We're pulled over on the side of the road down the street from my house. I asked Charlie to pull over so I can figure out what to do, but my mind is focusing on everything but that. I can't see my house so I don't know if Jeremiah's car is still parked on the street.
I want to know if his car is still there.
I haven't seen Archer's car drive past in the 10 minutes we've been sitting here. My phone has been vibrating almost nonstop for the last 40 minutes, although I don't know if its repeated phone calls or text messages that are draining my battery. Charlie interrupts my intense staring with a question, asking if I was planning on getting out of the car any time soon.
"I wasn't planning on it," I murmur as I close my eyes and lean my head back on the headrest.
"Can I ask what's going on?" He asks
"You can ask all you want, but that doesn't mean I'm going to answer."
I hear a noise that I'm not sure is a laugh or a scoff. I crack open my eyes to see Charlie shaking his head.
"So I know you think I deserve this attitude, but considering I just rescued you from whatever the hell is going on shouldn't we try being a little more cordial?"
"You're right," I sigh as I close my eyes again. "How are you Charlie? What have you been up to?"
I picture the corners of his lips turning up because I can't summon the strength to look over at him. I'm surprised Charlie didn't recognize the sarcasm in my voice when I asked him those questions, because he prattles on for a while, telling me about all of the things he's been doing in the past week. Although I try desperately to pay attention my mind keeps wandering to what just happened.
He fucked her last night.
He said he broke up with her, and he fucked her.
But I guess he did break up with her. Sex and relationships aren't mutually exclusive. But why am I taking her word for it? He said he didn't do it. I should trust him, and believe what he says. But....
The suddenly jingle of bells grabs my attention as I blink my eyes slowly and try to refocus on what Charlie is saying. "—Oh sorry I have to get this. It's my mom."
I pull in a shallow breath as I watch Charlie raise the phone to his ear and start speaking. My mind drifts again, finding its way back to my situation. I'm trying to sort through all of the emotions that are running rampant through my mind, but the two recurring ones are hurt and anger.
I can't believe that he did this to me.
Was his whole sob story last night just bullshit? How could he tell me that he wanted to be with me one second and then he's fucking her the next?
I can't stop my hand from coming up to cover my mouth, my eyes widening as another realization dawns on me. He fucked her last night and then kissed me this morning. The hands he was using to stroke her body are the same ones that were gripping mine all day. What if he didn't even have time to take a shower? My stomach turns as my mind imagines in graphic details all of the things they probably did together, knowing first hand the feelings she was probably experiencing. I clench my eyes closed to try and stop the images but they only stream faster.
Him stroking her hair.
Kissing her neck.
Thrusting into her.
Whispering he loves her.
Stop Kaiydeen! You don't know if he even did any of that stuff! Give him the benefit of the doubt, would you? Just as my lower lip starts to tremble with the effort to hold back unshed tears a hand touches my leg.
"Kaiydeen?" My blurry eyes lock on Charlie, refusing to blink so the tears don't spill out. "I have to go run some last minute errands for my mom. Did you want me to drop you off or...?"
I stare at him for a minute, trying to work through my options. "Do you mind if I go with you? I don't want to be at home right now."
He nods with a sympathetic smile as his hand continues to rest on my leg. I don't say anything as the car starts to move forward, passing down the street with an increasing speed. As we pass my house I turn to look away, trying to pay attention to whatever Charlie is rambling on about, but that doesn't stop me from seeing the black Chevy Impala parked on the street.
●●●
"You don't have to carry that Kaiydeen. Someone else will come out and grab it in a bit."
I roll my eyes as I heft the brown paper bag into my hands. "These are perishables Charlie. You can't just leave them in the car until someone else eventually gets them; they'll go bad."
I fill my hands with another bag as a way to distract myself from the shock of the place I'm standing in. I'm currently in the middle of a detached 5-car garage that is full to capacity with an assortment of luxury vehicles. I try to peek my wide eyes over the tops of the bags as I follow Charlie out one of the side doors and down a foot path that leads to the main house. I look around quickly, taking in the ornate landscaping that showcases the wealth of the family that lives here, and the elaborate Christmas decorations that have yet to be taken down.
"So you live here, huh?" I ask meekly, now happy that I didn't actually point out which house was mine.
