Xander White? What do I think about Xander White?!
He is the reason why I hate school, the reason I don't feel safe. All he does is taunt and torment me, each day going deeper into my skin, clawing at me with every word, every touch. He loves to see me cry, to see me in pain, agony. It's his hobby. A dirty little secret. Wherever I turn, there he is, in front of me with that devilish grin or the smirk of pity he has only for me. Always telling me I'm pathetic and worthless, spitting out, "But remember, that is only an understatement."
He has made this world for me, the one I am forced to live in, and only he can visit it. Everything I am, I am to him. Everything I do, is a reaction of him. Everything I say- well I don't even speak, unless spoken to. Everything I fear, is him. He, the one who makes every second into a agonizing hour, or even a day.
He is the reason my life is so distorted from others. He jerks my heart around as if it's tied with chains; plays with it like a child's favorite toy, even if it is worn out to what always seems like the end. I am that toy- the toy you see and think to yourself 'Any second could be it's last'. I am a "it" I have nothing, I am nothing. I do not come with an identity or a mindset, unless it is given by him.
I am only his, but how dare he! How dare he control me against my fragile will! I loathe him. I-
"Kani?"
I gasped, "Oh, Uh... Sorry"
My mind came back into reality, feeling nothing but sick to my stomach just from the thoughts. Realizing I was in the counselor's office, again.
"You blanked out on me for a while, are you alright?" Mrs.Lovlock asked me with concern burning in her eyes, as always.
"I'm sorry, yes, I'm fine. Uh what were you asking me again? I'm sorry" I said nervously, anxiously waiting to get out of that 'cell' of a so-called "safe-zone"
"Xander White. What do you think about him?" She asked, then it hit me, the reason why I was in there in the first place. Called into the office because of her concern about me being possibly bullied, absurd right?
"I- He's nice" I put my head down, fiddling with my fingers like a child would when lying or in some kind of trouble, curse my fidgeting.
"Are you sure about that?" She asks me with a clear soothing voice, I nod again without any kind of hesitation. "What makes you say so, what does he do to be nice?" She questioned me, I gradually lifted my face to her with lost eyes and struggle,
"He helps me" I shrug lowly, avoiding eye contact, because I knew I couldn't take anymore of her you can tell me anything looks
"Is that right?"
"Yes he does, now can I go, I'm going to get in trouble!" I burst out slapping my hands against my thighs as I am now face to face with her..
"Miss Akina, calm yourself, I'm almost done"
"But I'm going to get in trouble, please miss, I reall-"
"In trouble? By whom?" She asks me curiously
"M-my parents, please, they don't like it when I'm late" I begged, my body shaking out of my control.
"Just one last question"
"Yes!?" I look to her as I get up from my seat, putting my binder close to my chest in protection
"If anyone hurts you, you'd tell me right?" She asked sweetly with care and such soft eyes, like a divine goddess sent from the heavens.
"Yes Mrs. Lovlock, I promise" I smile and she does the same but with a small hand gestured sign to excuse me from the room.
I immediately put my head down as I walked out the main office and to the front gate, walking as fast as I could to get home.
"Kani!" My body began to tremble, my hands began to shiver, I quickly took a glance up to see none other than Xander, leaning against a wall as he smirked with pity. I hurried to put my head down seeing him walk my way, I froze.
I was too in shock to speak, all that came out was small heavy pants, as he walked up to me closer and closer, my heart raced of fear. I gripped onto the sides of my binder and looked the other way from him. He became so close that I felt the fabric of his clothes touch my skin, somehow roughly, my knees became week, it was hard to stand up and control ground. I was terrified. He gradually lifted his hand to the bottom of my chin and slowly moved my face to his,
"Aren't you cute?" He smiled to me with lips almost touching mine, "I heard you got called up to the counselor's office?" I nodded slowly still looking up to him, making extra sure not to stray away from his glare, "What was it about?" He asked boring into my eyes with his cold ones
"Y-You" I stuttered feeling myself grow weak in his presence- I cant lie
"Really?... Hmh" He chuckled then to let go of my chin "Where you headed now?" He grinned taking my hand and walking towards the parking lot
"I-I have to go home, my parents wont like it if I'm late" I murmured in my shaky breath
"What!? Don't lie to me Kani, I know that's not true" He said, then stopping at his car and pushing me for my back to touch the car as he leaned softly against me "Why are you lying?" He raised his brow, How did he know that!?
"I-I'm sorry, I-I won't d-do it again, I-I promise, I'm sorry" I stammer shaking my head in fear and anxiety as he stared me down. He shook his head, smiling oddly.
