"Breathe"
From the moment Helena steps out of the hospital with her mother and older brother, I have been watching and following her like a stalker. It was on the night we rushed Nelle to the hospital after falling unconscious that her mom decided to finally take Hellie out of the box where we filled her brains with lies and excuses. It is time for Hellie to learn the truth about her father...and about the two little angels waiting for her to come home---to really come home.
I start the engine of our Porsche cayenne and track the road they travel riding Tom's hummer to the cemetery where we buried the remains of her father back in 2004. We're at the verge of throwing all our cards now just to get my wife back to present...hopefully.
I stay inside the car, contemplating whether I should be with them as they reveal her the truth about her father...taking my time to think, I stayed and plan my next move after this... We can't just tell her everything at once, I don't think she'll be able to process too much information that fast. There has to be a way that we can tell her the truth while being able to protect her from too much pain.
It has been almost ten minutes since they stepped out of the hummer and walk towards Hellie's grandparents grave. From the window of the car, I can see her back as her mom pulls her to another grave. The grave where both her father and our first baby lies in...
I finally take courage to step out of the car and as a cold wind of air hits my face, I'm greeted by screams of torment, eerier than the cold breeze of air whistling all around the graves in this old cemetery...
Not too far from where I stand, I can hear loud cries from Helena who kneels in front of her father's grave. I feel like my feet grew roots, digging and holding into the depth of the dark and corpse-sufficient soil of this cemetery, making it impossible for me to move as I watch her kneeling with her upper body almost lying on the grave of her father while embracing the plate of marmol where her dad's name is engraved on. I witness until she remains screaming with no sound as she lost her voice because of too much grief... Then she suddenly stands up, not minding the soil, grass and dirt sticking into her dress and she starts to run away from her mom.
She runs as fast as her weak legs can let her while holding her temples beneath her palms...she runs until she gets her voice back and she continues screaming...crying her heart out...
Knowing that she's weak, and broken, and crushed into God knows how many pieces, my feet finally take a step forward towards her, catching her as she bumps into my chest, sobbing loudly.
"Helena..." I hear myself calling her name...
"G-Get me out of here..." She says not even looking at me, not even daring to open her eyes. She just keeps on pleading for me to take her away but I can't get myself to hold her, afraid that when I do, I'd only hurt and crush her more; worse than how crushed she already is...afraid of myself that once she opens her eyes and look at me, I might tell her truths that she's not yet prepared to hear.
I feel my heart rumming against my chest just looking at her in so much grief... God, my wife doesn't deserve to be in all this shit. She's never done anything wrong to the world, it was and STILL IS my fault... Seeing her suffer like this because of me is too much of a punishment. If there's anyone in the world who should be dealing with this kind of punishment, it should be me! Not my wife...not our children.
I feel her eyes burning mine with so much sadness as she finally looks up. Then in mere seconds she's pushing me away from her.
"Hellie..." She stares at me confused and in pain, then she begins shaking her head as she cups her temples again.
"N-no..." She whispers to herself at first before she screams and runs again; away from me.
Dying everytime I see her back like this, I finally grab her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere and locking her inside my arms as my tears begin falling.
"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry Hel..." I feel her weak body against mine as I lock her in my arms. I can feel her chest heaving against my rib cage as she cries out loud and beg me to take her away...
Then suddenly it dawns on me that she's shaking terribly.
"T-take...me...aw-w-ay..." She says in a hoarse voice. Then her weight lies on me as she throws her head back, her eyes were unfocused; dilated, until they roll backwards, leaving all the white of her eyeballs visible through the slit of her beautiful eyes.
"Helena!!! Oh God!!! No!!!" I panic as her body vibrates harder against my embrace.
She's having a seizure!
Her strength as she begins pushing and kicking whilst trembling frightened and as we fall down to the ground, I hold her head, protecting it from getting any more injury and embrace her tighter in my arms.
"Hellie!!! Oh God!!! Baby!!!" I scream as I try holding her tightly as she gets consumed by her seizures.
Thomas and her mom immediately runs towards us. Lifting her up, I scream at Tom to help me control her body that is getting more tensed every second and lift her to the car.