"Yeah," Charile grunts as he struggles to balance the 3 bags he is carrying while also opening the back door. "I'm still getting my stuff unpacked though."
I wait patiently as Charlie finally turns the handle and walks in. My eyes grow as wide as saucers while I try to take in the intricately patterned marble flooring under my feet and the taupe colored walls that are trimmed with gold moldings.
My eyes try to focus on the tiny gold pictures carved into the ceiling, but I nearly trip over my own two feet in the process so I instead focus on things at eye-level. Marble columns with oversized green, red and gold bows support the walls on either side of the hallway as we walk toward the kitchen. As I study them closer, I notice slivers of gold that seem as if they were injected into the very material that supports the house. Holiday floral arrangements rest on every available surface, reminding me that the holiday season is not yet over.
I quietly follow Charlie into an open space that is almost the size of the entire front half of my house, but is suspiciously absent of all Christmas decorations. I look around to see Statuario marble counter tops lining the entire perimeter of the room, broken up only by the 6 burner, industrial-size stove and a stainless steel refrigerator to match; so I can only assume this is the kitchen. I place the bags on an island the size of Manhattan that rests in the center of the space, tracing my fingers over the delicate veining running through the marble.
I try not to ogle as I silently take in the room, grateful for the fact the Charlie is paying me no mind as he starts to put the groceries in their designated places.
I can't imagine anyone actually cooking in here though. Despite the colorful paintings that hand on the tan walls it all seems...fake. Like no one from the family really spends any time in here. This is completely opposite from my home, or even Ellie's, where the kitchen is one of the social hubs of the household.
Once I've come to this conclusion I automatically start picking out all of the details that confirm it, from the sparkling new cast iron pots dangling from the pot rack above the island that look they've never been used to the perfectly decorated cupcakes sitting on the cake display on one of the counters that are untouched. It's only from my hyper-aware state that I am able to pick up the distinctive clicking of shoes coming toward the kitchen. I turn around just in time to see a finely dressed man drift into the room.
My already wide eyes scan his crisply pressed black trousers and the black swallow-tail coat that is buttoned perfectly. His shoe-shine black hair almost causes me to squint my eyes, the reflection from the fluorescent lighting bouncing off of it like mirror.
The man's eyes take me in with near disdain before he turns his attention to Charlie. "Sir, that is a job for the kitchen staff."
"It's really no problem, Maxwell. I was already here so I figured I might as well." Charlie barely looks over his shoulder as he keeps placing boxes into one of the black oak cabinets that float over the counter. "There are perishables; you know?"
"Sir, I will have to insist that you let the kitchen staff finish putting that away." Charlie doesn't halt his movements, automatically reaching for the next item as he ignores Maxwell.
The frown that takes over Maxwell's face is effortless, like that is the natural position his face rests in. "You know that your parents would not approve of this, especially your father."
Charlie freezes with a box in the air. I watch the tension strain his back as he slowly lowers the box to the counter and then leans on it, his face still turned away. Finally, he turns around with a smile on his face.
"Yeah, you're right, I should let you guys take care of this. That way I can show Kaiydeen around the house." He walks over to me with the smile still plastered on his face although it doesn't reach his eyes. "Let's start at the front of the house and work our way up."
Charlie grabs my hand and starts to lead me out of the kitchen; I don't protest, quietly trying to figure out what's going on. Once we're in the hallway Charlie drops my hand, his demeanor relaxing now that we are alone. I'm still not sure what to say, so I continue to walk in silence, following Charlie through the hallways. I see a bunch of natural light streaming at the end of the hallway and naturally pickup my pace to see what the cause of it is. But before I can walk into the room Charlie's hand is on mine again, tugging me to a stop.
"Trust me on this, you'll hate me if I don't show you it to you this way," Charlie smiles as he moves behind me.
The question is clear on my face but he just shakes his head as he moves behind me, both of his hands moving to cover my eyes.
"What are you doing?" I force a laugh at the sudden touch, although I am slightly disturbed at my inability to see.
"Since we didn't come in through the front door I have to show it to you this way," Charlie explains as he guides us forward. "I didn't see any of the plans or pictures when they were designing the house, so this is the first view I got after it was built. Trust me, this'll be worth it."
I stick my arms out in front of me, hoping that will stop me from colliding into any major pieces of furniture.
