We leave the ruins behind of us both literally and figuratively. Rush and I don’t speak a word of it while we walk even though I desperately want to. From the look on his face, he’s still shocked and horrified at what he’s seen. It has stunned him into an uncharacteristic silence. I don’t try to pull him out of this shock. I have a feeling that he wants to mull over this until he comes to terms with whatever he’s feeling about this.
One thousand and fifty-six seconds later, I sneak a quick look in Rush’s direction. He’s still staring straight ahead and still looks confused. It doesn’t take very much to feel sorry for him.
I find the courage to speak. “Are you all right?” I ask him. I’m surprised to hear the concern in my tone. I’m not used to showing these emotions. Heat rises in my cheeks, and I clear my throat like a cough has spontaneously invaded.
Rush doesn’t notice this or doesn’t care. He lets out a heavy sigh, staring up at the sky and running his hand through his fair hair. It looks darker for some reason, like the ash from that place has appeared in his hair. “Honestly, I’m never fine.” He pauses sharply and then lets out a bitter laugh. “Sorry,” he says not unkindly. “I’m not used to this kind of honesty.”
That makes the two of us, but I don’t tell him that. Somehow, it feels too intimate, like I’d be revealing a deep secret to him that would be best left unsaid.
Instead, I keep quiet and Rush does so too. We walk on in silence, following the silver tracks down to an unknown destination. Neither of us pauses for a break even though our legs are hurting.
Somehow, I feel more aware of Rush than ever before. When I think of him walking beside me, my heart begins to pick up pace, and I have the urge to look at him if even just for a second. Every time I sneak a glance, his gaze is straight ahead with a sort of confused determination. It’s a curious thing. Normally, I would stare at him, trying to dissect his emotions. Instead, heat flushes my cheeks again, and I look away, heart thumping. I don’t want to be caught staring by those green eyes of his. Normally, I wouldn’t care. What changed? I don’t know.
We’re walking in silence now with only the sound of footsteps between us. Something about that silence feels heavy: perhaps even too heavy to break without feeling odd and awkward.
We walk until the sun begins to make its slow descent down the sky towards the horizon. I don’t tell Rush that my feet are hurting. In fact, neither of us says anything.
The second patch of woodland is nearing by the second. I’m about to open my mouth and ask Rush when we should stop until he pauses suddenly. His steps stop, and he looks down at his wrist inquiringly. I stare, wondering what he’s doing. Then, he brings his wrist towards him, tapping once on the metallic band with his index finger.
“You’ve finally answered!” comes Tabitha’s voice so suddenly that I nearly leap back in surprise. I realize that she must have attempted to communicate to us, and Rush somehow got the message. Before any of us can speak there’s an odd, blaring noise in the background. I look around, confused. Then I realize it must be coming from Tabitha’s side.
“By Seraphin!” she exasperates. Then she fixes her mind on speaking to us again. “Look, I’m outside Vainglory right now. I’m in Sapodilla, you could say. It’s—it’s impossible to get in. There are guards and outposts stationed everywhere—it’s so different from what it used to be. I—” Tabitha takes a deep breath. “I can’t get through. I wasn’t prepared enough.” Her voice sounds on the verge of angry tears. I can’t help pitying her. She doesn’t know what to do now. Saving her friends was on the top of her list, but now that’s impossible. She doesn’t know what to do. An apology is at the tip of my tongue before she snaps back to her crazed self and starts barking orders again.
“Head to the nearest woodland space by the train tracks,” she says. “A train should come to a stop in a few hours. I want you to board a compartment. I’ll be in the same train, and I’ll come get you when we need to get off.”
I am the first to ask a question. “But I thought we were going to the third patch of woodlands. We’re just nearing the second.”
A sigh of exasperation comes from the other side. “Disregard that message. It’s obsolete,” Tabitha says. I can already imagine her rolling her eyes from here. “Just—listen to Rush!” There’s a beep that buzzes through the air, and she’s gone.
Feeling strangely embarrassed that Rush heard that, I spin on my heels, marching towards the woodland and trying to forget Tabitha’s harsh words. The fact that she said it in front of Rush makes me feel worse than usual. He must think me an idiot by now.
Rush catches up to me. I know that he senses that something is not quite right with my emotions and says, “She doesn’t mean it.” It’s barely audible, nearly swallowed up by a sudden gust of wind.
I don’t know how to respond to that. In the end, I say, “All right.” Then I feel embarrassed again. I feel like Rush thinks I’m inadequate and boring. It’s a bad feeling that makes me feel useless and dull. I don’t want to be useless and dull.
I think Rush senses my worsening mood, but he doesn’t say anything this time.
Darkness has settled by the time we’re in the woodlands. The train track is still in sight. We rest a couple of feet away from the tracks with our backs against the tree trunks. After sharing some dried, tasteless bread, I am lightly sated. I don’t ask for more. I’ve learned to never ask for more food from the hospital. We have to save our supplies.