"Come on, get in" He demanded, opening the passenger door to his car and directing me to go in with his eyes, without question I followed his orders. I took off my backpack and placed it at the bottom while I sat down in his car, waiting, just painfully waiting for him to enter the other side. What was only seconds felt like terrorizing years of agony, like I was waiting for my torture to come, but not knowing exactly when.
He finally opened up the driver's side and sat down to start up the engine and drive off, out of the parking lot. My heart began to race with terror and even more anxiety, I couldn't stop thinking about all the horrible things he could possibly want from me, or where he could be taking me, I was just shaking at the thought of he even taking me home.
"Are you okay?" *GASP* "Kani, are you alright?" He asked pulling me out of my continuous unpleasant thoughts
"Of-f c-course" I nod my head ferociously but briefly
"Good, you know, you've been acting a little strange lately, is there anything you want to tell me?" He placed his hand on my thigh then to lightly rub it with his thumb, "You know you can tell me anything"
"I- No, I'm fine" I assured him, "U-uh..."
"What?"
"Nothing, I'm sorry"
"No what is it? Tell me" He ordered
"Wh-where are you taking me?" I finally asked, but having to feel as if he was going to choke me because of it
"The house silly, where else?" He jerked his head a little, like how dare I ask, how dare I not know, how dare I.
"Oh" I whispered. Heating up, heart thumping, hands shaking, legs numbing; I don't feel good. My head is turning, spinning, throbbing, burning, and vision blurring; I don't feel g-
~Time Skip~
"Mm, wh-" *Gasp*
I open my eyes, finding myself in a locked bedroom, a dark setting. I look down upon my body, seeing black silk pajamas; a tank and short bottoms set. My hair feeling brushed back by hands, It's wet? Wet-like if I just took a shower, laying in a bed that is not mine. Gazing at the walls to see pictures of myself, him, and us together. I look so happy in them, but I'm not, how did he even get those? He must have forced me to take them with him.
I have to get out of here
Gradually I lifted myself out of the bed and didn't care whether or not I was descent, I just knew I needed to get out before it was too late.
Just as I was about to get to the door, it creaked open, then swung making me back up.
"Oh hey, you're up" He smiled with his eyes closed. His hair as damp as mine and he was only wearing pajama bottoms, no shirt.
"I'm sorry" I wince taking a step back every time he took a step forward
"It's all right Kani" My legs finally hit the end of the bed, giving him the chance to put his hands on the sides of my arms "Are you hungry yet? I made your favorite"
'How does he know what my favorite is!?'
"Uh sure" I feel my voice scratch the back of my throat, my body shivering again with his touch of his arm laying on my shoulders, bringing me closer to his bare torso.
"Good" He guided me to his kitchen "Sit down, I'll be right back" He ordered me, I did as he said and sat on the bar stool of the counter, him leaving into a small hallway with a room. I watched him, leaning down to a white container of some sort and pulling out a plain black shirt. "Don't want me to put it away?" He smirked my way, I put my head down, pretending like I never saw, then hearing him chuckle. "Are you really hungry or only a little?" He asked making his way back to the kitchen
"Only a little..." I trailed off, But what if this is my last meal? What if he starves me?, "Um actually I'm really hungry" I changed my mind, seeing him serve my absolutely favorite dish, Carne asada and little buttery potatoes on the side. It looked wonderful.
"I knew you would" He laughed adding more to another plate, "Do you want to sit here or the table?"
"Here, please"
"Whatever you say" He smiled placing the plate in front of me, then a beautiful glass filled with a pink liquid and lovely reddish chunks that sank to the bottom, I gazed at it- wondering if it could possibly be some kind of drug inside, "It's your favorite"
"Strawberry Lemonade?" I hesitated reaching for the cup
"That's right, I made it myself" He smiled with some kind of victory for himself, then walked towards the seat next to me, but before sitting down he took hold of my head, kissing the side of it, and sitting down.
I finally reached the cup and took a sip, my eyes shot open with the sweetness of it, my body filling happy and warm as I took a bit of a potato; melting just like the butter on top of it. Even the carne asada made me feel like I was somewhere safe and cozy
"You like it?" He nudged my elbow, I stopped, noticing I was stuffing myself and nodded "Cool" He nodded to himself with elation "I know you don't feel good, so I just wanted to do something special for you" He added
"Th-thank you" I whispered, being genuinely grateful
"Your welcome... besides I know you would do the same for me if I felt under the weather" He grinned taking a bit of his potato and sipping his homemade lemonade
"I-mm" I ended then just continued to eat my food slowly, until I finished.