"You don't trust me, Kaiy?" He laughs as he pulls me to the right.
"Not even if I could throw you." I roll my eyes as my leg bumps into something sturdy. "Example A."
He giggles out an apology as he turns me around so that I am facing back the way we came. I fan my arms in a circle, trying to steady myself before he finally drops his hands. I open my eyes as he sweeps his arms out in a grand gesture to the foyer laid out in front of us.
The immense size of the rounded foyer nearly causes my mouth to drop open by itself, but as my chin tilts up to allow my gaze to follow the curved marble staircase up to the second floor landing, and an immense tree that nearly reaches the ceiling, I can't stop my jaw from hitting the floor.
"So this is the foyer."
I don't know how to respond, so I don't. Instead I just allow my eyes to roam the space and take in all of the minute details. Like the slight gold accents sprinkled around the room that causes everything just out of sight to sparkle. Or the subtle grays in the marble underneath my feet that are tied together with the dark grey pots arranged on either side of the staircase. Pairing that with all the overwhelmingly obvious holiday decorations I find trouble on focusing on any one thing for too long.
"Normally the tree and all those decorations aren't there," Charlie explains unnecessarily, "but we had a Christmas party last night so we went a little overboard."
I walk forward hesitantly, stopping only when my hand is able to graze the cold marble of a column to the left of the stairs. From this position I turn around to look back at the door, but instead see Charlie's eyes focused intently on me.
He watches in silence, a look of mildly concealed chagrin on his face. "What do you think?"
As my eyes take in the look contorting his features, I'm suddenly unimpressed with the obvious displays of wealth surrounding me. "I think you look sad," I reply with a shrug, "and kind of out of place."
His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, since he clearly was not expecting that answer. Charlie clears his throat as he rubs his hand across the stubble obscuring his chin. I walk forward so that I am standing in the middle of the medallion cemented in the center of the foyer.
My feet slide across the concentric circles and overlapping lines as I look down to try and figure out what it means. It's only after staring at the shiny gold lines that dance between the black and white that I can see the word "Baines" scrawled in loopy letters across the middle. Once I recognize its importance I immediately step off of it, standing to its left. I look back up at Charlie and see a more melancholic look on his face.
"So what now?" I ask as I clasp my hands in front of me.
"Well, I can give you a tour if you want." Charlie takes his beanie off of his head to drag his hand through his hair.
"You don't have to do that. You seem kind of tired. We could just watch a movie and you can take a nap or something?"
A weak smile twists up the left corner of his lips as he pulls his beanie back on. "You wouldn't be putting me out at all. Besides, I haven't even explored the whole house yet. Think of it as an adventure."
I laugh lightly as I agree, forcing my mind not to reflect on the last adventure we took together as I ask where we should get started. Charlie recommends that we start in the basement and make our way up from there. I barely refrain from making a joke about him locking me in a dungeon under the house never to be seen again, instead agreeing to his plan with a teasing smile as I follow along behind him.
We wind down some hallways to find an enclosed staircase that leads to the completely finished basement. The basement seems like it could be its own house, all of the necessary amenities needed to survive already down here. There are two furnished bedrooms in the back, along with a living room and a mini kitchen. The designs down here match the rest of the house, although there are a lot more vibrant colors used as accent pieces. My eyes are drawn to the bright red pillows on the couches, and the vibrant green and gold paintings donning the walls.
Charlie tells me about the space around me, confiding that this is one of the few places in the house he feels comfortable enough to sit on the furniture. "So if you did want to watch a movie later, this would probably be the place to go. Well, either here, or my bedroom."
"Oh, I'm sure you'd just love to get me alone in your bedroom," I wink as I run my hand long the back of the leather couch.
"You have no idea," he murmurs before he turns to walk back up the stairs. I follow him with a laugh, trailing a few feet behind him as we meander back up to the first floor.
This is where the fun really starts, because Charlie hasn't gone into most of the rooms here. I can't stop laughing as he tries, and fails, to explain what the functions of each room are. We get to the point where he is just saying any make-believe fact he can think of to keep me laughing, and I welcome the distraction, willing to do anything to keep my mind from wandering back to what is likely waiting for me at home.
"And, true fact," Charlie holds up his finger with elegant poise, clearly trying to conceal the bullshit that is about to spew from his mouth, "this is the home where President John F. Kennedy had an affair with Marilyn Monroe."
