Neil's POV
Eleven years.
Today marks the eleventh year since I've seen her. Since I've seen her smiling face, or felt the touch of her hand holding mine. Don't get me wrong, she didn't pass away. That's not the case at all. But the way that she left me and so coldly avoided saying goodbye still hurts.
Eleven years went by so quickly that I haven't even had the chance to stop and take a breath. Everything hit me so hard that I haven't considered truly moving on from her or maybe even moving to somewhere where I can start over. I feel that if I did, it would all be futile. I've tried to forget her, but her smiling face and warmth remains in my mind no matter how many times I beg it to go away and leave me alone.
I never wanted it to be this way. Ever since we started to see each other, I had high hopes that I would one day push myself far enough to ask her to marry me. I dreamt of starting a family with her and that I would grow old by her side. But I've never been one to express my feelings well, and she caught onto that quickly.
So after a while of being together, she broke it off.
I remember that moment vividly. I was having a pretty bad day and just wanted to get home and go to bed. She wasn't going to have that though. She asked me what was wrong, and I didn't tell her. I could tell that something had snapped within her. She glared at me with hard eyes and told me how it was, not holding anything back or making any effort to put it lightly.
She told me that I stuck to myself too much, and that I never opened up to her. She said that she couldn't be with someone like that.
I wanted to beg her to give me some more time, and to understand that it's not easy for me to let someone in. But my pride and the fact that I could tell that she had already decided on this decision a long time ago stopped me from saying anything.
Time passed, and I avoided her at any cost. I pretended to be sick on festival days, and I closed my shop early when I knew that she would be coming to buy something. Seeing her while she was running around town was one thing, talking to her when she came to my shop was another, but those unintentional moments of eye contact are what broke me apart inside.
I've never been able to understand why she broke it off with me so bluntly and coldly. Yes, I've always been known as someone for their sharp tongue and rude comments. When I first met her, I treated her as I did anyone else. But she was always someone who was known for her kindness and patience. No one was surprised when she made an honest effort to get to know me.
She did get very far in her efforts quite honestly. She got far enough to melt my cold exterior and start to break down the wall that I built up over the years. But she gave up right when she had almost completely broke through and left me alone, all of my hopes of our future destroyed.
Time went on, and nothing changed between us. I avoided her, and she avoided me. Every time I happened to see her I wanted to ask her to give me one more chance, but I never did. To this day, I regret it. I especially regretted it when something suddenly happened that completely changed my life around.
She disappeared.
It all happened in stages. First, she didn't show up at my shop around 11:00 AM on Monday when she normally came to buy chicken feed. The next day, I didn't see her running around town. I was starting to get a bit concerned, so I forced myself to stop by her farm to see if she was just hard at work. The sight before me, however, is one that I never expected to see.
Her crops had been untended to and were starting to wilt. Her animals, that were casually making their way in and out of the barn, were hungry and dirty due to the obvious lack of care. I would have been angry, but it made no sense to me. It was completely unlike her to ignore the needs of her farm. So I asked around, but everyone said that they hadn't seen her.
The entire village got together to search for her, but she was nowhere to be found. I had entered a complete panic mode by the fifth day of her being missing, so I did nothing but search for her. After all of my searches ended up with no results, I concluded that she must have been kidnapped. It seemed that everyone else in the village thought the same, until her close friend Iroha admitted to her having left a note.
In the note she apparently explained everything, but specifically told Iroha to keep it to herself. I remember having felt a wave of relief knowing that she wasn't kidnapped, but I wanted to see that note more than anything to discover the real reason why she left. She had put so much time and energy into her farm and revitalizing the village. So why would she so suddenly leave?
I eventually had no choice but to sell all of her animals. As for the rest of the farm, it's remained untouched to this day. After a while, people stopped talking about how she might come back one day. I could tell by Iroha's uncertain smile and swift nod that that wasn't the case. After the days, months, and years started to pass, I lost all hope. She was gone, and I regretted not asking for another chance while I could.
That brings me to today. Today marks the eleventh year since her disappearance. When this time rolls around each year, I always feel sullen and attempt to distract myself with work.
I'm currently standing at my animal shop, chin resting in the palm of my hand, waiting for a customer. She was always my most frequent customer, so business has been slow for a long time now. I look up at the cloudy sky. It's getting late in the day and it looks like it might rain soon. I feel my eyes getting tired, so I close them for a few seconds. They snap open when I hear someone rushing up to the stand. Tina is in front of me, wide eyed and panting.
"Neil," she starts, still trying to catch her breath, "you need to see this."
"What?" I ask her, not hiding my irritation. "I'm working."
"Just..." She says, struggling to find the right words. "Follow me." She turns around and starts to run in the other direction. I sigh but give in. Tina doesn't normally talk to me, but when she does it's to joke around. I can tell she's not joking this time, so it must be serious.
I follow her until we reach the river area. I lean against a tree to catch my breath.
"Please tell me," I say, gasping for breath, "why we had to run all the way here?" Tina doesn't respond. I only hear some leaves crunching. A bit curious, I look up and almost fall over backwards if it wasn't for the tree that I'm leaning against. In front of me stands the one person that left me years ago. The person that so easily cut off our relationship and left without a simple goodbye. She's standing right in front of me.
I don't, I can't, say anything. I stand there dumbly, unable to speak. She continues to stand there as well, lips pressed together into a hard line and stares at me with that same cold look that she gave me so long ago. I can see Tina slowly start to move away from the scene.
