Caspar had been released from the hospital yesterday. He has a alcohol restriction but, I won't be surprised if he goes out. It is drinking day after all. I sat at the edge of my bed. I forgot about Caspar's hospital video. Might as well check it out. I opened up Google Chrome and typed in the web address to YouTube. I picked my phone up of the bedside table and turned it on. My phone just kept vibrating because I was getting a new notification every second. I went to twitter to see what the news was and everyone was just tweeting me stupid things.
Hi dad. How r u after Caspars accident???
Did you really kiss Casp OMG FANGURLLL
#jasparsreal #iwontbelieveotherwise #jaspar #casparandjoe #leeandsugg
Did Caspar tell them about my kiss? I don't know why I kissed him. I've started this all. It's my fault. I should've known better. I'm 24 years old, I really should've known better. I looked back at my laptop to see it automatically pop up in recommended. My hand shook as I clicked onto the video. I don't know what I expected Caspar to look like. When I walked into the hospital he looked different. He wasn't this guy on the screen. He looked dead and he was pale as a ghost.
"Hi guys, my name is Caspar Lee. Today I'm in a area I don't think I've ever filmed in before. A hospital. Sorry for my appearance you're probably all thinking I'm not Caspar and this is a prank. Well, it's not a prank. I just want to say one thing to someone special." Caspar stopped for a second and closed his eyes tight. The stress was building up inside of me.
"I'd like to say thank you to my roommate Joe. I think you should send the Love his way most. Not towards me with all the get betters and bullshit. He's probably in more pain than me. Now you're probably thinking I'm going to say thank you to him for letting me stay with him. That's not the case one little bit." He stopped again and I could feel my heart in my chest. I gulped as Caspar opened his mouth than closed it. It had to be slow paced. I don't think you can edit in a hospital room.
I was snapped back to reality by Caspar explaining, "I've lied to Joesph a lot lately. I feel really bad about it. I've gone out each Wednesday to numb the pain inside me. Once it's worn off I'm miserable again. I'd like to thank Joe for making me happy for at least 2 seconds while I was sober. I'd like to thank you Mr. Sugg for kissing me outside the house door before I went to a bar. I really appreciate it Joe."
I closed my laptop and felt myself go pale. I'm going to have to explain my half of this and I really don't want to. I'd rather get hit by a car then tell all my fangirls I'm gay. I don't know why but I feel like my sexuality is dragged me down. Like it's a burden to me and to shrug it off. I don't want to let all those girls out there down. I'm scared of losing all of my subscribers. It's just hard on me. I'm far from ready. I heard footsteps coming from my room and I knew I didn't want to be bothered.
I heard the door open as I laid down and pressed my eyes tightly closed.
"Joe? Are you okay mate? Joe?" I heard Caspar ask. I just laid there and sighed. "Talk to me Suggy."
"Caspar why? Why did you tell the world I kissed you? Why didn't you tell me you weren't happy? Caspar why the hell did you lie to me?" My heart shattered as the words came out of my mouth. I opened my eyes as Caspar sat down on the bed. I sat up beside him and took a deep breath.
"Joe it's not only hard for you to face these problems but it's hard for me too. Stop considering yourself and think about how the pain makes me feel. Joe I love you, I really do but, I think you make most things about you. When it's my problem you think about your problems." Caspar's words stung me just like a bee. I felt the tears in my eyes and I knew there was one thing left to do. Put a end to this.
"Caspar I kissed you because I loved you. I don't think about my problems because of your pain. I care about you Caspar. If I didn't then I wouldn't have called the ambulance. I'm sorry Casp," I pressed my lips to his then pulled away quickly, "Get the fuck out of my room. Now."
Caspar jumped up and looked at me sadly. I looked down at my hands and watched the tears fall onto them. I didn't hear Caspar's footsteps or hear the door close. I looked up and he was still there. He looked like he was debating something. He stared into my eyes and I sat there staring back. Caspar walked towards me slowly and pulled me into a kiss. I was mad at this boy but it was the first time he kissed me sober. That's all I wanted.
"I'm going to get a drink. Stay here." Caspar ordered and I watched him leave the room. Every bone in my body wanted to follow after him. I didn't know why I didn't. He wasn't supposed to be drinking and I was the one in charge of that. I just took a deep breath and wiped my tears. I just need to sit here and get myself together. That might take a while...
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I was lying down in my bed, trying to get to sleep and forget it all. I heard the house door open and slam and I winced at the noise. I knew Caspar was going to come looking for me. I want nothing more than to be alone. I sat up and got up. I opened my closet and pulled out a shirt as I heard the door open.
"Stop by the name of the law!" Caspar slurred making finger guns. As I pulled my arm through the sleeve I heard Caspar make gun shot noises. I ignored the drunk boy and slid my shirt on all the way. Caspar pouted at me as I laughed.
"Finger guns don't stop a 24 year old from putting on a shirt." I teased, sitting on the end of my bed. Caspar seemed disappointed and sat beside me. I stood up and he copied me. I hated this game and Caspar knew it.
"Copy cat!" Casp laughed, pointing at himself. I rolled my eyes and walked out of my room hearing his footsteps right behind me. I went into his bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. He looked at me and I just stared back. Then without any reason he pushed his lips to mine. I opened my eyes wide and forced myself not to kiss back. I felt bad about disappointing Caspar but, I tried to ignore my feelings. I lied down against the wall. He laid beside me and looked me in the eyes again. I closed my eyes and he let me know he'd copied me.
"I can do that Joe! See, see? Oh wait, your eyes are closed to. Sorry Joe." I flipped over and felt the bed move as he did the same. Soon i heard his snores and I felt comforted. In a few hours the Caspar I knew and loved would be back. I yawned as my smile faded off my face. I really hope Caspar doesn't use me as his puke bin. That would really suck.