"Do you want anymore?" He took my plate, and placed it on the kitchen counter, I shook my head, he then put them in the sink and started to clean up while I just watched him. He finished and looked at me "What do you want to do now?" He breathed out with his hand placed at his hips, Is he really asking me?
"I want to go home please"
"What? Kani, are you sure you're okay?" He questioned me, getting closer to me, then placing his hands at each of my cheeks and inspecting me, "You're freezing" He announced suspiciously "Maybe we should just go to bed, hm?" He stroked his hand at one side of my face, then to brush back my hair, "What do you say, you want to sleep now?" He asked again, I wasn't sure what to say "We could watch a movie or something in bed, I know you don't like the dark, hm?" He added taking my hand and walking back towards the bedroom I was last in.
"Mm" My legs finally hit its point and gave out
"Woah, Kani, are you okay?" He turned to me to see that I was crumbled to the ground
"I'm sorry, I can't get up" I struggled finding strength in myself to even move, but I just couldn't
"Don't worry, I'll help you" He offered, leaning down to me and picking me up from my back and legs into his arms "You're safe with me Kani, you're okay" He calmly spoke, laying me underneath his cover and walking to the other side to get in as well. "What do you want to watch?" He again, placed his hand on my thigh with his free hand holding the remote
"I don't want to watch anything"
"Uh okay, I'll just turn it off and we could go to bed" He said turning off the TV and putting the remote on the nightstand beside him.
'I don't want to be here, I want to go home, I want to be safe, I don't want to be hurt by him. I can't. I can't. I can't! I-'
His arms wrapped around me, bringing me closer to his body with a very warm and soothing embrace.
'Why is he doing this to me? Why is he torturing me? I didn't do anything to him! I don't deserve this, I d-don't!"
"NO!! NO!! LET GO OF ME YOU MONSTER!" I finally screamed pulling him off of me
"Ah! Kani! Calm down, what's the matter?" He rubbed his arms, the arms I had unknowingly punched
"LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!! YOU MONSTER!!" I screamed, he came closer to me, and I attacked him with nails and fists, making him bleed as I tore his skin "LET ME GO! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! LET ME GO!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH! HELP! SOMEONE, ANYONE! HELP ME PLEASE! HELP ME!" I cried out
"Shit" He muttered holding onto my waist as I banged against him "Kani calm down, you're okay, be quiet please"
"NOOOOOOOOOO! LET ME GO PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO DIE, I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!! NOOOOOO O O O O O O" I sobbed, he then pulled me to the kitchen with me still trying to fight him off and sobbing like a baby while screaming like a maniac
"Dammit Kani" He grunted, finally letting me go to go somewhere, I took the chance to run away from him as he went to do whatever. "No KANI! Don't" I heard his voice call for me, but it was too late, I reached the door knob and unlocked it. "Kani, stop" His arms holding me back from opening the door, I kicked and turned in place, and he fell down.
"I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!" I yelled out kicking his face or chest?
"Ow! Kani, no, stop, don't go!" He grabbed my leg and pulled me back into his hold, then cupping my face with one hand
"NO! NO! STOP!" I shook my head, trying to get away from his grasp, but he was to strong
"Shh, it's okay, it's okay" He said soothingly as he tried opening my mouth, I then realized him holding a big white pill in front of me, and he tried shoving it down my throat.
"NOOOOO! NOOO! NOOO!" I shouted with each jerk of my head, trying not be dosed by whatever drug he was trying to give me.
"Come on Kani" He struggled to say, getting the pill into my mouth, filling me up with water as he messaged my throat to make swallow it, and I did
"No o o o o o o, No" I cried
"Shh it's okay, it's okay. You're okay now Kani, you're okay" He said stroking my head and self as I calmed down in his hold "You're alright now..."
He pacified my aching body, What did he give me? ... What am I feeling?
"Let's go to bed, Kani, you need to rest" He nuzzled against my face ever so softly
"N-no please, don't hurt me" I panted, failing again to push him away from me
"Kani..."
"Don't hurt... me..."
~Hours Later~
My body- it's numb? Why?... Am I sleeping?
My eyes opened up to the embrace of Xander. My lips quivered feeling his body cuddle against me, so lovingly, so gently. It made me sick. I could feel his warmth, the passion of his arms softly tightening around me unconsciously; all the things a lover does. How cruel.
I am not yours'
I knew my soul mission to myself was to get away from him, but how?
I moved around a bit, tiredly, so if he woke up he would think I'm restless- he did.
"Kani? Are you okay?" He yawned, loosening his grip, then lowering his face to mine.
"Mm m" I shook my head as I placed my hands upon his chest, buttering him up for my escape
"What's wrong, nightmares?" He asked with such convincing care- What a sick bastard, how ill could he possibly be?