"I'll leave you two to talk."
I don't really want to talk, but at the same time I want to tell her so much. I just don't know where to start.
"Hi Neil." She says after what feels like forever of the both of us standing in silence. I straighten up and stop leaning against the tree.
"Why are you here?" I manage to ask her. She looks away.
"I felt it was time."
She felt it was time? I can feel myself getting angry, and I start to laugh for some reason.
"How kind of you. Only after eleven years."
She gazes down at the ground looking guilty, but I don't feel bad. I keep getting angrier and angrier, and the words keep spilling out of my mouth.
"Just because we broke up doesn't mean that my feelings shouldn't matter to you anymore."
I tell myself to stop letting out all of my frustration on her, but I can't. All of the pain and emotions from the past years start overflowing, and I can't stop them anymore.
"Where have you been? Do you realize what you've put me through?" I'm yelling now. "I looked everywhere for you! You're not leaving again until I get an explanation." She keeps her gaze to the ground, not daring to look me in the eyes. I wonder if she's going to cry, but I remind myself that that's not something she would do. I've always admired that about her.
She swallows and looks up at me.
"I needed to go." She says. "I needed a new start, but I didn't know how to leave. All of the pressure put on me to revitalize this village as well as renovate the farm was my limit, but my brother was pressuring me to leave and go live with him. I wasn't going to take him up on his offer, but the stress and frustration from my situation with you put me over the edge."
There she goes again, saying harsh things to me without holding back. I always appreciated that she was honest, but this especially hurt. I was the reason she left? Was I really that bad at being there for her?
She sighs and looks away again. I finally hear a small voice.
"I'm married, Neil."
Those words almost knock me off my feet. She's married? I see something shine on her ring finger and realize that I didn't even notice her wedding ring.
"You're married?" I speak softly. I feel my insides start to fall apart all over again. I want to cry, but I don't. What would be the point?
"Yes." She says, and looks up. Her eyes are much softer now. They look so different yet so similar from the last time that I saw them. They look more mature, and have lost their youthful glow. That upsets me, but I'm sure I don't look any better myself.
"I'm expecting my first child as well." I feel my legs get weak and I want to sink down to the ground. I don't even notice that that's exactly what I end up doing. I cover my hands over my face. She's expecting a child too? I fight to hold back tears that threaten to escape. What happened to my dreams of marrying her and starting a family? I wanted to grow old together. I wanted to always be by her side and support her through every obstacle that might come her way. All of those dreams seemed to eventually have faded, but I still held the hope that by some miracle she would come back and I could fix my mistakes. But now that she's back, a married woman and expecting her first child, I feel more broken than ever.
I hear her walk toward me and sit down by my side. I feel her hand on my shoulder.
"Don't do this Neil. This isn't like you." I shake my head.
"Do you think that I have no feelings?" I ask her. "You seem to think that you can tell me anything and that I won't ever break." I feel a hot tear roll down my face. "You meant the world to me, alright? I messed up, I know I did. You needed someone more supportive who would open up and let you into their life. I'm sorry that I couldn't give that to you right away, but I needed more time." I feel her arms wrap around me, and I tense up. She's making it very difficult for me to not completely break down.
"I'm sorry." She says quietly. "I'm sorry that I put you through this."
Neither of us speak for what seems like hours, but it's probably only a couple of minutes before she pulls away.
"I have to go." She says. I nod, accepting things the way that they are now. Of course she can't stay. She has a husband to get back to and a child to prepare for.
"Neil." I turn to look at her. "I can't leave without saying this...but I want you to have a wonderful life, okay?" She smiles faintly, and seems to be holding back tears herself. "Try to forget me, and move on. Find a girl you really like, get married, and be happy." She hesitates. "I came back because I still care about you, you know. I wanted you to know the real reason why I left. I knew that you wouldn't move on if I didn't." She starts to walk away, but pauses to say the last words from her that I will ever hear.
"Goodbye Neil. I wish you the best in life." And with those last words, she walks away, leaving me on the ground in the now drizzling rain.
----------------
Time passed by again, and I finally moved on. I met a girl that I liked, and I made sure to not make the same mistake again. I opened up, let her in, and eventually asked her to marry me. Now, sitting in a chair next to the crib of my newborn son, I smile. I've finally found happiness in my life, but I sometimes wonder what it would have been like with her in it. I always push those thoughts out of my head as soon as they arrive though. I've learned to never take for granted what I have. I do occasionally wonder how she's doing however. Maybe one day I'll cross paths with her again, and we'll meet on a much happier note. In the meantime I enjoy the life that I have, always keeping in mind the last words from the girl who completely shattered me.
"Goodbye Neil. I wish you the best in life."
I wish you the best as well.
A/N: *ducks from chairs and other objects thrown at me* Uh...too OOC? *nervous* But yeah, this was painful to write. I don't know what's wrong with me hahaha I mean Neil is my favorite character and I broke him.
.......
Yeah, you all have permission to punch me.
I actually considered writing a really sad Allen one-shot, but changed my mind because I knew that the end result would end up being more...beautiful if I wrote it about my favorite character. I feel like Neil is such a lonely person, and just wants someone to really care about him.
Ughhh, why did I write this ╥﹏╥
I hope you all forgive me and will read my Neil fanfic, Reason For Kindness. It's gonna end much more happily, I promise!
I hope that you all enjoyed this, painful as it is. Leave a comment letting me know what you thought of it! Bye!