I always get it. It's always waiting to attack me. I feel like I'm suffocating, as if a blanket was thrown over my head. I'm drowning in my own needs. The need to be with him. The need to be loved. You may think it crazy or you may think I'm not wrong, but when he leaves my side I internally cry. When we are together I don't want to leave. When I hear his voice my heart skips a beat. When I see him down the hall I instantly soar. I'm in the clouds around him, we fly side by side. When he smiles I have to kiss his nose. When he stares into my eyes I stare back. What I see is passion and an undescribable love. When he holds my hand I think, "Why ever let go?"
The problem is this...
When I need to go I feel all alone. I feel as though half of me has burned away into ash that was blown away into the wind. I feel like air is in my heart not warm blood for giving life. I am not alive without him. I am not happy without him. I am not shown love without him. When he gets sad I have to protect him. When he gets mad I have to relax him. When he does not speak I have to worry. I feel like he is an egg and I need to ensure it does not crack. When we fight I cry on his shoulder and think, "I love you. I'm sorry."
Today...
May 23rd, 2013... This was the day I felt broken. This was the day I was Jell-o. This was the day a fire burned so bright in my heart that no darkness could ever overcome it. This was the day I saw hope. This was the day I saw reality hit me like a dodgeball smacking my face and knovking my glasses clean off. This was the day he had to leave for a while and I had to stay. This was the day I fell apart while my friends tried to pick up my pieces, but I put myself together. That feeling that brought me to my knees is what will bring me back to the top. I will not lose. I will win for him. Today I do not smile, but I smile for something more. I frown upon the door being opened for him to walk out. I frown that the door has been slammed in my face by my own Giver. I cry that I might have to wait for a year to see those beautiful eyes that whisper, "You are beautiful," when ever I pass by. But... I will not frown upon the oppurtunity to have I life without regret. I will smile about the future that is in store. I will laugh that we are only getting closer to forever. I will run every mile, jump every fence, climb every mountain, and overpower every obstacle with the need to succeed, the need to progress, the need to follow my dreams, the need to do the right thing for me and not for someone else so that I can get to where I want to be. By his side. In his arms. Touching his lips. Seeing his eyes. He is mine. He will always be mine. Our time this year may be over, but I am glad I am closer to forever. I will not give up. I will not let hime burn. I will not allow such tyranny to destroy the one person I love, the one person I trust, the one person that cares... I will never let the bad overcome the good. Today, we are one day closer to forever. Today, we are one day closer to us.
I love him. He will not be ripped away by a raven that creeps in the dark. He will not be stolen from my grasp. He is my gem. He is mine... Forever.