A chilling breeze captured my face and coaxed me awake. My brow creased in frustration but I was still compelled by curiosity to completely awaken. Normally, while moonlight still cloaked my room in balmy light I wouldn't have been so quick to want out of bed but the only way to stop myself from freezing to death was to close the damn window.
Were you born in a barn, Evans?
I begrudgingly blinked myself into alertness and then, brushing the sleep from my eyes, propped myself up so I was able to glare at the insolent window in question. How dare it gape back at me so?
It didn't dare, you closed it.
I remembered that as the sun had set I had wrestled the window pane down, the proof of my struggle in the vague aching in my arms. Moreover, upon further contemplation I recalled drawing the curtains to eclipse the blood red sky that had begun in rendering day to night.
Did you forget to lock it, foolish girl?
I licked my lips. I didn't remember locking the window. Was I really so careless after being so vulnerable to the clutches of Devon?
My eyes followed the steady breath of the breeze in the curtains. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
Perhaps someone was here.
Tensed, I inspected my room, trying to make sense of the situation. It had occurred to me that Mum may have barged in and opened it to spite me, though I really did question if she could be that cruel. I snorted in answer to my own question but didn't let it bring my guard down.
Finding no evidence of a trespasser I sighed, glancing at the window. In fairness, I had a vivid enough imagination to concoct some image of me shutting the window. After all, I had not been taken, nothing appeared to have been stolen and there was an undisturbed stillness that would have given away anyone who might have been hiding nearby.
Somewhat appeased, I shimmed myself onto the edge of the bed, chucking my covers to the side as I did so. Sometimes I would have liked my common sense to have at least attempted to report for duty but alas, on this occasion, it had me left high and dry and stupidly cold to boot.
Finally, once my face had been nipped enough by the chill, I got up and shuffled over to the open window. I leant my elbows on the sill and gazed out at the starlit sky. For a summer night it was cool but the skies were clear and bright with starlit. I couldn't name any of the constellations by sight but could have recited a few by name alone.
Fractured memories my childhood came together to reply scenes of my eight year old self sitting in secret outside of Jackson's bedroom door as Ross told tales of far of galaxies. Though it was my wicked step father conjuring the tales of Orion and Cassiopeia, how I had longed to have joined them. Pride and stubbornness had robbed me of many things and Ross' fantastical bedtime stories was one of them.
"I'd better go to bed," I said to the stars. They twinkled as if pleading me to stay until they themselves retired to allow the sun rise to rise. I turned my face guiltily away to look down on the fire exit outside my window. The paint on the rails, like all the wallpaper in my flat, was peeling. I tutted and gave one final look at the night stars. "At least I can't fault the view." I smiled weakly and silenced my own laughter, I was officially going mad.
I stretched up and grabbed the window pane. With a great mustering of strength I managed to pull the window shut. Surely, I would have heard the grunts of a struggler trying to force it open in the first place.
"You're a danger to yourself, Evans," I muttered.
Suddenly a clatter came from behind me. I froze.
Perhaps I hadn't opened the window after all.
Very slowly I turned to meet my unannounced guest. My hand hovered over an empty vase on the corner of the window sill, my breathing tripping over itself in panic. No one but those who had been in my room knew about the window and the fire escape meaning this shadow in the darkness was either someone I knew or someone who had done their homework.
Two tired looking eyes greeted me from the gloom. My heartbeat ricocheted against my chest. I dropped the vase I'd hastily picked up. It clattered to the floor cracking down one side.
"Tom, what the hell are you doing here?" I gasped.
I ran to him, panic forgotten, and threw my arms around him.
"I've been so worried about you," I mumbled holding him tightly enough I couldn't question his realness. It was maybe selfish to impress my concern upon him, after all he could be justified in wondering where that concern was when I ended things with him. But all I could think about was how relieved I was in being able to hold him again.
His arms gingerly enveloped me and although I could taste his reluctance I could not ask for more, it was not my right.
"I'm sorry." He sighed while debating whether or not it was safe to pull me closer. I drank him in, his smell and touch rousing near to exiled memories. I clenched the fist that had hold of his shirt as emotions and thoughts that had lain dead inside of me crept to the surface. I cared for this man, regardless of whether that was romantically or not and from him I could not hide such truth.
"Where did you go Tom? Why did you leave?" He must have known how I'd missed him, surely he knew how much he meant to me. Tom waited for a second, taking it to savour the moment rather than withdraw from it and I would cherish that, regardless of the outcome of whatever this visit was.