"Wasn't this house just built a year ago? And didn't that happen in the 1960s?" I ask with a barely contained smile.
Charlie doesn't miss a beat, a similar smile donning his face. "Another true fact, this is the home where Albert Einstein invented the time machine."
I burst out laughing as I push him away from me, his hand catching my arm as he pulls me behind him to the next room. We finish exploring the first floor nearly an hour later, taking our time to see if there are any hidden gems or secret passageways that were built into the house. But after we find none and have exhausted our options down here we move up to the second floor. The decorating up here is slightly more refined, aiming for comfortability instead of extravagance. The Christmas decorations up here seem more genuine as well; what looks to be a homemade ornaments and art pieces sitting on mantels and tables around the space. But my eyes are still drawn to all of the gold accents around the room, as my shoes tiptoe across the hardwood floor that looks identical to the kitchen cabinets downstairs.
In the middle of the second floor landing that is bigger than Ellie's bedroom there is a large, white shag carpet resting in the middle of a few chaise accent chairs. Three hallways branch off from the landing, and each has smaller rectangles of the same carpet dancing down the middle of the floor.
"Should I take off my shoes?" I ask as I eye the carpet.
Charlie hesitates before he nods, taking off his own sneakers as well. I loop my fingers through the still-tied laces of my Converse as I now switch from walking on the black oak wood to the soft white carpet. I allow Charlie to lead me around the second floor, neither of us laughing nearly as loud in this more confined space. I keep feeling the need to look over my shoulder, the sense of watching eyes causing my skin to crawl. Just as I am about to turn around and see if anyone is there a ball of brown hair and pent up energy comes running down the hallway.
"Charlie, you're back!" The ball launches itself at Charlie's legs nearly knocking him over. He scoops the girl into his arms and tosses her into the air, the elevated ceilings allowing her to go much higher than normal. Her giggles bring smiles to both of our faces as he lowers her back to the ground.
"Where have you been hiding, Munchkin?" Charlie's hand ruffles her hair and she laughs as she ducks out of the way.
"Underneath my bed." The trickle of her laughter undermines the pout of her lip as she crosses her arms over her chest. "Mommy's trying to make me clean my room."
"Wouldn't it be easier if you cleaned up your toys instead of just playing with them?" Charlie laughs as he pokes her lip, trying to illicit another giggle. His tactic works, a smile breaking out across her face as her arms reach up to swat him away.
"It would be easier if you helped me." She bats her eyelashes innocently, the dimples in her rosy cheeks deepening with little effort.
I laugh at her obvious effort to play her older brother, unconsciously thinking about all of the times I've tried to do the same thing to Archer. My laugh distracts Addie for a moment, her steely blue eyes training themselves on me. Her smile takes on a curious quality, her eyes dancing as she tries to figure out how she knows me.
"You're Ellie's friend!" She finally smiles, her eyes leaving mine as she starts to look around. "Is she here, too?"
I smile sadly as I shake my head slightly. "Sorry, you're just stuck with me today."
"That's okay." She grabs my hand as she starts to drag me down the hallway. "You can help, too."
I laugh as I look back at Charlie with a question in my eyes, but the confident smile that always graces his face causes me to go along with the insistent little girl. Addie opens one of the doors at the end of the hall and escorts me into a white and pink wonderland.
A four-poster bed rests against the middle of the back wall; gauzy white and pink canopies hang from the tops of the frame, giving the illusion of clouds floating above the bed. The mattress itself sits about 4 feet off the ground, an intricately painted staircase rising from the floor to guide its way to the top. Slender white bookcases guard each side of the bed, the pristine spines of color coordinated hardcover books giving the impression that they have never even been opened. Two identical pearl pink dressers sit side by side on the left wall, opposite the doors to the closet and what must be the ensuite bathroom.
I work hard to force my mouth closed, clenching my fingers tighter around the laces of my shoes to make sure that my dirty sneakers don't touch the impeccably white carpet. Addie releases my hand and dances into the room, bounding up the stairs to her bed and plopping into the center of the quilted white and pink comforter resting under a mountain of pillows. My eyes travel the rest of the room, taking in the perfectly arranged dolls sitting on the bedroom bench at the foot of the bed to the evenly spaced pictures of ballerinas and flowers on the walls.