Our silence stretches out. This time, instead of thinking about the heaviness between us, I listen to the music around us. There are rustles in the trees and bushes once in a while, a telltale sign of wildlife. It relieves me instead of scaring me. It reminds me that not all creatures are dead like the bird in the woods when Gordon, Kasie, and Mallory were still with us.
Rush can’t sit still the entire time while we wait for the majestic appearance of the train. While we eat, he paces around the tree. After we’re done, he decides to the scale the trees to keep a lookout for the train. I watch his smooth movements, wondering if I can ever manage that.
In the end, he leaves to use the natural lavatory and doesn’t come back until the hooting of the train is more than just a figment of our imaginations.
It slows into view, gleaming in the moonlight. Before the sleek silver train comes to a full stop, someone pokes their head out from one of the open air compartments. I’m startled until I realize it is Tabitha.
“Hurry, get in!” she hisses, pointing at the small compartment beside her. Rush is the first to take action, climbing into the compartment in front of her. I hesitate. The compartment is much smaller than the one Rush and I used before and even that one was small. “What are you waiting for?” Tabitha says. “Go!”
I don’t want to be alone so I climb into the compartment with Rush. He seems vaguely surprised at my choice but doesn’t say anything about it. He gives me a smile that looks more like a grimace. I look away from him.
There are more boxes in this compartment than the other. The boxes and crates form a barrier for a small portion of the compartment where a person can hide. It also blocks the outside from view. I immediately take that place. I don’t want to see Rush face to face just yet. I don’t want to explain why I didn’t take another compartment. I’m not even sure of the answer myself, just the pounding of my heart at his presence.
Silence has a way of making me fall asleep. With no talking between the two of us and no more orders from Tabitha, I fall asleep, letting the darkness from the night wraps its sleepy tendrils around me. It doesn’t take much. I’m already tired from today’s traipse.
It’s a dreamless and peaceful moment—until I’m awoken by Rush once again, just like the last time. I can’t see most of him in this darkness—only the outline of his silhouette. He could be anyone in this darkness. I can only recognize him because his voice is distinguishable.
“Harmony,” he says, whispering my full name urgently and harshly. “The train stopped, and I hear men outside talking about investigating the compartments to capture ‘strays’ like us—like Mallory, Gordon, and Kasie.” I can’t quite gauge it all, but I understand. “Only one person can hide in these boxes inconspicuously.” There is a pause, and I hear muttering outside. Rush pressed something cold into my hand—the prince’s ring. “If they catch me, I need to give this to someone else.” He takes a deep breath. “If they come here, let them find me. Don’t try to help me. Stay silent.” The muttering is louder now. My fingers clench tightly to the ring, letting it bite into my palm. Rush leans so close that I can feel his heartbeat. I’m holding my breath at his sudden closeness. I have a sudden desire to close those few inches between us, but I don’t move. “All right, Harm?” I give him a terse nod, trying to control my ragged breathing.
Then, he presses his lips tendering against my cheek. Fire heats up from where he has placed his lips, heat spreading across my face. When he pulls away, my hand leaps up to my cheek, touching the place where his lips touched my skin.
Rush has already turned away, but I still feel his presence near me. I can barely breathe properly. That is, until I hear voices that don’t belong to either of us.
“I see something in there,” says a gruff voice. Others grunt in reply, and my heart starts beating relentlessly against my chest. I fear that it will be so loud that they will hear it.
There are footsteps which are excruciatingly loud and slow. I have an impulse to run, but I stay put, closing my eyes and hoping that they’re talking about a different compartment. They don’t need to come into this one. There are plenty of other ones.
I hope they only check an empty one. In my selfish hope to survive this, I would rather them find Tabitha over me.
It doesn’t happen. The footsteps make the floor beneath me vibrate, and I know that they’re on my compartment. I wrap my arms tighter around myself, wishing I could shrink to nothing. They’re on my compartment. I squeeze my eyes shut. Perhaps if I pretend I’m a statue, they’ll believe it too.
“Well, look what we have here,” a different voice from the first sneers. My heart crawls up to my throat. There are chuckles, and I deduce that there must be three men here in total. There may also be a fourth man waiting outside. I slowly open my eyes—but no one stands in front of me. I’m confused, until I remember.
Rush. He’s the one the men are leering. I’m horrified at my own selfishness. I’ve forgotten him in favour of myself.
“What do you want?” Rush’s voice says. I can’t see him from here—there are no cracks between the crates, but Rush sounds awfully brave. I might have run off screaming.
There’s a click of a gun, but the men just laugh. “Put that toy gun away,” one of the men says. “We can have you dead before you even press the trigger. There’s only one of you.”
I hear Rush’s sharp intake of breath when there’s silence. He sounds like he’s trying to stay calm. I bite my lip, pushing down the urge to gasp for air. The men’s presence feels suffocating, and I am drowning in their presence.