"I just'll be right back, I'm gonna get some water, my throat hurts a bit" I spoke softly
"I'll go with you"
"Hmh, always so thoughtful, no, I'll get it. You sleep" I said slowly getting up and away from him, "Thank you" I whispered leaning down to kiss his forehead, just to be safe.
"Okay, if you *yawn* need anything then... just..." Before he could even finish his offer, he drifted off, but only into a light sleep.
I smiled brushing back his hair with my fingers for a bit, committing to my role before completely and surely leaving him.
I got up slowly from the bed, then to clutch the carpet softly with each step, to diminish any anxiety.
As I got to the kitchen, I opened the cabinet, took out a glass, and poured with water. Gently I rested the glass upon the counter.
I walked out of there and to the front door, there, there was the door awaiting my freedom, back to the place I belonged.
I hastily yet quietly placed my hand onto the knob, unlocked it with my free one, and opened it. The cold wind hitting against my exposed skin and through the thin fabric of my pajamas. Making baby steps to leave the door, then closing it behind me without a sound.
I breathed in, and ran.
My mind was unaware as to where I was going, but my body knew exactly how to get home. I could feel the impatience of my legs as they carried me with ease- my feet, however, is a different story.
My feet bare, while the cement beneath them was frozen and rigid. Pain shot up from my heel and balls of my feet. My lungs ached from the cold wind being too much to take in while I was barely able to breathe correctly.
~3 Hours Later~
Finally I collapsed to a stop, scrapping my skin off from my knees as I hit the ground. I felt nothing, the cold had numbed my nerves.
My eyes unknowingly watered from my eye lids as I gazed onto the blood coating my knees and legs. I took a breath, getting up from the ground with my head lowered, being able to see my feet smeared in blood and bruises.
"I can't feel" I muttered, lifting my head up, to see my house- burned.
Everything was black, ashes masked the sky, and stained the earth. My eyes widen as I shook my head ferociously in disbelief, This isn't real!
"NO!" I yelled out, running into what was left of my home, and possibly parents. I ran through it, nothing- my mind was nothing. I fell blank, into emptiness. My knees, once again falling onto the ground, helplessly as I glared before me.
I remember.
I was there for what felt like an eternity, reminiscing in the memories so unreal they're nightmares. This house, this is where my parents had died trying to burn me in this fire.
What have I done...?
"Kani! Kani! What are you doing here!?"
"Xander..." I murmured to myself, hesitantly turning around to see him run towards me, "...Help me"
"Kani!*******"
I hear nothing, yet I see him so very clearly; the only person I have left.
Xander White.
-Everything is fuzzy-
-I can't hear-
-My mind is blank, except for the memories that haunt me-
I am ill and I remember it all.
"I'm so sorry..." I spoke softly to him, as he carried me up into his chest, walking me to his car.
"It's okay, I'm gonna get you some help" He said,
Everything was so blurry after he had put me into his car, I wasn't able to think straight with all that had happened with all that I had thought- and about him...
"Is she going to be okay?"
"Yes, she'll be fine. I've changed her medication, so it should be balancing out the chemicals in her brain to decrease the Schizophrenia she's been having. Just make sure she takes it everyday"
"Yes, thank you doctor"
"You're a good man Xander, she's lucky to have a guy like you"
"Thank you sir"
The black shadows from the window separated, one that looked familiar was walking into my room.
Xander. I couldn't look at him, after what I had did, but I couldn't look away either. Under his shirt I could see he had been bandaged up, from what I had inflicted on him.
"Xander, please!" I jumped out of bed and ran to him, clutching to the front of his shirt, "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to- I didn't know!" I cried out, trying to make excuses up for what I did, so he could forgive me, although I couldn't expect him to.
"Kani, it's okay, I know- that wasn't you." He smiled softly, taking my hands into his, Always so warm
I smiled to him gratefully, to my one and only- boyfriend.
"Now let's get you into bed, you need to rest" He said guiding me into the hospital bed.
"Would you lay with me?" I asked softly, "The bed is big enough" He smirked,
"Sure" He said chuckling softly as he got into the covers with me. He held me closely to him, giving me warmth and joy.
I looked up to him, with a sad expression, still uneasy about what I made him go through.
"Hey I don't want to hear anything about it, okay?... I love you" He smiled kissing my forehead gently
"You-you do?!" I asked shakily, that was the first time he had ever said that to me
"Of course I do, I'd be crazy not to" He chortled
"I-I love you too! I love you so very much..." I nuzzled against his chest, he wrapped his arms around my back,
"I know" He said softly kissing the top of my head, "I know..."
The End