"And what exactly was it you needed help cleaning?" I ask as my eyes sweep the clear floors and neatly stacked toys.
"The play area, silly." A precious giggle escapes Addie's lips as she leans over and throws open a hidden door underneath her bed. I walk over and peer underneath, taking in the jumbled mess of naked dolls, hastily discarded books, and inside-out costumes. A smile returns to my face at the chaos.
"Now that's what a kid's bedroom should look like," I murmur as I reach down to grab a Bratz doll at my feet.
Charlie chuckles as he peeks under the bed as well. "Believe it or not, this is actually the cleanest this play area has been since I got back for winter break."
I laugh as Addie slides off of the bed and dives into the play area, swimming in the toys that nearly envelop her petite body. She digs into the mess underneath her and pulls out a random toy, brandishing it toward me like a weapon. I lean away, trying to let my eyes focus on what she is holding without getting hit.
My eyes finally focus on an American Girl Doll that looks nearly identical to Addie, from the flowing brown hair and blue eyes, to the long lashes and deep dimples in her rosy cheeks.
"Well, who is this?" I ask as I bend, trying to get a better look.
"This is Leah." A somewhat serious look takes over Addie's face, although the smile is still in her eyes. "She's my best friend."
"Well, hi Leah," I shake the dolls hand as I address her, eliciting a giggle from Addie. "My name is Kaiydeen, but you can call me KD."
"Kay Dee?" Addie's nose crinkles at the weird nickname. "That's a boy's name!"
Charlie's eyes widen in embarrassment, but I don't hesitate in laughing, the wide smile across my face nearly uncontrollable.
"Well, I'd like to think that anybody can use any name they like, whether they're a boy or a girl." My smile doesn't falter as I crouch down so I am a little below her eye level. "But what name would you rather call me instead?"
Addie's eyes grow wide with the option of choice, before her slender hand reaches up to tap her chin thoughtfully.
"Hmm..." She ponders, her head tilted to the side as she continues to think. "How about...Dee Dee!"
"Dee Dee?" I repeat, this time my head tilting to the side. She nods firmly, her eyes bright with pride, but a nervous smile on her lips.
"I think that's a great name," I smile as I scoop her into a hug. She giggles as I pull her out of the play area and try to toss her into the air, but she's heavier than I expected her to be so she only goes about a foot in the air.
"Dee Dee, do you wanna play dollies with me?" She asks as I place her back on the ground, all of the nervousness in her smile gone.
"I'd love to play dollies." I nod as I sink to the ground, my legs crossing under my body as I reach to grab the Bratz doll that was in my hand earlier.
Charlie moves to sit next to me, grabbing Leah that is laying on the ground between us. Addie jumps back into the playroom and returns with a handful of various toys, dumping them at our feet before diving in for a second armful. I can't help but smile as Addie launches immediately into the middle of her make-believe world, barely pausing to walk me through the specifics of this game. I go along with it blindly, adding in my own rules as we go along. Just when I am finally getting into the swing of things the front door to the room flies open.
"Adelaide, that play area better be spotless by now!" A woman stops in the doorway, her eyes narrowing as she takes in the scene in front of her. The dolls that were in my hand tumble to the ground as I freeze in my movements, my laughter long forgotten.
The woman has long dark brown hair, curled slightly to give the illusion that it is shorter than it actually is. She is wearing a well-fitting, most likely tailored, grey knee-length dress; varying sizes of blue and green circles placed randomly across the front of it. As she walks closer I notice that her dress really brings out the blue flecks in her green eyes.
She has green eyes.
I wasn't expecting that.
I'm so busy staring at her eyes I almost miss the frown on her face. Addie leaps to her feet, her hands clasped behind her back as her eyes grow wide.
"Mommy!" Addie tries to subtly slide the toys we were playing with out of sight as she takes a small step forward. "Charlie and Dee Dee were just helping me clean up."
A disbelieving grunt sounds from the back of Mrs. Baines throat as one of her hands comes to rest on her hip. "To me it looks like they were just distracting you."
Addie's already wide eyes grow even wider as she looks to Charlie for help. He slowly pushes himself to his feet and crosses over to his mother.
"We were helping her, mom. I promise." His voice is as sweet as sugar as he draws his mom into a hug, despite her rigid posture. After a few seconds her stance softens noticeably as she shakes her head with a slight smile.