“That’s right, gun away. I think we’ll find other uses for your hands; put them on your head.” There’s a brief moment of silence where I imagine Rush following their orders slowly, eyeing them with apprehension. “Good. You’ll suffer less this way. It makes the job easier.” There’s the sound of another click from a gun. It must be the men holding it this time.
“Aren’t you Rush Chaisty?” one of them asks. Rush doesn’t answer. “Yes, that’s right. The Chaisty boy! You’ve gotten a bounty on your head, boy. Stealing from the governor’s son? It serves you right for your comeuppance.” There’s barking laughter that chills me. “You’re going to suffer boy. You’re going to suffer until you just want to die, but they won’t let you. I hope you had fun out there, because your world will come crashing down around you.” There’s harsh laughter from all three men. I find myself bunching my hands into fists.
The men drag Rush out without much of a fight, leaving me alone with only my thoughts for company in this darkness. When I close my eyes, I can hear Rush telling me to not interfere if they come: to not protect him.
And I know that I’m much too selfish to have said anything for him whether he wanted me to or not.
Something has gotten into me.
When the day begins to break, I feel the stiffness of my position. I don’t remember falling asleep in the night, but I must have drifted off at one point. I move tenderly, wincing when my muscles stretch painfully.
The ring clenched in my palm is warm. I stare at it, thinking of Rush’s voice, his lips on my cheek, his breath in my ear, and his heart pounding against mine. My breath hitches when I realize that he is gone. He’s no longer here anymore.
I crawl from my spot in the corner, hoping that Rush is lying against the wall, having never been taken from the compartment last night. My legs bump into the food sac on the way out. I pause, staring at the sac. Rush wouldn’t leave it here out of his reach. My heart crawls up to my throat.
Shutting my eyes, I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. It shouldn’t matter if Rush isn’t there. We’ve lost people before and that hasn’t ever affected me much.
I open my eyes again and fling myself out, knocking over a few boxes in process.
A wall stares back at me, with nobody lying against it.
Rush is gone.
My chest constricts, and I stare at the space where Rush once occupied. My throat closes up. I can barely breathe. All I know is that this is wrong. He’s not supposed to be gone. It’s not supposed to happen like this. It’s not supposed to happen at all.
I need to find Rush. I need to help him. I need to stop the men who have taken him—
I stop. This is exactly what drove Tabitha insane. Back in the facility, all she would talk about is saving Gordon. If I let that consume me, I’ll be just like Tabitha. I’ll be insane. I won’t be myself anymore. I’ll just be a girl driven crazy by the antics of the cruel governor.
Pushing my thoughts of saving Rush away, I take a few breaths to steady myself. I must not let my emotions get the better of me. I need to be rational.
If Rush is in Vainglory by now, there’s nothing I can do. If the crazed Tabitha thinks it is impossible to get in, she’s right.
After a while, all that remains is a dull ache in my chest and something pressing against my eyes. I blink the tears away. I will not let my emotions get the better of me.
The reason why I’m like this is because it is my fault. I should have stopped them. Even if Rush hadn’t told me to stay back, I would have done nothing.
Am I really such a worthless coward?
I’m afraid that the answer is yes.
At the next stop, Tabitha ushers me out. I slide the ring onto my finger, feeling the metal band against my skin. Picking up the food sac, I step out of the compartment and onto the yellow ground.
Tabitha frowns at me. “Where’s Rush?”
“Gone,” I say, trying to keep my tone smooth.
Her frown deepens at my word. “What do you mean by ‘gone’? I’m not playing games with you.” She gives me a dark look, making sure that I know she’s not jesting.
“He was taken by the officials at night. I hid.” Somehow, I got away. It seems they were content by just one runaway that they didn’t brother for more. A thought reaches me: maybe Rush sacrificed himself for us. That noble act brings a lump to my throat.
Like I expected, Tabitha starts yelling at me, calling me an idiot for not striking out at the men from the shadows. Her insults don’t hurt because I’m ashamed I haven’t done what she says I could have done. In fact, I would have never thought of it at all. I would have sat back and done nothing.
When she’s finally done yelling at me she spins on her heels, heading away from the train. I follow after her footsteps, feeling more out of place in this world than I have ever been.
Soon, we arrive at a small square building hidden in the trees. I know it’s a safe-house. Nostalgia hits me the moment I lay eyes on it. That time, Kasie was here. I hadn’t met Rush yet, and I was still unsure of my life outside the hospital.
That time, Tabitha wasn’t half out of her mind.
She stares at the safe-house like it’s a mirage that can fade away at any second. “We’re here,” she says, her voice quiet for once since Gordon’s capture.
I clench my hands into fists, letting the metal of the ring bite into my palm.
That time, I didn’t know of the prince of Seraphin either.
I take a deep breath and exhale.
Things have changed. So many things have changed.
I don’t know if I even want the change.