Based off the sing 9 crimes by Damien rice because it's beautiful.
Word count: 2074
Trigger warnings: suicide talk and thoughts, cheating.
Summary: Dan finds Phil is cheating. Sadness ensues.
Dans p.o.v.
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
I knew what was happening. He was over me. Of course he was. I saw it coming before we even started dating. I just didn't know that he would do this to me at a time like this.
He was cheating on me.
I saw it, even though I already knew what was happening, so it wasn't that big of a surprise. Apparently I wasn't supposed to be there though, like walking through my own house is against his expectations. He was sitting there with no other than cat. Not only was he cheating on me, but it was with someone I considered a friend.
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
And to make this shit pile even deeper, one of my ex's, that was actually still one of my close friends, just died in a car crash. I mean I know I haven't been that interesting these past couple of weeks, but what did he expect? Someone close to me suddenly died! Was me not having sex with him for two weeks seriously enough for him to go cheat on me; to throw away 6 years of love? Just because of two weeks?
To be honest I couldn't blame him. He was never one to just settle down and I knew it, especially not with someone like me. I always wondered why he said he loved me. Was it real? I guess not.
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded.
So all that brings me here. Sitting here, completely drained. I know other people have bigger fucking problems but all that shit doesn't effect me. All their problems don't matter to me, because I don't fucking have anyone left in my life. How could someone say that's not something to be upset over? I don't know. All I know is that I hate phil, and cat, but most of all, myself.
I think nothing as I hold my face in my hands, the cool metal of the gun pressed gently against my cheek. Odd how the first time I've felt content in almost a month is when I'm sitting here with a fucking gun pressed to my face. Fucked up, just like me.
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
I expected you to come in and save me, or at least try. I knew you were home, and you knew I was upset. Or did you? You seemed pretty busy the last time I saw you. I can't wait to forget.
I almost did it, I swear I did. But the weirdest thing happened, and I thought about my brother, for some reason. I thought off my mother, and father. I knew they already thought I was a disappointment, but image being the parents of a complete failure. They already have enough to deal with. I wouldn't want to cause them anymore trouble.
I know! I could run out, get hit by a car, and make it look like an accident. Then I wouldn't be a complete failure, just a disappointment. I could live with that; metaphorically.
I put the gun back on the box under my bed and carefully opened my door. I wouldn't want Phil to actually care, but I don't think he ever would. I walk carefully past the lounge where Phil was and down the stairs, leading out of our flat.
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you.
I knew it was pointless, but I kept thinking if I just went back, I could forgive you and we could live happily together. I knew I could never trust you again, but for some reason I thought I could make an exception. I didn't want to face the truth. That you didn't love me, and I still loved you. Like, fuck, that sounds so pathetic. I didn't want to feel that way anymore, but I didn't want to die yet either.
Alcohol.
The one word raced through my head. It could help, but only temporarily. Maybe I could do something stupid while I was drunk and get killed. Hopefully, anyway.
I made my way down to the local pub and ordered a few drinks. I couldn't help but feel pathetic as I realized what I was doing. But I was far too gone to stop.
Phil's p.o.v.
Leave me out with the waste.
This is not what I do.
I knew exactly what I did to Dan but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to comfort him. Probably because part of me knew he would hate me forever. There really was no point. I sent cat away as soon as he found out though, just to show that I didn't actually want anything to do with her. I'll admit, I had done this a couple times before; bringing girls over and doing stuff. But must of the time Dan was away.
I don't know what was going through my head. Actually, I do. For some reason, I thought Dan was cheating on me, and by cheating on him I was getting revenge. Instead of actually asking him about it, I just assumed. And then it became a habit. After Charlie died (Dan's ex), I thought Dan was drifting away and trying to shut me out. That only increased my need fire human interaction. I was so used to it with Dan around, but it felt like he was gone. I needed someone else.
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you.
Here's the thing about Dan: he's very emotionally unstable. I knew this, but for some reason my smart ass self thought it was a good idea to toy with his emotions. I should've been straight with him and told him what I was feeling and maybe he would've opened up a bit, but all I did was completely shut him out. I probably look like such a dick head.