"I shouldn't have left you like I did but I've had things I've needed to deal with and you didn't need me any more," Tom replied. I stepped away at that, hearing the accusation and baring the hurt that it inflicted; though knowing it was probably nothing to the hurt that had kept Tom away.
"I know you've had a sick relative and I understand and maybe it's selfish but just because I had Kieran didn't mean I needed you any less Tom. You hold a place in my heart that Kieran doesn't. I need you too," I confessed. Though I wanted to get upset I couldn't alert anyone else to the fact I had a man in my room and such a time of night. I watched Tom carefully from where I stood, marking what had changed.
In the darkness I could still see how rough he looked. Stubble lined his jaw and upper lip. His shirt was creased and probably hadn't been changed in a good week or so judging by the stains. As for his eyes, they were exhausted, filled with remorse and sadness. I wondered if he'd been with a sick friend at all, from the looks of him he'd been living it rough and drinking. His usually comforting smell was clouded by the fragrance of stale alcohol. How could I be mad at such a sorry sight, a condition I had more than played my hand in creating.
"I can't offer you anything more than he can. You made that clear in your message."I could feel myself paling. That stupid message.
I'd regretted leaving him that message but I couldn't leave him hanging while I fell deeper in love with Kieran because it just wasn't fair. It would have been healthier for the both of us if I had done it face to face as I'd originally planned. I should have waited but it was more difficult than that. Tom wasn't replying to my messages and phone calls and I couldn't leave Kieran waiting. So eventually I left him the message to say we were over. I didn't love him like I'd convinced myself I had. I loved Tom as a friend and nothing more.
"I never implied that Tom. I said that I couldn't keep lying to myself because it was hurting you and I never wanted that. I love Kieran but he can't offer me your friendship because he's not you." Tom just stared at me, like I had said something inconceivably stupid. I couldn't help but looking away.
"What is friendship? Next to love it's worthless," Tom suddenly spat back. His face was screwed up in angst. He was letting the words spill out like they were acidic, poisonous.I saw tears welling in his eyes.
Please don't cry.
He paused to collect himself though I knew he had more to say and so I remained helpless in wanting to calm him.
"The bottom line was that I wasn't and never will be good enough for you. I gave you all the love I had to offer and yet there is something Kieran has that I don't."
Yes, Kieran was Indigo and it was something I prayed Tom would never, ever have to comprehend.
"I knew the second you laid eyes on him I wouldn't stand a chance with you and I was right. As soon as he stepped on the scene everything I'd done and worked for to get you didn't matter. For a split second, I'll admit it, I thought you were mine. You'd finally succumbed to me. I guess I didn't cling onto you tightly enough."
"Then when I turned up at the hospital, the last time I saw you I was hoping to promise you that I'd be there for you, your protector but he was there, Kieran. I would have fought him right there and then but I knew better than to hurt him. Beating him up wasn't going to earn your love or respect no matter what I tried. I didn't need your message to know we were over. I saw in your eyes that the love was lost. I didn't need to see him to know he was around. You're too easy to read Christine. As soon as I looked at you that day I knew any feelings you'd had for me romantically had gone."
Tom hid his face in his hand, wiping away his tears and frustration. He breathed in deeply and composed himself.
"So I left to go nurse my friend but they died this morning and I've just come to see you before getting on a plane and going to New York. I think it would be easier for both of us that way."
It was as if a stone fell in the pit of my stomach. New York? New York was thousands of miles away; a long and expensive plane journey between us. I knew it had been a deliberate destination – one I couldn't reach.
"You can't leave me Tom. I know this all didn't turn out as you may have hoped but I can't change how I feel. New York is far away and I need you. I don't want to lose you again." I went up and gripped Tom tightly, not wanting to face the reality of losing him. To my great surprise Tom chuckled darkly and pushed me back again. I stumbled, falling against my door with a bang. I held my breath, waiting for the sounds of life beyond my room.
"See Chris that's one of the things about you; so selfish aren't we? I mean it's not one of your biggest faults, to be fair, but still it's there for every one to see." He licked his lips with the slipperiness of a serpent.
"Excuse me?" I questioned, unsure as to whether to be angry of concerned. One minute Tom was mourning over lost love and the next thing he was pointing out all of my weakness with vicious spite.
"You can't have both of us. There's only room enough for either Kieran or me and yet you're begging for us both. It's not just Kieran and I though. I mean you have three parents who love you, one of which you detest, right in front of you and yet you convince yourself you're a child of neglect. Do you not suppose your mother picked Ross out because he would be good for you?" I couldn't understand Tom. I just couldn't process what he was saying. I'd seen him like this on rare occasions but when he aimed to hurt me he never failed in striking true.