Helena didn't stop trembling, and when she did, my eyes grow wide realizing her head has fallen down from my lap. Tom is driving fast to the hospital now.
"Helena!!! Helena, answer me!!!" I tap her cheeks a couple of times before I lean down to feel her heartbeats against my ear.
"Hellie!!!" I kneel on the floor of the car, in front of her as I press my thumb and index finger against the sides of her nose and open her mouth to give her a mouth to mouth resuscitation.
"Breathe baby!!!" I begin pumping on her chest before blowing some air on her mouth again. She isn't breathing! Her heart stopped beating!!!
And I feel as if I am dying with her.
"Breathe!!!" My hands that are clasped together pump on her chest harder until the car stops in front of the emergency.
"Breathe Hellie!!! Please!!!" She remains unconcsious, her muscles still tensed like she literally froze...to death.
Nurses where quick to pull her from the car and immediately put an oxygen mask on her face as they lay her flat on the stretcher and hastily push her towards the emergency room.
We are waiting for what seems like the longest hours in my life outside the emergency room where all the best doctors known in London are trying to revive my wife. Trying to make her heart beat again for the fourth time...
~~~
We waited for hours...that turns into a day for Helena to open her eyes again...
I am right beside her bed, holding her hand tightly, making sure the warmth in it doesn't fades away. I am looking at her face, making sure that I won't miss the moment once she opens her eyes again. I am pressing my lips on the back of her palm, hoping that through a kiss, she'll be saved from this life-threatening curse.
"Hellie...! Oh... Hellie!!!" I rise from the chair and touch her face from the moment she finally opens her eyes. I am looking at her eyes with a hopeful smile on my lips as she stares at the ceiling.
"Hellie...!" I cry and I give in to my emotions as I embrace her, lifting her a bit from the bed as my arms wrap around her back and small waist...
I embrace her tighter as I prepare myself to hear her cries again...
But she never did. Not a single cry, not a drop of tear...
I let go from embracing her and look at her face again to ask how she's feeling, only to frown...as I look closer and notice how dilated her eyes are. How lifeless they still are.
"Hellie..." I call her name and she didn't even blink or move.
"He-Helena..." I am shaking her arms now, trying to get any reaction. Her mother has now risen from the sofa beside the window and runs towards us immediately.
"Hellie, it's mom..." She looks at her daughter, her eyes opening wide when she didn't get any reaction as well. She briefly looks at me, thinking the same---She's awake! I know my wife is awake!
"N-no... No, Hellie!!!" Her mother shakes her, harder as she panics and thus begins crying.
"Come on, child!!! Say something!!!" She shakes her again, harder and harder until we both freeze.
Helena's eyes are staring at nowhere, her eyes aren't even blinking. The only movement coming from her is the shallow breath she takes as she inhales and exhales air trough and out of her lungs.
"No!!! Don't do this, Hellie!!!" Her mom cries louder as she embraces her tightly. Lifting her daughter in her arms, she tries shaking Helena back to her senses again only to receive nothing but a blank stare.
"No!!!" Her mother screams as she hides herself on the crook of Helena's neck.
I feel my own brains shut down realizing what is happening...
My tears, once again fall like a heavy rain as I stare at my lifeless, yet breathing wife on top of this goddamn hospital bed...
This...although I may not be sure, is what happened to her mother when she was five...
This...is what's happening to my children's mother now that they're six. How cruel could the world exactly be?! To keep on throwing the same old shit to the same people...to good people like my wife?!
How cruel fate could be to let this happen to someone who is a perfect wife and mother?!
Why is heaven leaving my wife on Earth breathing...only for the sake of breathing...?!
(A/N: I regret to announce that Helena has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... Her condition is worse because her brain hast shut down and she'll remain in this condition for God knows how long... I'm sorry, I know that this has all been too much for you. Helena has been through so much in this book, but we can't really avoid conditions like this given how much trauma she's really experience, before, during and after the accident.
I hope you just hold on and wait to see if Helena can still recover from this...
Bear with me on witnessing what Johnny will do to his wife and children now...
Is it time for him to give up? Let me hear your thoughts!)