Charlie was once the love of his life, so it was obviously hard when he died. I completely understood, yet I questioned why he was being distant. Surely cheating wasn't such a good idea, as now Dan wants nothing to do with me.
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
I thought maybe after Dan left my life, because I thought he was going to, I could stay with cat or some other girl. I didn't necessarily want another boyfriend right after Dan, and I didn't want to stay here. Even as I tried to justify myself, I realized more and more that I had really fucked up. And I wanted nothing more than to go back and smack myself in the face for ever considering the idea.
I felt miserable, and I know I had no place to. I had no reason to be upset because this was all my fault, and I knew it. I was never one ti admit ti my own mistakes.
"Dan?" I called out as I walked to his bedroom. I knew he was upset but I had to try and explain, even if there was no reason.
There was no answer and I became suspicious. I knocked but still no answer. I knocked again with the same result. Curiosity getting the best of me, I slowly creeked open the door to find no one sitting in the room. The bed sheets were slightly ruffled toward the edge of the bed toward the ground, so I walked over to see what was there. I lifted up the sheets to find a black box. I lifted it slowly and opened the lid to find a gun placed in it, and nothing else.
The sudden idea of Dan trying to shoot himself with it entered my head. What else could he use it for? I mean, he could shoot me, I deserve it. But I know he could never hurt a fly. Besides himself. He was never a big fan of himself or his life in general. Maybe i pushed him over the edge, made him think he had no one left.
I have to find him.
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded.
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
I called him about a billion times, to no avail. He was either ignoring me, or he didn't have his phone, or he was...
He probably just didn't have his phone.
I thought about all the places we went when we were together that he could possibly go back to. It probably wouldn't be far unless he was trying to run away.
I walked about 3 blocks, looking all around me trying to spot a familiar face, but nothing. I saw a drunk couple lazily making their way down the pavement, and the idea of Dan at a bar popped into my head. It would make sense. He drinks when he tries to forget things.
I rushed down a couple more blocks until I came up to the local pub we've been to a couple times before. I walked inside and immediately tried searching for him. To my luck, sat there talking to another guy was Dan. My Dan taking to a complete stranger. What did he think he was doing? He wad mine, and no one else's. Suddenly I became angry. I stormed over to them and pulled Dan up by the arm.
"We're going home," I mumbled add I dragged him through the doors.
"I'm not going anywhere with you. Especially not that place, whatever you want to call it," he said as he pulled away suddenly. We stopped in the middle of the pavement staring at eachother heatedly and breathing heavily.
"Dan don't be like that," I tried to persuade, "please."
"Why shouldn't I be? You were the sane way, if not worse! I fucking hate you! I want you out of my life and I wish we never even met or spoke!" He screamed at me. "Why would you do this to me?" He started crying. Like this was his first time actually facing that fact that this happened. That this was all my fault.
I felt helpless as I stared at the love of life breaking down, but I couldn't even do anything to help. Because I was the reason it was happening.
"Dan listen to me, please. Afterward you can leave, but I want to try to explain why I did what I did, even though now it all seems pointless." He stood but didn't make eye contact. "I thought you were leaving me. I thought you were tired of me and I was terrified I would have no one, so I left our relationship behind because I thought you did, and started looking for someone else. I didn't want another boyfriend after you, so I was looking at girls. That's it. That's the whole reason, and it just got out of hand. And I don't expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know that it wasn't your fault. It was my own stupidity and I'm sorry." I turned to leave but I felt a hand wrap around my own.
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
I turned and looked up to see Dan's eyes filed with tears. "I don't want to lose you. I love you so much. Please don't leave me."
"I don't deserve you Dan. Go be happy with someone who will respect you and treat you with love."
"No please Phil. Please. It's okay I forgive you. Can wet please just go home? I want to go home," He whispered out. I could tell he was a bit drunk, so I decided to help him home safely.
"Let's go." I held out my hand to him. He smiled at me and took my hand. As we were walking, he stopped suddenly and pulled my face to his, kissing me right on the lips. I could smell a bit of alcohol, but hardly any. "I love you Phil," he said as he pulled away. He looked at me seriously.
Is that alright?
No...
"But you shouldn't."