You said move on, where do I go.
It's been six years since I saw her.
If my memory was correct, though I'm sure it was and I almost chuckled at my skepticism, she was taller than me. But now after much observation and the time lapsed, I had grown a couple of inches here on earth. If we were to see each other again in her planet Alternia, I would wager we were the same height now.
Unless she grew as well.
I would never admit how much I wanted to see her again. Though I'm certain that the others know, I tried not to show it. But I truly did miss her. My matesprit.
I remember a memory of her,
“Is That Any Good?” she had asked with eyebrows raised at the cup of coffee I was drinking. It still made me wonder if she knew everything she did was breathtaking.
I smirked as I placed my cup at the table in front of us. We had been in the meteor's library, reading books to pass time. “I suppose. But I'm not sure I could describe the taste of it by substituting it for a troll's certain beverage due to the lack of knowledge of your kind's drinking history.”
She smiled. “I Guess.” and she turned her eyes to the tome she was reading, her lips still contorted with a slight smile.
I started reading as well, but got bored after one paragraph, so I casually rolled my chair closer to her, our elbows touching. She didn't seem to mind the sudden gesture except for a tiny flush of green on her cheeks, and had continued reading.
I wrapped my arms around her. This time she noticed, and had glowed brightly. “You seem in quite a nice mood today, Kanaya.” I had wondered.
She chuckled, the sound warming my insides like the coffee. “I Am Just Really Elated That You Are Consuming This Cup Of Joe Instead Of Your Soporifics, Rose.” her eyes looked at me and I felt them melting into mine.
I smiled. A genuine one. It was an instant reaction to my lips when we spent time together. “Well, I had realized that one's problem should not also be implemented on their lover by making them anxious.”
“But You Still Have Troubles.” her eyebrows furrowed and she bit down on her bottom lip while looking down at the table.
Worrying. Always worrying. I turned her chair so her whole body was angled towards me and had placed my face at the base of her neck while my hands held her by the waist.
“By quite a margin, dear Kanaya,” I breathed heavily. She shivered. “Though as I've said, I realized that I should not be giving all the worry and remorse to you when I drink my beverages.” I kissed her lightly on her neck and pulled away to look at her face.
Her cheeks were flushed green and her eyebrows were still together, but now she looked confused. I was about to excruciatingly explain again, but her face smoothed at last. Her eyes flashed to mine, dazzling me momentarily.
“You Will Not Consume Your Human Soporifics Anymore?” her lips smiling at the idea.
I smirked. “That was what I was implying before. So as long as you are with me, never will I feel such melancholy, my muse.” She took me by surprise by placing her hands at my neck and kissed me on my full lips. Her fangs slightly grazed my bottom lip and it made me want to hold her more close. So that's what I did.
* * *
It made me sad inside. Though of course my face held no feebleness.
Ever since the game ended and we won, I tried not to think about her. How she had bid farewell, because she thought it was the right thing to do. How her eyes glistened with tears when she held my hand one last time, then let it go. The last image that registered in my mind before the four of us left, was the girl I love running away from me.
“Rose?” John asked from behind.
Shit. He caught me off guard. I slowly turned around and saw him looking at me cautiously. Probably concerned that I was staring off into space for a long time awhile ago. He walked the space between us and stared at my eyes. What is it about people and staring at eyes? The only being I knew who did the same thing was... her.
He lifted his hand and touched my face softly. I closed my eyes.
It's been six years and my heart still longed for her.
I couldn't help it. The hand that held my face wasn't hers. I felt no safeness.
“Is Something The Matter Rose?”
I felt my mouth pop open in shock and let out a sharp breath.
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was her green irises staring at me softly with her eyebrows slightly pulled together. Why was she this beautiful? My eyes traced over her smooth black lips, angular jaws, and spiky black hair. I had loved this face. Loved it with my whole life. The hand at my face suddenly felt warmer and softer. She was so lovely, it made my eyes swim which was highly unacceptable because it made it hard to see her.