"You spoil her, Charles." Charlie shrugs his shoulders with his arms still wrapped around her.
"I expect you to clean the rest of this room by yourself young lady," Mrs. Baines gives Addie a stern look before she unwraps Charlie's arms from around her shoulders, her gaze somehow making its way back to me.
"And it's nice to meet you...Dee Dee." The names rolls off of her tongue with an awkward grace, the question of the origin of my name undoubtedly running through her mind.
I immediately jump to my feet as well, reaching out a hand as I properly introduce myself. "It's actually Kaiydeen, ma'am. Addie just likes calling me Dee Dee."
She looks at my hand for a few moments before reluctantly accepting it, nodding along with my statements. Her penetrating gaze releases me as she drops my hand quickly, her eyes drifting back to Charlie.
"What ever happened to E—?" Mrs. Baines starts to ask but Charlie cuts her off with a piercing look.
She looks away with a smile, her eyes sweeping the room as she takes in the new mess. "Dinner will be served in an hour. This room needs to be clean by then."
Addie's head jiggles up and down as she fervently agrees. I watch them all with a polite smile on my face, the sudden reminder of how late it is getting making the phone in my pocket feel a little heavier.
Mrs. Baines looks once more at me before leaving the room without another word. Charlie and Addie both breathe sighs of obvious relief, but the sudden tension in my chest remains. Addie starts chattering away as soon as the clicking of her mom's heels is no longer audible, reaching for the toys that were previously in her hands. Charlie starts to bend down and reach for the dolls as well, but pauses when he sees the distressed look on my face.
He straightens up and moves to stand next to me, his voice nearly a whisper so he doesn't alert Addie. "What's wrong?"
"I should be heading home now," I whisper back.
He nods slowly, his eyes darting across my face as he tries to figure out what this look means. "You can always stay for dinner. It's no trouble setting an extra place."
I shake my head minutely, forcing a smile to light up my face when I see that Addie is watching us. "Sorry Addie, but I have to go home now."
The sad look that takes over her face almost makes me want to take back my declaration. "You can't stay a little longer?" She whines. "What about dinner? I'm not done cleaning yet!"
"Sorry Little Miss," I chirp, reaching out to poke her side. The laugh I expected doesn't come, her arms reaching up to fold themselves across her chest. I keep the smile plastered on my face as I gather my shoes and start to walk to the door. Charlie follows behind me silently.
"Will you come back tomorrow?" Addie asks before I can leave, the hope in her voice apparent.
I hesitate before I answer, unwilling to make a promise I can't keep. "I'll try," I respond.
Addie nods as she watches the both of us leave, the pout still strong on her face. I lead the way down the hallway, but allow Charlie to take it from there, unwilling to get lost at this point. He hesitates at the second floor landing so that we can both put on our shoes before we head downstairs. We retrace our steps back through the kitchen and down the hallway to the side door. As we're walking through the back yard I'm not focused on all of the details surrounding me like before, instead trying to prepare myself for what may happen when I get back home.
My mind is in the clouds the entire ride home, and Charlie doesn't do anything to try and anchor me back to Earth. Instead he allows me to float, my mind drifting through all of the possible scenarios that await me. I send prayers up to the heavens that no one will be there when I get back, and I can sneak up to my room with no one the wiser.
But as the truck comes to a stop and the engine cuts off my eyes focus on the jet black Chevy Impala parked in front of the house and my heart sinks. I don't make any move to get out, just focusing on my breathing as I try to calm down. The likelihood of a confrontation has gone up exponentially, and the only feasible options I have are to try and sneak into the house, or face my demons. I can feel Charlie's gaze trained on me, although I have not made any effort to meet his questioning eyes.
"You know, I haven't asked you all afternoon what is going on," Charlie mentions.
"And I appreciate that," I respond.
"Don't you think I deserve to know?" He asks. I scoff as I shake my head.
Charlie doesn't say anything, quietly evaluating his options. Before he can say anything else I place my hand on the door handle and pull at it, pushing the door open with major reluctance.
"Thanks for rescuing me today, Charlie." I smile politely at him as I turn to face the house, already mentally preparing myself for what's about to go down.
