you, haunts your every move. But since you have the will to get better, you have the will to push it out. Your memories of your past are bad, I presume? Now tell me the good ones. The ones that made you smile in your sleep, feel a sense of excitement whenever you think about it. Tell me that."
Dan clenched his eyes shut, thinking desperately for anything nice. Nice, what had happened that made him smile? Why couldn't he think of it right at this moment? Had there really been nothing his entire life to make him cherish that memory.
And then it hit him.
"On my birthday everyday, me and my mum would go to the beach and get away from it for a day." Dan breathed out almost inaudibly.
Phil sighed of relief. "What would happen?"
"W-What do you...ohh um...." Dan shut his eyes, resting his head back on the chair, relaxing a bit more. He began to imagine it, the good memories stored in a dusty cabinet at the back of his mind. "We would go every year, no matter what the weather and it...it was like a tradition thing where we would buy ice creams and watch the sea, and then get those fat chips. And it was so fun seeing her smile but...as I got older she became weaker. We still went but she couldn't do as m-much as w-we use to." His voice started to turn shakier.
Phil started humming again, tapping his pencil on the desk in tune with the nostalgic song. "You loved your mother, am I correct?" Phil broke the silence.
Dan nodded without a second thought.
Phil raised his eyebrows. "You love someone. You fear of being loved yet there is someone you know you love. Dan, she knows everything about you, your strengths and weaknesses. Yet you love her. Is that not what love it? Expressing these things?"
"I don't want to be left vulnerable! N-Not like her." He stammered.
Phil shut his little notebook, dropping his pen on the table. "I think that's enough for now. We will meet again in two days right? I have a task for you."
Dan sat up, nodding for him to continue.
"Over the next two days, try to write down the things that make you smile. Is that okay?" Phil asked, getting up too.
Dan nodded shyly. "Goodbye." He trembled nervously since Phil was staring at him directly again as he left the room quickly.
Phil was only able to give a small wave as Dan left in a hurry. He sat down, taking more notes into his little book.
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Part 1/?
I really like this story and if you guys like it I might turn it into a whole separate story?? (comment if I should and whether you would read it) or keep it as a oneshot?)
Also sorry for the late update ilyy
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