I wanted to hold her in my arms. My heart stuttered at the thought of her close for it had been a long time since I held her. She smiled at me sadly. I was about to say her name when I blinked.
She disappeared.
Blue eyes rimmed with glasses stared at me with concern. “Rose,” he said like he was repeating something he already mentioned, “Are you okay?”
I held back the feeling of despair that washed through me and shook my head. I had thought she was here. Thought that she was finally holding me and still loved me like I wanted her to, but she wasn't.
He kissed my lips, probably so I could forget whatever was bothering me, but I tasted her mouth.
Never had I felt so alive that the game was finished, and so sad that the game ended. There was no reason anymore to communicate with her. Though I still could, I all but stayed away from my laptop for years. She had wanted this. Wanted the earth's population to grow again by Jade and Dave, me and John, reproducing our species.
But honestly, it wasn't necessary. I didn't want to do the right thing, I had said to her. I wanted to stay with her, to live the rest of my life taking care of her, but she had pushed me away. I never even got to say a proper goodbye when I left. She had hurt me deeply, but I would never admit that to anyone.
John held my hand and led me to his bedroom.
I stumbled behind him, seeing nothing. He sat me on his bed and had lifted my chin up so he could look at my face. I wonder what it held. Probably nothing just like always. The tears that rolled a while ago had dried on my cheeks. I didn't bother wiping them with my sleeve or the back of my hand.
“Rose.”
My eyes immediately flashed to the sound.
There she was again. Staring at me with those lovely sad eyes. My chest ached so much, I couldn't breathe right. I knew she wasn't here. That I'd only deluded my subconscious into imagining that she was. I closed my eyes because I didn't want to see her. There was too much pain. There was too much love.
John kissed me again and it took every ounce of willpower I had not to cry. I tried to set my mind straight that it wasn't her lips moving with mine, not her gentle chainsaw wielding-slash-sewing hands that touched my face, not her warmth, or breath, or smell.
But I couldn't help myself.
I was kissing her again. After so many years apart, I'd forgotten what she tasted like. So sweet and delicious. I had missed her hands at my face, always giving protection and reassurance whenever I needed it.
My heart pounded achingly alive and strong. It was proof that I still had feelings for her. That I never forgot her, and I probably never will. My first love.
She pulled away from the kiss and I felt my face crumple in irritation. I still wanted her close. Perhaps she was playing games again like she used to.
“I love you,” I breathed. My head felt dizzy from all the emotions and happenings today.
“It's her, isn't it?”
I opened my eyes and saw John looking at me sadly. My head lowered and I felt tears escape through my eyes again. Why was it so hard to forget? To move on and never come back? To leave something that meant the world to you without a backward glance?
“I'm sorry, John. I'm sorry.” my hands gripped the hem of my pants while I cried. I felt like I was going to pass out any minute. There were six years of pain. Six years of always thinking it was her that held me while I slept.
He sat beside me and held me in his arms. Up to now they didn't feel right. Not the same temperature or shape. It wasn't home, and I still struggled to make it so.
“It's okay, Rose. I understand. It's okay.” I waited for him to rub my back the way Kanaya does, but it never came and I felt glad. For I didn't need anymore reminders of her to make me feel sad and miserable.
He let go of me and kissed the top of my head. I cringed.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Let's just get some sleep.” He stood me up and walked me to the next room where I always slept.
“I'm really sorry, John.” my voice was emotionless and I couldn't meet his eyes.
“No, it's okay Rose. I promise.” he assured me. “Good night.” and he cupped me on the shoulder with his hand then left.
I knew John and I had to reproduce sometime, but I couldn't seem do it. I couldn't make myself be intimately vulnerable for someone else besides a troll that I loved more than myself. It wouldn't be her hands gripping me closer for more physical contact, not her lips tracing every contour of my body leaving me breathless and flushed, and not her eyes looking into mine as if she saw everything she wanted and more.
I blindly opened the door and made my way to the bed, rolling to my side while I tried to sleep.
The clock signaled it was 2 am in the morning when I woke up.
