~There's nothing more than empty sheets between our love.~
I had a plan set in motion. For the first time in a while, I knew what I wanted. Who I wanted. I was determined to hop on a plan and go back to LA and tell the guy I loved that I wanted to be with him.
The plane ride was motionless and light like a weight had been lifted off my chest. But my stomach started lurching when we were almost there. I ran to the bathroom and found myself bent over the toilet.
A couple hours later, my brain whirred with the question once again. Who to choose. What to do. What path to take knowing this was for life. I couldn't just choose one person and go back to the next a day later. Life didn't work that way. Once you said no, you might not get a second chance.
I walked up the familiar steps, taking in a deep breath. This was it. This was the beginning of the rest of my life. This was where it all started and ended in the same instant. I had made my decision. Now I was going to have to live with it. Happily, I hoped.
I rung the doorbell and waited with my arms crossed over my chest.
No answer of any kind came. The lights were off inside, but that didn’t mean anything. I remembered a few months back when I came over to drop off a script to a flu-ridden Branson and his lights were off but he was still inside watching TV in the dark.
I reached for where Branson kept the spare key. Then there was the sound of someone clearing his throat from behind me. I turned around expecting Branson to be standing there wondering why I was standing on his doorstep.
“Trevor?” I whispered.
He glanced down at my suitcase assuming the worst. I could only imagine the images going through his mind at the moment. I was a horrible person, according to him. I was horrible person, according to me.
“This isn’t what it looks like,” I told him.
“Why should I believe you?” he hissed through his teeth. “Why should I believe anything you tell me anymore? You’re here for him, aren’t you?”
I shook my head quickly. “It’s not like that, Trevor.”
“So, you didn’t go to that bar and kiss him?” he asked. “Yeah, that’s right. I heard the stories and saw the pictures. It’s hard not to when you have a little sister who goes through the gossip pages every day.”
I bit my lip. “Branson was just giving me a ride. Then Nijal called and said he was stuck at some club. When we got there, Nijal had left. So we decided to get a drink which led to nothing but dancing and stumbling into each other. It was a mistake to stay at that bar and get drunk and have our picture taken. A huge mistake.”
I felt guilty. Trevor knew nothing about our kiss. I made it seem like the most Branson and I ever did was throw our arms around each other drunkenly. And only a couple of weeks ago we were together sober.
He gazed over at me with intense hazel eyes. “Was that the only mistake you made with him while I was gone?”
I didn’t want to tell him the truth. I didn’t want him to hate me. Realization of what I was doing came fast like a monsoon hitting all at once. I couldn’t bear the thought of Trevor hating me.
“I made some mistakes. I have regrets," I said honestly. "The things that happened with Branson are nothing. I know that nothing can ever happen between the two of us. He has his girlfriend and I have you." I glanced up at him nervously, afraid of what he might think. "At least I hope I still have you?”
He was now staring down at the sidewalk and avoiding me the best he could. He hated me. I knew it. No matter how much I didn't want to believe it. After all the stuff we'd been through together in the past year and a half, part of me still loved him and cared. Part of me still wanted him.
I made my way back down the steps towards him.
“I just got back from visiting my sister in New York," I said in a small voice. "Just like you, I had to leave. I had to think about us. If we can work through this mess with both made. If we both wanted to."
He kept his eyes down. "And what did you decide?"
It was the question of the day. The question Lexi asked me before. The question I'd been asking myself. Having to choose between a movie or TV show. A fling or a long relationship. Something that determined safety in this life. Possibly a life outside of the paparazzi eyes if I chose that direction.
"I choose you, Trevor. I choose you."