"No it's not like that," I replied weakly. My arms made a barrier between him and me. I felt violated and insecure in my own room and that wasn't OK.
"No, no of course not. Christine Evans the untouchable, the pure," he maimed. Tom was sickeningly like Sophia in that moment. She'd had a similar thing to say to me once before and I had assaulted her because of it.
Tom's snarl wavered and I wondered if his venomous was to be concluded or if I was being simply optimistic. I didn't have anything to say, as guilty as I was upset.
Suddenly Tom's face fell.
"I didn't mean that, honestly. I-I just have a lot on my mind." He began placing my floor, searching perhaps for where he had misplaced his sanity in the last few minutes. What had I done to him? I reached out a hand to stop him, to reassure him that I was there. But then I stopped myself, knowing it was wrong to go to him and act as though I was OK. This was my fault, but not entirely.
"Tom, when we got together I made it clear that I wasn't completely certain of my choice. I thought that we could make it work. I wouldn't have put you through it all if I hadn't thought we'd stood a chance." I bit my lip, remembering that optimism for what could have been as I had thrown myself at him from the steps of my morning bus. I had been hopeful and that wasn't a lie.
"In the beginning I was sure it would work but I couldn't deny I did have feelings for Kieran and I accept responsibility for not realising that sooner." I balled my hands up, squeezing the cuffs of my pyjamas.
"That day in the hospital I wished you'd stayed but I couldn't handle the tension, I had only just been rescued from being held captive in a cave for days. Did you expect me to be radiantly cheerful, to be able to handle you and Kieran who frankly behaved like children?" Tom eyed me then, abruptly pausing in his pacing. I had his full attention and the sight of it made me confident in what I had to say and that he would listen.
"I did not ask to have these feelings for Kieran, I did not ask that I didn't have them for you and if I could turn back the clock and fix things I would. But I can't Tom, I just can't." I shrugged, so desperately holding back the tears I wanted to cry but knew I couldn't; it wasn't fair.
"Kieran loves me Tom and I think I may love him and that I can't apologise for." I saw the moment Tom's heart began breaking and I wanted to stop but I wasn't sure I could. That alone made my first and only tear fall and it was enough. "But Tom, there's still room in my life for you if you'll take it. I'm offering you my friendship Tom but that's all I can give you." I breathed and straightened up, getting myself together and holding his undivided attention in my grasp.
"But I've had enough of this, the split personality. One minute you're the Tom I know and then next someone completely different, some one frightening." I swallowed as he recoiled. "I'm sorry, more than you know, that I can't feel what you want me to feel but I've made my decision and so now you make yours."
I waited, casting my eyes to the moonlit floor below. I'm not sure what kind of answer I expected or hoped for. All I wanted was to have something of closure on this situation that I was certain had been driving Tom just as crazy as it had been driving me.
We were two people who cared for each other and knowing we were robbing one another of happiness had driven us to this one, crucial moment.
Two warm, gentle hands placed themselves in my own.
"I guess I'll have to live with the fact that you'll never be mine but if friendship is what you're offering then I'll take it." I pulled him closer so he could stand next to me and not apart as though there was something insurmountable between us. I rubbed my thumbs across the backs of his knuckles and sighed.
"I'm sorry if I'm being unfair," I said, knowing full damn well that I was.
"No Christine, I'm the one who has been and will continue you to be unfair." I questioned him, not quite understanding his meaning. Tom did not waver as his desperate, brown eyes engaged my own.
"Callie has secured herself a place on a renowned directing course in New York and I've decided to go with her. Edinburgh isn't offering me enough for my future and I need to think about the rest of my life now. I'm thinking about law but I can afford to change my mind. My mum and dad have found us a nice apartment and so there is really nothing left to stop me from going." Tom was looking at our hands, still interlocked. I couldn't tell him that I wished he was wrong, that I was enough to stop him from going. I had been selfish enough in asking of his friendship and I would do no more.
"How long will you be gone for?"
"Six months, maybe longer. I promised my mum I'd be home for Christmas but even then only for a few days." I gripped his hands suggestively without thinking.
Don't do it Evans, don't stop him from doing what he needs to, to run from you.
"I'll call and text as often as I can. I'll even send you letters if you like."
He would send me letters? The romantic in me couldn't help but smile and that only angered me. Tom and I could be friends but nothing more - I knew that - and so maybe the inclination of something within me that questioned if I could have more was the very reason I had to tell Tom to go.