I let my eyes wander around my dark room. Something placed on the table across from my bed caught my attention for it had been a long time since I used it. Sleep forgotten, I walked to it and slowly sat on my chair, my hands trembling as I opened it.
Lights illuminated at my face and I felt my shoulders slump when the wallpaper of my laptop came into view. I forgot to change it six years ago.
It had been a sketch of us together. I drew her face, and she sketched mine. The picture of my face seemed alien to me. It had been the work of a beautiful woman's graceful fingers and I had been smiling that day, so she drew me like that. Happy. The word seemed alien as well.
I finally sent a message to the trolls, hoping someone was awake, then felt self-conscious. I hadn't even bothered to change my attire of a crumpled shirt and pants. What if they decided to video chat? Was my hair a mess? Oh well.
I waited but nothing came.
I tried again.
TT: No one is awake, I presume?
I didn't want to draw much attention since it had been a long time, and perhaps they knew that if I were ever to communicate with them, she would be the first one I would want to chat with.
Still nothing.
Resigned, I was about to close my laptop and never use it again for a while, when a reply popped up. Though it wasn't her, I tried not to feel deflated.
CG: LALONDE
TT: Hello, Vantas. How are you?
CG: I'M ALRIGHT. I'VE BEEN BUSY LATELY.
CG: ROSE, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
CG: ALSO, DID JOHN FINALLY MENTIONED TO YOU ABOUT
TT: Before you proceed, I just wanted to ask first.
TT: How is... um... everyone?
It was hard to type her name. Karkat didn't reply for a while and I panicked that he had left. Perhaps my attempt at subtlety to ask about her wasn't convincing.
TT: Karkat? Are you still there?
CG: SHE'S GONE, ROSE.
TT: Pardon?
CG: I THOUGHT JOHN TOLD YOU. HE SAID HE WOULD.
CG: SHE'S FUCKING GONE.
It didn't make any sense.
CG: I'M SORRY, ROSE.
And then the sorry did it. A lump rose in my throat and I felt my hands shaking, this time at the memory.
Gamzee.
I remember Kanaya saying to me that she would try to find him again once we parted ways. I had told her not to, but she wouldn't listen. She had said that she would be careful though, and I trusted her that she wouldn't let herself get killed.
CG: ROSE, ARE YOU THERE? DID YOU LEAVE?
CG: FUCK, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
But I had closed my laptop before he could type more. It was too much.
I sobbed now. Loud. I had probably woken John because after a few minutes he came knocking at the door.
“Rose? Are you okay? Rose, open up.”
I marched towards my door and threw it open to glare at him. He stared at my expression with wide eyes. It had been a long time since I felt any emotion aside from moroseness.
Anger layered in my voice. “Why didn't you tell me?”
He flinched at the resentment and seemed to understand. “I was going to, I swear! It's just that... you already seemed sad and you didn't want me to mention her name most of the time so I had second thoughts on whether to tell you right away.” he almost tripped at his words to get them out quickly.
My hands balled into fists and I badly wanted to punch him in the face. How could he do that to me? I thought we were friends and that he would never hurt me, but I was wrong. You should never trust people who said they'll never hurt you, because they will. Like Kanaya said she would be waiting for me even after a long time, but she wouldn't now.
I pushed him away and ran outside to my car. The key was already in the ignition due to my constant driving in the afternoons to distract myself, and drove off. I would have ran on foot but I feared that John would eventually catch up to me, convincing me to go back to his house, and I would be too weak with grief by then to argue.
The wind dried the tears in my eyes while I drove with the windows down. I passed my old house on the way, but felt no warmth. I had no home. They were dead. First my mom, now the girl I loved. I didn't know where to go anymore.
I couldn't remember the last thing I said to her. Was it nice? Did I use sarcastic remarks to hide the pain? Did my voice tremble, showing how much I wanted to be with her until the end of my days? I shook my head and hoped it had been words of love at least.
Once, I reluctantly gave her words of encouragement that she would find another matesprit because she was just so easy to love. But I had known that she would know I wouldn't really want her to. My heart ached that I was so selfish to her.
