The letter I got in reply I planned to keep for the rest of my life, however-much to my disappointment- I've managed to let it out of my sights over the years. The letter I got in reply from this friend was the thing that gave me some happiness through the horrible darkness I'd experienced for so long. The letter said in its basic form that she didn't think I was gay but if I was then so be it, she would love me the same way she always had, nothing would change.
This reply gave me the courage I needed to take the next step, the next step which filled me with so much fear that I was almost I'll over it.
I wrote my mum a letter, the letter explained a lot of how anxious I was and that is never been attracted to a boy before, what I didn't realise at the time was that I had been attracted to girls- on a lesser scale and never really anyone I knew.
Before my mum received this letter I'd began reading fan fiction online, as a way to escape from the world around me. I came across adult rated fics and read them also, quickly realising I preferred the stories which had two girls over those which had a boy and girl. At the time I took my interest in these stories as curiousity, before reading them I had no idea how two girls could sleep together, let alone that they did in a very beautiful way.
I didn't mention in my letters the effect these stories had on me, nor that I'd read them at all. I was scared reading these stories might be dodgy, like I was reading the equivalent of an illegally downloaded film. At the time I had no idea of the impact these stories showed. I didn't see what they were trying to teach me at a basic level. I preferred girls.
Eventually the letter I wrote my mum found its way into her hands. She always took a small bag with her to her work, a bag for her lunch and anything else she needed to take with her. I slipped the letter into this bag one morning, knowing it would be best for us all if she read it when she was alone. I didn't want anyone knowing my shame.
I worried throughout the whole of the day, thinking of what my mum would say once she'd came across the letter. Eventually, however, the day ended and I was met by that conversation on the way home from school. My mum also told me she didn't think I was gay and explained that she hadn't been interested in boys until she was around eighteen, she thought I was far too young to make that decision. Of course my Mum knew nothing about the stories I had read and even less about their content. She didn't know where my evidence was coming from but she said we would take the letter to my psychologist.
I had been seeing the same psychologist since I was around ten and all my problems with my mental health had began. The psychologist revealed to me that she had met many, many young people who were in my situation, not all had turned out to be gay but some had. And that it was ok. She told me it didn't matter who I was, I just needed to be relaxed about the situation. I cried silently through the whole appointment, feeling more relief than I had felt in months.
It was the best idea my mum had, although after the revelation she never spoke about the chance of me being gay again, she never brought it up again for two years- until I brought it to light once more. But it didn't matter that my mum wasn't talking about it because it was ok, my closest friend accepted me, my mum had said ok and my psychologist had said I wasn't going mad. All the worries began to fade and finally I began to feel normal again. And happiness was on the distant horizon once more.