"Kaiydeen." I stop at the sound of my name, looking back over my shoulder to see what Charlie wants. "I can rescue you any time you need it. Just call me and I'll be here in a heartbeat."
I nod my thanks as I swing the door closed, practically tiptoeing up the path to the house so that no one will hear me. I open the door with little fanfare, praying that no one is waiting in the hallway for me. There isn't anyone standing in the front hall, although I can hear the sound of murmured conversations coming from the living room immediately to my left. I click the door closed behind me and try to speed walk as quietly as I can to the stairs.
"Kaiy baby? Is that you?" Mom calls from the kitchen.
A flash of anger courses through my body as I hear the TV click off and the sound of multiple feet walking across the living room. I try to take the stairs two at a time so that maybe I can be out of sight before they come into the hallway, but before I'm even half way up the stairs he calls my name.
"Kaiydeen?"
I freeze with my foot on the step, my hand gripping the solid oak handrail. I consider propelling myself up the last few stairs, but I know that won't do any good since they'll just follow me up to my room. Instead I slowly turn around to face the three people standing at the foot of the stairs. Jeremiah stands in front, his hand gripping the handrail as well with his foot on the first step, already preparing to follow me upstairs.
"What?" I ask plainly.
Jeremiah doesn't say anything for a moment, his eyes studying my face. "Were you not going to talk about this?"
"There's nothing to talk about." I sigh as I look at a spot over his head, unable to make eye contact. "I'm tired, and I just want to go to bed."
"Can you stop and just talk to me for a minute?" Jeremiah's raised voice causes my fist to clench as I refocus my glare on him. "You said we weren't going to run away from things anymore!"
"I honestly don't think you want to have this conversation right now," I hiss through my teeth. "Because I'm very emotional, and I'm not thinking rationally. So if you want any chance of this turning out in your favor you'll turn around and leave right now."
He doesn't move, staring up at me defiantly. Finally, Ellie moves forward and places one of her hands on his shoulder. She whispers something in his ear and his head drops, a defeated look crossing his features before it's turned from view. He spins around abruptly and plows down the hallway, throwing the front door open and slamming it behind him. At this point Mom comes out into the hall as well.
"What's all that noise?" She asks, a worried expression on her face.
I don't respond, turning to continue up the stairs and into my room. I firmly close the door behind me, contemplating throwing the lock but deciding against it when I realize that won't actually keep anyone out if they really want to get in. I immediately decide to take a shower, peeling my clothes off as I walk toward the bathroom and discarding them on the floor as I go. I don't even bother to set up my speaker system as I step into the cascading water at once, allowing the hot pulses to relax my muscles and put me into a somewhat better state of mind. But now that I don't have Charlie to distract me I can't focus on anything other than Jeremiah.
I clutch at my heart as I allow the water to pour over my head, my salty tears mixing with the scalding water. I struggle to stop the hiccupped gasps that escape my mouth, all of the emotions I've been suppressing throughout the day finally bubbling to the surface.
I can feel the person's presence after a few moments and turn to see a blurry figure through the frosted glass of the shower enclosure. I suck in the last few gasps and turn my face up to the showerhead so that the rest of my tears are washed from my face. I don't say anything as I quietly lather my body and wash off all of the soap, moving to repeat the motion three times so that I can bide my time here. After another ten minutes, and I've completely run out of body parts to wash, I turn off the shower. I stick my hand out of the partially open door, silently requesting a towel, and am grateful for the fluffy material pressed into my hand. I dry myself off as slowly as possible while still in the shower before I step out, virtually ignoring Ellie as I walk into my room and start to search for some clean pajamas.
Ellie moves to sit on my bed as I walk back into the bathroom with the shorts and tank top I chose. Neither of us say anything as I remain in the bathroom to brush my teeth and unnecessarily moisturize my hair before French braiding it; nor as I walk back into the room and flip off the lights, now ready for bed. As I move to climb under the covers Ellie finally interrupts me.
"It's not even 7 o'clock yet," she says plainly, her eyes following my every movement.
I don't respond, sliding under the covers and reaching for the TV remote that is sitting on my bedside table. Before I can grab it, Ellie lunges over my body and snatches it off of the table, a determined fury painting her face.
In a millisecond I run through all of my possible reactions to this situation, before finally settling on not reacting at all. Instead I just lay back and close my eyes, welcoming the darkness and hoping that unconsciousness will soon follow.