I finally stomped on the brake, turned the car off, and placed my head against the steering wheel. It was bad enough that I didn't see her in a very long time, now I wouldn't be able to actually see her anymore.
Minutes or hours had probably passed by while I stayed there alone. I hummed a song I once sang to her, and heard an engine outside my window.
I saw him remove his motorcycle helmet and shook out his blonde hair. “John told me you went for a drive,” he said while he fixed the sunglasses on his face. He looked stupid. It was still dark outside and he was wearing sunglasses. Stupid.
“Did you know about that?” that my matesprit died, I had wanted to ask. I didn't even lift my head up and my voice sounded... dead. There was no other way to explain it.
He scratched his head sheepishly. “Yeah. Sorry, sis.”
“Take me back, Dave.” He would know I meant back to Alternia where I could see what was left of the girl that meant everything to me.
“You know I can't fucking do that, Rose. We don't play Sburb anymore. We can't.” His words hit me like bullets and I struggled to breath right.
He switched his motorcycle off, opened the door of my car, and lifted me to the passenger seat because I was this “tiny thing”, he once said.
“When did John tell you?" I asked while he sat in the driver's seat.
“Er... a few weeks ago.” he admitted.
I flinched. It had been that long? Was I the only one who didn't know about it? Didn't I have a right to, since I was the one who probably cared about her more than anyone? It made me feel mad and betrayed. The world was such an idiot place. Letting you fall in love, then taking them away from you.
“Why didn't anyone tell me?” I grumbled
“We didn't want you to feel sad.”
I glared at him incredulously.
“I'm taking you back to John.” he started the ignition.
“No. Just leave, Dave. I don't want to go anywhere.”
“Rose...”
I couldn't help the pain that had slashed at my whole being. Why did everything had to remind me of her? I hated my name now, remembering how she used to say it like that most of the time. Layered with worry and concern and...
Love.
I sobbed again. My hands covering my face, though it did nothing to hide the agony. Why did it hurt so much that you cared about someone?
“Don't you say my name,” my voice cracked and trembled but I didn't care. Who fucking cared? I wasn't Rose anymore. Rose Lalonde was strong and never weak. I didn't know who I was. “Don't you ever say my name like that.” I wasn't sure I was still talking to Dave at this point.
I fumbled for the car's handle and wrenched my door open. My body seeking for escape, and had ran away as fast as it could into a woods nearby. I knew Dave would let me be. My brother would let me get a head start so I could be alone for a while because it was what I wanted, and then he would look for me again.
I never wanted to stop running. Even as my legs cramped and my feet begged for me to rest, I kept going. I was rather hoping I could run away from the pain for even just a second, but it stayed with me. Lurking in my veins, clouding my chest, and burning my heart.
The phone in my pocket vibrated and had slowed me down. I glanced at the caller ID once showing Jade Harley's name, then threw it away. I was making everyone worry, but I couldn't seem to care. I had only wanted one being to worry about me, and it made my knees weak that she would never do so.
I slowed to a stop at last. My body quivering as I kneel on the ground and placed my hands on soft earth grass.
I gasped for air while I sobbed. Never had I cried so much in my life. There was no one to make me calm down. No arms to trap me in their love. No words to reassure that she would never leave me.
I had nothing.
My whole being felt so tired that I lied on the ground and looked at the dark sky. Half of me stared at the moon, its glowing brightness reminding me of someone, and the other half waited for something to happen.
There was so much I still wanted to say to her. I haven't told her all my secrets yet, when I promised her that I would sometime. There was no sometime anymore.
All the hopes and dreams I had with her slowly faded while the wind blew softly. How I wish I was there to hear her last breath of air. The last person that would hold her tight and feel her warmth. The final image that would stay in her eyes before they finally closed would be my face.
But it wasn't. For the first time in my life I felt so useless.
I closed my eyes in defeat, my arms holding only myself together so I wouldn't fall apart, as the whole weight of despair slowly fell on me that I would truly live my life now without my other half.