We stood there looking into each other's eyes . My panic attack had stopped and I couldn't run anymore , I guess I had to face the music for once . "Why Ellie" I heard Josh say "why would you leave".
Should I tell him I ended up smashing a picture across a guy or should I avoid the real reason I left , no it's time to tell the truth for once .
I told him everything that happened and science broke out again. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asked " look josh I was scared out of my mind and the cops came to the door so I freaked out ok , wouldn't you have done the same". He looked down , "I'm sorry Ellie " Josh mumbled. " for what ?" I asked . "For dragging you into drugs and making everything so much harder for you" I looked down
"its not your fault , it was my choice to take it ... i was so stupid" there was a minuet of silence.
"so what now?" josh says in a sad tone.
Honestly i didn't even know the answer to that question , i was planning to kill myself today
"i don't know ... Im too scared and ashamed to see Matt again , he probity hates me right now"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME! WE SPENT EVERY SECOND OF THE WEEKS LOOKING FOR YOU, he will still love you no matter what ... just like i do" ... did i hear that right
"what"
"oh nothing ... uh its getting cold we should go get you some cloths before you see Matt"
so i guess i have to go back ... i have to keep on living .
We walked into wall mart and instantly got some dirty looks , I saw that coming .
"josh you don't have to do this "
"do what"
"Help me"
"No i want to, plus i caused this" if he knew about my depression and cutting then he wouldn't of felt the same . I looked to my feet because i couldn't bare to look at him .
"Hey Ellie ... your beautiful"
"no im not" i say while laughing
"yes you are ... i know you are"
I don't know what me and josh are ... i don't think were dating, I wish we where but its too risky because the second he see my cuts he'll leave... i just know it.
we get to the cloths isle and i take some skinny black jeans and a black hoodie with long sleeves to hide all my cuts.
"Ellie i can pay if you dont have any money"
"no its fine i saved up 3000$"
"WHAT?? how????" ... shit he had to ask ... i looked down in shame.
"look Josh ... i did some things im not proud of."
"oh.. its fine ... i don't blame you "
"although i i never sold myself for sex"
" ok good !"
i pay for the cloths and changed in the restroom while josh waited outside.
"well thank god you don't take forever like your brother"
"and that's so surprising?" i laugh
we get into his car and drive to what is now Matt's house,im starting to get nervous .
"Ellie ... we need to tell him everything"
"WHAT, no we cant ... he'll kill you"
"look we cant lie to him anymore ... Ellie ill take whatever punishment i get.
I loved that about josh , he is always so brave
"well ,were here ..."
AUTHORS NOTE:
well im back