"So, are you really not going to talk about this at all?" She sounds pissed. "Not even to me?"
I don't respond, trying to slip into unconsciousness unnoticed.
"Kaiydeen, can you stop being immature for one fucking second and talk to me?" She hisses.
I launch up in bed to level a glare at her. "Ellie, I love you. So I'm going to give you some advice: Don't let a boy be the reason we get into a fight. Just walk away."
"This isn't just 'a boy'. I may love you like a sister, but he's actually my brother. Jer can be a womanizing manwhore, but he's still one of the sweetest guys I know and I love him with all my heart. I don't want to choose between you, but if I have to I'd like to know both sides of the story first." She pulls the blanket away from me as I make a move to drag it over my face to block out her words.
Since I'm unable to pull the blanket over my head I just turn away from her, facing the wall with the bathroom door on it. "If you have to make a choice, make it with what you have. I don't have anything else to say about that."
"That's exactly my point," Her hand grips my shoulder as she tries to turn me back to face her, but I fight it. "You don't say shit about anything. And I understand that you like to keep things to yourself, and you aren't always sharing everything with me. That's just how you are and I support that. Hell, I love you for it! But this is different."
She finally succeeds in pulling me around to face her. Reluctantly I open my eyes and look into the angry shivering of her pupils. "I've pretended I haven't seen what's going on since freshman year. Now I need you to tell me what's going on."
I can't stop the trembling of my chin as I try to choke down the sudden onset of tears. "I don't want to."
Her hand gently strokes my hair as her gaze softens. "I know you don't. But you need to."
My lips part slightly as I prepare to speak but suddenly all of the words are caught in my throat. Instead tears stream down my face and my shoulders shake. "I can't believe I was so stupid."
Ellie doesn't say anything as I start to cry, my tears running into the pillow as her hand does little to soothe me. I don't resist the urge to curl into myself once more, starting to share with Ellie everything that has been happening over the past—well since the beginning. And as I watch her facial expressions I realize how little I've told her.
I never told her about the day I started to fall in love with Jeremiah. Thinking back on it, when I finally found Ellie at breakfast the next day and she asked how my first day of school was I mumbled some noncommittals about getting lost around campus. I never told her about all of the midnight food runs, or the movie nights, or the late night talks. Ellie and I didn't start sharing a room until junior year, when Jeremiah had already been at Columbia for an entire year, so she never really saw all of the stolen touches, or the flirty looks, or the connection, well I don't think she did.
My words drift to silence as I finish spilling out everything. The look on her face causes the tears to keep flowing down mine, and as I go to voice my apology she just holds up the hand that was stroking my hair.
"Don't." A weak smile dons her face as she waves away my apology. "I wanted to know everything that was going. You don't need to apologize."
I try to force my chin to stop trembling as I make a futile effort to calm myself. Now that I've started talking about it I can't stop all of the memories from flowing. Every second, every touch, flashes before my eyes, regardless of how hard I clench them closed. Another sob builds in my chest, egged on by the fact that Ellie's hand has resumed its stroking. I push her hand off of me and roll back to face the bathroom.
Ellie doesn't let the silence last for even a minute before she plows forward. "So when are you going to talk to Jer?"
"I can't think about that right now."
She doesn't accept that answer, her hand pressing firmly into my side. "Can't or don't want to?"
"Either," I moan. "Both. Regardless you get the same result."
"Okay, I'll leave you alone for now. But before I go I want you to think about this..." Silence takes over the room for a moment before I feel the bed shift. "You haven't said a single bad thing about Jer the entire time you were talking, and there are a lot of bad things you could have said. I guess wasn't paying attention as much as I thought, so I guess I've been failing at my best friend duties."
Ellie laughs pitifully before continuing on. "I know I've been joking about you being in love with Charlie and everything, but it sounds like you really are in love with my brother. He told me the full story about what happened today. And to be quite honest, this isn't the first time that a scene has been caused between two girls Jer has been messing with. But it never even crossed my mind that you would be a part of it. I never wanted you to be a part of it."
The bed returns to normal as Ellie starts to pad across the carpet to the door. I hear her hesitate at the threshold, her final words hanging in the room long after she's closed the door behind her. "So, if he's done what you think he has; do you even want to forgive him?"