Tom tucked my hair behind my ear and his arms pulled me to him, letting my spinning head come to rest of his chest.
"Look I'll come back and visit, my father has an abundance of air miles and the summer course I'm going to take isn't compulsory." I could hear the steady thrum of his heartbeat; it was almost melodic, threatening to send me to sleep. "I can't promise you everything Chris but I can promise you I'll never be far away if you need me." I pulled my head back and drank in all that was my truest friend. How could I ever doubt him.
My tired eyes fell to his chest and properly drank in his shirt.
"Well Tom, as your best friend I can't very well send you to New York looking like that," I muttered, quirking a brow. Tom smelt worse than a brewery and looked as though he'd just stumbled out of one. "Stay here." I crept out of the room and to the kitchen where Mum had left some of Ross's shirts drying. I picked up the one that felt the least wet and took it back through to my bedroom, tip toeing all the way.
Tom stood waiting in the middle of my room. I'd seen him inside my room so many times he was like a piece of the furniture, not out of place in the slightest.
"Here try this on," I said, passing him one or Ross's work shirts. I turned away so as to give him a little privacy; not that I hadn't seen it all before.
"Is Ross not going to kill you? This looks like a decent shirt Chris."
"Nah Ross isn't like that. My mum on the other hand..," I trailed off not wanting to exercise my foul mouth in front of Tom. But Tom just laughed, filling in all the blanks as usual. Wanting to see him smile I wondered if it was safe to turn round yet. I inhaled deeply and span slowly round.
"Having problems again?" Tom asked, looking like his old self in the crisp shirt. All he needed now was a good shave.
"Problems?"
"You know, with your mum..." If there was one thing Tom knew better than most, it was the never ending saga between my mother and I.
"Yeah she's playing her 'my life would be better without you' card. I suppose I've been a little difficult lately but she...ugh...I don't know. I just don't need her on my case, you know?" I grumbled, blowing a lady like raspberry to further my point.
"That great huh?" Tom welcomed himself to a seat on my bed and patted the duvet next to him. Glad of an excuse to sit, I went and joined him. His arm snaked around my shoulders and he gave me a small squeeze. "I know your mum can be a bit of a drag but really, she can't be all that bad." I inclined my head towards him. Sarcasm wasn't an easy thing to swallow at ten to three in the morning.
"She just doesn't know how it feels, Tom. Every single day I'm reminded how I'm not supposed to exist. Sometimes I wish I didn't." I dropped my head into my hands and grunted. Tom's hand stroked my back. He had been witness to the drama of the Evans' household for as long as I could remember but that didn't mean Tom could understand. Tom's parents, Carol and Lucas were the best parents a person could ever hope for.
"Have you tried talking to her about how you feel."
"That's all I seem to talk to her about these days," I confessed, peering at Tom sideways.
"I really mean really talking Christine, not shouting, whining or screaming," he said. I nudged him playfully and didn't bother moving from his side. I gripped the arm he'd now dropped to his side and sighed.
"I know, I know but sometimes...ugh...I just...I want to love her and I think deep down I do but it's hard. She keeps pushing me away and I guess now I've just learnt to surround myself in a bubble she can't hurt me in. What can I do to make her love me for who I am?" I asked clenching the creases of the arm of Ross' shirt.
It didn't surprise me that he avoided answering my question. It was something I knew only my mum could answer.
A silence made itself a welcomed guest, joining our party of two for a while. I sat comfortably by Tom's side though I wondered if that was half the problem. Tom had maybe been right. I wasn't exactly giving off the right signals by sitting so closely to him but he was so warm and welcoming I couldn't help myself. Something within in me was willing him to pull away, to tell me off for being so unfair but he didn't. Tom remained ever steadfast and silent just as before.
"I have to go. I've already left my number on your dresser so you know how to reach me if you need to," Tom said into the darkness. My eyes had fallen closed and I was only half awake. My balled fists only clenched him tighter as a sign that I didn't want him to go. "No Chris, let me go," Tom said stubbornly, taking my hands from his shirt. I was too tired to struggle and so Tom swung me up into his arms, pulled back my covers and tucked me up into bed. I felt his soft, warm lips on my head and the tickle of his whisper.
"My heart is always with you."
Through the slits in my eyes I saw Tom reopen the window.
He hesitated.
I hesitated.
But neither of us said a words.
Looking over me one last time, Tom betrayed a sorrowful gaze that willed me to beg him to stay. However, we both knew I couldn't do that and that was conclusion enough.
And so Tom disappeared into the starlit night and we parted as nothing more than just friends.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
For you guys, with all my love.
Bekah x